You have two cows/17

This article is part of the You have two cows series.

Absolute Monarchy: The king has two cows. He and his cows live off the fat of the land while the poor peasants in the land starve. Then the peasants revolt. At the end he gets hanged, and the cows take power over the peasants. then the cows milk the peasants and put them in slaughter houses to later consume.

Abstract Expressionism: You have two cows, or they can be goats or battleships or galaxies or whatever you personally feel you can see when you stare at them long enough.

Absurdism: You have two cows. Firstly, what the crap is a cow, and why would you have one? It makes no sense whatsoever.

Altruism: You have two cows. You give one to your neighbor. You send the other cow to Somalia.

American Taxes Part I: You have two cows. The government has borrowed thousands upon thousands of cows from other countries and slaughtered them all, and confiscates one of yours. Rather than logically returning a cow to another country, they send it off to another country so that the terrorist cells there can use it to trade for guns.

American Taxes Part II: You have one cow. The government finds out that terrorists they recently donated a cow to have traded it in for weapons, and confiscate your remaining cow to provide milk to soldiers for a ten-year war effort to eliminate the terrorist threat. You, having no cows, have done your patriotic duty, and are now in poverty.

Anarchism: You have two cows. Your neighbour has one cow, and asks you to share your spare cow's milk with them. You voluntarily agree, and with the enthusiastic help of your scientist neighbour you make the cow self-replicate. Now your neighbour also has two cows, and everyone cheers each other on for doing so well without a government.

Anarcho-capitalism: You have two cows. It is your natural right to have these cows. However, as the state is a threat to your right of self-regulation, the courts, military, and police force ought to be replaced by Private Defense Agencies. If one of your cows is stolen, and you can afford a PDA, you may get it back, assuming the thief has not purchased the services of a competing PDA.

Anarcho-communism: The cows are owned by everyone in general and nobody in particular. They are milked by anyone who wishes to do so. Their teats hurt.

Arachno-communism: You have two cows. Giant spiders tell you what to do with them.

Anarcho-individualism: You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to have them and leave to form their own society.

Anarcho-primitivism: As the development of agriculture has resulted in all existing conflict, class distinctions, war, violence, oppression of minority groups, and general misery, society ought to return to its natural state. You should graze alongside your cows, rather than submit them to the oppressions of technology and all its false sciences.

Anarcho-syndicalism: You have two cows. They take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs, but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major—

Andyutopia: You have two cows. You're so leet, that even your cows can write java.

Anthropomorphism: You have two cows. You feel intensely that you are also a cow, and are shunned by your neighbors.

Apocalypticism: You have two cows. It's a sign that the end is nigh!

Arkansas: You have two cows. The one on the left is kind of cute.

Australia: You have two cows but you forgot how big your paddock is and where they are, so you haven't seen them for 2 years.

Australia 2: You and your wife have two cows between you. The tax office insists that both cows belong to just one partner and takes one cow as taxation from this wealthy individual. The welfare department, ignoring the loss of one cow to taxation, declares both cows to be joint assets and insists the dependent spouse hand one cow over since with two cows between them, the couple are undeserving of government support and should share the remaining cow. Both departments insist the couple still have one cow left over since each department only took one of the two cows the couple own. The government boasts about its strong support for married couples, pointing to the rising numbers of couples owning two cows as evidence of that support. The anti-family lobby complain that since the couple were sharing two cows and each partner only lost one cow, they still have one cow each. They argue this two-cow outcome shows an unfair bias in favour of married couples.

Austria: You have two cows but give them away and settle for skiing instead because everybody thinks they're kangaroos.

Austria 2: You have two cows, so you look one in a basement for twenty years and rape the shit out of it.

Autocracy: You had two cows, by the grace of the beloved father dictator.

Aristocracy: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.

Aztec Monarchy: We captured your two cows in battle. We will now sacrifice them to Quetzalcoatl so that the sun continues to rise.

Spanish Conquistadors: I refuse to allow you to sacrifice your two cows; for such an act is immoral and against God! Also, All your Gold Are Belong to Us.

Soviet Russia: Two cows have you.

Soviet Russia 2: You have two cows. They milk you.

Soviet Russia 3: In Soviet Russia, two cows have YOU!!!

Baten Kaitos: You have two Pows. They were caught with magic cards.

Belgium: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

Brazil: You have two cows. The government denies you education and makes sure you're not smart enough to milk them, but agrees to hire equally incompetent people to milk them for you. You get 1% of the milk for a couple of months. You see characters from a TV soap opera with four cows. A nine year old boy shoots you in the head and gets your cows, exchanging them for drugs. A breath-taking awesome action movie is made based on the incident and runs for best Foreign Language film at the Academy Awards. One of the cows is found later with a congressman, legally though.

British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep’s brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

British Democracy 2: You have two cows. One of your cows has a small foot infection. The government orders you to burn both cows. All the cows in the surrounding area are also burned, roads and footpaths are closed and the media throws the country into a panic. You decide to protest about not being allowed to hunt foxes on public roadways.

British Democracy 3: You have two cows. They get sick and you blame badgers. The government makes you kill them and pays you compensation. You are annoyed as you wanted to kill them for meat and aren't allowed to kill the badgers.

British Empire: You have two cows which occupy as much as a quarter of the field. You give them away because you are ashamed that you ever had cows.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other dry and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Bureaucracy 2: You have two cows, and are required to proclaim ownership of purchase to the IRS, the FDA, the IRC (International Requests Channels), the AAA (the old one), the AGB (the Association of Good Business), and the FHA (Form Handling Agency). The IRS has two forms that must be completed and signed under a notary within 24 hours, but no one can work on Sunday under the DBLA. To handle this, the IRS has provided a secondary form that can be attached to the AAA form that can be provided within 48 hours that will be processed via the IRS to the IRC if the IRC form is completed first. In order to request the IRC form a form must be processed to the FHA within 72 hours which will be returned within 24 hours but it's really more like two weeks. If you have enough money to bribe the forms through, then official forms must be handled to the IRC and FHA in the same procedure as for the IRS. If a dual IRS-AAA form is processed, a separate AAA form must be handled within 61.8 hours with a surchage of $47.56 but only through the IRC with permission from the FHA, permission from the FHA can be provided provided proof that forms for the FDA have been properly secured. The money paid on the surchage is tax-deductible provided that a form is processed to the IRS via the IRC with knowledge of service from the FHA within 24 hours, knowledge of service from the FHA can only be provided if proof of forms for the completion of forms for the AAA is handled. Proof for forms can be requested from the FHA with a $50 surcharge on one form, $55 on proof for two forms, $60 for three forms, etc.. Forms for the FDA (which must be filed within a month) can only be secured if the purchase meets guidelines from the AGB verifiable through forms collected via the AAA, the verification forms from the AAA can be received through the FHA again via the IRC if a request is placed within two weeks, if the verification form is processed, reviewed, and deemed satisfactory by the AGB, a satisfactory completion form will be mailed within one month to be handled by the FHA via the IRC to the FDA to allow forms for the AAA and thus IRS to be processed. Any breaches of protocol with cause the purchaser to be fined $100.

