Silvio Berlusconi

“If you think I was bad think about the the American guy.”

~ Silvio Berlusconi

Silvio after a facelift.

Silvio "Wallet of God" Berlusconi (29 September 1936 – 12 June 2023) ("The Knight") in Italy known as the eighth dwarf, Psychodwarf, Asphalt head, The Godfather or His Emittance, was born in Bling-Bunga in Milan. He was also known in Italy as Psycho-Dwarf, Dorian Gray and Truffolo (translates as "scam-dwarf") due to his contained size and his psychopathic obsessed attitude towards height, age and money. He liked getting bombs in his basement's house because he considers them a gift from some mafia mobsters. These bombs never explode, though, or they only explode when Silvio isn't around. And when they explode, he knows they are never set up to kill him, because he's one of Marcello Dell'Utri's best friends. In his spare time it has been widely know that he enjoys the following; underage sex, mass orgies, being fed grapes by call girls, organised crime, denying organised crime, Satanic prayer and most often Freemason related duties that only serve to increase the gap between the new world order and what Berlusconi likes to call "The un-sexy cattle to which we must pretend to serve".

Berlusconi earned his first bucks as a professional basketball and volleyball player prior to becoming the goalkeeper of AC Milan football club, not to mention his long run as a piano player and singer on cruise ships. Most of his fans insist that he should have sticked to a musical career, supported by the success of his folk composition aired all the time on all major Italian radio stations (which, coincidentally, he owns).

Thanks to the huge amount of money made with his hard work,Berlusconi created a dozen new TV stations and bought all the existing newspapers; since he was already the richest man in Italy he didn't buy all these to become richer, but to inform the Italian population about the angry mutant alien communists and their weird evil theory, called freedom of speech.

During a speech at the end of November 2006, many people claim he died and resurrected. Got fucked by the parliament and they finally fired his ass. Berlusconi officially died in June 2023 but will be buried in an open casket so everyone can check he is really dead.

Political life

What was the reason? Well, this.

The best-loved Italian Prime Minister of the last 150 years.

Silvio Berlusconi entered politics to save HIS country (he owns it) from the mutant alien communists from outer space, the proof that this is true is that there is no current communist tyranny ongoing in Italy. He created his own party known as Forza Ferrari. He doesn't like power, money and the like since he thinks he should have retired since long and sit all day long in a park bench feeding pigeons and the poor with crumbs. Silvio Berlusconi, after winning against communist enemy Walter Veltroni, is actually AGAIN Italy's Prime Minister with his friends from Lega Nord, famous for their erections. Veltroni, though, denies having lost. He also denies having been a communist ever. He worked on denying his own existance. Berlusconi was quite pleased with having such an opposition. "Veltroni's opposition is comfy as the couches I have in my pied-a-terre", Silvio reportedly said.

Silvio Berlusconi had very selective criteria he used to choose his ministers. Reported from a judiciary wiretapping, current minister and former Mediaset showgirl Mara Carfagna recently had to remind Don Silvio of these standards: "Silvio, you must not nominate minister this guy, because he touched my ass and my ass belongs to you and you alone!".

The criterion used to choose her was a simple well-done blow job, anyway (From her to him, just to be clear).

Berlusconi, upon his comeback to power in 2008, had the Parliament pass a bye-law (called "Lodo Alfano") stating that the Prime Minister cannot be indicted or prosecuted. The President of The Republic, Giorgio O'Nnapulitano, obliged and ratified that law on the condition that he'd be safe from prosecution, too. Berlusconi was now angry with the Parliament because they took too much time to pass that law (about three days), and is willing to curb the number of MPs. Devil-worshipping-baby-eating-communists maintain that Berlusconi wanted the "Lodo Alfano" so he cannot be tried in the Mills trial, or for dating a then-underage girl called Noemi Letizia - who very likely is daughter to a camorrista.

EU Monarchy

Silvio Berlusconi or Barack Obama? Clearly Berlusconi, Obama is whiter.

He had to take the cumbersome role of king of the EU for a while to protect Italy from kapos and other extraterrestrial menaces to the nation. Stuck in an environment that soon proved to be too serious for him, he quickly became popular in the European political environment for his well measured comebacks and polite, intelligent jokes.

Miracles

Besides the well-known "Miracolo Italiano" (Italian Miracle), the God-blessing benevolence can be seen also in the quantity of hair that every day grow on the head of his holiness Mister Citizen Berlusconi. One hair for devil. Skeptics and bloodthirsty baby-eating communists claim that he instead robbed Pinocchio of his hair and had it transplanted to his own head, after gangraping him together with notorious mobster Marcello Dell'Utri and the current minister Mara Carfagna.

International Politics

Aaaaaah, the friendship

He was close friend of George W Bush and Tony Blair solely for the reason that all their family names start with a capital "B", indeed they first heard of each other browsing the phonebook looking for pen pals. He thought he could do the same with Vladimor Putin, before realizing that "Putin" begins with "P" and not "B"; he blames this error to a sneak attack of bloodthirsty intellectual commies against the freedom of alphabet.

Bunga Bunga

Berlusconi was notorious for his 'bunga bunga' parties featuring a lot of young women being made sexually available for powerful men. It's possible that his method of blackmail was followed by Jeffrey Epstein with his methods of seducing the rich and powerful. Yet unlike Epstein Berlusconi treated the entire issue as 'normal' and largely got away with it. However in 2014 the old goat made a mistake when he got entangled with Ruby Rubacuori or 'Ruby the Heart Stealer'. Berlusconi was convicted of sex with an underage woman. This started a long running dispute that eventually saw Berlusconi 'cleared' in 2023.

AC Milan

AC Milan was Berlusconi's private modeling agency who specializes in turning around the careers of washed-up aging soccer players by introducing them to the fashion world. They are not pirates. Berlusconi's involvement with the team is a total conflict of interest but he seems to forget that seeing as he also owns three television channels. This would not be a big deal if the other three television channels (yes, there are six television channels in his country. Please do not be surprised. This is Italy after all) were not owned by the government. Seeing as Berlusconi is the government, he effectively controlled the country's media. And with AC Milan, he now exerts a major influence on Italy's only exportable good: The Fashion industry. It is with actions like these that Berlusconi is slowly becoming the sole proprietor of anything and everything in Italy. What a country.

Death

Berlusconi was happy when a true fascist Giorgia Meloni became Prime Minister of Italy in October 2022. No more pretending. Mussolini had been revenged for his death in April 1945 and hanging upside down in a Milan garage. Berlusconi's party Forza Bunga supported Meloni. He had employed her in one of his previous governments and said 'if she had been younger, she would have been mine'. Berlusconi later denied he had said this.

In June Berlusconi died. Expect a full state funeral for the old rogue.

Literature

• Silvio Berlusconi: 1000 Jokes About Earthquakes And Niggers, Editrice Fanfarone, 2009