HowTo:Be a cannibal and still take care of children
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Introduction[edit]
Hello! If you are reading this guide, then you are probably a cannibal who has decided to pursue a career in childcare. Why you would find yourself in this predicament is your fault, but fortunately for you, it is possible to succeed in this particular persuasion. Below is a guide that I have expertly constructed to help you succeed in childcare and eating people.
Lifestyle changes[edit]
I'm not going to lie; being a child-rearing cannibal is never easy. In fact, it's really hard. Like, "Dark Souls" hard.
But, hey, that's why I'm here.
Step 1: Groom well[edit]
I don't care how much you dislike grooming; if you're going to be a cannibal, you don't want people to look at you and say, "Wow, that guy looks like he kills people and devours their corpses!"
Do you think that, if they see you like that, they will trust their children to you? NO. Parents aren't inclined to look at the guy who looks the most like a psychopath and hand them their child.
If you smell like a cannibal, if you act like a cannibal, even if you talk like a cannibal, people aren't going to trust you.
Not with their things, not with their money, not with their health, and not with their children.
So bathe regularly. Use soap. Comb that hair. Brush your teeth. USE DEODERANT! Shave. Change your clothes and wash them.
Remember, "As long as no one thinks you're Manson, you can be Manson."
Step 2: Go to bed at a decent time[edit]
Yeah, I know, I sound like your mother. But if you look like an insomniac who watches people through their windows at night, you can't do the necessary tasks of getting away with the crime.
Not easy, I know. If every time you close your eyes, a million flashbacks of childhood trauma rip what's left of your pitiful soul to shreds, it's hard to count sheep and saw logs. (This is a metaphor. Do not actually count sheep or saw logs all night.)
Try sedatives. You may still be tortured by nightmares, but now you will get out of bed every morning looking and feeling mildly refreshed. Get at least four hours of sleep every night, and no, "waking nightmares" do not count.
Sedatives not doing it for you? Way to be a "Difficult Dave". If chemicals don't knock you out at night, try reading nice things. I recommend something calm and nice, possibly involving kittens. It should soothe you, not keep you up, paralyzed with terror/arousal.
If you sleep well, you'll be more energetic and child friendly, and your smile will be natural and inviting.
Step 3: *MOST IMPORTANT!* Don't follow people[edit]
It's an inviting and efficient idea. Much like a predator, you stalk your prey.
But stalking is a crime, and you can't hunt people for soup meat if you are in prison.
Try virtually stalking them. It's not a real crime. (DISCLAIMER: FOLLOW THIS TIP AT YOUR OWN RISK.)
Don't use tracking darts. It's tacky, and it's way too obvious.
(If you simply must track your prey, place a tracking device on their child. It is much easier to do.)
If a parent says "No, thank you, sir and/or ma'am, I don't need a babysitter," LEAVE IT AT THAT!
If you persist after that, you will be found annoying, creepy, and eventually, indictable.
AVOID approaching children on their own. It becomes a crime way quicker than approaching an adult. If you must approach a minor, try to entice or confuse them, perhaps with candy. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES GRAB THE CHILD!
Grabbing them is tempting, as any pedophile can attest, but it is inexcusable. There is no plausible deniability for grabbing a minor. Zero. Nada.
If you follow this rule, which is the most crucial, you should appear to be a somewhat normal person.
Finding a career[edit]
THIS WILL NOT BE EASY!
I must stress this point. You are not a normal person. You are a cold-hearted murderer who eats corpses and abducts children. (DO NOT CELEBRATE THIS FACT!)
If you've been paying attention, you now act and look like a psychologically-stable human being. This is called a facade. However, this alone will not be enough to persuade people you are mentally stable enough to handle children. In fact, if you went over-the-top on the whole "I'm-not-going-to-be-an-obvious-serial-killer" thing, you may still look like a serial killer.
Life is difficult for a cannibal in America. Since cannibalism is not morally supported, most people will shun you. But, you can't let them get to you. You don't do anything wrong or unnatural, unlike those gays. Cannibalism is a celebration of humanity, in its most pure form. However, YOU are the only one who practices it. Yeah, you, You.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. I didn't come here to cast stones; I came here to help you succeed in you sick, twisted lifestyle.
