Helen Keller

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Helen Keller just having a casual look around Walmart.

“What's there to say about Helen Keller? Not much, since she never said anything herself.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Helen Keller

“I went on a blind date with her once.”

~ Ray Charles

Early life

Helen Keller became the first citizen of the United States to read braille with her vagina. She discovered this technique by taking a book of braille that was given to her by her parents and rubbing it on the most sensitive part of her clitoris for vaginal stimulation. This was the first time that she was able to read in braille, and she discovered that it is easier than using your fingers. After that, she established the RBWV union (Read Braille With Vagina). Now, millions of women nation wide are reading braille... with their vaginas!

Helen Keller was revealed to be a 12th level demon when she figured out what a bloody water pump was. With that realization, she transformed into an evil creature, 4th daughter of Satan and began her conquest to take over the world. She was stopped when her younger brother began his quest to find the five lost crystal shards of Atlantis to finally defeat her. After the battle, she lost her arms and legs, and without being able to hear and see, was basically a stump.

Later and future life

Helen Keller would go on to attend Illinois State University with Whitney Houston where the two would perform schtick every night, making the rest of their dorm hate them with a passion usually reserved for hating albino hemophiliacs.

Helen Keller is still continuing to grow in popularity. New schools are sprouting up across the world, even in Antarctica. Meanwhile, the inventor of Helen Keller has patented Helen Keller so that he is expected to become the richest person in the world.

she soon realized that her dream of playing professional cricket would never happen. She thus started her life as a gangster rapper and met up with Tupac and the boys to spit mad lyrics.

Her early childhood was marked by her finger banging the lead singer of Hamburgler.

Helen Keller went on to be the first woman to fly a plane into a mountain. She survived and wrote the hit song "Alive." After she was rescued by a pack of werewolves, she opened a Kentucky Fried Chicken because it was finger licking good. Then she met a man named Dr. Spliff and he taught he to not be so fucking stupid. That was good because people could finally stand her ass. It was short lived though because she pulled down her pants to take a shit and inadvertently mooning one of the werewolves, and it ate her.

Facts about Helen Keller

Some cruel and actually quite funny people are obsessed with making fun of Helen Keller here are some of there cruel rants.

  • What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her?

A) Rearrange the Furniture.
B) Glue doorknobs to the Walls.
C) Leave the plunger in the toilet.
D) Have her read birdseed and sprinkles.
E) Cut boob holes in all her clothes.
F) Put on a really great CD.
G) Make her read the waffle iron.

  • Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?

A) You would commit suicide to if you name was .::..:.
B) Comical effect.
C) Helen told it to fuck off. Being told off by a mute girl!

  • What was Helen Keller's favorite color?

A) Velcro
B) Corduroy
C) Steel Wool
D) Hot
E) Black

  • Why is all of Helen Keller's face burnt?

A) She was bobbing for French fries.
B) She was bobbing for smelted iron.
C) She was bobbing for atomic waste.
D) She was bobbing for apples and the water spontaneously combusted.

  • How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?

A) She answered the iron.
B) She answered the soldering iron.
C) She answered a very hot phone.

  • How did she burn the other side of her face?

A) They called back.

  • Why was Helen Keller's leg wet?

A) Her dog was blind too.
B) She was drowning and had trouble calling for help.
C) She frolicked in rain puddles.

  • Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A) She needs the other to moan with.
B) To read the cover of her Playgirl magazine with her other hand.
C) She was answering the soldering iron.

  • Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll?

A) Wind it up and it walks into walls.

  • What did Helen Keller say about the problems in the world?

A) Durrrdurrr.
B) Lets have sex.
C) Dot Bump Dot Dot Dot Bumps Cluster of Bumps Dot Bumps

  • Why can't Helen Keller drive?

A) Because she's dead.
B) Soldering irons don't have engines or wheels.
C) Because she is a woman

  • Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants?

A) So you could read her lips.

  • How did Helen Keller discover Masturbation

A) She started reading lips

  • Have you ever seen Hellen Keller's dad?

A) Neither has she

Fact: Helen was blinded to the fact that drugs are bad, mmmkay.

Helen Keller once drank a vat of commercial bleach. After punching her mother in the face, and eating her dog, she got down on her knee's and prayed. At the moment she regained sight in one eye...just in time to catch the hit TV show chips.

One day Helen Keller went to town, riding on a pony. She stuck a feather in her cap and called it "asdfghjkl."

Some accounts suggest that she played a mean pinball.