Attention Deficit Disorder
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Article written in the style of its subject This article is written in the real or imagined writing style of its subject. If you do not find it funny, it is probably because you are the type who needed this explained to you. If you still do not find the article funny, that is surely because a joke loses its humor when it is explained. The authors sincerely hope that you will pick up your game and laugh without prompting in the future. |
Attention Deficit Disorder also called ADD or ADHD since they're basically the same thing, is a serious mental illness that affects millions of people and did you see 24 last night? Bauer was on the helicopter landing skid and was all, "I'm not gonna let you blow up that bomb!" and he was all pow-pow-pow! and the pilot was like "Oh dude don't shoot me! I loved your dad in McCabe & Mrs. Miller!" and Bauer was all like, "That was Warren Beatty, raghead!"
Sorry, what was I saying? Oh, right, ADD is wicked bad, and it makes life a bitch for people, kind of like how cancer affects a lot of people. Only cancer kills people. Like my uncle. My uncle wasn't killed by cancer though. He was killed in 'Nam back in the 70s. He really liked disco music, like the Bee Gees. "Stayin' Alive" was his favorite song, which I guess is kind of ironic. It was in that movie "Saturday Night Fever", which I suppose is probably a totally different illness. I think I had Saturday Night Fever once, but the VD clinic gave me a penicillin shot, at least he told me it was penicilin, but it tasted just like Pixie Stix. I had to get the shotafter a night out at a bar, and I saw this chick, and she was wearing one of those Abercrombie and Fitch shirts.
Have you ever seen the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog? That's about the closest thing to child pornography you could get legally. Pornography is disgusting. More disgusting even than my grandma's feet. She has all these corns and bunions and stuff. I don't know why they call them corns, really. Do you get them from eating a lot of corn? My mom really likes corn. She eats creamed corn, and corn on the cob. She really like corn on the cob on the barbeque, like we had at the last family reunion, but I coldn't eat much because the Ritalin makes my mouth teeth fall out.
My sister beat my aunt in the horseshoe competition we always have; or should it be had? The conjugation of the english word "lay" always confused me. I was at a website once and they had the conjugation for like shakespearean english, 'He layest up on brow whilst I passeth darts unto the christmas tree'. My aunt beat my sister at darts at our Christmas get-together. I love Christmas. Especially when there's snow on the ground, because then you can make a snowman and snowballs and have a snowball fight. When we were kids, we used to have snowball fights, and my cousin got hit right in the eye with one. He had to wear an eyepatch for a couple of weeks. We called him a pirate. Did you see that movie "Pirates of the Carribean"? That was pretty cool. Johnny Depp was awesome. I really liked him in Edward Scissorhands, too. That movie also had that pretty Winona Ryder chick who stole all those sweaters that one time. You'd think rich people wouldn't have to steal. The pharmacy didn't have my Ritalin prescription filled on time. Or maybe they told me the correct time and I went there a day early; since I lost my Palm Pilot, it's been hard to keep track of anything...
My uncle, not the one that was killed, is kinda rich. I think he steals cable TV, though. They have commercials on TV talking about how that's stealing, but it's not like robbing a bank. The bank has a lot of security cameras and stuff like that. I like to make faces at the cameras sometimes. This one time, I went into the bank and stole a pen. It had one of those foam grips on it. I gave it to my grandma because she also has arthritis, and they don't hurt her hands so much. One time I hurt my hand when I cut it with a razor. I dont know why I even have a razor, because I don't shave. I shave my dog about once a month, though, when his fur gets long. That pisses him off. You know what pisses me off? Midgets. They're so short. Wee Man's a midget, but he's cool because he skateboards. I tried skateboarding one time and I hated it. When I was a little kid I used to really hate raisins. Did you know that the French word for grape is raisin? So what do they call raisins... Anyways, grapes are my favorite fruit... I like grape ice cream too. Speaking of grapes, have you ever seen a sumo wrestler?
Anyway, what was I saying?
Oh, yeah. ADD is really bad.
Yeah, ADD is... Hmmm..... Two... Three... Four... Fi--... BLARGL
There are 120 TILES in my wall! COOL! Wow, cool I love Nintendo. SONIC SONIC SONIC SONIC SONIC. That was my moment of ADD. And now on to the introduction. Wait- wasn't that the introduction?
Occurrence[edit]
The ADD virus has been found to occur in the third and one third trimester of pregnancy. At this point the unborn fetus gets kidnapped by ninjas and taken to the nearest Best Buy where it is forced to act out 20 different television shows at once. This sometimes burns the retinas of the child and any unprotected skin they have and causes a miscarriage, but when it is successful the baby is then found to have a severe case of ADD.