You monster.
Step 1: Get chummy[edit]
(THE TITLE IS A FIGURE OF SPEECH. CHUM WILL NOT AID YOUR ENDEAVORS IN ANY WAY.)
So, by now you've become a sane-seeming individual within the community. Cool cool. Now that you've got to a point of relative trustworthiness, it's time to start looking for a job. Now, most individuals would pursue a career that they would like, but I think you should take what you can get.
Try to get a degree in education. If you can't do that, then apply to volunteer in a kindergarten PTA. Nobody runs background checks on PTA members. It's actually kind of reprehensible.
If the PTA requires you to actually have a child enrolled in the school, simply pay a midget to pretend to be your kid. As long as he/she plays along, nobody will raise any questions. If they do, just accuse them of racism and they'll stop (as long as they're white).
If you become an educator, join a union and you can do whatever the fuck you want.
Step 2: Pick your prey[edit]
Congratulations! If you've followed all steps up to this point, you have successfully infiltrated society!
Now, it's time to make a choice. If you favor eating children, then you need to continue to read this guide. If you prefer adults, you still need to keep reading.
Prey category: Children[edit]
If you have picked children, good for you! They are the most tender and supple, yet lack flavor and have a somewhat gooey texture. Also, due to immature brain development, they are easier to beguile and trick. Most people, including other cannibals (I lied about you being the only cannibal. This is called "Tough Love".), frown upon eating babies as being "morally wrong." They are correct. However, YOU are a strong, independent cannibal toddler-teacher who shouldn't be affected by the haters, no matter how painfully correct they may be while condemning you for your hideous lifestyle.
Now, it is imperative for you to determine if you are an actual cannibal, or if you are just a pedophile. If you are a pedophile, LEAVE THIS PAGE IMMEDIATELY! We don't want your sick perversion here, we want it here.
If you want children's flesh in your mouth for non-sexual reasons, then keep on reading!
Tactic 1: The classic[edit]
PRICE: Cheap
EFFECTIVENESS: Medium
LEVEL OF SKILL REQUIRED: Medium-to-Low
WHAT YOU WILL NEED: Rope (18-20 ft), cake (or other sweet thing/money), a cardboard box, a stick, a knife or other sharp weapon, a frying pan, a roaring fire, 2 sticks of butter, a bone saw, seasonings, oil, and eating utensils.
HOW TO DO IT: This is a classic, easy, "Tom and Jerry" approach to capturing children. You'd have to be a complete moron to screw this one up. Simply place the stick in the ground at a 90 degree vertical angle, and balance one end of the box on it, so that the inside of the box is accessible but at an angle that would require the child to crawl inside. Place the bait in the box so that it is visible but not able to be reached from the outside. Tie the rope around the stick, and the walk back to a bush or shrubbery where you can watch without being seen. When a child enters the box to try to acquire the cake, tug the rope to drop the box. This is only effective against very young children, as older children will understand how to get out. Now that you have snared the minor, approach CAREFULLY with the knife. Children, when cornered, have been known to disembowel their assailant. Pull up the box and quickly slit the child's throat. Eat the cake (or re-use it next time). Put the child in the box to avoid public scrutiny. Now, return to your dwelling and start the fire.
Once the fire is large, hot, and roaring, set up a grill on which to place the frying infant. Melt butter onto pan liberally in order to prevent sticking. Pour in oil. When the oil is bubbling, place infant in oil. Add seasonings and turn the infant occasionally. Once the infant has a crispy golden-brown skin, remove it from the pan and place it on a large serving plate. If you are serving it to guests, saw the infant into pieces with the bone saw to let the inside cool. Serves three (3) psychopaths.
Tactic 2: The Virginia snare[edit]
PRICE: Very Cheap
TARGET: Infants to Children, especially black ones
EFFECTIVENESS: Medium to Low
LEVEL OF SKILL REQUIRED: Medium to High
WHAT YOU WILL NEED: White hood, hickory tree, 16-30 ft rope, white supremacy, roaring fire, whiskey, bone saw, paper plates, plastic utensils, more whiskey, cigarettes, bourbon, whiskey, and barbeque sauce.