Of course, the easier and cheaper way (considering it's impossible to make the paperwork through on time, the hours don't add up) is to bribe an official at the IRS, IRC, FHA, AAA, AGB, and FDA $100 each and they'll take care of the rest.

Bureaucratic Socialism

You had two cows. The government takes them from you. Your cows now are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Bushism

A couple dozen Al-Cowda terrorists attack domestic locations while you're reading "My Pet Goat." You immediately get your Attorney General working on figuring out how to suspend "Habeas Cowpus." Later, you hear that a camel-populated cowntry (unrelated to the attacks) might have weapons of mass digestion. You have two cows with which you invade that country. Hey, "You go to war with the cows you have, not the cows you *wish* you had." Your cows are the best in the world at what they were trained to do and immediately graze away the existing pasture-al structure of that country. Only one of your cows speaks camel-ise and you just found out that he's gay - you discharge him from service with great haste. Your popularity moooves lower and lower as the camels reject your cud-chewing philosophies. Caught in a lose/lose situation you offer the strategy of "Staying the Cows."

Bill Clintonism: You have two cows. The President's wife tries to take one, she fails and Democrats lose Congress. You then get to keep your cows, sell the milk, keep the profits, and "triangulate" yourself to appear as if you are sharing with others. The people with no cows get mad, but you get fellatioed by one of the cows, the Republicans try to impeach you, and the people with no cows get mad at them!

Byzantine Autocracy: You have two cows and two icons. The cows are worthless, but the Theotokos has blessed one of the Icons to give you pure and sweet milk. Because of this, many pilgrims come to your monastery, and you gain additional support and farmland from the State. The Emperor visits, and then gives you even more money to build a bigger monastery at the site.

Byzantine Autocracy under Leo IV: You have two cows and no icons. If you have any icons, you will be tortured and executed by the state, and your cows will be confiscated and given to soldiers of the Anatolikon theme. However, you can keep your two cows as long as you don't depict them in ANY way, shape, or form.

California: You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only 5 speak English. Most are illegals. Their leader once starred in a cow bodybuilding movie and has a lovechild.

Canada: You have 2 cows. The government takes the milk and puts it in a bag. You get free health care.

Canada 2: You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches.

Canada 3: You have two cows. The French cow complains it is being oppressed by the English cow, and threatens to leave the farm. To keep it in the farm, you have to feed it the English cow's milk.

Catullus: You have 2 cows. They gave you 3300 kisses!

Cayman Islands: You have two cows. You don't need to pay any taxes about them.

Chicago: You have 3 cows, and no place to keep them. You give one cow to your Alderman, who arranges a permit to keep them in the city park. The 2 cows are so happy they cast 4 votes for the Alderman and he is reelected for life. Everyone is happy, except for the Feds, who launch a sweeping anti-corruption compaign. Your 2 cows are now indicted, but the case is dropped for lack of evidence.

Chicago 2: You have 2 cows. One of them accidentally kicks over a lantern and burns down half of the city.

Chicago 3: You have seven cows who play various musical instruments. They sing "If You Leave Me Now".

Communism - Cambodian: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. Your family complains about your unfair death on LiveJournal, which is immediately blocked by the government.

Communism - Cambodian 2: You have two cows. The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you for fun.

Communism - modern Chinese: You have no cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald's and issues a proclamation saying that even though it is capitalism it is still socialist. You would be confused, but you learned doublethink in the public schools so there's no problem. Everyone is happy and the Chinese government is both happy and wealthy.

Communism - Chinese: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers. You arrest his family, too, just to be safe.

Communism - Chinese 2: You have two cows. You take care of them. The government takes all the milk, but you are encouraged to steal some of it back (before someone else does).

Communism - Chinese 3: You have two cows. The government's corporate partners force you at gunpoint to employ small children to milk them under dangerous working conditions for little pay. The milk (after being adulterated with melamine) is sold at Wal-Mart in capitalist countries for rock-bottom prices.

Communism - Chinese 4: You have two cows - after stealing this business model from someone else.

Communism - Chinese - Mao: You have two pigs. The government launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city, and then sells them to the capitalist west. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations, despite very limited success. You and your neighbors starve.

Communism - Chinese - Mao 2: You have two bulls. Several people are killed while attempting to milk them.

Communism - Castro: Fidel Castro has two cows. They are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, "The Benevolent Father of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen cow milk since 1985.

Communism - Cuban: You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. You begin to suspect that Fidel has no idea what he's talking about.

Communism - North Korean: We do not need cows. Those are the tools of the ruthless capitalist exploiters and rapists of the proletariat in the oppressed, feudal South. We will, in keeping with the principles of Juche, eat our own grass. Please do not pay attention to the mooing coming from the two large crates addressed to the Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il.

Communism - North Korean 2: You have two cows. The government takes them away and feeds them to the God-King. You starve to death, and when you complain, the government shoots you and puts your family in a concentration camp, even though the God-King has had nine heart attacks.

Communism - Russian: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government only lets you have a portion of the milk. Then the government sends you to gulag in northern Siberia when you complain that the people working in the big cities already have enough without taking your milk.

Communism - Russian: You have two cows, and only enough fodder to keep one alive through the Moscow winter. One of the cows is a hard worker, producing enough milk for thirty families, whereas the other is a leech living off state welfare without producing any milk. You split the hay evenly between them, and they both starve. You receive the Order of Lenin 2nd Class for your adherence to the Marxist philosophy.

Communism - Bureaucratic: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

Communism - Stalin 2: Your cows never existed.

Communism - Stalin: You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary. The cows are put in the Gulag. The milk? What milk? Who are you, and why are you asking about milk, comrade?

Communism - Stalin 2: You must be mistaken. The two cows you speak of never existed. I hope we have cleared up this misunderstanding. I suggest you never mention it again.

Communism - Lenin: You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary when you try to drink their milk. The cows are also shot as counter- revolutionary for supplying you with the milk. The urban proletariat gets the milk, but refuses to drink such petit bourgeois liquids.

Communism - Soviet: In Soviet Russia, two cows have YOU!!

Communism - Soviet 2: You have two cows. They milk you.!!

Communism - Philippines: These cows won't stop destroying your stuff or abducting your family until you give them their daily grass to chew on.

Conservipediaism: You have two cows. You start a homeschool organization to protest the evil public schools pushing the homosexual agenda. You eventually receive more cows to go in your homeschool organization. However, your cows all turn out to be gay.

Capitalism: You have no cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. Go and sell your cows for a third of their original cost. The bank takes 10.3% of that third of their original cost, your employer takes another 16.4%, the local government unofficially takes 35%, the secret police liberate 12.1%, the bank takes another 10.3%, and the Democratic party takes 32.6%.

