ThunderCats
“Lion-O , what are you doing? Snarf, snarf.”
“Oh, hey uh... you wanna go get wasted?”
“For the last f*cking time, my name is NOT Lionel.”
Thundercats was a nonexistent, fictional television show first mentioned in L. Ron Hubbard's first letter to the Corinthians, in which it was used quite cleverly as a metaphor for the struggle between atheism and Kapitolism in the society of the day. The show was brought later to a greater amount of fame when referenced famously in the movie James Bond: The Spy Who Hated My Guts -- unreleased in the USA but regarded to this day as a cult sensation in the far more amicable country of Portugal. Those who reminisce nostalgically about their memories of this show are huge, fat liars, as, as previously stated, the show never existed. In the case of repeated encounters with such odd folk, it is recommended by most that the authorities be called, for they've recently begun to crack down on the clinically insane in communities such as yours, and they can certainly use all the help they can get.
The so-called Thundercats, as the story goes, are a ragtag band of homeless, dirt-poor furry freaks lost in the confines of the urban jungle of the United States of America. In events before the show's main canonical story, the Cats (as the hip kidz called them, went through a series of job interviews, most of which sent them miserably packing. As it's believed, however, they did end up working in several fast-food restaurants and post offices here and there, under the watchful eye of bosses such as Noel Coward, ∩, and lastly Alfred J. Kwak. Then, after a luckily received nomination for the most out-of-contest phrases, the Cats struck it big with a five-thousand dollar cash prize. They spent this all in the one-off purchase of the world's first commercial spaceship, and though dirt-poor once more, they then had the means to leave their American birthplace and travel to a friendlier place -- Smolensk, Russia. Nowadays, their primary concern seems limited to the resurrection of Mumm-Ra ("The Ever LIVINNNG!"). On another note, the Cats have also recently discovered the truth of their existence with a disease medically known as lackofnipplosis -- a condition in which one's nipples drop off shortly after birth.
ThunderCats is often regarded as a fan-produced sequel to the low-budgeted but nonetheless well-received musical, Cats.
The ThunderCats[edit]
The main characters featured through the series are these malicious urban warriors. Hailing from the USA, they come to Russia with the intent of sapping it of its resources and making it their domain. This has led to their ongoing clash with Mumm-Ra, but aside from this, they're generally well-accepted folk. Though appearing at first to be friendly and good-natured, their sinister purpose is soon revealed -- a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than this bunch is a rare sight indeed.
Lion-O[edit]
The Lord and Generalissimo, as he prefers to be called, Lion-O is the leader of the bunch due to the fact that he can spit the farthest and that he is capable of reciting the most Blackadder quotes in one sitting. Also, conveniently, he wields the mystical Sword of Omens, a rock hard, rigid, powerful sword of great strength, capable of growing three times its size. This sword has been revered for centuries by the American public and is considered often to be one of the many factors behind Helen Keller's death.
Also, Lion-O swears he isn't making up for anything.
Panthro[edit]
Much like Tom Petty, Panthro is a man of few words, but his mechanical wizardry and engineering expertise knows no bounds, and neither does his masochist addiction to Tygra's whip. His tanks are specially designed to grow many times their original size so as to subjugate the populace (read: run them over like fucking ants) -- a controversial method of crowd control used famously at the so-called "Second Woodstock" in Queens, New York. It is due to the legends surrounding this event that brave men tremble before him to this day. His foreboding yet unmistakably gaudy castle, which he built during his off-time as a hobby of sorts, has brought in reverence to his name as well -- it's made the cover page in Home Improvement magazine several times over. But even still, he'd better not catch you standing up peeing.
Recently, it has been revealed that Panthro is the mutant offspring of the black American populace, especially the likes of Bill Cosby. Zip zop, bobbedity bop!
Tygra[edit]
The bondage queen of the ThunderCats. Her bolo whip, which has the power to grow and shrink indefinitely (as do her breasts), allows her to beat the meat of any of the puny Third Earth natives, such as the Berbils (who, in turn, chose recently to side with the ThunderCats out of fear for their safety). She's also a sadist, in that she often refuses to grant Panthro's desires for her bolo whip.