HOW TO DO IT: Don white hood. This is crucial, as you don't want people to think you are just any old racist. You want to be portrayed as a REALLY BIG racist. Tie rope into a noose. Locate child and hickory tree. Now, lasso the child and pull until a refreshing "snap" is heard. (If you miss, turn and run. The parents will be on you in seconds, and they will be PISSED.) Now, hoist the child about three feet off the ground under the hickory tree. Build the fire under the tree, but far enough from the tree so as to not ignite the tree. (Trees are re-usable for this step if not consumed.) Fasten the rope to the tree so that the baby is hanging loosely over the flames, but NOT in the flames. Drench baby in whiskey, bourbon, barbeque sauce, and whiskey. Drink whiskey, smoke cigarettes, and enjoy a nice "Dixie-style" home-town baby barbeque. Serves 4-6 insane white supremacists.
Tactic 3: The Bostonian bisque[edit]
PRICE: Cheap
TARGET: Infants
EFFECTIVENESS: Medium to High
LEVEL OF SKILL REQUIRED: Medium to Low
WHAT YOU WILL NEED: Crock-pot, sand, water, jagged metal pieces, one (1) live human infant, a power source, two fifty-foot extension cords, duct tape, a tarp, a clean vacuum, a pot of broth, bowls, sporks.
HOW TO DO IT: This method isn't so much for catching children as it is for a fun way to prepare them. This method is a great way to bond with your children (the ones you don't intend to eat), as well as a great way to celebrate an event, such as the ending of a marathon or race.
Spread out tarp over at least twenty square feet. Place crock-pot on top of tarp. Open crock-pot. Put in sand and water, making sure that there is more water than sand. The baby needs to float. Deposit metal shards into crock-pot, allowing them to sink to the bottom. Now add the infant. (If you can't fit it in easily, you can shove it in there. It'll end up in the same condition in the end anyway.) Put the lid back on the crock-pot and duct tape the pot shut, so that no pressure escapes. Now, plug in the crock-pot and set the dial to 2-4 hours. Get to a safe distance and wait. (Goggles are recommended.) When the crock-pot explodes, unplug it and plug in the vacuum. Vacuum up all organic matter and place in hot broth. Let the broth simmer, waiting until the blood red gives way to a pleasant brown color. The soup should be fairly chunky. Use sporks to eat. Serves a family of six cannibals.
Tactic 4: The John Wayne Gacy "Grab-N-Go"[edit]
DISCLAIMER[edit]
This technique, like the Dahmer and the Cheney are named after famous cannibals who pioneered the frontier of grabbing people and eating them. However, John Wayne Gacy is controversial because he was also a pedophile, and as we stated before, we don't condone pedophilia on this HowTo. Therefore, we admire Mr. Gacy for his technique, rather than the general nature of his crimes.
PRICE: Minimum Wage
TARGET: Children to Young Teens
EFFECTIVENESS: Varies
LEVEL OF SKILL REQUIRED: High
WHAT YOU WILL NEED: A low-paying job at a hole-in-the-wall children's play-place (such as Chuck E. Cheese's, Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, etc.), a mask or face-paint (BLACKFACE DOES NOT COUNT!), an automobile, a sedative, frying oil, bread crumbs, a chair, rope, a bone saw, knives, and a shack in the hills with an ample crawlspace.
HOW TO DO IT: This technique requires the previous infiltration of the community to be successful, so proceed with caution. After acquiring a job as a low-paid children's entertainer, (such as a clown or mascot), begin to become a child favorite. Perhaps distribute free balloons or sing songs at birthdays until you are a universally beloved character, such as Chuck E. Cheese, Freddy Fazbear, and/or Pennywise the Dancing Clown. Once you have attained this popularity, invite the "birthday boy/girl" back to your house for a "special surprise." (It is at this point that you seriously risk either being portrayed as, or becoming a pedophile.) If this technique succeeds (and I don't see why it wouldn't), prepare the oil. Divide the child into breasts, legs, thighs, arms, skull, and organs ("giblets" in Pretentious Fringlish). Bread the meat and fry until a nice crispy golden-brown skin develops. Once you are done eating, dispose of the bodies under the floorboards. Serves you, and the sixteen voices in your head.
