You have two cows/4

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This article is part of the You have two cows series.

So oi went round moi friend Denzel's, and 'e 'as two cows, and 'e was standin' beoind one of 'em with 'is caaaaahck oout!
Catherine Tate
You have two ginger cows. What a fackin' liberty! But they ain't bovvered! Face? Bovvered?
Peter Kay
Cows. They're the future, i've tasted them.
Peter Kay 2
I know a pissed cow when i see one!
Peter Kay 3
Remember those two cows that were in the 80s? What was all that about?
Def Jam Comedy
Anyway, I saw two cows walking down the street, and THEY WAS WHITE!!! I mean, what's with that?! Don't you ever see a brother cow?!(Hysterical laughter issues from audience)
Wil Anderson
So I was in North Sydney today, and I saw Shannon Noll's dead father, and he was struttin' round town with these two cows!
Mike Birbiglia
You know what would go great with those two cows? Crack.
Lee Evans
Fuckin' 'ell, I've shit my pants! Fuck! Hehehehehehehehehehe! So, you have two cows, and they're like *untelligible high-pitched squealing* and they run around like *runs around frantically waving arms*
Lewis Black
When I was a kid, there were two kinds of milk. Two-cows-fuck-milk, and maybe chocolate two-cows-fuck-milk.
Lewis Black 2
You have two cows. And, oddly enough, they're in Houston, Texas...I know, I was shocked too... I left the comedy club there and walked down the street. On one corner, there was a cow. And across the street from that cow, in the exact same building as that cow, was a cow. At first I thought the sun was playing tricks on my eyes. But, no. There was a cow across from a cow. And that, my friends, is the end of the universe. People have said to me, 'how do you know?' And I say, 'go there. Stand between those two cows and look at your watch. Time stands still.' And if you turn this way, and look at just this cow, immediately you think, 'You know, There cannot possibly be a cow behind me. Nobody would have been that stupid, to have built a cow across from a cow. And if there was a just and loving God, he wouldn't allow that kind of shit to go down.' So you turn slowly, thinking, 'well, I'll see a horse, or a sheep, maybe even a pig... BUT THERE'S A COW!
Lewis Black 3
It really is nice that people are coming out to see me. I think it's terrific. But you bring your two cows... and I don't really need them. You and I have developed a relationship, I don't need these fuckin' cows.
Lewis Black 4
What I felt they should have done for our first public works project is build a giant wall across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the two cows come from!
Lewis Black 5
If it weren't for my two cows... I wouldn't have made it to college.
Bill Bailey
You have two cows. The circumstances under which you have them are a little surreal and comical, so the whole routine unfolds with a tedious inevitability.... and a song!
Bill Bailey 2
Two cows walk into bar. One of them is a little bit stupid. The whole scene unravels with a tedious inevitability! *sighs*
Dylan Moran
You have piles, your skin is peeling off in huge lumps, and your incredible collection of bonsai trees was wiped out this morning. You live with two cows that you don't really know, underground, and you suck stones for money.
Carnac the Magnificent
Two Cows, a bed, and a tub of jello....Things you have! Yessir! Hi-yoooh!
Drew Carrey
Welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter! That's right, the points are like the second cow you have!
Dave Chappelle
You have two cows, bitch!
Dave Chappelle 2
Fuck yo cows, nigga! Buy another two ya rich mothafucka!
Dave Chappelle 3
I'm Rick James COW!!!
John Cleese
Sorry... Cow's off!
Dane Cook
Wanna know what would be awesome? If you had two cows! (Goes into stage theatrics)
Dane Cook 2
Ok, you have two cows, right? "I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!" Ok, back to the story..
Dane Cook 3
Someone shit on the coats! And that's where you come out and go "TWO COWS?!" and then disappear into the audience. The Aud-ay-ence. The Aud-ay-ence-ay. (Screams and laughs)
Dane Cook 4
Here's the best part of the story. You have two cows (Screams and laughs)
Dane Cook 5
You know that kid, in school, you know, he's had TWO COWS. And you're like, "why do you have two cows, dude? You don't-why do you need two cows". BULLSHIT!
Bill Cosby
You have two cows?!? With the you and the cows and the thing where the guy comes out of the thing and he makes it (bizarre laughing)!
Rodney Dangerfield
I don't get no respect. I bought two cows from the hamburger factory. They ran back!
Derek and Clive
This bloke came up to me the other day and said "My name's John Stitch and I've got two cows". Fucking cunt...
Bill Engvall
I was milking two cows when this guy comes up and asks me, "So, you have two cows?" I reply, "Nope, I have three cows. The third one has a dentist's appointment." Heeeeere's your sign. *hysterical laughter.....i don't know why either....*
Bill Hicks
You have two cows, people! The government and media are trying to tell you that you don't but you do! Take mushrooms and you'll realise that there's a universal truth that the powers-that-be don't want you to know about!
Dave Hughes
There are two cows in the field.........No joke there........ probably should have written one
Dave Hughes 2
I'm angry this week guys... my two cows have left me... better have a twenty minute rant about my girlfriend.
Morecambe and Wise

You have "Two cows eating grass on a warm, sunny hillock, I'd of thought by tomorrow that grass will be millock!"