Capitalism 2: You have two cows. Your landlord wants his rent, so you sell one cow to pay him. Your other cow dies when you try to milk it 8 times a day to have enough for your starving family. The next month the landlord again wants his rent, and you, debted, with no cows, are forced to work like a slave in a dehumanizing factory for laughable wages while your debt becomes greater through interest rates. Then you lose your job as it is outsourced to China, and you starve to death in the gutter.

Capitalism 3: You were born into a family with 1000 cows (with WordGirl's help). You hire indebted people and illegal immigrants at slave wages to milk them and manage to wrestle the competition and vertically integrate them all, gaining a monopoly. You get richer and richer doing absolutely nothing except swim around in Caipirinhas in a Caribbean resort, while your workers cannot afford to buy the milk with their wages. You are the envy of the world, and your daughter becomes an icon when she decides that her vocation is to be a whore and posts videos of her work on the internet.

Capitalism 4: You have 100,000,000 cows, and you are absolutely drowning in so much more milk than anybody can afford or drink, as one half of them is unemployed and the other half is working in your milk mines 32 hours a day. You lobby the government into starting a war, giving the unemployed half an income that they must use on milk that the government gets from you. You attach laser sights to your cow's horns and sell them for ludicrous prices to the government to be used as laser guided bombs. The government prints money to pay you, inflation is the result but you remain just as rich because all of the money that is printed goes straight to you.

Capitalism 5: You have two cows. You sell both to an agricultural business firm and use the money you made selling the cows to buy milk to feed yourself.

Capitalism - Brazil: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

Capitalism - Netherlands: You have two cows. You create a separate holding (of which you make yourself CEO), sell the cows to it then lease them back. Legal fees paid for the forming of the holding are tax-deductible. Oh, and in the first three years, your holding has extra tax benefits for being a small start-up company. Oh, and at the other end, you are allowed deduct the cow-leasing fee before taxes. So far, so good. With the money you got from selling the cows you decide to buy three pigs, with an additional option for seven more (at a fixed low price). And while you're at it, you get some options on three more cows (to be bought for a price based on a gliding scale, but still very attractive all in all). You sell your milk quota for all five cows at the stock exchange when prices are high, then buy back two cows worth from your neighbour when he is desperate enough to sell. You even do him a favor and sell him the options to the three extra cows at a friendly price. Or so he thinks. You now have two cows (with milk quota) and three pigs, plus a surplus amount of cash. You decide to cash in on two of the pigs options that you still own. Then, you sell three of your pigs to your cow-lease firm and then lease them back. The remaining five pig options are thrown into the deal. Since you have reduced the number of pigs that you might have owned from ten to five, the government (backed up by the European Commission) compensates you for the loss of income that you have suffered for not actually having owned the five optional pigs. Queen Beatrix comes along and commends you for being such an outstanding entrepreneur. Everybody is happy as a clam. Then unexpectedly one cow dies from the bird flu (H5N1). You demand a replacement cow from the cow-leasing firm. This, in turn, leads to litigation between the lease company and the insurance company (you DID take out insurance, didn't you?) After a while, the cow-leasing firm goes bankrupt. Since you now are unemployed (no longer being CEO of the cow-leasing firm) you apply for welfare. At 70% of the average earnings made over the last three months, this is a handsome income indeed. You decide to employ a caretaker for you business and retire. When you ask around at the Rotary what experiences the other members have hiring labour you learn that there is this new and exciting government program meant to deal with long-term unemployment. WHEEE!!!

Capitalism - Hong Kong: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

Capitalism - Russian: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Capitalism - Russian 2: You have no cows, but Roman Abromhovich has 7,000,000,000 cows which he bought off the government for two cups of milk in a closed auction.

Capitalism - Russian 3: You had two cows but you didn't know what they were or how to milk them so you sold them to Mikhail Kodorovsky for a cup of milk.

Capitalism - Swedish: You have two cows. You bought them from IKEA and assembled them yourself (it was cheaper). The Volvo cows last a lot longer but don't look as trendy.

Capitalism - Danish: You have two cows, and when a farmer from another country wants to come to your country you refuse this "in order to maintain the old danish culture" (regardless of how many cows the foreign farmer has). Meanwhile Sweden refuses to listen to you so all you can do now is to add this to Uncyclopedia.

Capitalism - Japanese: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Almost all graduated in the top 10 percent of their class. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide. But cows suffer severe depression and number of new generation cows fall, and their children cows don't go out from their bedroom, where children's personal computer and cellphone battery charger is.

Capitalism - Japanese 2: You have two cows. They are commissioned to write new games for the new gaming systems. Five years later the Chinese cows take over the gaming market with counterfeit copies of the games you make. You lose your job and your meat is mixed up with the beef from the United States that is infected with Mad Cow Disease. Your meat is dumped into the sea and the fish eat it. Then this causes a huge epidemic of Mad Fish Disease. The entire seafood industry in Japan collapses and everybody starves to death.

Capitalism - Japanese 3: You have two cows. Your cow milk well and you have a generous life while cows are young. But as time goes on, cows get old and stop milking. You would try to kill old cow and buy younger ones, but the supreme court doesn't allow your killing old cows and buying new because it is "market-fundamentalism". You become poor.

Capitalism - Japanese 4: You and your immediate family members and close associates operate an expansive cow business for 54 years ever since they started from two cows. However your cow business is damn corrupted to the bone until you're afraid of your rival cow businesses.

Capitalism - Japanese 5: You have two cows. You bought them by illegal funding. You politely resign yourself as a cow buyer and live in a cold and bitter life while watching hentai.

Capitalism - Mexican: You have two cows. The Spanish come, take the cows away, and give you mirrors in return. The mirrors break, the Spanish enslave you for 400 years and destroy your culture. You try to get the cows back from the Spanish by rebelling. You rebel, but the sons of the Spanish keep the cows. They milk the cows and drink milk in front of you until you get sick of it, and try to democratically take the cows from them. You discover you're not the only one that wants the cows, and the democratic movement turns into a civil war/rebellion/faction infighting hell - after years of fighting, you don't manage to get the cows: you have to organise all the people that want them into a single party so you can all have milk without tearing each other apart over who gets to keep the cows. Everybody joins the party, and in exchange for loyalty and commitment to it, you get a little milk every now and then. This goes on for 70 years, until a rancher comes along and defeats the party in the elections. Now, the rancher milks the cows and doesn't give anyone milk, save for his friends, that make millions selling the milk. After that, the rancher discovers that there's a candidate promising to seize the cows if he wins the elections, and to share the milk with everyone. The rancher destroys that candidate's reputation, and he loses the elections. Now a dwarf is in charge of the cows. Much to his dismay, when killing one of the cows to have a steak, he discovers the cow was full of cocaine and marihuana packets. 6000 people get killed.