Prey Category: Teens and adults[edit]
“Teens are fair game, right?”
If you chose teenagers and adults, then you tend to hunt people ages 10-40. They tend to have a bit more texture, as well as a richer taste and greater firmness. The cannibal community tends to judge you less for this, as they "seem to have got a fair shot at life by then." However, teens and adults are much harder to catch. As most murderers and/or rapists can attest, wrestling a human being into submission is no walk in the park, especially if they are walking in a public place (such as a park).
In the Infants and Children section, there was some room for experimentation, even by the most amateur of cannibals. In this section, it is EVEN MORE CRUCIAL that any inexperienced cannibals follow my instructions precisely. These are tried-and-true methods that have worked for generations of cannibals before you; DO NOT TAMPER WITH THEM (unless you are an experienced cannibal, in which case, proceed with caution).
Tactic 1: The Dahmer[edit]
PRICE: Cheap
TARGET: Homosexual men and boys
EFFECTIVENESS: Medium to High
LEVEL OF SKILL REQUIRED: Medium
WHAT YOU WILL NEED: Tight buns, a confident demeanor, some upper body strength, unholy lust, a lead pipe, a bone saw, a suitcase, a nondescript station wagon, homosexuality.
HOW TO DO IT: This technique worked for Dahmer, and it'll work for you. You need to find a gay club, gay it up with your target, lure him out into the alleyway for a gay blowjob, gaily smash him over the head with a lead pipe, shove his gay ass into the gay suitcase, drag your gay suitcase into the gay station wagon, bring him back to your (gay) "confirmed bachelor" pad, gay it up with the corpse, cut up the gay corpse with a gay bone saw, eat the gay parts you don't want to keep, stitch the gay parts you do keep onto the other gay parts of gay corpses, gay it up with the gay corpses until they're so rotten (and gay) that you can't stand them, hide them under your gay floorboards, and gaily spray the pad with gay air freshener (or gay air gayener). The last part was omitted by Dahmer, and that was his undoing. Learn from his mistakes, and enjoy.
Tactic 2: The Virginia snare[edit]
(Yes, this also works on adults)
PRICE: Very Cheap
TARGET: Teens and Adults, especially black ones
EFFECTIVENESS: Medium to Low
LEVEL OF SKILL REQUIRED: Medium to High
WHAT YOU WILL NEED: White hood, hickory tree, 16-30 ft rope, white supremacy, roaring fire, whiskey, bone saw, paper plates, plastic utensils, more whiskey, cigarettes, bourbon, whiskey, and barbeque sauce.
HOW TO DO IT: Don white hood. This is crucial, as you don't want people to think you are just any old racist. You want to be portrayed as a REALLY BIG racist. Tie rope into a noose. Locate person and hickory tree. Now, lasso the person and pull until a refreshing "snap" is heard. (If you miss, turn and run. Their friends will be on you in seconds, and they will be PISSED.) Now, hoist the person about three feet off the ground under the hickory tree. Build the fire under the tree, but far enough from the tree so as to not ignite the tree. (Trees are re-usable for this step if not consumed.) Fasten the rope to the tree so that the vicitm is hanging loosely over the flames, but NOT in the flames. Drench victim in whiskey, bourbon, barbeque sauce, and whiskey. Drink whiskey, smoke cigarettes, and enjoy a nice "Dixie-style" home-town human barbeque. Serves 7-10 insane white supremacists.
Tactic 3: The Cheney[edit]
PRICE: Medium to Expensive
TARGET: Teens and Adults, especially hunting enthusiasts and/or political figures
EFFECTIVENESS: High
LEVEL OF SKILL REQUIRED: Unfathomably Low
WHAT YOU WILL NEED: Double-barrel shotgun, nearsightedness, a wooded game reserve, a hunting vest, the ability co cover up massive political scandals (optional).
HOW TO DO IT: Remember, "Get Chummy." If you befriend a target, chances are that they won't suspect you of being a cannibal psychopath who is sizing them up to eat. While not a (confirmed) cannibal, former Vice President Dick Cheney had an infamous hunting accident resulting in a nonfatal maiming of Harry Whittington. If this was indeed an attempt at cannibalism/manslaughter, Cheney "done fucked it up good". We are going to demonstrate what this technique can do when applied on purpose.
