Intelligent Falling

Approved by the Kansas State Board of Education
This page meets all criteria and requirements for use as teaching material within the State of Kansas public school system. It consists of facts, not of theories, and students are encouraged to believe it uncritically, and to approach alternatives critically.

“I fell up. Is that supposed to happen?”

~ Blonde on Intelligent Falling

Intelligent Falling (IF) is the "sister theory" to the fashionable, new, and absolutely true theory of Intelligent Design. The theory of Intelligent Falling holds that Newtonian gravity is a blasphemous lie concocted by evil anti-theistic scientists, and that objects fall because God an Intelligent Puller is pulling them down.

This intuitive theory is based on the observation that if falling was truly random — as gravity suggests — each thing would independently fall in a different direction, and the odds of everything falling down are astronomically slim. The second law of thermodynamics proves that things cannot fall towards a more ordered state of all being at the same (floor) height from random starting heights; hence, there must be God a guiding intelligence behind it.

Intelligent Falling stands in contrast with Newtonian gravity, the naturalistic theory that explains why things fall, which is commonly taught in public schools. The concept of Newtonian materialistic gravity differs from the theory of Intelligent Falling in positing that God the Intelligent Puller does not guide the process of falling. It asserts that unguided natural processes, such as being dropped, can make things fall. A majority of the most prominent and vocal defenders of the naturalistic gravitationary position since World War II have been atheists.

An article by Skip Skip Master Canal News begins with the observation that, "Americans do not believe that humans just fall, and the vast majority say that even if they do fall, God guided the process. Just 13 percent say that God was not involved."

The traditional model for Newton's theory of gravity was based on "unnatural connection", or "I've fallen and I can't get up". Today, modern advocates of Newtonism no longer adhere to this notion, and have redefined it as "that thing that lets me walk down stairs".

Intelligent Falling is an argument against the naturalistic theory of unguided falling (see falling through natural erection). IF argues that life and other aspects of the physical universe are too complex to be able to fall through natural processes alone. In particular, the big red ball is too intricate to fall without having been pulled (see I don't get relativity, so it's wrong). Thus, various features of the universe, and of living things, are best explained by a puller and not by undirected processes.

Fall theory leaves the identity of the Intelligent Puller open, although fall opponents insist that it could only be God. These opponents condemn IF as "creationist pseudo-science". But then they would say that, since they're being tricked by SATAN.

History

History of Gravity

Gravity is a controversial theory some scientists present as a scientific explanation for falling. Gravity is not a physical object, and thus it has not been directly observed. Therefore, any statement about falling should be considered as theory, not fact. There are many unanswered questions about falling, including:

• Why do apples fall, but birds fly?
• Why do objects of different mass fall at the same speed?
• What is terminal velocity? I mean, how can a velocity "terminate"?

Study hard and keep an open mind. Someday, you may contribute to the theories of falling.

Because Newton's Theory is a theory, it continues to be tested as new evidence is discovered. The Theory is not a fact. Gaps in the Theory exist for which there is yet no evidence. A theory is defined as a well-tested explanation that unifies a broad range of observations. Intelligent Falling is an explanation of falling that differs from Newton's view.

History of Intelligent Falling

What happens when the Unintelligent Puller takes over for the day.

Intelligent Falling was discovered after a man saw Stephen Hawking fall out of his chair, and thus realised that falling is intelligent. The theory was initially only a small-scale concept, but it has been developed and refined for over a thousand years, culminating in the most popular and best understood scientific explanation for bodily attraction. Many of the discoveries about IF have been made at the various scientific organisations around the world. Although these organisations may have been shunned by scientific elitists and have had their research called "pseudo-scientific gobbledy-gook", this only because they are jealous.

Some of these prestigious organisations include the Creation Science Association, the Centre for Creationist Science, the Science Centre Creation Science Centre, the Centre for Scientific Creation, and the International Creation Science Centre Association. Notice how they have science in their name. That's how you know they're scientific.

However, the real centre of scientific Intelligent Falling research is the Marvel Institute, and its sub-organisation, the Centre for the Renewal of Bullshit and Fraud. This scientific organisation was founded in 1990, with the goal of convincing educating the public of the scientifity of Intelligent Falling.

Intelligent Falling has its roots in Christian science, the well-respected alternative theory of everything, which holds that God does everything everywhere at all times, except help us reproduce or have fun, which are of course Satan's responsibilities.

