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“There is no emoticon for what I am feeling...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Emoticonics

An early Emoticonicist studies his subject

Emoticonics is a well regarded and inconceivable science with a rich history and creamy center. It is utterly and irrevocably unrelated to the emoticon. Established in the early eighteen sixty ones (1861s) by anonymous, emoticonics was initially concerned almost entirely with developing a method for the faceless to convey emotion. According to anonymous, "Slugs, headless people, infinitesimal points, Keanu Reaves, victims of pigeon maulings; all of these will benefit stupendously from the advances of... EMOTICONICS!" (Pg. 56 of The Science of Brevity & Ambiguity: Emoticonics and You) The future of emoticonics was bright and fluffy, and the perceived benefits of this new field had every faceless entity in the world, nay, the universe, excited to the point of excessive (possibly even unhealthy) jubilation.

The Glorious Advances of Emoticonics!

Unfortunately, emoticonics failed miserably. With only rocks to carve their ideas into, early scientists had no method with which to display the extremely nuanced concepts of emoticonics. Compounding this problem, the extreme complexity of emoticonics scared away even the most intelligent and homely of scientists, and on the fateful day of February 32nd, 1901, emoticonics died of loneliness.

The Wonderous Rebirth of Emoticonics!

But, like a big sciencey phoenix rising from its own scienceless ashes, emoticonics saw a massive revival with the advent of "The Internet". In 1982, early second wave emoticonic pioneers made some startling breakthroughs in the field. With the aid of "computars" and the afformentioned "The Internet", a group of utter geniuses came up with the First Imperative Maxim of Emoticonics. The formula for this new theory was startlingly simple. It was as follows: :). Despite the initial problem that displaying this formula after an actual colon gave the appearance of a four eyed monster, and the other inconvenience that displaying a period after this formula made it look like it had a mole on its chin, emoticonics was off to a splendid start. Besides, with the proliferation of emoticonics most people would no longer even need make use of the cumbersome rules of grammar that their forefathers so rabidly followed, all but irradicating "proper" use of colons and periods.

The Fantastic Modern Emoticonics!

Today, emoticonics is a science reserved only for the most wise and learned. Requiring decades of experience and practice, the methods of emoticonics are as complex as they are magnificent. Skilled users need not even make use of any formal language, instead opting to communicate entirely in the language of emoticonics. It is predicted that, with the future proliferation of emoticonics through advances in keyboard technology, the english language will one day be rendered obsolete by the majestic iron fist of emoticonics.

Some Stupendous Emoticonics Formulae!

  • :) The first ever emoticon discovered through emoticonics, this emoticonicular formula for displaying the unnerving grin of all consuming insanity is oft misused. The common misunderstanding is that it is designed to convey happiness, which is a fallacy. A proper example of its usage is as such:
<e1e/\/\e+@1> hey dude what u do for trky day?
<e1e/\/\e+@1> k lol... dos that mean you ate ur rents?
<Sir Alphonso III> :)
<Sir Alphonso III> :)
<Sir Alphonso III> :)
<Sir Alphonso III> :)
<e1e/\/\e+@1> um im leeaving now
  • =|;{> Upon the discovery of the first emoticon, early emoticonicists made an extremely ambitious attempt at synthesizing their own emoticon. Some argued they were playing God, and some were right. This emoticonical formula, which visually resembles a whimsically moustached man wearing a tophat and monacle, was the result. Its purpose was to display a very specific emotion, namely that of aloof and reserved ambivalence concealing seething, unstoppable hatred. Its initial discovery is recorded here. An example of its proper usage follows:
<e1e/\/\e+@1> hey dude remember that hawt cindy chik u lliked?
<Sir Alphonso III> YES
<e1e/\/\e+@1> i totaly got her drunk last nihgt n banged her
<Sir Alphonso III> =|;{>
<e1e/\/\e+@1> wo lol u took that prty well lol
<Sir Alphonso III> =|;{>
<Sir Alphonso III> =|;{>
<Sir Alphonso III> =|;{>
<e1e/\/\e+@1> aight calm down dude no need to get loco
Unfortunately, its extreme power resulted in the unnecessary deaths of many, many thousands. It never caught on.
  • :| This emoticoniclastical formula is, strangely enough, designed to display a lack of emotion. As a result of this paradoxical application, any use of this formula results in a logical error and the immediate catastrophic crashing of whatever computer system is unfortunate enough to be host to it. A dramatically historical (or historically dramatical) reinactment of its only ever usage is below:
<e1e/\/\e+@1> sup dawg how u fealin?
<Sir Alphonso III> :|
<e1e/\/\e+@1> holy bawls
  • e1e/\/\e+@1 has dropped from #theinternet
  • Sir Alphonso III has dropped from #theinternet
  • theinternet has dropped from #theinternet
  • :P This highly dubious emoticonicutical formula is ostensibly the same as the formula for :|, except with a snaggle tooth. To be honest, we're not really sure what anyone would even use it for. An example its usage follows... I guess:
<e1e/\/\e+@1> yo homes is ur dawg stil alive atferit got hit by dat car?
<Sir Alphonso III> :P
<e1e/\/\e+@1> what the fuck is wrong with ur tooth?
  • :( This formula is the exact opposite of :) (or (:), so it stands to represent the comforting frown of incompletely regurgitating lucidity. Pretty weird, huh? Due to the ridiculousness of this formula no one really knows how to use it. Hanz Smilenfaccen, an obscure but influential scientist in the field of emoticonics, is quoted as once saying, "How the bloo'y 'ell is one s'posed to regurgitate some flippin' lucidity now then?" His confusion is mirrored by most emoticonicists, and wild theories about the use of :( abound. Some suspect its proper application harbours the secret to life as we know it, and some prophecies fortell that, if fallen into the wrong hands, :( could bring about the end of the entire universe, or at least the end of a pretty big and well thought-of part of the universe. See below for a sample of what modern emoticonical experts believe :( would look like if used in common parlance:
  • ;) Like the :) formula, this emoticonicorsicair formula is deeply misunderstood. The oddly mishapen left eye of this formula, commonly believed to be winking, is in fact a brutal black eye acquired in a bar fight after a month and a half long bender upon the emoticon's discovery that, now that he has been laid off from his $5.00/hour job shovelling rendered fat onto a conveyor belt at the pork processing plant, his little emoticon wife has been cheating on him and he has nothing left to live for but alcohol and pain... deep, horrible, soul crushing pain the likes of which most emoticons never face and only dream of in their worst nightmares. As such, this grinning, depraved, bruised and battered shell of a former emoticon displays the hopeless, masochistic grin of total existential abandon. Do we really have to give an example?
  • A stunning example of emoticonics in the wild. They are truly majestic...
    :O This formula is quite straightforward, as it merely represents the paralyzing shock and anguish of being unexpectedly kicked in the balls by a professional football player. Surprisingly, this emoticon enjoys a great deal of usage, especially by the hit television program America's Funniest Home Videos. It is surprisingly flexible, and although its main usage is defined above, it may also represent anything from being punched in the junk by a dumb toddler to seeing Ann Coulter self-administer a deep cavity douching while expounding on the merits of Reagan era economics. It is often followed by XO.
  • :D Intimately linked to the above formula, :D is specifically meant to display the emotions of the friends of the emoticon that went :O after being kicked in the balls. It is often followed by the formula for XD.

See also

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