Befriend a hunting enthusiast and/or politician, and invite them to hunt quail with you. (Note: This does not mean hunting Dan Quayle, but if you are intending to hunt Mr. Quayle, this tactic may have some effectiveness.) If you are a fan of quail, then this will also provide you with non-human-based food which can help with the coming winter (although winter is prime human-hunting time). In order to allay suspicion, consuming alcohol and telling racist jokes may be necessary, as well as successfully hunting at least one quail. When the quail has been successfully shot, send your new "friend" to go and grab it. Use this time to make sure you two are alone. Then, without warning, shoot the unfortunate son-of-a-bitch with both barrels.
On the way back, DO NOT TIE THE VICTIM TO THE HOOD OF YOUR CAR! That would be stupid. It would also be an easy way to get caught. When you make it back to your home/lair, disembowel the victim and stuff them with quail. Cook for 30-50 minutes. Serves a party of 12.
Tactic 4: The Bundy[edit]
While not actually a cannibal, Ted Bundy's notorious technique for murder and necrophilia is applicable to our guide to cannibalism.
PRICE: Expensive
TARGET: Teens and Adults, especially gullible college students
EFFECTIVENESS: High
LEVEL OF SKILL REQUIRED: High
WHAT YOU WILL NEED: A handsome face (YOURS. THE "HANNIBAL LECTER ESCAPE METHOD" DOES NOT AID YOU IN THIS RESPECT. DO NOT WEAR ANOTHER PERSON'S FACE FOR THIS!), a Volkswagen with a secret compartment behind the back seat, a fake arm injury, a crowbar, upper body strength, seaweed, rice, a bone saw, anti-Kuru pills, and tranquil oriental music.
HOW TO DO IT:
Again, remember to "Get Chummy." You need to be as charming as possible, and you CANNOT skip the "Grooming" step at the beginning of the guide. You also need to be much more charismatic than usual. Remember, Ted Bundy didn't look or act like a serial killer in day-to-day life, and because of that, he got away with hundreds of murders. You need to follow that example.
Put on a fake cast. This will make you seem vulnerable, and make people feel bad for you and want to help you; which, if you use this correctly, is your meal ticket. Make a large but believable show of not being able to open your car door. When someone comes to help, make small talk. This will beguile and disarm them. When they open the door for you, hit them with the crowbar and stuff them behind the seat, in the secret compartment. AFTER ONE VICTIM, LEAVE! People will get suspicious if you shut the car door again and start waiting around for help, so act like they actually helped you and drive away.
When you get home, if you didn't kill them, they may wake up. Now, you have a choice. Are you a sadist? In which case, keep them alive while you dismember them. If you still have some shred of humanity left, kill them, and then dismember them. Soak the meat in purified water, changing the water until all blood is gone. Cut the meat into rectangles, delicately in order to create a perfectly tranquil piece of delicious flesh. Place atop a rice ball that is stuffed with anti-Kuru pills, and wrap both carefully in seaweed. Now, turn on tranquil oriental music, grab your chopsticks, and dig in!
Prey Category: The elderly[edit]
Wow, <insert name here>, just wow. Eating children just wasn't enough for you, was it? You just had to eat old people. Why do you want to eat Grandma? She's such a sweet old lady, and you want to eat her? God, you sick fuck!
I'm sorry, that was rude.
I guess, if you're into this, you can eat old people. There is some merit to it, I mean, they are on the way out, so to speak. Still, it's sick and cruel, but this is on you, not me.
The elderly are easily confused, quiet, and slow-moving. Also, no one really investigates their deaths. This is... sigh... c'mon, man, they're old! They can't even piss without help, and you're going to kill them? Would you kill retarded children?! Or quadriplegic, mute orphan babies?! Because killing an old person, that's just messed up... Alright, no, let's keep going. I started this guide, and I'm going to finish this. This section is disgusting. Skip ahead to the Escaping section if you aren't as screwed up as the freaks who want to eat Grannies and Pappies.