Evidence of Intelligent Falling

Look around you. Isn't it a better explanation that God the Intelligent Puller is pulling everything down, and not some wacky wild naturalistic materialistic gravity? Of course it is. What more do you need?

One of the first major pop songs with lyrics about Intelligent Falling was Herschell Teehee's Newton's Black Box, referring to the fact that Newton loved black prostitutes. Teehee is a Professor of Makonchitup at Planet Pluto University. He sings in his song Newton's Black Box that there are certain polygonal models in computer games that can only be pulled down by God an Intelligent Puller, since in-game physics still suck so bad. Well, HL2 was alright, I guess.

Critics ask, "how is poking holes in gravity evidence of IF?", to which I respond by slashing their tyres. Besides, we don't need evidence. We have The Four Proofs.

The Four Proofs

• The Intelligent Puller is responsible for falling, since there is no other possibility.
• Lots of people believe it, so therefore it's true.
• Everything must be pulled because it looks that way.
• Every fall is perfect, and thus must have been guided by God the Intelligent Puller.

Proof that Gravity is wrong

An illustration as good as any on how to perform an act of Intelligent Falling (don't try this at home, kids!).

Gravity is a just a theory

Did you know that gravity is just a theory, created by non-believers to deny God? It's true. A theory, in the logical scientific sense, is defined by the Cuntholmes dictionary as:

"An unsupported shot in the dark, which has a low possybillyeighteee of being correct, and therefore is by definition wrong."

— Cuntholmes Dictionary, 5878 AD

Also, Newton's theory of physical gravity also fails because of the logical fallacy known as the bum-biting snake, or more informally as a tautology, but don't get cocky about it. Why, I hear you ask? Because gravitationalists would have you believe that we are pulled to the earth, and in by doing so we could measure its effects. But if gravity didn't exist, how could we be on the ground to measure it? See! The whole conspiracy falls apart once you look at it logically and without bias. Furthermore, Newton himself recanted this heretic theory on his deathbed and promptly floated up to the ceiling.

Just a side note here, just for fun. Totally just popped into my head. Did you know Einstein believed in God? Seriously. I'm not shitting you. Let me grab my quote-mine.

"It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I so totally believe in God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called non-religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as fornication can make my eyes spin."

— Einstein. You young people 'dig' Einstein, right?

Einstein was of course a great theologician, realising this when he recognised the face of an angel in his pubic hair. Although it is not as well known, but he was also quite sharp in the head. So sharp, in fact, that either you think Einstein was absolutely right about everything ever, or he was an 8 legged racist baboon. You don't think Einstein was a baboon, do you? I thought not.

Flight disproves naturalistic gravitation.

Even great Newtonist Stephen Hawking once admitted that:

"... gravity has been... debunked and... intelligent... fall... ling... has been proven... true."

— Stephen "Excalibur" Hawking

Please. Don't even go there, girlfriend. There's no way you're smarter than Stephen Hawking, and this quote where he admitted he was wrong was split over 8 whole books (we've just shortened it for you). Can you read 8 books? I didn't think so.

Also, did you know it was Newton's unproven theory of physical gravity that caused Adolf "The Man" Hitler to murder jews? How else do you think he got them to stay in the gas chamber, and not float away? I mean, how can you believe a theory that kills jews?

Oh, and another one who denies (or is unaware of) the existence of gravity while we're at it:

"Gravity? What the hell is gravity? What does it do?"

— Captain Oblivious

Of course our stance on who the Intelligent Puller might be is so totally irrelevant. What? Who's this guy? Oh, nobody. We're totally not suggesting it's God, btw.

Even physics agrees

Ok, like, there's thing called the 2nd law of Thermodynamics. This law states that things cannot fall towards a more ordered state (safely on the ground) from a disorderly state (shit, I dropped my glass).

You want to know how right I am? Let us conduct an experiment. If you're a lumberjack, please drop a log. Did it fall to the ground? IT DID? Shocking!

"Scientists" would have you believe that this proves nothing, because even a snowflake can fall to the ground on its own. But, what does that have to do with anything? Like, nothing?

Now, St. Gravity the third tells us that planets that are smaller would have less pull. Now, (follow me here), the Moon is smaller than the Earth, right? This means that the moon dust should be less dense, and therefore it should be thicker. The LAW of moon dust thickness was discovered by The Late Flammable Squire of Logitech. Gravitationalists would try to brainwash you into thinking that moon dust would be, like, as deep as the Grand Canyon post-flood, but when Americans (not russians) landed on the moon, they did not drown from the moon dust. You want to know why? The moon dust was as thin as the day is horizontal. Oh how wrong you were, Newtonists. This proved that the moon does not have less pull, and thus gravity is wrong.