Capitalism - North Korea: You have two cows after North Korean government conducted an attempt to introduce a lesser form of capitalism around the cities that are near to the Chinese border. Your very tiny business fails miserably when you tried to sell the milk to the Chinese. And you feel hopeless. Then you plan to seek immigration as a refugee to South Korea on the price of selling your two cows.

Capitalism - South Korea 1: You have two cows. You follow exactly what the Japanese did to their cows with a distinctly Korean twist but it's better than the Japanese counterpart half of the times.

Capitalism - South Korea 2: You have two cows. You decide to trade them with few chickens or two pigs because there is a huge demand of pork bellies and chicken in the domestic market. Your business grows and become satisfied. Afterwards you will invest in sustainable-growing vegetables or fruits of farmers and organic domestic animal growers right before you join huge anti-governmental protests for eroding the South Korean environment. You are pissed and plan to send your educated children to Canada or USA for better education and jobs, so you let them invest on your new honest cow business right after you sell your pig or chicken business.

Capitalism - South Korea 3: You have two cows. You don't want to milk them but instead, you switch them with more than two Korean native brown cows (한우). You lend some them to the Korean folk villages catered for tourists and eagerly-obsessed students and get a steady flow of income. You sell the beef with good price but you are planning to protest against the un-patriotic government for approving the American beef import. Later, you lost your cow business and become a part-time instructor in a low-profile polytechnic college and a part-time advisor for your tiny local wholesales complex for trading rice, vegetables and legumes. Your work on two part-time jobs will sustain you enough to take care of your other family members a bit. You encourage your sons or nephews to get into the cow business or into the TV comedy business while you teach them how to be skeptical to the government for harassing farmers and poor people to give some good insights for developing nice sarcastic humor.

Capitalism - Swiss: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one.

Capitalism - Wall Street: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.

Capitalism - Wall Street 2: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows to increase your share price on the stock market. You get Anderson to audit your business. You lose your business after Anderson demands thirty billion dollars in payment for the audit and you lose your cows.

Capitalism - Interventionist: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it to fascist governments in countries you've never heard of as part of the neverending battle against the "evils" of communism.

Capitalism - Industrial: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead. You half the wages of your workers in order to buy a new cow.

Capitalism - Democratic: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a hamster and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

Capitalism - Republican: You have two cows. Your poor black neighbor has none. So?

Capitalism - Republican 2: You have two cows. You give one cow to a lobbyist who gives the cow to a Congressman in exchange for lowering the cow tax. Now you have one cow and a Congressman. You fail at tell them apart.

Capitalism - Republican 3: The poor should give their cows to the rich so that the milk will trickle back down to the poor.

Capitalism - Republican 4: You have no cows, but you have Captian Huggy Face, and Sailor Earth

Capitalism - Enron: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. He then executes a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more. The public buys your bull. Now all this makes it look like you have 17 cows, but you really owe this guy five cows.

Capitalism - American: You have two cows. You prosper from their milk. You downsize the cows and get five Chinese calves, who produce milk cheaply and in horrific conditions. Your old cows are living on skimpy welfare payments and are scorned by other cows because they were too lazy to produce milk.

Capitalism - American 2: You have two cows. You give one to a lobbyist who talks to a congressman. The congressman gives you tax breaks. With the extra money you buy ten more cows. You give seven cows to the lobbyist, who encourages the government to pay you thirty cows so you can build a milk pipeline in Saudi Arabia so American citizens can have more milk, while depriving Saudi Arabian chickens of their freedom. You get fifty more cows because of it. You use forty cows to build a beef factory in China. In Saudi Arabia anti-cow sentiment is brewing because cows support the government. You ignore it. Several relatives of decapitated rebel-chickens crash planes into two very tall barns. You blame their religion and go to war with a nation which is home to the leader of the chickens. You give up because there are no hamburger stands there, go to war with a totally unrelated nation and start torturing ducks.

Capitalism - American (Circa 2008): You have two cows. You loan one cow to a neighbor who can't feed it. The cow starves to death. You ask the government for another cow.

Carthaginian Republic: You had two cows, before you were killed and the Romans took them.

Christianity: You have two cows, and the Lord hath said unto you, 'Go forth, my child, drink thine milk and eat thine patties.'

Colonialism: You had two cows - until they set up their own farm and claimed independence.

Cubism: You have two cows - but no one can tell what they are if you don't explain it to them.

Dadaism: You have two cows.

Dadaism 2: You are two cows.

Darwinism: You have two cows, and since you are at the top of the food chain - you eat them.

Democracy: You have two cows. An election is held, and the cows win.

Democracy: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products. You starve, and they become unemployed and go bankrupt.

Democracy - Athenian: You have two cows. Your cows and yourself can vote and write flamboyant tales and philosophy for 100 years or so, blissfully ignoring the fact that women and the poor don't have the same rights. You are then owned every so often by the Persians, Spartans or Macedonians, then the Romans come along and crush you for good. Oh, and they sacrifice the cows to Mars.

Democracy - Philippines: You have two cows. The people are hungry. An election is held, and the cows win because their milk fed the people. The people go hungry again and take to the streets in People Power and demand the cows to be slaughtered. They are made into hamburgers. A few days later, the people are hungry again.

Democracy - Philippines (2): If the cows hate their herder, they simply cause a stampede and dump their pies all over a field called EDSA to force him/her out. If that doesn't work, they try (and try, and try, and try, and try, and try and try, and try, and try---whew--but, hold on, I'm not done yet--and try and try and try...) again to impeach him/her.

Democracy - American: You have two cows. Some old man in Washington gives a speech on his intentions to tell you who gets the milk and then blame Japan while border guards beat up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a minute or so and then go back to televised sports "where there's no violence".

Democracy - American 2: You have two cows. The government exercises those powers delegated to it by the people, who are sovereign. The majority does not rule because the people and their representatives (elected, appointed and employed) are constrained by various checks and balances, including the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the three co-equal branches of government, and the 50 state republics (see, e.g., Article IV, section 4). So what the government does with your cows and with the milk is somehow not involved with what the people want.

Democracy - American 3: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the President is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."

Democracy - Argentina: You have two cows and you elect one as president. The other is stolen by fugitive neo-nazi's who you couldn't be bothered extraditing. And all the while you're just happy that you haven't got some shit-crazy dictator.

Democracy - Florida: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best-looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

Democracy - Australian: You have two cows. The government nationalizes your herd to control the price of milk and level the playing field for consumers. Each cow has a calf and they grow into cows. The milkers union stage an industrial action (strike) to protest the increase in the number of milk cows. A new party comes to power and the economic rationalists privatize your herd to control the price of milk and level the playing field for producers. The government orders the slaughter of two cows to cut production and control the price of milk. You throw a huge beef Barbie (barbecue), with XXXX (how Australians spell beer), invite the milkers union, and give a speech espousing the merits of a level playing field. Everyone is stuffed to the gills with beef, milk, and beer, and nods gravely during your speech. You still have two cows.