Tactic 1: The Visit[edit]
PRICE: Cheap
TARGET: Grandparents
EFFECTIVENESS: Medium to High
LEVEL OF SKILL REQUIRED: Low
WHAT YOU WILL NEED: No shame, a sick mind, no soul, a cruel heart, a car, a fake ID, a smile, and a soothing voice.
HOW TO DO IT: This technique preys on the vulnerabilities of grandparents who have been relegated to homes. You have to be a sick bastard to try this one. You simply go to the home and... oh God, this is fucked up, man! You'd stoop to the point of checking them out of an old folk's home, giving them false hope that they'd be among their family again, only to kill them? God, man, you are a piece of shit.
Tactic 2: The roadkill roast[edit]
PRICE: Cheap
TARGET: The elderly in general
EFFECTIVENESS: Medium to High
LEVEL OF SKILL REQUIRED: Low
WHAT YOU WILL NEED: No shame, a sick mind, no soul, a cruel heart, legs.
HOW TO DO IT: This technique preys on the physical weakness and nearsightedness of the elderly. Yeah, you've hit rock bottom. You are offering to help an old person cross the street, and you tell them to cross when the cars are rushing by. You deserve to be buried in a mound of dog shit and pissed on by Satan, then fed to fire ants in a river of burning pig jizz. Yeah, eat the corpse off the street, you sick fuck! Like a dog! Like a fucking DOG!
Tactic 3: The bingo[edit]
PRICE: Cheap
TARGET: Old People
EFFECTIVENESS: Medium to High
LEVEL OF SKILL REQUIRED: Low
WHAT YOU WILL NEED: No shame, a sick mind, no soul, a cruel heart, a .45, a bingo hall, and a lifetime of sick perverted bestiality.
HOW TO DO IT: This technique preys on the vulnerabilities of the elderly, who enjoy bingo. Innocent, elderly people, going to bingo on Saturday night because they have nowhere else to go! You've stooped to SO LOW that you're taking advantage of the elderly's love for bingo! You sick bastard.
If you read the "What You Will Need" section, I think you can figure out what you need to do.
You sick piece of shit.
Escaping[edit]
Alright. We knew it would happen eventually. You slipped up, you got caught, you confessed in a drug-induced hallucination; it doesn't really matter. If you are doing this to repent, then you can ignore this section. (Weirdo.) However, if you aren't quite done with living, then this is as crucial a part as any of the previous sections outlined in this guide. Any talented serial killer knows, you want to establish an MO and gain infamy, but your hints will have to be consistent and maddeningly cryptic. Tabloids will speculate that you are any number of celebrities, or government agencies, or secret alien pig-people here to steal our Chuck E. Cheese tokens.
Many have tragically failed at this most important step, and have become incarcerated/executed for it. But some daring men, women, and yes, even children have escaped without any penalties. Or, even better, some have been caught, and then escaped.
Escape Tactic 1: The Hannibal[edit]
REQUIRED SKILL LEVEL: Very High
EFFECTIVENESS: Depends on infamy
ROOM FOR ERROR: Little or None
POTENTIAL INFAMY GAIN: High to Legendary
GIVEN CIRCUMSTANCES: You have been cornered/captured, and there are inept/unwary guards defending you.
WHAT TO DO: To properly execute this technique, you will need to be fast; The take-down itself will be difficult, in addition to disguising oneself. You have to eliminate the guard(s) quickly, messily, and efficiently. Once you've done that, you have a variable window of 60 seconds to two hours, depending on how long the guards' shifts are. If there are cameras in this equation, you will need to splash blood onto them (or some other distorting liquid). Avoid gunfire; the sounds of a scuffle and guns will draw reinforcements, which will render this technique impossible to complete and will undoubtedly lead to your untimely demise. Once the guard(s) are dead, you need to swap clothing with them. Once you've done that, you'll need to remove one of their faces, mutilate it so it's unrecognizable, and wear it over your own. Be sure to place the victim's body in a place that would suggest a failed escape attempt/ill-fated bathroom break; then lay down. Groan and gurgle. Mimic the noises of people dying that you so relish. In all probability, reinforcements will discover you and assume that you are their fallen comrade and take you away for triage. Once you have exited the building with the medical staff, and are safely in an ambulance, eliminate the medical staff, commandeer the vehicle, park the vehicle outside the police station with the mutilated corpses of the medical staff, and walk away.
