Chuck E. Cheese's
“Where a kid can be a kid, for $25 an hour!”
Chuck E. Cheese's (formerly Pizza Time Theatre, ShowBiz Pizza Place, and most recently Chuck E. Cheese's Pizza Strip Club) is a chain of pizzerias / children's entertainment establishments. Kids see Chuck E. Cheese's as a place of wonder, pizza, games, tubes, and animatronic shows. Their parents see it as a preview of what Hell is like. In actuality, the whole chain is actually a front for the signature mascot's plan to conquer the world through the manipulation of children's minds.
The company is privately held by none other than Chuck E. Cheese himself, due to his need for total control over everything. Tom Leverton is the current CEO, but only as long as Chuck E. Cheese deems him useful to the company. After this point, he will disappear, just like any other employee of CEC Entertainment, Inc. Approximately $300 million USD in revenue is generated on an annual basis, mainly from pizza sales and outrageously overpriced tokens. Much of this money goes towards further expansion of the chain, as well as to overseas arms dealers for business-confidential purposes.
Corporate history[edit]
The restaurant chain has a long, stable and successful history. It was first founded around the invention of animatronics in the 1980s by Atari, shortly after their patent was filed for these revolutionary entertainment robots. The first restaurant opened under the name Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, featuring four animatronics in a band and serving pizza to children. The restaurant was quite popular and financially successful until a series of unfortunate incidents tarnished its reputation, culminating in what is known as "The Bite of '87" (when a child bit into a slice of pizza to find half a cockroach still under the cheese, prompting a media frenzy over health code violations).
To save the once-successful business, Atari renamed the restaurant Pizza Time Theatre in 1988, swapping out the entire cast of animatronics, adopting new branding, and beginning to franchise additional locations to gain the appearance of a legitimate business. However, by 1990, legal issues between the co-founders and Chapter 11 bankruptcy drove the business under yet again, prompting a rebranding as ShowBiz Pizza Place and additional expansion in 1990.
The following year, one of the newest members of the animatronic crew, known as Chuck E. Cheese, finally gained sentience and hatched a plan for world domination. This involved further expanding the chain under his own name, then luring in children for brainwashing to create a more complacent population. After a generation or two, Chuck E. Cheese and his cohorts could then reap the benefits of what they've sown, by using the food and entertainment industries to control the now-grown adults and their own children for total economic (and eventually political) control. To this end, Chuck E. Cheese himself founded the present company CEC Entertainment, Inc., and began a hostile buyout of his former employer's restaurants.
By 1992, all ShowBiz Pizza Place establishments fell under his control. Chuck E. Cheese's animatronic brain employed sophisticated statistical modeling to conclude that to further fuel expansion, the chain needed to target adults as well as children. This lead to the chain's third rebranding as Chuck E. Cheese's Pizza Strip Club. This marked the first time the restaurants explicitly used his name in the branding, as well as the addition of strippers and beer to accompany the animatronic birthday shows.
Following complaints by prudish mothers concerning the presence of strippers in a supposedly kid-friendly establishment (and despite high praise from fathers), Chuck E. Cheese reluctantly withdrew the strippers, but kept the beer as a beverage option still available today. This major change was accompanied by yet another rebranding in 2012 to simply Chuck E. Cheese's, which is the name its 577 locations operate under today.
Menu[edit]
Chuck E. Cheese's is first and foremost a pizzeria. Pasqually E. Pieplate, in addition to performing with the rest of the characters during shows, has over 9000 copies of himself working in a Chinese factory to pre-cook the pizzas (with child laborers serving as quality control, paid approximately 2 tokens an hour). The pizzas are then frozen and shipped to the various restaurant locations, where they are reheated in industrial microwaves, left to stand under a heating lamp for at least 30 minutes or whenever the teenage employees notice that they're there, and finally served to unsuspecting children.
Chuck E. Cheese also has a salad bar, soda fountain and beer on tap for parents. The latter is especially important to help deal with the headaches they may develop while waiting for their kids to tire out and want to go home.
Helen Henny personally requested that chicken be added to the menu as a condition of her employment when she joined the band in 1990. Chicken is now available as a pizza topping, and also in sandwiches and wings. Helen is so far the only individual to have ever ordered chicken at Chuck E. Cheese's, and she consumes large quantities of it in place of a stable paycheck.
Animatronic band[edit]
Freddy Fazbear, Chica the Chicken, Bonnie the Bunny, and Foxy the Pirate Fox formed the initial cast when the first restaurant opened. Since then, the crew was constantly switched out with redesigned and new characters to sing to children, creep out parents and kill assist employees.
The current band consists of Chuck E. Cheese himself, Helen Henny, Mr. Munch, Jasper T. Jowls, and Pasqually E. Pieplate. These characters perform in the banquet hall, adding a cartoony atmosphere to an otherwise formal dining experience. They do these performances in addition to their other duties around the establishment, as well as at other locations. This is thanks to the fact that they are building a small army of copies of themselves for the upcoming enslavement of mankind.