Jimmy Fallon
You (hee hee) have (Looks directly at camera) two (hahaha) COWS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Jeff Foxworthy
If you milk a cow without a shirt on and so does your husband, you might have two cows. *Crowd laughs and laughs because of an oversaid catchphrase Jeff probably didn't even invent*
Jim Gaffigan
Oh, great, two cows. I like two cows. This guy's a jerk! He's definitely getting paler.
Jim Gaffigan 2
Vegetarians always seem so proud when they see me staring at two cows because I look so introspective, but what I'm really thinkin' is, "I wonder how many hot dogs are in there?" Oh, the cows are gonna die in that joke. I don't like it when they die in the jokes... What if a cow was in the audience? That would be awkward for all of us! The cow would laugh, but on the inside he'd be crying. Hooooooot Pocket!
Mitch Hedberg
In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have two cows.
Bob Hope
But I wanna tell ya, you have two cows, which is two more than I've got Oscars.
DL Hughley
You have two cows, but they white, so they can't dance.
Eddie Izzard
Er... yeah... so... COWS!
Eddie Izzard 2
"Two cows or death?" "Cows please!" "Very well! Give him two cows. You, two cows or death?" "Um, cows for me too please." "Well, we're OUTTA cows! We only had two and we didn't expect such a rush. Pick something else." "So my choice is 'or death?' I'll have...the chicken."
Eddie Izzard 3
So Hitler had two cows, which is funny, because he was a mass murdering fuck head.
Eddie Izzard 4
So the great escape, one cow steve, the american cow is on a motor bike, over the first fence, crash into the second live to tell the tale, cool. While the british cow is lined up and shot.
Eddie Izzard 5
We'll load the two cows into the back of the Minis...
Eddie Izzard 6
Ahhhh! Covered in cows!
Ashton Kutcher
Dude, where's my two cows?
Larry the Cable Guy
So dem two cows went up 'ere and dey went right up to da casheer man and dey just stared at 'em. Dey just stared. Stared at 'em like a pair of boobies! HA-HA! GIT-R-DUN!!! *crowd goes fucking apeshit*
Jay Leno
(90's) Bill Clinton was caught having two cows today. Then O.J. Simpson said "You can do that?"
(2000's) Michael Jackson was found with two COWS today. Oh, I'm sorry, that's CWOS. Do you know what C.W.O.S. stands for, Kev? Children With-Out Supervision. *house band guitarist has a stroke laughing*
David Letterman
And the number one thing you have two of is... COWS! Coming up.. Stupid cow tricks!
Groucho Marx
I could dance with you until your two cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with your two cows until you come home.
Groucho Marx 2
One morning I shot two cows in my pajamas. How they got in my pajamas, I don't know.
Groucho Marx 3
Outside of a book a cow is a man's best friend. Inside of a cow it's too dark to read.
Demetri Martin
Dude, you have two cows.
Demetri Martin 2
My name is Demetri, and these are my cows...
Steve Martin (1978)
So anyway, I saw these two cows and UH-OH! I'M GETTING... HAPPY FEET!!!! WHOAAA!!!!
Carlos Mencia
So the beaner's like '¿¡TIENES DOS VACAS?! AND JOU HHAVEN'T MAKE DE BISTEC JET?! AY, ¡¡NO!!' Like, that's DEE DEE DEE!!
Carlos Mencia
Black cows can't swim as well as Mexicans! DEE DEE DEE!
Dennis Miller
I don't want to go on a RANT here, but I haven't seen two cows like that since Machiavelli and Voltaire decided to go to a dairy farm while reciting the Monroe Doctrine in Armenian. *Crowd wonders what the fuck he just said*
Conan O'Brien
Two cows are in the news, lately. Yeah. When reached for comment, the two cows could only say "Sorry, we can't comment, we're being eaten by Ruben Studdard." *joke bombs* Wow, looks like we've got some major Ruben Studdard fans in the audience! *mocks audience* "NOO!! I like him he's a very good singer!" *pity laughter* Anyway, ummm... oh yeah! *does crazy dance thing* *house band guitarist has a stroke laughing*
Richard Pryor
Don't'cha hate it, right, when you got two motherfuckin' cows, and a motherfucka come up, and he take one of them cows away from yo' ass? What the hell do he want with the goddamm motherfucka?
Chris Rock
You fuckin' have two fuckin' cows, muther fucker!
Jerry Seinfeld
And what's the deal with people having two cows? It's not like you have any use for them.
Jon Stewart
*clip of Sen. Rick Santorum plays "I mean we're not talking cow-on-cow, here" Jon: "Whaaaaaa?" *loosens tie and does Prof. Frink voice*
Bruce Villanch
I had a rough encounter with two cows once. Let's just say something MOO-ved!!
Robin Williams
So you have two cows. Or maybe you have two plows. No, you have two cows. Hey, that reminds me of the time I...
Joel Robinson
Hi, I'm Joel Robinson and you have two cows. I'm absolutely positive of it.........
Steven Wright
*stone faced* I just got two cows. *again, stone faced* A friend of mine told me about how he used to tip cows. *still stone faced* I decided to tip mine. I gave it fifteen percent. *dude, cheer up*
Al Murray
You have two cows. Proper, British cows. Never milked a pint in their life.
Henny Youngman
Take my cows, please!
Bob Newhart
Hello? H-how many cows? T-t-t-two cows?
Denis Leary
Denis Leary 2
Gimme one second... (Listens to Bill Hicks routine about two cows, then repeats it verbatim). FUCKIN' A!
Dennis Leary3
I love to smoke I love to smoke with cows great for when your trying to be an asshole to your anti-smoking/hippie freinds "oh dont smoke near the cows they have rights to stop the second hand smoke" fucking hippies i hate those goddamn bastards. now go get me some beer that tastes like beer.
Yakov Smirnoff
In Soviet Russia, two cows have YOU!!
Emo Philips
I was in Downers Grove the other day and I went on a blind date... she was a hot mama. And I thought, well, huh, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? YOU knowww... Hoo.. Then she took me to the barn to meet her sister. I suppose you could say that we went beyond the pail. Well? Well? You knowww... Yes, I am QUITE handy with the ladies. I'm a great milker, I bet.
Emo Philips 2
I don't have to tell you people about two cows!... So, that'll save some time.
George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that your neighbors two cows are shit and your shit is two cows?
David Icke
You have two cows. Both are shape-shifting reptilians in disguise with a hidden Agenda designed to covertly control you, and your children, and your children's children.
Monty Python
Two choc-ices, please.
I 'aven't got any choc-ices, just the two cows. TWO COWS!!
Well, what flavour are they?
It's cows, in't it? It's not any bloody flavour. TWO COWS!!
It has to have some sort of flavour!
It's COWS! It's bleedin' . . . bovine . . . bleedin' flavour.
Do you get milk with it?
'Course you don't get any fucking MILK with it, you stupid git!
Monty Python
Do you have any cheddar in this fine cheese shoppe?
Not much call for it today, sir.
Not much call for it? It's the most popular cheese in the world! Any Swiss?
Yes, but do you have any cheese at all?
Monty Python
These two cows are no more! They have ceased to be!
Sam Kinison
I have two cows, and they're BOTH BITCHES LIKE MY EX-WIFE!!! AAAAAAAAA!
Sarah Silverman
I went down on my two cows last night. But being the nice Jewish girl I am, I didn't swallow. Yeah...
Tom Lehrer
You have two game wardens, seven hunters, and a pure-bred Gurnsey cow.
Marcel Marceau
Brian Regan
I'd like to order two cows with sprinkles. NO WAIT, THREE! NO, FOUR! FIVE! "Mooron"
Flip Wilson
You have two cows, right? So you buy one of 'em a dress. THE DEVIL MADE YOU DO IT!
Terrence and Phillip
Hey, Terrence! I have two cows!