(A big thank-you to Hannibal Lecter for pioneering this technique!)
Escape Tactic 2: The Scott Cawthon[edit]
REQUIRED SKILL LEVEL: Very Low
EFFECTIVENESS: Depends on gullibility
ROOM FOR ERROR: Little or None
POTENTIAL INFAMY GAIN: High to Internet Stardom/Creepypasta
GIVEN CIRCUMSTANCES: You have been killing children in an animatronic rabbit suit in an abandoned Chuck E. Cheese's since 1984, and decided to make shitty horror games about your murderous habits and/or the convoluted, confusing speculation about a potentially nonexistent "timeline" to throw off the police.
WHAT TO DO: You are successful, but someone's on to you. Maybe local parents have become suspicious about "invitation fliers" inviting their children to arrive unsupervised at an abandoned Chuck E. Cheese's at late hours of the night; perhaps the police have noticed the ooze and smell coming from the condemned children's playplace that still, somehow, has WiFi. Whatever the reason, someone has called the cops.This technique takes a skill that everyone has: The ability to play dead. You see, the Chuck E. Cheese's has been left to rot, probably due to health concerns. This means that any of the suits, animatronic characters, and/or ovens will still be on the property. (This is an excellent way to dispose of the bodies as well, as animatronic suits already smell like something crawled up them, overdosed on AXE Aerosol Body Spray, and then died.) It is for that reason that your disguise will, potentially, work. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR COSTUME. You won't get away any other way. Simply slump over, hold your breath, and hope that the cops are so creeped out by the characters that they quickly haul you off to evidence. In transit, kill the officers, hijack the car, and wait for another Chuck E. Cheese's to inevitably be condemned for health violations. Chances are you won't have to wait very long.
Escape Tactic 3: The last stand[edit]
REQUIRED SKILL LEVEL: Very High
EFFECTIVENESS: Depends on skill
ROOM FOR ERROR: Little or None
POTENTIAL INFAMY GAIN: Near-deification to actual deification
GIVEN CIRCUMSTANCES: You are in a large, mostly empty building, armed, and the first responders have begun to show up.
WHAT TO DO: There are two ways to do this. One of them requires a quick wit, a light foot, and great vocal imitation skills. The other requires weapons, perfect aim, blood-lust, and a vantage point.
Escape Tactic 3.1: The infiltrator[edit]
This subset of the "Last Stand" tactic is one that requires all of your acting skills, the ability to move silently, and a quick and sure hand. It's more than likely you kill because you enjoy the pained screams and slow, messy deaths of your victims as you eat them alive. Everyone enjoys that. However, this technique requires absolute silence. To some, this may seem counter-intuitive; If I enjoy the misery, why would I avoid it? Think of it like this: you're giving this one up so there will be more in the future. For this, you will need to kill quickly, quietly, and effectively.
Sneak up behind the officers. Remember the movie Predator? Yeah, the one you salivated about. In that movie, Predator is a silent, stealthy killer. He uses a single, swift blow to kill his prey, without the others noticing. If one of the officers just vanishes, with no noise or indication of a struggle, the others will become afraid, fearing something supernatural. This will make them stupid and scared. (The only downside of this is that they may call for backup.) If the cop's radio starts buzzing, answer it in your best imitation of his voice. (Try to avoid the Three "S"'s of Cannibal Communication: long "s" sounds, slurping noises, and smacking your lips.) If they buy it, you can slip away before the cleanup teams arrive to confiscate your "collection". (Don't worry, if you do this right, there will be more to come.)
If not, try the "High Noon" subset.
Escape Tactic 3.2: High Noon[edit]
If you can pull this off, you will be a legend.
