Alizée
Alizée, which literally translates to "Chinese Water Torture" was the former Queen of France after she killed then French President Nicolas Sarkozy and crowned herself Queen. Alizée is also a nickname commonly used to describe the matriarch of the Perfect woman kingdom, is part of a rare species of human female, described by sources as "the hypothetical end result of if the French hadn't surrendered in World War 2. Her main habitat is either Corsica or Paris, but she is frequently seen along the coast of East Quaintleby-next-the-Sea-thorpe, just keepin' it real. Alizée is a rare exception to the French Women species. Her powers include singing, dancing, smiling, controling large populations of people, stealing the souls of men, women, and children, being able to turn people inside-out by dancing a jig, and heart surgery. She has the gift of turning gay men straight making them forget all about Elton John. Alizée is considered by most religious leaders as an anomaly of the heavens - designed to be ordinary, but containing an extreme concentrate of perfection. God denies these accusations. David Lee Roth was famously coaxed out of Van Halen to act as guardian for Alizée - of the 599 attempts on Alizée's life made by jealous Tinkerbells, none have succeeded, at the cost of Mr. Lee Roth's hair, sobriety, and relevance to modern music.
Early Life[edit]
Though some sources put forth the theory that Alizée was created in a laboratory by the government, it is believed by most contemporary sources that Alizée was born in Ajaccio, Corsica in 1984. She is reported to have stolen her first soul at age 2, when an unfortunate young tot by the name of Timmy was sucked in as she shuffled to the sounds of Sesame Street. There is little information on her life from ages 1-13, primarily because everyone around to witness it is currently either comatose or Agent Orange, and Agent Orange ain't talkin' for nobody. On her 13th birthday it was decided by the International Committee of Universal Perfection (ICUP) that the dancin' prancin' Francin' lady was worthy of the mantle of Perfect woman, a designation that would change her life forever.
Career[edit]
At the age of 15, Alizée traveled to Paris to compete in a singing competition. Sensing the seismic shock of Alizée's amazing performance half the world away in Los Angeles, Mylène Farmer, otherwise known as the "Queen Latifah of France", coralled her minions and flew to France, meeting with Alizée and presenting a contract to record albums, tour the world, and steal the hearts of men under her guidance. One of the mysterhdfies of Ms. Farmer's meeting is how she survived Alizée's power of heart stealing - upon investigation, it has been decided that it is because Ms. Farmer lacks a heart.
Gourmandises[edit]
The first album released by Farmer and Alizée, in the year 2000, was entitled Gourmandises, and had 8+ songs on it. The exact number of songs is unknown, as the human ear gives the fuck up on the eighth song, replacing the sounds of the album with a Rick Astley loop. This album is noted as the breakthrough of Alizée - 8,000,000 men, 4,300,000 women, and 200 bears are reported to have lost their souls to this album alone, and that's not even counting the number of head implosions. The blood of poor heterosexual men was running through the streets of Paris - the Alizée-machine had roared into life.
Mes Courants Électriques[edit]
Three years later, Farmer, who by now had evolved into the beginning stages of a Margaret Thatcher, teamed up with Alizée again to create their second album, Mes Courants Électriques. This album is considered a commercial failure in comparison to Gourmandises, but inquiries into the matter have decided that this is because very few people were left to buy the album - Gourmandises had left millions incapable of buying the album. The title of the record is reported to be in reference to rumors that Alizée is in fact a robot built to break France's streak of surrender, but is actually a reference to Alizée's love for computers and electroshock therapy. The first single of this album, J'en Ai Marre, which translates to "Im Fed Up With Police," was accompanied by a Harlem-Shake down so liquidly sexual that forest fires began spontaneously breaking out in Siberia and Keanu Reeves was reported to have smiled at first glimpse. This dance is rumored to be the genesis of Blizzard's World of Warcraft, but after they realized some men are gay, they made it into a whole MMORPG game rather than just a game about Alizée's dancing. The second single on the album I'm Not 21, was about pride in her underage narcotics and substance abuse. This would be Alizée's last album with Farmer. When asked about their split in Playboy magazine Alizée commented "If Mylène Farmer doesn't like it, she can kiss my black ass!"
Psychédélices[edit]
Psychédélices was Alizée's first album after her split from Mylène Farmer, who was revealed to be Alizée's former secret lesbian lover in the song "Mon Taxi Driver" which translates to "My Titty Driver." The main focus of this album was the dream of living in the 1960s where it was ok to have a "gay old time" while shooting up LSD. The song Lilly Town talks about a euphoric trip to a town situated in a lily flower whilst it's towns people get high off of it's pollination. Other songs on this album generally had the same theme which is why it became a commercial success in France making it one of the highest selling albums in French history. The only issue critics and fans alike had with this album was the fact that there wasn't enough drug references.