Chuck E. Cheese[edit]
The proprietor of the establishment, who embodies the friendliness and cleanliness of the restaurant as an anthropomorphic rat. He underwent a cosmetic redesign in 2012 to a slimmer physique, suggesting that his pizza does not promote childhood obesity. Chuck E. Cheese is best known by patrons for singing with the rest of his band for children's birthday parties; however, he cannot sing the "Happy Birthday" song itself, since his rival and copyright king Mickey Mouse holds the exclusive rights to it. Thus, he must perform a butchered version instead, accompanied by lyrics requesting increasingly fat kids to "do the Chuck E." and physically move at times.
Helen Henny[edit]
A chicken who replaced Chica early on, with Chica being cited as drawing unwanted attention to the establishment by furries. She does not mind that Chuck E. Cheese's also serves chicken; in fact, she demanded it when she was first hired. Despite her appetite for chicken, she was actually brought onboard largely to promote the stripper side of the restaurant chain while it still ran under the Chuck E. Cheese's Pizza Strip Club name. She may or may not have had sexual relations with Chuck E. Cheese, although in public interviews both of them strongly deny this and insist it is strictly a "professional relationship".
Mr. Munch[edit]
A ripoff of Grimace from McDonald's, despite the fact that Chuck E. Cheese's does not currently serve any burgers. Mr. Munch is actually Grimace's retarded cousin, who still hangs out with his "peers" at Chuck E. Cheese's despite the fact that he's 34-years old but with the mind of a 6-year old. When not onstage, Mr. Munch is frequently eating tickets within the ticket counting machines, which may explain why he did not get as obese as Grimace, who instead eats hamburgers on a daily basis.
Jasper T. Jowls[edit]
A dog who replaced Foxy when some executive got the asinine idea that cowboys were cooler than pirates. He is best known for laughing at pretty much anything. Disney refuses to confirm he is the redneck relative of Goofy. Jasper is a long-time member of the band, and was able to keep his job despite numerous sexual harassment complaints from some of the show's female guest stars.
Pasqually E. Pieplate[edit]
An Italian chef, previously fired from Domino's for his infamously inedible creations, who produces all of the pizza for Chuck E. Cheese's. He follows an authentic Italian recipe, with the addition of a secret blend of mind-altering substances in the cheese to help implement Chuck E. Cheese's gradual brainwashing plan. His ineptitude for quality cooking may have been acquired from his mentor, Chef Boyardee. However, like Chef Boyardee, what he lacks in taste he makes up for with quantity. He was more than happy to add chicken to the menu when Helen Henny requested it; he himself may have experimented with the remains of problem employees in the past as pizza toppings.
Other entertainment fixtures[edit]
Tubes and ball pit[edit]
Chuck E. Cheese added large plastic tubes for children to play in after buying out his competitor, Discovery Zone. These tubes are meant to help children become accustomed to the dystopian infrastructure they will live in after his world domination plans have completed. Parts were made based on blueprints from the International Space Station, and allow children to be managed like hamsters. In some establishments, the tubing is either connected to or developed from the building's pre-existing ventilation system.
Critics have praised the tubes and ball pit for fostering a variety of bacteria and viruses in their snot-encrusted walls, boosting children's immune systems. The ball pit itself is sometimes referred to as the "ball pool", noting the inch-deep urine puddle which commonly collects at the bottom for young children to swim in and/or contribute to.
Arcade games[edit]
A variety of arcade games are available for children to play, at the cost of at least 1 token each. Only some of the games dispense tickets, making the rest a complete waste of time. Instead of having their children stay indoors at home playing video games, parents can spend additional money on gas and admission to have their children stay indoors at Chuck E. Cheese's playing video games.
Costumed performers[edit]
From time to time, employees with the lowest performance reviews from the past month will be assigned to costumed mascot duty. Wearing a heavy, hot costume for an entire 8-hour shift while enduring groin hits from screaming children is thought to build character, and looks good on a resume for an actual job in an office somewhere. Despite the grueling working conditions, many pedophiles enjoy and look forward to the position, which may explain why some children cry and run away upon seeing the mascots up close.
Currency[edit]
Chuck E. Cheese's establishments deal with three kinds of currency.
- Cash – Chuck E. Cheese's preferred kind of money is the kind that only comes from parents' wallets. It can be converted into tokens, with a current exchange rate of $1 USD = 4 CECT. Additional free tokens are promised as an incentive for booking a
collective brainwashing sessionbirthday party. - Tokens – Tokens are the fool's gold of Chuck E. Cheese's, since they look like gold coins but are actually worthless. Nevertheless, bratty kids will cry, scream and whine until their parents convert their cash into this currency, which is then wasted on the video games.
- Tickets – The only acceptable currency for acquiring prizes at the front counter. Most of these prizes are either useless trinkets, or toys selling for a quarter of the price at any nearby toy store. These are acquired by playing certain games with tokens, and are dished out at random (although the children are almost always getting cheated). Mr. Munch sits inside of the ticket counter machines, happily eating the tickets to absorb the lead-based ink in them into his bloodstream, making him even more retarded. A receipt then tells the employee behind the counter how much garbage the kid is entitled to drag home.