Oh really Phillip? Yes! <fart> Ahahahahahahahahah!

Abbott and Costello
"Moo's on first."
"No, Moo's on second. Cud's on first."
Three Stooges
Moe: "You heard the lady, boys. Let's get milkin'."
Curly: (accidentally whacks Larry upside the head with the pail)
Larry: "Oh! Wise guy, eh?" (bops Curly on the head with the stool)
Curly: (dazed) "Look at the cows!"
Lenny Bruce
Udders are goyish. Milk is Jewish. Hooves are very goyish.
Gilbert Gottfried
So one cow is spraying methane gas and cowpies and cowpox all over the place, and the other cow is rolling in it and licking the other cow's ass. Finally they towel themselves off. The talent agent says, "That's quite an act you got there. What do you call it?" And the two cows say, "The Aristocrats!"
Ron White
"Those two calls call me...tater salad." *crowd goes fucking apeshit*
Garrison Keillor
"This portion of our show is brought to you by Two Cows Dairy, that's right, Two Cows, the only dairy run by a Norwegian guy who has two cows and nothing else, which means there's nothing else quite like it, on the face of the earth." *sings Two Cows theme song*
Michael Palin
Well, I wouldn't go about calling myself two cows just because some watery tart lobbed a scimitar at me!
Russell Peters
Summbody gonna get-a milked real bad!!!
Ta-ta-two cows are standing in a field, and one cow says to the other 'hey how are you doing?' to which the other cow replies 'ha-ha-holy shit! a talking cow!'....... *crickets chirp* ...thanks ... you've been a wonderful audience.
Stephen Colbert
Two cows? Are on notice!
Ross Noble
You have two cows. They...Oh, look, a bumblebee! I like bumblebees...[goes into a two-hour diversion from the story before realising he forgot what he was talking about and walks off stage.]
Uncyclopedia presents: the You have two cows anthology!

“Can't sleep, two cows will eat me.”

~ Bart Simpson on You have two cows