Democracy - Japanese: You have two cows. You can get milk from them. But you can't butcher them and get meat because possession of arms and using violence is prohibited by The Constitution Chapter 9.

Democracy - Singaporean: You have two cows. You have to pay the government $10000 for a certificate of cow ownership. The government charges you for parking them and fines you for not cleaning up afterwards. 5% of the milk goes to the government as GST. The rest goes to charity because the government says so. NKF uses the milk to trick people into believing they are sabers of coloured milk and uses the money to buy gold plated taps and first class flights. You go broke and make the cows into hamburgers. The government then charges you for genocide.

Democracy - Pure: You have two cows. A vote is held over whether to kill you, eat your meat, and sell your bones on the market. The cows win.

DragonballZism: You have OVER 9000 cows.

Dyslexia: Uyo ehva wto swoc.

Conservatism: You have two cows. You lock them up, and charge people to look at them.

Economics: Assume you have two cows.

Economics - Free Trade: Foreign countries want to export two cows to your country. You are the US and don't want this, so you enact the Hawley-SMOOOOt Tariff and cause the world's entire market system to grind to a halt, and no one has two cows because they've all been eaten.

Eastern European Democracy: You have two cows. You sell the milk (diluted with some water) at a high price to the neighbors or to anyone at the open-air market. If somebody asks for receipt, you charge for a two times higher price, so nobody will request an invoice. For concerned families with small babies you claim that the milk is "bio", though you collect the grass for feeding at the side of the highway and you keep the milk in plastic barrels used previously as containers of dangerous chemicals. Later, your neighbor or anybody from town will steal the cows and will buy their meat for a high price, and if you ask for a receipt, you will be charged for a two times higher price.

Elpis: You have two cows. One of them is killed in an EOT council terrorist attack. So you decided to sue a random British man for that.

European Federalism: You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job.

ENRON Corporation: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

Environmentalism: You had two cows. PETA and other environmentalists came along, took them, released them into the wild (where they are immediately eaten by the wildlife in a gruesome way), kicked your ass, burned down your house, fucked your wife, other female relatives, left you and your family naked, since they also believe clothes fuck up the environment.

Egoism: You have two cows, but who cares about that? What about me?

Existentialism: You think you have two cows therefore you have.

Existentialism 2: You have two meaningless cows and there is no god.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Fascism 2: You have two cows. You give the milk to the government and the government sells it to fund the anti-communist movement.

Fascism 3: You have two cows. The government takes one away and presses it into military service.

Fascism 4: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage. You blow up the cow depository. Now no one has any cows, except the leaders, who still have thousands. Your children starve to death and you kill yourself.

Fascism 5: You have two cows. The Fuhrer declares them an enemy of the people and sends them to Auschwitz.

Fascism 5: You have two cows. You care for them, milk them, and feed them. The government shoots you, and takes your cows.

Fascism 6: You have two cows. The government sends one cow to the Eastern front while the other has a big nose and is gassed. You however are shot.

Fascism - Corporate: You have two cows. The State takes both; their cronies form a corporation, hire you to take care of the cows and sell you the milk.

Fatalism: You have two cows. You die. You don't know if they die because you're already dead.

Fatalism 2: You have two cows, and there's not a damned thing you can do about it.

FCC (an acronym for theFascist Crackhead Castratos): You have two cows, both of which you regularly milk. Some dumb prick passing by your house observes you milking one of the cows, takes a seat and watches the whole thing through, and then complains to the FCC about the "extremely offensive and indecent act presented to him," citing the "obvious sexual references" and "family inappropriate nature" of the milking. You are then fined an exorbitant amount of money for violating indecency laws, and the aforementioned cow is banned from public presentation, effective immediately. However, since no one has filed a complaint about the milking of the second cow, you may continue your treatment of the second cow, as the FCC is a complaint based organization.

FEMA: You have two cows. You name one Katrina and the other Rita. You spend your time in the field blissfully looking the other way, mindlessly daydreaming while they wipe the entire state of Louisiana as well as much of Mississippi and their inhabitants forever off the map. Ypu're doing a heck of a jpb.

Feminism: You have two cows. They refuse to be milked because bulls aren't subjected to the indignity of being milked and there's NO difference between cows and bulls.

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes five-eights of the milk.

Feudalism 2: You have two cows. Your lord takes one of them. While milking the other one day, a knight rides up and kills you, and takes your other cow.

Feudalism 3: You have two cows. Your lord has the right to deflower them on their wedding night.

Financial Crisis-ism: You can't afford two cows. But because of rising cow prices the bank offers you a loan to buy one. When cow prices fall you are unable to payback the loan. The bank goes bust because no one pays back the loans they have made. The government has to bail out the bank. The milk is given to the bankers as bonuses.

Florida: You have two cows. One is seduced by a schoolteacher and then threatened by the owner of the cow next door, who claims your cow was making fun of it; the other is mauled by an alligator.

France: You have two cows (Vous avez deux vaches). They outnumber you (Elles sont plus nombreuses). You surrender and collaborate (Vous vous rendez et collaborez).

France 2: You have two cows. You stir up rebellion and organise riots, because YOU want THREE cows.

France 2: You have two cows. The cows go on strike and barricade your doors to demand more grass.

France 3: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

Fordism: Your have two cows. You decide one of them is redundant and sell it. Instead of tending to the remaining cow yourself, you hire ten people to do it(one for each stage of the cow-tending process).

Galactic Empire: You are searching for two cows on a desert planet, only to find that they have been taken by your neighbours. You kill your neighbours, only to realise that they didnt actually have the two droids your originally thought they did.

Gandhi: You have two cows. They form a national cownsel and demand autonomy. They declare peaceful protest and the right to milk themselves. A public movement to milk themselves embarrasses the British government. The Nazis overrun Europe. They declare that Nazis aren't any worse than the British. The Nazis mark your cows down for future extermination.

Germany: You have two cows. You rub their manure on yours and your partners chest.

Germany 2: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run 100 miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

Gonzales: I don't recall any cows.

Government cow-er-up: Cows never crash-landed in the New Mexico desert. In fact, cows never even existed. You never saw anything.

Greece: You have two cows.So what?

Green: You have two cows. They produce too much methane. You shoot them and win the Nobel Peace prize for finding a new way to cut down natural green house gas emission

Halutopia: You have two cows. They are yours. You are the only person there.

Hedonism: You have two cows. They're too busy drinking, partying, and having sex to give milk.

Heartland: You have two cows... and so does everyone else.

Hinterland: You have two cows. No one has enough money to buy the milk you produce, so you sell them to the Heartland.

Housing Bubble Crash 2008: You bought a cow you cannot afford from a very friendly loan officer. When interest rates explode, the collectors begin coming to your farm, so you do the logical thing, and abandon your cow and the farm it's on. The President and Federal Reserve Chairman deny that there's any problem with the cow market.