Une enfant du siècle[edit]
Une enfant du siècle - "A child of the clitoris" was supposed to be an album honoring Alizée's mother. Not much is known about this album since the lyrics are incomprehensible in any language. Mostly songs consist of guttural clicks and sounds that sound like an alien giving birth which critics claim to be a reference to Alizée's own conception and or creation.
5[edit]
5 is currently the album Alizée is working on while in Azkaban Maximum Security Prison. The title is believed to be the number of people that she was convicted of killing with the most recent being her ex-husband in which lead to her arrest.
Personal Life[edit]
In late 2003, she married Jérémy Chatelain, otherwise known as "Lucky Bastard." After her marriage to Jérémy was made public, men around the world began clawing their faces into pulps, women regained their husbands, and Keanu Reeves shed a tear. Divorce rates around the world declined by 45% and suicide rates among men went up by 60%. Although this put Jérémy in great danger, causing Moammar Gadhafi (who eventually committed suicide for not being able to be Alizée's girlfriend) to declare him "more of a nuisance than NATO" as well as cuasing Mafia boss to place him on their hitlists, it was decided that it would be a sin to make Alizée unhappy, and Jérémy's life was saved. Even today Jérémy is not accepted by followers of Alizée, he has a respect rating of that similar to Justin Bieber or Rebecca Black. In her free time, Alizée enjoys pancakes, pina coladas, long walks on the beach, hunting fairies, and training her daughter to succeed her as Head Vixen of the Universe, continuing the role of Perfect woman in the family lineage. It has been recently discovered, Jérémy Chatelain is the closest thing to the French Women species.
Before Jerm's Alizée had a boyfriend name Dick Hertz. After a month of dating Alizée caught Dick in bed with a German lederhosen tailor named Jack Hoff. Alizée was so disgusted by this she took Jack Hoff and ripped off his big German shmushtel. Jack Hoff was then immediately forced to listen to Mylène Farmer causing him to die within 7 days due to extensive brain hemorrhaging. The French Police Department could find no evidence of Alizée's involvement. It is also rumored that Alizée was fed up with being fed up and scared them away, but FUCKUP (The French Unified Company of Kinky Unintelligent Police) has denied this claim. No one knows what happened to Dick Hertz's body but it is assumed that he is the dead fairy fused onto Alizée's back. Surprisingly; Alizée has stated many times that she did in fact like Dick better than Jérémy but she couldn't stand to have a fairy superspeedo gaylord boyfriend which is why she is no longer with Dick. Consequently, this would eventually lead into Alizée's deep hate of fairies, especially Tinkerbell (love hate relationship really). Also Alizée has made comments to the press concerning Jérémy's small Shmushtel which is why Alizée very rarely lets him get funky with her! It is said by many that the only time Jérémy got anything done was when the couple had their first child together. Alizée wears the pants in her relationship, Jérémy just cleans 'em. Alizée is known for coining the phrase "he still didn't know where to put it!" in reference to her husband.
In 2009 Alizée had an altercation with then French President Nicolas Sarkozy at an underground dog fighting compound. After Alizée's dog won and Sarkozy refused to pay up, Alizée took out a 12 gauge and killed him before stealing all his money and car. Not long after Alizée declared herself Queen of France in which she ruled with an iron fist for 3 years. She was forced to step down in 2012 when a UN humanitarian operation threatened to end her regime. She was succeeded by current French President François Hollande. To this day respected world leaders such as Kim Jong-un praise and condone Alizée for the impressive leadership of her country and people for the 3 years she ruled. Alizée and "Jong-unster" (as she calls him) are still great friends, frequently seen shoe shopping together in Paris.
After the end of her rule Alizée frequently told press of her flamboyant crush on President Barack Obama and her urge to "meet him." This is why Alizée left Jérémy and his skank ass to pursue the man of her dreams. In Gay French Men Weekly, Alizée issued the following statement: "I went and left that small hoe for me some big black ass, what .. what, a girlz gotta eat yo!" Alizée was then frequently spotted stalking The President which had the United States Secret Service very worried. This led to Alizée's accidental arrest following the Boston Marathon Bombings in which she was the prime suspect. When asked where she received her stalker training, she replied with both Al-Qaeda and RMJ, a creepy viking fan who was previously trying to kill her and have sex with her body! Following this revelation the French FBI (Frog Beating Inbreds) where able to link Alizée to Jérémy's recent but not so tragic death in which DNA tests reviled a female had sex with his naked dead body. Alizee was sentenced to 20 years in Azkaban Maximum Security Prison where she frequently rapes guards and fellow inmates. Her newest song "Because of the fall onto Jérémy's dead naked body" was written while she was in her cell shanking her cellmate and stealing cigarettes hidden in his ass. "Obama can kiss my black ass" and "Snorting up Farmer Street" (which is a reference to Mylène Farmer) are the second and third singles expected to be released shortly.
See also[edit]
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