Cheetara[edit]
One of the only two women of the team, being that they're apparently in short supply on Krypton (Further reading: Mars Needs Women). She is the intelligence expert of the ThunderCats -- or so she claims, as no one truly believes her about that or anything else, for that matter. Her specialty weapon is the staff, which she claims to be an expert at handling. Unfortunately for her, though, she's quite the hopeless romantic, due to her lack of a second leg and the Legend of Zelda T-shirts that she seems to be so prone to wearing. She claims she isn't hiding anything, but unsurprisingly enough, none of the male ThunderCats seem interested in dating her.
Wily-Kat[edit]
The twin brother of Wily-Kit, he don't do shit.
Wily-Kit[edit]
The twin sister of Wily-Kat, she don't do shit either. It's well known within the ranks that despite her age she has slept with every member, EVERY MEMBER.
Lynx-O[edit]
Old, blind bastard. Serves virtually no purpose other than hanging out headquarters and boring the others with anecdotes and smelling like urine and Ben-Gay. His weapon is no longer capable of growing many times it's original size.
Testicular[edit]
The ThunderCat nobody really talks about...
Pumyra[edit]
The only confirmed ThunderBroad. Routinely sold and traded amongst the male ThunderCats for cigarettes, being fresh meat, and all. Definitely female, she has no need to prove her masculinity with a weapon, yet is known to help the other Cat's weapons grow many times their original size.
Bengali[edit]
A blacksmith, he serves as Panthro's right hand, and sometimes his left on those lonely nights, but it's really more of a power based, prison-like relationship. It's his constant supply of viagra bought off the internet that allows the ThunderCats weapons to grow many times their original size.
Jaga[edit]
Obi-Wan Kenobi. Seriously.
Snarf[edit]
Servant to Lion-O, he's an extremely annoying, yellow-bellied pussy. Kept around because his meek cowardice amuses Lion-O. Snarf is a distant relative of Snaf. Also has stiff competition with Pikachu, because we said so!
Snarfer[edit]
ALSO KNOWN AS TALON MICHAEL JAMES.
Snaf[edit]
Snarfs evil-twin pillow
Smurfette[edit]
TALONS BAD SIDE!!!
Oscar Wildcat-O[edit]
Oscar Wilde was a member of the ThunderCats for a brief time, joining them when he discovered a note from his father, Obi-Wan Kenobi, asking to take part in their quest for Mumm-Ra, but unfortunately, he was about to start his popular musical career. Speculation on his and Cheetara's mysterious relationship is talked about even to this day. Some say that his title track on the Big Bottm'd Boys' Once Twice, Three Times a Leopard Cat Woman is a reference to the relationship.
Bagpuss-O[edit]
Granted the moniker "The Mighty Stripey Beast" upon vanquishing the oppressive Estonian Bat-peoples when they threatened to hurl guava and pebbles at Splinter, the mentor and plumber of the Thundercats. Bagpuss-O was never allowed to have a weapon as he was the bitch and had to share with the other Thundercats.
Hello Kitty[edit]
Hello Kitty joined the Thundercats on a dare after a binge heroin experience with Wily-Kit. Though Wily-Kit chose to be sexed in to the gang, Hello Kitty earned the extra respect of being jumped in.
Garfield[edit]
Lasgna-eating, obese, orange Cat, often confused with Snarf. Was Huffed by Mummra who was fucked up good. (see Kitten Huffing) because the Orange Ones Fuck you Up Good!
Ren & Stimpy - O?[edit]
Introduced in the last episodes of the last ever series as an incredible way of using malevolent animated violence, rape and abuse to bring the end of the Thundercats universe. Was never aired due to the increasing suspicion that Ren was just a Nazi mosquito and Stimpy a gimp.
Peter Criss[edit]
Shortly after their arrival on 3rd Earth, Peter Criss left the group due to creative differences.