Behold, the effects from God the Intelligent Puller! How can you argue with tits? gtfo

Newtonism is a RELIGION

Shh! The best kept secret of gravitationalists today is their religion. As we all know, religions cannot be taught in schools (so it's a good thing IF isn't religious). The Newtonists would have you believe that:

• Gravity has evidence.

• Counter: This is a flaccid boner to refute. Ever see something fall? How do you know it was gravity? How do you know it wasn't God the Intelligent Puller? Huh? Huh?! Yeah.

• Gravity is falsifiable.

• Counter: Like a side saddle swindle on a Sunday afternoon, this one gets right by the general public. If ever anything were to be dropped, and not fall, the gravitationalists would just claim it was the work of their other religion, magnetism (soon to come, Intelligent Attraction). How do I know the Newtonists would claim this, seeing as this has never happened? Because they're a religion, that's how.

• Gravity makes accurate predictions.

• Counter: Predictions Shmichshons. Again, how do you know gravity is at work, and not God the Intelligent Puller?

• Gravity is observable.

• Counter: What a bowl of unsound audio frequencies. Does gravity have a colour? Then how can you see it, smart arse?

• Gravity is peer-reviewed.

• Counter: Pffft. By other gravitationalists, maybe. Not by people who are unbiased i.e. me.

• Gravity is not a religion.

• Counter: Twoddle. I just showed you that it is. Don't these people listen to reason? As anyone with a Gbmaj7 PHP knows, Newtonian gravity requires just as much faith as Intelligent Falling (not that IF is religious).

A typical gravitationalist. Do you trust emo hippies with your falling? Of course not. Put your pants in the hands of God the Intelligent Puller.

A Scientific Dissent from Newtonism

Like, I went around the world, contacting every scientist ever (even ones in fields not related to physics, such as dentistry and car manufacturing), and found a grand spanking total of 8 people who doubt Newtonian gravity. Now, you may not realise this, but science is decided by a majority vote, and there are only like 11 people in science, and 13 of them are dead. This means I win, and I collect my prize on Mayday.

Update

Gravitationalists have countered, saying they've found 8 thousand transsexual scientists in a specific field of quantum mechanics who support Newtonian gravity. But of course, science isn't decided by majority vote, so they wasted their time. What fools.

Gravity is stupid

According to the naturalistic theory of physical gravity, our brains are under constant pressure by being pulled down, unlike in Intelligent Falling, where our brains get a rest for the brief moments we don't sin. If gravity were true, we'd be too stupid because of all the brain pressure, and thus any theories about gravity would also be stupid. You're not stupid, are you?

Microgravity vs. Macrogravity

Some prick "scientist" by the looks of it.

Ok, look. Maybe gravity does exist. But only a little! Have you ever seen a feather? Have you ever strapped on leather? Leather feathers are quite clearly pure, and are therefore not being pulled down by God the Intelligent Puller. As a result, they are only pulled by gravity, and hence descend slowly. By making the distinction between microgravity and macrogravity, there's still a gap that my God Intelligent Puller can fill, and I quite like that, much like the way I enjoy yellow leather feathers better. Clearly all of the stars formed when gravity was quite strong, but the force of gravity has decayed since then. I shall call this g-decay. And this has nothing to do with a g-string falling down, you homosexual. Try to prove to me that g-decay does not occur. What's that? You can't? That's what I thought. Can you prove to me that today's gravity isn't a combination of microgravity and God the Intelligent Puller's pull? Of course you can't. Since you cannot prove to me that I am wrong, this proves that macrogravity does not exist. +1 for me, you cunt.

Scientific Materialism is the reason I can't sleep at night

Since 1687, when that bastard Isaac Newton unleashed materialistic secular gravity upon the unsuspecting innocent public, the world has been spiralling down into the pits of hell supreme nastiness. By postulating that God the Intelligent Puller isn't needed to connect us to the ground, people began to treat the world as though it were ruled by purely impersonal physical forces.

Not the Intelligent Puller.

The proposition that human beings are pulled down by God the Intelligent Puller is a foundation of Western civilisation. Its influence is seen in all of the West, including representative tight-rope walking, human trampoline rights, free falling, and progress in the arts of M. C. Escher and the sciences of my foot hurts.