Idiocracy: You have two cows. One cow is stupid and breeds with other stupid cows, while the smart cow doesn't try to mate. Eventually you have lots of stupid cows.

Idiocracy #2: You have two cows. These two cows moo while you're watching "Ow! My Balls!" You Slaughter them mercilessly for interrupting "Ow! My Balls!"

Idiocracy 3: You have two cows. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

Idiocracy 4: If you have one cow that can fill a 5 gallon milk bucket, and one cow that can fill a two gallon milk bucket, how many cows do you have?

Idiocy: You bribe one cow to eat you and the other cow to eat itself.

Imelda Marcos: You have two cows. One is love, and the other is peace. Love and peace make beauty, while peace and beauty make love, while beauty and love make peace. Feed the first cow to enrich the other cow, but you cannot feed the other cow because it will deprive the spirit of beauty. If you deprive the two cows of beauty, you will get a Pac-Man soul. That's peace.

Indian Democracy: You have two cows. The government passes a law forbidding you to kill them. The minority religious constitencies fight for your right to kill the cows if you choose to do so. Your cows are featured in a Yash Chopra movie dramatization of the dispute, become film stars, and are elected to parliament.

Indonesia 1: You have two cows. You give them both away as dowry and get married. The cows eventually end up as halal meat patties at a McDonalds which is being destroyed by protesters.

Indonesia 2: You have two cows. You sell them to a halal beef processing facility that exports its beef to Malaysia. You instead buy an abandoned soybean farm in the countryside from a bad farm owner with the help of mainland Chinese investors. Malaysian businessperson will send an angry letter to you why you ditched your two cows.

Ingsoc: You have two cows, and you provide them with plenty of fresh feedcow and clean, cool cowdrink. However, miniluv declares this to be crimethink. You are taken away to be realigned with the Party. When you return you realize that you actually have five cows.

Ingsoc 2: You have two cows. The government takes them, erases all records that the cows ever existed, and gives you artificial milk and artificial meat instead.

Ingsoc 3: You have two cows. Your neighbor has two cows. Together, you have five cows.

Ingsoc 4: You have one cow. You have always had one cow.

Ingsoc 5: You have two cows. Black is white. Eurasia is ungood. Eastasia is ungood. Oceania is plusgood. BB is doubleplus good. You have one cow.

Ingsoc 6: You have two cows. You get two more cows. You now have five cows. If you do not believe this, you will be arrested, tortured, released, and then killed.

Ingsoc 7: How many cows am I holding up?

Internet: You have tucows. Use it to download shit.

Internet 2: You have two cows. They have one cup.

Internet 3: You have a series of cows.

Internet 4: You have two cows and a Goatse.

Iraqi Corporation: You have two cows but they are taken away from you. Everybody else thinks you have lots of cows, so they decide to bomb the shit out of you. You still have no cows, but at least you are now part of a democracy.

Iraq: You have three cows. You're killed because other people want what's under the land the cows graze on. Your three cows then attempt to kill each other.

Iraq 2: You have 2 cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

Ireland: You have two cows. One must be sold in order to purchase more scarce potatoes while the other miraculously becomes Minister for Health

Islamic Republic: You have two cows, thats all.

Israel: You have two cows that think the neighbor's farm is theirs too. You spend all your time protecting them from the neighbors.

Italian Republic: You have two cows. You have no idea where they are. You break for lunch.

Italian Republic 2: You have two cows. You use them to make a seven course meal. While you were eating you missed a vote and are no longer prime minister.

Jack: Jack has two cows. One dies due to exess facial hair invading the eyes, mouth and nostrils. The other simply fails.

Japan - WWII Era: You have two cows. They sacrifice themselves to the emperor's cause of fighting in Manchuria. Afterwards other countries go crazy whenever you visit a farm or burger joint.

Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them to make the milk of 10 cows, and be 5 times more compact. You create a clever cartoon character, dub it 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide. And Chinese corporations make cheaper copies of them.

JFK: You have two cows. You go on a prade one day and get assasinated. A conspiracy theory forms involving both cows, one on a grssy nole and one in a building. They later kill both cows in secret and realise that niehter of them could have done it.

John Howard: You had two cows and their calves were thrown overboard by illegal immigrants.

"Jon Mack": You have two cows. You feed them McDonald's food. They get fat and play guitar.

Jokes: You have two cows. These two cows walk into a bar and...Shit! Wrong section.

Jokes 2: You have three cows. Two walk into a bar, but the third one ducks.The two that ran into the(metal)bar give you milk and a good laugh. The one that ducked somehow sheared it's body apart from it's head and legs. You drink milk and eat steak for many nights. Your cows hate you, make your hot wife shoot milk out of her boobs, and shear your body from your head and limbs. The jokes gets in a infinite loop and the world ignites, explodes, and does it again until a McDonald's turns into a black hole and destroys everything. And you. And me. And Wikipedia. And only Uncyclopedia exists, until it A splodes. This sucks.

Kevin Rudd: Do you have two cows? Yes. Will you have three cows any time soon? No. My challenge to Mr Howard is this: create more cows for working families.

Kevin Rudd 2: You have a whole country side of camels. You decide to kill the cammels so you have room for your two cows. Your'e then criticized by Americans for commiting Camelcide.

Kevin Rudd 3: You have two cows. Your neighbour has no cows. You form a commity involving the rest of your neighbourhood to try and figure out a way to make everyone feel included.

Kevin Rudd 4: You have two cows. Some big companies are causing pollution that affects the growth of cows. You give them your cows in an attempt to stop them from polluting. They kill the cows and send their hoofs back to you as a thankyou gift.

Keynesian Economics: You have two cows. Both of them are concrete.

Keynesian Economics 2: You have two cows. The government gives you a third cow so that you will be able to make more money which would then feed into other industries. Most historians believe, though, that your economic woes were actually resolved when you fought your neighbors.

Kleptocracy: You have two cows. The government steals them... yeah... that's it.

Lebanon: You have two cows. They are owned by Syria. You drive them out in a revolution but one cow is held hostage by Hezbollah and the other is assassinated by it's political enemies. You are then killed in an Israeli air strike.

Lebanon 2: You had two cows, but one was bought by Syria. The other was bought with money from the United States. Every so often they skirmish. It's not pretty.

Libertarianism: You have two cows. You exchange one for gold and rent out the other for more gold. You sit alone in your house with lots and lots of gold, slowly starving and suffering from malnutrition due to lack of dairy products.

Libertarian-Socialism: You have two cows. Someone steals one. You give the police a bucket of milk to find the guy and get your cow back. The cop keeps your cow after arresting the guy.

Libertarian-Syndicalism: You own 47.8% of your cows, the Farmer's Union owns 15.4%. the person that owns the barn owns 28.5%, and shares of the remaining 8.3% are traded on the open market.

Malaysia: You have two cows. They end up being taken to court and forced to convert to Islam.

Materialism: I have two cows, and they're both MINE! MINE! MINE! Damn you! You can't have them! Leave them alone, and gimme more cows!