Nostalgia Critic[edit]
This short-tempered bastard is the main reason the Thundercats existed in the first place... And because we like him! Despite the fact that people say he isn't as useful as WilyKit and WilyKat, the Nostalgia Critic wouldn't give a shit or two about it, whilst making long-winded rants about Total Drama Island and how horrible the show is, in terms of writing and animation. He hates to be called Doug and has a deep, dark and overly retard-esque nature with the Angry Video Game Nerd. NC is infamously known for the following catchphrase: "GIMME A FACE, YA FUCKIN' BUNGHOLES!!!!!!!!"
Opponents[edit]
It wasn't all posturing on the castle wall and tight, oh so tight, spandex thongs for the Thundercats, not only where they busy oppressing the idiot monkey-people of the Third Earth, there were a group of vailant resistance fighters who sook seekeed tried to foil their plans.
Mumm-Ra[edit]
Mumm-Ra, or The Ancient One, or The Ever LIVIIIINNNG was one of Third Earth's native inhabitants, along with other such luminaries as the Berbils. This when the nefarious Thundercats arrived, claiming to be benevolent beings.
They immediately clashed, coming to blows over the lands of Third Earth when Muff-Ra objected to their presence. Thus, the ThunderCats unleashed their fury, quickly gaining many allies in the process, mainly out of fear of the ThunderCats.
He got laid by talon Michael James on National AIDS day.
Ma-Mutt[edit]
Though many Ma-Mutts have existed, a number of them having been killed by the ThunderCats' oppressive Thunder Tanks, they have proven to be a lifelong natural adversary of the ThunderCats. One past Ma-Mutt is thought to have been comprised of Stedman Graham and a dead bulldog. Stedman had refused to marry Oprah time and time again, due to her objection to letting a playa play. Finally, he was imprisoned, but escaped from New York in spectacular fashion.
Eventually, fearing for his life due to a curse on his soul and a bounty on his head, as published in the propaganda magazine O, he came across Mumm-Ra. The Ancient One then took him in and agreed to put him in hiding as one of the Ma-Mutts.
However, he was eventually captured and killed, and a new Ma-Mutt took his place, thought to a mix of a captured Snarfer and a dachshund found in an alley.
The Mutants[edit]
Of great concern for the ThunderCats are The Mutants, a band of crafty, in no way stupid, bungling warriors who have hounded the ThunderCats ever since they escaped from their home planet. Routinely in the employ of Mumm-Ra, they typically consist of Slythe, Monkian, Spiderman, Jackalman, Vultureman, Batman, The Blob, Toad, and Avalanche, and all those other mutants who weren't cool enough to be X-men.
The Berserkers[edit]
A shady band of greedy missionaries (and no, we did not mean mercenaries) who in their early years gave up their children and their genitals to Muff-Ra in exchange for mechanical arms, legs, pelvises, etc. With these metal anatomical weapons, they rove the seas virtually unchallenged, searching for people to castrate. To remain consistent with their career title, they leave Gideon Bibles in their victim's ball-free underwear, all the while chanting "Jesus loves you anywaaaay". The gang is led by the infamous Captain Hammerhand.
Captain Hammerhand[edit]
The leader of the Berserkers, this crafty charlatan, in addition to owning a metal arm, is equipped with some GIGANTIC metal man-junk (often referred to by his crew as "Real Pirate Junk" or "The Vaj-Shatter"). With this impressive mechanical combo, the Captain never ceases to amaze his men with the fourth-of-july-esk shower of sparks that result from his attempt to compensate for his lack of sexual action on the open seas. Being a pirate is tough, matey.
Adolf Hitler[edit]
The Chancellor of Germany, who wanted to exterminate the Thundercats for being Jewish. On April 30, 1945, Hitler and Lion-o battle each other hand-to-hand in Berlin. The winner of the battle was left up to the audience......They chose Hitler
The 1990's[edit]
Lawlessnes, over-indulgence and ego-trippin' from the previous decade, the 90's prove to be down fall of all the Thundercats (and everyone one 3rd earth). Never to be scene again until years later with cameo appearances on Robot Chicken.
Kaptainskye[edit]
Sick and tired of his usual business of sending catgirls to his many death camps across the universe, Kaptainskye one day decided that he wanted to go for some bigger game- bigger game with incredibly large muscles and huge-ass swords. One of the most terrifying villains the Thundercats have faced thus far, he was finally vanquished when he got bored and left.