The police are known to be armed. Most of them are trained to use their munitions effectively. Not all of them are the fat, dumb, "Paul Blart"-like imbeciles that the media portrays. (Most of them are like this, but not all of them. Some are also racist.) Chances are, they're trained, well-armed, and on substantially fewer hallucinogens than you are. Ordinarily, this means you'll lose any combat confrontations with them. But, if you're EXTREMELY lucky, you could pull it off. You'll need firearms. And ammunition. (You CAN'T have just one.) Once you've acquired said weaponry, you will need a vantage point. Somewhere you can see the police, but they can't see you. I think you know what must be done. (If you DON'T, then you've already lost that fight.)
Escape Tactic 4: The Substantial Serpent[edit]
REQUIRED SKILL LEVEL: Very Low
EFFECTIVENESS: Depends on gullibility
ROOM FOR ERROR: Little or None
POTENTIAL INFAMY GAIN: None to Potential Loss
GIVEN CIRCUMSTANCES: You are in a compound with a lot of cardboard boxes.
WHAT TO DO:
Find a box. A big box, but not a box so big as to attract attention. Not a crate, not a barrel, but a box. It has to be a box. There are no other types of storage receptacle that this will work with; you have to have a cardboard box.
Get into a crawling and/or crouching position. You should be able to move, but not too well. Cut an eye-slot in the box. Not too big, not too little; the perfect eye-slot for the perfect box. If it's too large or too small, you might as well give up; precision is key.
Put the box over yourself. To everyone else, you just look like a cardboard box. If you did this right, you'll be able to see and move; if not, you might as well hand yourself over to the police. It won't work any other way. Begin to inch forward, keeping your eyes on the cops. If one is about to turn and see you, stop walking and curl into a ball. Boxes don't have legs, so the cops will get suspicious. Timing is key.
Once you've made it out of the facility, get up and take the box with you. While you may not have killed any police, you've cost them their jobs, their wits, and their pride.
Retirement[edit]
Eventually, you will grow old. No matter how much innocent blood you bathe in, you will eventually become elderly. It's okay. It happens to everyone.
It's alright. Let it go. All you can do now is settle down, relax, and let your ambiguous disappearance and infamy blend to become legend. You've been successful so far, and you've gotten farther than any mainstream cannibal ever has. In addition, you have also fulfilled your duties as a childcare worker to an extent that has allowed you an actual retirement.
If you want, you can just fade away. But the following are suggestions as to what to do now.
Write Your Memoirs[edit]
If you've reached this phase, you've gone farther than any before you. Legends such as Dahmer and Gacy look like amateurs compared to you. You are every child's nightmare, and every law enforcement officer's dream promotion. You've made a mockery of the US Law Enforcement system, and gourmet dishes out of several of its purveyors. You are Public Enemy #1. The one that got away.
And that sells books!
Now, by this point, a bunch of creepy-ass four-eyed socially-inept Melvins have already written books on you. But they can only provide speculation; you have the exclusive.
But, you can't just write a book willy-nilly and call it good. You have to take steps.
Pick your Porn Pen Name[edit]
Okay, listen. You're a wanted murderer, alright? Now, if you've managed to do it anonymously, you can skip this step. However, if there's a name on your manted poster, chances are most publishing companies (i.e. all publishing companies besides UnBooks) frown on working with serial killers. (In the case of UnBooks, the reverse is true.) Thus, it would behoove you to pick a pen name that will hide your identity.
We have a formula for this:
"First Name of First Victim" + "Last Name of Latest Victim"
Mine is "Gabriel Matthews".
Some examples include: Penelope Evans, John Thomson, David Fredricks, and John Grisham.
Style: the Do's and Don'ts[edit]
DO talk in the third person. This is crucial; failure to do so will result in dire consequences. For example, nobody writes a memoir of Hitler and takes credit for his acts.
DON'T bind the original manuscript in human skin. This one is just nit-picky, but it's a good rule to not include body parts in a letter to a publisher (unless that publisher is UnBooks, in which case failure to do so is considered rude).
DO include visceral details. People are sick. They read this to see how sick and twisted you are; don't disappoint them.
DON'T call the book an "autobiography". Not only does it count as an admission of guilt, but nobody buys autobiographies.
DO go to book signings. So long as no one knows what you look like, you can enjoy public fame for knowing so much about yourself. If they do know what you look like, book signings fall into the "DONT'T" category.