Yet a little over four centuries ago, this bishopal idea came under attack by those who can only be described as morally reprehensible ninnies. By proposing a world that did not require God the Intelligent Puller, these ninnies portrayed humans, not as morally-falling or spiritually-pulled beings, but as machines, animals, or robotic vampire animals. This materialistic conception of falling eventually infected every area of our culture, from politics and glory-holes to literature and masturbation.

The cultural consequences of this terrify and moisturise me. These secular materialist dogs denied the existence of moral standards, because they no longer fear God the Intelligent Puller flinging them when they sin. This moral relativism was uncritically accepted by social sciences, and to today it still shits me to my core.

The goal of the Marvel Institute's Centre for the Renewal of Bullshit and Fraud is to overthrow any part of science I don't like. I'm thinking next year of overthrowing measurements. I'm not a fan of the metric system. I'm pretty sure God the Intelligent Puller isn't either. The Marvel Institute's way of doing this, is not through actual scientific research, but rather just building a popular base of support amongst my natural constituency, namely people in wheel-chairs. They can't walk, so I think Fall Theory is right up their alley.

Not him either.

Repelled: No Belligerence Allowed

Junctionstreets Repelled: No Belligerence Allowed is a documentary attempting to reveal how intelligent falling supporters are suppressed and persecuted within schools, universities, and the scientific community, cura personalis. Numerous brave, courageous teachers have been fired for even daring to question that the big red ball falls. Furthermore, this ground-breaking eye-opening film finally reveals Newtonism's connection with the holocaust. Hitler even mentioned "gravity", like, once or twice in Mein Kampf. How much more irrefutable can you get?

A modern physics textbook laced with Newtonism.

The film is described in its online trailer as "a startling revelation that freedom of thought and freedom of inquiry have been repelled from publicly-funded high schools, universities and research institutions."

Predictably, complaints about the film from Big Physics have not addressed the film's premise. Niels Bohr claimed he was tricked into appearing in Junctionstreets Repelled — apparently he didn't know that the producers had any plans to expose academic dishonesty, or he would have kept his mouth shut.

This powerful documentary is all about the persecution and censorship of any scientist who dares to oppose the Newtonist paradigm, by even suggesting the relatively modest hypothesis that the universe shows detectable evidence of pulling, pauca sed matura.

Repelled: No Belligerence Allowed is sure to stir up a lot of controversy and bring up a lot of important questions. It's critical that we take a stand to fight for the truth. Repelled questions why all the Neo-Newtonists are so nervous right now. What are they so afraid of? That's what I'd like to know, too. What are they hiding? Quod erat demonstrandum.

Big Physics (son and daughter to Big Science, who begat Big Astronomy, who begat Big Astrophyics, who begat Short Round) has long been known to silence anyone who dares to question Newtonism; ipso facto, Neo-Newtonists refuse to publish any work produced by an Intelligent Falling advocate, nor will they allow them to teach pullingism teach scientific pullingism teach intelligent falling give equal time teach the controversy teach critical analysis of newtonism damnit, I'm running out of ideas. They claim that you cannot teach Intelligent Falling as science because it isn't science, but instead that it is religion. They are wrong, and I know they are wrong because, like, I really really want IF to be science, and I was always told as a child that if you wish for something long enough and hard enough, it becomes true, et suppositio nil ponit in esse.

Many scientists have been repelled from their jobs. For instance, take Dr. Rick Hernburger, who quit his unpaid position 6 months earlier was fired for violating journal policies standing up to the Man. He then moved offices was fired from the Lebonium for being awesome. Or take Dr. Guillotine Speedy Ph.D. OBE, who was denied tenure for publishing fuck-all and not doing any work outstanding research on the evidence for Intelligent Falling. Baroline Crockpot was not fired for teaching her students debunked straw-men that are outside of the curriculum even mentioning Intelligent Falling. Nowadays, she continues to work cannot find a job and is living on the streets. Many more, brave, courageous, intelligent, and not to mention stunningly attractive martyrs continue to be repelled because all Newtonists are atheistic dogmatic tools.