The Angry Video Game Nerd[edit]
Muff-Ra once kidnapped a gay little kid, who at the time received his first Super Nintendo, because the former realized that this magical device would be capable of killing off the Thundercats. With his shit pie, Muff-Ra turned this little boy into the Angry Video Game Nerd, who has a tendency to rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear than anything else. In secret, AVGN has a very small penis that is as powerful as Barack Obama's constant usage of bitching... In other words, IT'S OVER 9,000!!!!!!!!!
Third Earth[edit]
Third Earth is filled with stuff. Like... think of a thing. Not that. Make it something fantasy or sci-fi esque. There you go - either that thing exists somewhere on Third Earth or (alternatively) it exists on board a space ship that is going to crash land on Third Earth. Unless you were actually thinking of a space ship, in which case, it's going to crash land on Third Earth.
This genius 'Everything' world-design makes writing Thundercats a total cinch - no need for characterisation or plot, just have the cats stumble over some ill-thought out bizzaro shit each episode. They can then spend the first half of the episode working out what the hell they're dealing with, and the second half either beating it up or befriending it. Often both. Easy. Next!
See: Unicorns, Humanoid Robots, Tiny Lilliput People, Clichéd Samurai Warriors, Evil Egyptian Goddesses, Spongefog!!!, Giant Monster Sharks with Spider Legs that Stick Out of their Bodies for No Discernible Purpose
The Battle for Third Earth[edit]
As The GI Joe-Transformers War raged on, another war was brewing, that of the Thunderians and rogue Third Earthians versus Mumm-Ra and his allies. Attempts at diplomacy were a failure, thus war was brought. Though discussions of an alliance with the parties in The GI Joe-Transformers War was bandied about on all sides, no one really wanted to be associated with furries.
Thundercats: Sci-Fi or Fantasy?[edit]
Over the many years that Thundercats has been aired across our television screens, a war has raged between two factions of its greatest fans- those who declare the series fantasy, and those who object to previously stated and call it a science fiction story. The war has been going on ever since the first episode was released, and has not stopped since. Both sides of this great battle have a backing to their claim, leaving the two sides locked in a hopeless stalemate.
It's Sci-Fi![edit]
Third Earth, the planet on which the story takes place, has many strange technologies, some of which are more powerful than what we've got here on First Earth. For one, they seem to have Arwings, huge tanks, and laser cannons; not to mention robotic bears. They've also got floating cities and the like.
It's Fantasy![edit]
But yet, even with all these technologies, the Thundercats run into battle with armor and swords. Why? You'd think that Lion-O should be using a lightsaber, or at least a decent laser gun. But no. It is also notable that these cat people also build their houses in the style of the Middle Ages, when they should be well on their way to building this, or perhaps even this. All their power is drawn from "mystic stones", and they talk about a good bow and arrow like it's the latest technological advancement. All this while they've got frickin' Arwings.
Could it perhaps be... both?[edit]
The truth is, in fact, that Thundercats is actually a well-blended mix of sci-fi and fantasy, similar to SuperSkye (which also involved a planet called Third Earth). Were the warring parties to simply acknowledge this, there would be no war. But, unfortunately, they will not. They will never acknowledge this.
Is it anime?[edit]
Yet another war between Thundercats-oriented opinions is the question as to whether Thundercats is a true anime. However, no one really cares about this. People only have this kind of a discussion about Avatar: The Last Airbender, because it's American.
Samoflange[edit]
No one knows what the fuck it is yet. Some think it to be a secret doomsday weapon created by the ThunderCats utilizing Kryptonian (ok, let's do this once more: Thu-N-dera, come on, everyone say it with me!) techonology in an attempt to turn the war, while skeptics think it to be complete bull. A new theory is that it is a device that will open a portal to the World of Warcraft, hence every inhabitant of Azeroth seeks to disable the Samoflange to keep the ThunderCats from allying with The Burning Crusade and enslaving them all.
What is known is that you should keep your feet off of it.