Cyborg Judas

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
(Redirected from Cyborg Jesus)
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“It's not a motorcycle, it's Cyborg Judas baby.”

~ Oscar Wilde on how Jesus got to California

Original diagram Jesus used to construct Cyborg Judas.

How It All Began[edit]

The person known to history as Cyborg Judas was originally discovered by Jesus while traveling on the road to Samaria. He had been mortally wounded by thieves and left by the roadside to die. Using His skills as a carpenter, Jesus was able to rescue the remaining bits of living tissue from their vegetative state, preserving them in a pneumatic-powered media bath, integrating them with a cyborg body, crafted from parts for Greek Antykathera mechanisms.

Judas the Cyborg Disciple[edit]

Judas's experimental results with making a robotic Pope

Cyborg Judas became one of Jesus' most devoted disciples, accompanying Him wherever He went. Cyborg Judas was present when Jesus overturned the money tables in front of the Temple on the Mount. Closely observing Jesus' actions, Cyborg Judas accurately calculated the direct financial impact of the lost revenue and predicted the immediate effects on the Jerusalem Currency Exchange Market. Impressed by this mathematical feat, Jesus reprogrammed Cyborg Judas to be his Chief Financial Disciple or CFD.

At another time, the Pharisees asked Jesus about His opinion on taxation. Jesus, upset by the prospect of paying exorbinant taxes to the Roman government yet wary of attracting the attention of the authorities, consulted his CFD. Cyborg Judas counseled that as the head of a religious group, Jesus would qualify as a non-profit organization. Pleased, Jesus returned to the Pharisees and replied: “Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s.” (Matthew 22:22)

The Last Supper[edit]

Cyborg Judas’ place in history was cemented as the result of a little known tradition among the disciples known as Boys’ Night Out. On one particular evening, the disciples had consumed more than their average amount of wine. When the bill came to the table, it was discovered that the tab had exceeded the organization’s recreation budget by 30 silver shekels. Arguments quickly broke out among the disciples over who should cover the additional cost. Jesus openly declared: “One of you will betray me!” Peter, rather than cough up his share of the tab, even denied he knew Jesus three times.

Cyborg Judas (rear) poses for a publicity shot moments before the Last Supper. Shown left to right are disciples Peter the Cat, St. Lister, and St. Head of Smeg.

Perplexed by the group’s bickering, the ever-logical Cyborg Judas stood up and volunteered to solve the problem. The group settled down and went to sleep, but Peter stayed awake, still angry over the argument. Suddenly three Roman soldiers burst in the door. Peter sprung from his seat sword in hand, but Jesus held him back, declaring, “Those who live by the sword shall die by the sword.” As the soldiers prepared to take Jesus away, Cyborg Judas arrived, 30 pieces of silver in hand, to settle the tab.

The Gospel of Cyborg Judas[edit]

Cyborg Judas' betrayal of Jesus was the result of a fatally flawed programming error. Jesus had designed Cyborg Jesus to keep the disciples' finances in the black. However, He did not realize the extent to which Cyborg Judas was willing to go to accomplish his mission. Ultimately history only remembered Cyborg Judas as a Machiavellian cyborg instead of a loyal and caring disciple. Of course Cyborg Judas' contribution to Christian theology is of paramount importance. The recently discovered Gospel of Cyborg Judas reveals if Jesus had not programmed Cyborg Judas to betray Him, His death and resurrection would never have taken on the meaning that they have. This leads to a disturbing theological problem; don't fucking trust robots!

The Next Generation[edit]

The upgrade from Cyborg Judas to Cyborg Jesus featured this cool tracking and targeting system.

Anguished over the loss of his master, Cyborg Judas attempted to commit suicide by hanging himself. When that proved impossible because the cybernetic circuitry kept him alive, he threw himself into the Dead Sea. The high salinity of the water shorted out his positronic network but the water-proof casing of his hard drive preserved the software for future generations. Centuries later, the remains of Cyborg Judas was discovered by a time-travelling scientist named God. God took Cyborg Judas' remains back to the future with him and used the technology to build a new cyborg which was named Cyborg Jesus. Then God sent Cyborg Jesus back to the time of the original Jesus, where he emerged from Jesus' tomb three days after He was killed to seek revenge on the Roman Empire.