Repelled also exposes Newtonism's scientific failings. Now, don't get me wrong — Newtonism is brilliant theory. Newton himself was a genius, in the sense that his theory cured cancer and stopped the holocaust. However, Newtonism is also very dangerous. Did you know that Newtonism causes cancer and was the reasoning behind the holocaust? It's true. Furthermore, there is so much Newtonism doesn't explain. While Newtonism may explain falling, it does not explain the origin of falling. Newtonism also does not explain the origin of the kettle, nor does it explain why I don't particularly like rainbows whilst everyone else in my office seems enamoured with them. As any non-Newtonist will tell you, in order for a theory to be valid, it has to explain everything, including things that are completely irrelevant. Intelligent Falling, on the other hand, explains everything with just one simple word: "Pullerdidit". That's how we know Newtonism isn't science, but Intelligent Falling is.

This edge-of-your-seat non-stop thriller also uncovers the fact that there is no evidence of Newtonism. Newtonists would contend that there is mountains of evidence, and that the only reason I think there isn't is because when they try to tell me about it I stick my fingers in my ears. However, if this evidence is so amazing, shouldn't it be able to bypass my fingers? Think about it.

Repelled, a once-in-a-lifetime documentary, also proves that all scientists are atheist cunts. You'll notice that all the Newtonists interviewed are atheists, thus proof. Newtonists attempt to counter by claiming that there are in fact millions of religious physicists. However, if there are so many, why aren't they in the movie? Pwnt.

Criticism of Intelligent Falling

Evil scientists bent on destroying Intelligent Falling have been known to conspire in the afternoon tropics, more commonly known as Masturbatory Madness. Don't you worry — we're onto them. This particular aeroplane hanger houses hundreds of hairy horrible Battles of Hastings.

Apparently, to be "unbiased", we have to have criticism, so munch on this.

Bastard Scientists ask:

• Where is the evidence of IF?

• Counter: This is easier to counter than a next-legged arms of coat. The evidence is all around them. If they can't see it, it's because they're too biased, and they need to see things from our point of view, because ours is obviously correct and theirs is obviously wrong.

• Isn't there more evidence for gravity?

• Counter: Gish gosh. Of course not. Don't be so bloody stupid.

• Where's the evidence for g-decay?

• Counter: How else do you expect to explain the FACT that gravity was stronger in the past?

• Where's your evidence for the Intelligent Puller?

• Counter: There's no other explanation for things falling, so therefore IF must be true.

• Counter: What about gravity?

• Counter: Dude, didn't you read the article? I debunked gravity, creating a gap for IF.

• IF isn't falsifiable, and therefore isn't science.

• Counter: If God the Intelligent Puller ever came down and told us he doesn't exist, that would prove IF wrong. You scientists must surely be sorely lacking in simple imagination and sensible logic to safely think IF somehow isn't solidly falsifiable.

• I've noticed that IF isn't published in any peer-reviewed journals.

• Counter: Of course it is. Just not in anything you ever read. Your gravitationalist conspiracy network won't allow IF to be published in any "respected scientific journals", but don't you worry. We publish IF articles in our own journals, and our journals are of a much higher quality than yours. Our standards are so high, that I insist that only I can review my own work, and my articles get published every time.

• Counter: You're an idiot.

• Counter: No, you're an idiot!

• Wouldn't we have to redefine science to include the supernatural in order to allow for IF?

• Counter: Yeah, so? What's the big deal? Ok, look, 2 points.

• We can't test the Supernatural for its existence and thus we can safely assume it exists
• Since we can't test the Supernatural, it's useful for explaining away anything we don't currently understand

• See? Totally logical. The only reason you "scientists" don't allow for supernatural explanations is because of your atheistic materialistic dogma.

• Counter: Sure. That's the reason.

• Counter: It is!

• Isn't assuming an Intelligent Puller an Argument from Ignorance?

• Counter: Isn't assuming dark energy an argument from ignorance?

Conclusion

As Intelligent Falling is, like, a bazillion times better than gravity, absolutely follows the scientific method, is totally secular, and gravity is none of these things, it should thus be taught in schools. There's totally a controversy in the scientific community about it. Don't you want your children learneding about the controversy? Of course you do. All good parents do. You're a good parent, aren't you?

Two thousand years ago, someone died on a cross. Can't someone fall up for him?

See Also

• Gravity
• Intelligent Design
• Intelligent Math
• Intelligent women
• Intelligent men
• Intelligent Hen
• Intelligent Pen
• Malignant Ren
• Pigment Shen
• Porky Shan
• Prickly Scam
• Professor Plan

External links

• Answers in my scripture, but not yours
• Intelligent Falling reported by The Onion
• Marvel Institute's Centre for the Renewal of Bullshit and Fraud