Mentalism: When I click my fingers you will awake from your trance and have two cows!

Matrixism: There are no cows.

Me: I have twenty cows because my daddy's rich.

Meritocracy: You have two cows. The government awards the cow that makes the most milk, which is then put in a stud farm.

Militarism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Monarchy: You have two cows... and the queen drives past to wave at them.

Monty Python: You have two cows. If the cows weight the same as a duck, they are made of wood, and therefore resting, and not dead. You have two ex-cows. Ni.

Mother 3: You have two cows. The Pig Army turns them into Cowasaurus Rex.

Nationalism: You have two cows. One, due to its breed and national origin, in inherently superior to the other. You kill the other.

Nazism: The government shoots you and takes your two cows!!

Nazism 2: You have two cows. One of them is jewish, and is sent to the gas chambers.

Neo-Conservatism: You have two cows. Your enemies have two cows. You sell Nerve gas to your enemies' neighbors to get rid of the cows. He uses them on your enemies, but also on your allies' cows. You wage 2 long, merciless wars to get rid of the person that you sold nerve gas to. You sell both cows to fund the wars and owe 200 cows. You blame the terrorists for the whole ordeal.

Neo-Liberalism: You make a deal where your child corporation buys two cows from the government for 50 cents each. Over several years you let all the profit go to your Swiss bank account, and neglect the cows. Your child corporation files for bankruptcy, the government finds out about the state of the cows and buys them back for $3 million each.

Neo-Colonialism: Your neighbor has two cows. You convince him to borrow money from you to build a farm he cannot afford. The farm becomes a mismanaged disaster that will require even more money to get it up to scratch. You refinance the loan so that he will never pay off the interest payments in his lifetime. You then convince him to sell you the two cows at very cheap prices.

Neopia: You have two Kaus.

New Labourism: You have two cows. One stands to be leader of the Labour party, the other one wants to stand but would probably lose, and in doing so would destabilize the party. The cow which has stood makes a deal with the other cow that if they win the general election he will step down as Prime minister after eight years and give the other cow the job. After eight years the Prime minster cow decides to to go back on this deal. The other cow and his supporters try to force the Prime minister cow to resign. After two more years the Prime minister cow finally resigns and gives the job to the other cow. Who subsequently loses the next election because he's crap at the job.

New Zealand: You have two cows. You exchange them for two sheep, and become the bane of many an Australian joke for years to come.

New Zealand 2: You have two cows. You've always had two cows, because the government paid you more than your milk was worth so that the nation could afford milk. When they stop paying subsidies you club together with everyone else that has two cows and sell all your milk to China to make infant formula. China sells the milk back to you at a profit and fakes up the formula with rice water and plastic and kills off all the kids that didn't die in an earthquake or a flood.

New Zealand 3: You have two cows, refer to them as hobbits, and are currently trying to take them to Isengard.

Nigerian: You have twenty-five million cows, but they are locked in a vault. You need a gullible foreigner to free them.

Nigerian 2: DEAR FRIEND, I AM SON OF FORMER NIGERIAN PRESIDENT SANI ABACHA. YOU WERE RECOMMENDED TO ME BY A COLLEAGUE. I HAVE A BUSINESS PROPOSITION FOR YOU. I HAVE TWO COWS...

Nigerian Government: You have two cows. You are blamed for the starvation in Africa because of your greed.

Nigerian Government 2: You have two cows. They scam people by e-mail.

Nihilism: You have no cows. Who really cares, anyway? They're just gonna die some day, and so are you. And nobody's going to remember you. And even if they did, you'd still be dead. It's all so pointless. You might as well be dead now.

Nihilism 2: You don't have two cows.

Norway: You have two cows. You cannot sell the milk because of government milk quotas. Winter comes, and the cows freeze to death. The government does nothing.

Objectivism: It is your rational self-interest to possess as many cows as you can, and trade freely the goods they produce without any form of coercion applied unto you or other members of the society. Should an altruist, mystic government dare to control your cows, Shrug and go on strike.

Objectivism 2: You have two cows, your neighbors kill them out of spite.

Optimism: You have two bulls. You're looking forward to all the fresh milk.

P2P: twocows.zip md5:5d67ae9153dbdccf60acc9f41b7d905e

Perestroika: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Russian Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

Pinochetism: You had two cows. They got taken away by the socialists and given to people who had no idea what they were doing. Milk becomes scarce and the USA prevents you from buying more. Then the military shoots the socialists and confiscates the cows with the help of the USA, who gets the rights to the most lucrative cows. Now there is milk, but you don't have the money to buy it.

Poland: You have two cows. Local politicians discover that one of your cows is gay and makes a big public scene about it. No one buys your sinful milk.

Politicow Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unpecified gender and sexual orientation.

Post-modernism: You have two cows,... and perhaps the lack of a solution to the issue proves that this is the only logical answer.... or maybe not.

Pre-discovered America: What's a cow?

Prostitution: You have two cows. Nobody is going to buy them if you give the milk away for free.

Playboyism: Milk is a commodity you can get anywhere. Who needs to actually buy the cows?

Pure Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Pure Communism: You don't have cows. Your commune has two cows, and everyone shares them. You go home after work every day, content that you live in a classless society.

Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. Everyone works together to take care of all of the cows. The milk is equally distributed among you all.

Putridism: You have two cows. They share a cup and...

Puzzle Pirates: You work really hard, pillaging for days, defeating brigands and barbarians, to earn two cows. You trade one of them for 5 dubloons. You spend the 5 dubloons and the other cow to buy a milk pail. You cannot move it around too much or it will disappear.

Quebec: Vous avez deux vaches. You have two cows.

Reaganism: Your two cows are a threat to the American way of life, we must go to war with them.

Reaganism 2: The milk of your two cows will trickle down to the poor.

Republic: You have two cows. You vote for a representative who promises to vote for you to get the milk, but somehow the milk gets lost once it reaches the representative.

Skepticism: You have two cows but require proof.

Schizophrenia: We have two cows and so do I.

Social Liberalism: You have two cows, you're part of the "lucky 1% who won life's lottery" and as soon as we get some "real Democrats" elected, you'll have to share your cows. Any day now.....hang on.....next election for sure!....okay, the NEXT one, really for sure!

Soylent: SOYLENT GREEN is TWO COWS!

Stonerism: Woah... Cows...

Stonerism 2: Dude..... You have two cows.... We should smoke one and eat the other when we get the munchies man.....

Stalinism: Two cows in one country. You make a five year plan. You achieve your goals in three years. Ten million cows died.

Stalinism 2: You had two cows.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Surrealism 2: You have two aardvarks. The government paints one green and requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Surrealism 3: You have two melting clocks. Your oversized comb screams.

Surrealism 4: You had two platypi. The government took them away because your harmonica lessons made your oversized comb scream. Then you found a penny and became rich.

Surrealism 5: You have two pig-melons. The government forces you to take up ballroom dancing as a living.

