Legalism (Christianity)

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“This is my kinda religion!”

~ Oscar Wilde on legalism and it's relation to quantum theory

There are many laws that were invented by legalist Christians, as additions to the core theology. The following is a list of such laws.

The Secular-Legalist's Ten Commandments (in modern English)[edit]

  • 1. You shall have no other gods. That means you must not worship other gods, but you are allowed to worship what they stand for, for example money, power, and so on.
  • 2. You shall not practice idolatry and worship idols or images, unless we the Church grants the particular graven image immunity. Yeah, God is a jealous God but he won't notice it if the whole church is doing it, particularly if it's done in his name. Buy our laminated pocket portrait of Jesus while you're at it.
  • 3. You shall not take the Lord God's name in vain, unless you use it to spite infidels and heathens or unless the word is in the same sentence as "freedom", "democracy", "-given right", "bomb" or "morals".
  • 4. Remember the Sabbath Day: you must work to the death on that day like any other or we the Church shall call you a lazy bum.
  • 5. Honour your parents, and tell them to give plenty of money to the local priest, minister, or pastor to honour them. God will bless you for doing this. If not, then God is testing your faith. Show your faith! Keep sending in the money!
  • 6. You may kill, but not murder, gay men, infidels, and barbarian heathens. Just say the Holy Spirit made you do it and you'll be fine.
  • 7. You shall not commit adultery, unless you are a priest, minister, or pastor, in which case God forgives. Amen.
  • 8. You shall not steal, except from the congregation or hoi polloi. You are also allowed to sell crap and steal from the religious masses in the church, if we the Church sees it fit.
  • 9. You shall not bear false witness, unless in the name of the Church or the politician the Church endorses. Or if you claim the Holy Spirit told you not to and that you interpreted the vision wrong. God forgives, brethren and sisters.
  • 10. You shall not covet what other people have. That's you, stupid, lazy welfare-leeches. Don't even look at my yacht -- it's my God-given property -- and none of my tax money will go to you via the sinful communist government agencies. Hi, I'm Tom DeLay. Remember to vote for me in November.
  • 11. Thou shalt become a pedophile, especially if thou art a catholic disgust, THOU shall fucketh thy child in their asseth.

The Ascetic-Legalist or Damian Boyle's Addendum[edit]

  • 1. You shall not be gay, nor shall you endorse the quality of being gay. This refers to both homosexuality and happiness. Suffer, and be miserable, and you will feel like you are living a righteous life, regardless of whether you actually are.

Christianity for Dummies[edit]

"So let's go through this one more time. Christianity is an easy religion. It can be summed up in 4 words. 4 simple little itty-bitty football-player sized words: "Don't Be a Dick." Amen. That's it. Don't be a dick. Thou shalt not steal-because that would make you a dick. The meek shall inherit the earth what they're bloody well given. And be thankful for it."