Surrealism 6: You have two emus. The Government forces you to pay for their harmonica lessons.

Technocracy: You have two cows, but nearly everything is controlled by A.I so you turn them into beef (Mmm, tasty!).

Thatcherism: You have two cows. Your leader goes to war with the Falklands. Neither of your cows like her. None of the comedians likes her either.

Thatcherism 2: You have two cows. The Prime Minister decides to introduce a new cow tax which is the same for everyone in your village, regardless of how rich or poor they are. You riot in Trafalgar Square. Unless you're Scottish, in which case you just don't bother paying up. The Prime Minister resigns.

Theocracy: You have two cows. You may only milk them every third Sunday, or be stoned to death by the other cow owners. You must brush them from left to right, or be stoned. If you do not milk the cows, you are also stoned to death. Failure to participate in stoning is grounds for stoning.

Theocracy (Hindu): You have two cows. You worship them.

Terrorist: You have two cows. You strap bombs to them, and send them to the nearest embassy in order to further your agenda.

Third World Globalized "Democracy": Ten years ago, your village had two cows. One cow died from dehydration after Bechtel built a hydroelectric dam upstream. The other was sold to pay your debt to the World Bank for building the dam. After you threw stones at the dam employees in protest, a death squad shot you and your family for being communists.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. You go to prison.

Totalitarianism 2: You have two cows. You're shot, and the cows are tortured until they love Big Brother. Also, everyone speaks in a weird abbreviated language. Your cows don't even go "moo". They just sorta go "m".

Tychism: Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect two cows.

Democratic Cows: You have two cows. Your neighbor has no cows. You have to sell a cow to pay the egregiously high taxes to get your neighbor a cow, but when your neighbor gets the cow, he too has to sell his cow to pay for giving you your second cow.

Racism: You have two cows. The white cow sends the black cow into his own paddock and establishes apartheid.

Realism: Come on! Unless you happen to live on a dairy farm, you actually don't own any cows!

Republican Cows: You have two cows. Your neighbor has three cows, and you can't have fewer cows than your neighbor, so you get the government to lower your taxes so that you can afford the additional cow. However, your neighbor now has lower taxes too, so he gets a fourth cow. You keep getting the government to lower taxes until you and your neighbor both have a huge herd of cows. Meanwhile, the government goes bankrupt, hyperinflation occurs, and all of your cows become worthless.

Republican Cows 2: You have 2 cows. One of the cows convinces you that if you stop milking her, you'll end up with 3 times the milk. When it fails, she blames congress for not cutting milk consumption.

Roman Republic (SPQR): You have two cows. Your two cows have been elected Consuls for this year, and lead armies to foreign lands to subjugate barbarians. Next year, someone else's two cows will be elected as Consuls.

Roman Republic (SPQR) 2: You had two cows. The Romans took them away, along with half of the population as slaves. You find yourself working for an obscenely rich man in Capua, as his slave. He won't shut up, and keeps on preaching about "the Republic" and "Freedom" and "Wars against Tyranny".

Roman Empire: You have two cows. You pay so much money in taxes for them that you are forced to return them to the state. You rise in rebellion, and are promptly captured, tortured, and crucified.

Roman Empire under Emperor Caligula: You have two cows. They're mates with this horse whose nutty owner has made him a Consul.

Roman Empire, Province of Judea: You have two cows. A very holy man asks you to leave them, and tells you that you can become milkers of men.

Romanticism: You have two beautiful, majestic, elegant, bovine companions. You think about them daily.

Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You count them and find you have 10 cows. You count them again and find you have 7 cows. You count them again and find you have 2 cows. You decide to stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Exo-Politics: When 2 cows fill the skies will our leaders tell us why?

Uncyclopedia: You have two cows. Paint the cows pink, take pictures and submit an article about Hot Pink Cows in California.

Vallyism: You have, like, two cows and like, so do I, so like, they spend all day on their cell phones calling other, like cows.

Utopia: You have two cows, and everyone including the cows is happy. All the time.

Wales: You have two sheep.

Wigan: You have two cows. They are the best looking females around.

Wigan Athletic: You have two cows, they are your seasons average attendance.

Wigan Warriors: You have thirteen cows, plus four on the subs bench. You realise too late that cows cannot play Rugby. You sell the cows to various other Rugby league clubs and import Australian cows instead. The Australian cows cannot play Rugby either. You shoot the cows and wonder how Celtic Crusaders beat you

Wikipedia: You have two cows.^{[citation needed]} Analyze the cows submit facts about them.

Wikipedia 2: You have two cows. You replace one with a better cow, but then an administrator bans you for "vandalism" because the original cow used to be his.

Windows Vista: You have two cows and a bull. You try to breed them - Are you sure you want to breed them? Yes. Are you sure you're sure? Yes. - But you can't breed them due to copyright protection devices implanted in them at birth. Some kids infect them with a virus and they die.

With guns: You have two cows, they write A clever song that states their terms of rebellion and one of them becomes some sort of guru. they becmoe armed in the middle of the night and eventually all beef consumers are killed through a massive revolutionary warbetween man and cow caused by the idea that cows were treated unjustly when they were brutally slaughtered to feed the human race. the two cows you had are now world leaders and you, the lowly farmer at the begining of this whole mess, are hung for ever imprisoning two cows in the first place. (google cows with guns youll get it)

Worms 1: You have an airstrike.

Worms 2: You have a concrete donkey.

Worms 3: You have three explosive (mad) cows.

Worms 3: You have just one cow. It is a super cow and can fly around the map, exploding when it runs into things.

Year Zeroism: You don't have two cows.Cows don't exist anymore, even though the government tells you that there are loads of them in some place nobody knows about. You still buy the milk, which is in fact coloured water with parepin and th... OMG you see the Presence and you run to your computer and write in forums about it.

Yodaism: Two cows you have, hmmm?

Yu Gi Oh: The Abridged Series: Attention Deulists: You have two cows... In America!

Zero-growth: You have two cows. The government neuters/spays them both.

Zimbabwe: You have a hundred trillion cows, but together they only make as much milk as a single American cow.

Zoomorphism: You have two cows. One of them could be Jesus in cow form.

Veganism: You have two cows, and choose not to exploit them. Everyone is happy, including the cows.

Familysm: You have two cows, one is from your dad and the other is a fake...!

Uncyclopedia presents: the You have two cows anthology!
	Analysis Anime Bovine Quotes Cowmedy Emootions Endings Famous Cows Groups This cow does not exist In the Moos Language of Cows Literature Moosical Moovements Moovies Non-Video Games People Politicowl Junk Programming Languages Religion Software 'n Such Sound of Moo-sic Television Travel Video Games Vol. 2 Vol. 3 World and Web of Cows You Have `n` Cows Science Moodicine Game Consoles Game Genres Capitalism
“Two cows, you have.” ~ Yoda on You have two cows

You have two cows/17

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