In neighborhoods where there are nuclear reactors, ADHD is also much more common. This is probably due to having extra eyes and possibly heads that might distract the local residents, not to mention others.
Diagnosis[edit]
In order for the ADD virus to be diagnosed, an annual checkup with your proctologist is recommended. Several tests will be administered including the cloud test, in which the patient is given a book and a picture of a cloud. If they try to look at the cloud while reading the book, he or she is usually diagnosed with ADD. Alternatively, if they don't look at the cloud, they are almost always diagnosed with Autism. We thought my father had ADD, but he was really in love with the lawnmower. We had a riding lawnmower. I once changed the spark plugs on it, which was difficult because it was an electric lawnmower. I also have an electric razor. And one of those razor cell phones. But I dropped my Moto Razor in a pond. It scared the fish. I like to fish. I caught a sting ray once on accident in the ocean. The Gulf of Mexico has the best beach area, but the Pacific ocean has better waves. Unless there's a hurricane. I went surfing in a hurricane once. My mom was so pissed. She gets mad about a lot of stuff like when I started singing that Beetlejuice Dayo song during mass when we were supposed to be singing In Excelcis Deo. Deo means God. God seems like a pretty decent Being. Sometimes I think about being a rocketship. When I was little I wanted to be an airplane. My college doesn't offer any majors in becoming an airplane though. Just boring stuff like English. My English professor likes science fiction and comic books. I have a lot of comic books. Spider-Man is my favorite. I thought I was a superhero once. Turned out I couldn't fly and broke my arm. But I got this really nifty cast, so that's okay.
What were we talking about? Hey look, a chicken!
Suggested Cure[edit]
High-speed motorcycle riding without wearing a helmet is a proven method for curing ADD or ADHD. One can also play the Nintendo Wii and enjoy it. SONIC. MY favorite character. For some strange reason, people who have ADD tend to like Nintendo. I don't know why. When I read this article, it said. Well, I don't have ADD so how should I know. I have ADHD. Just kidding. Well, back to playing SONIC UNLEASHED again. CHAOS CONTROL. POWER OFF.
PETA[edit]
PETA, or People for the Ethical Treatment of ADD victims, is a worldwide organization that struggles to help victims of the ADD virus. While many simply throw the ADD children in the river hoping to rid themselves of their newborn burden, PETA takes in these children and raises them as their own. There are also rumors of a false PETA organization (see PETA) that concern themselves with eating animals. I like animals. Especially cats. Cats are nice. My friend had a cat once. It always got into fights. I got in a fight once. It was in fourth grade and I lost. I had to go to the hospital. The doctor said my arm was broken. The cast was too hot, like burned toast. Anyway, it's a well known fact that the PETA is a bunch of loonies and should be ignored. I don't like being ignored. It makes me feel sad. Like one time at the zoo, a monkey threw its shit at my brother, but I wanted it to throw the shit at me because I was throwing rocks at it. I like to skip rocks on a lake, but I don't like to swim in a lake because there are leeches and tiny evil fish in lakes. What was I saying? Oh yeah, the PETA sucks.
ADD in history[edit]
First Case[edit]
The first recorded case of ADD was in A.D. 2101 when war was beginning. However, in a massive time warp caused by the interference of two black holes, the sufferers of ADD were sent back to B.C. 2724 to spread the virus.
The Bubonic Plague[edit]
It is a well-known fact that all throughout history, children who have been found to have ADD were often left on the streets to die. When a Portuguese baby infected with ADD was abandoned in a merchant vessel in the mid 14th century, the virus quickly spread to the rats on the ship. When the ship landed in England, the infected rats ran off into the streets of all of Europe and the ADD virus quickly spread.
Chaos and confusion was rampant as the ADD virus (known as the Bubonic Plague in this time period) tore through the streets. When good people could no longer focus on their chores for the day, they became insane and sick with madness. It is estimated that more than 200 million victims perished like dogs from this horrible virus.
Types of A.D.D.[edit]
WOW A.D.D.[edit]
WOW A.D.D., or World of Warcraft Attention Deficit Disorder, is a horrid condition that affects millions worldwide. Symptoms involve creating mass amounts of characters on a single World of Warcraft server with a new character every week. This usually leads to never obtaining a character past level 20, and often resorting to creating dozens of rogue characters on both the alliance and the horde. The results of this condition 97% of the time lead to heart attack and stroke, while the other 18% mysteriously vanish into obscurity as they realize they have disrupted the space-time continuity by adding up to 115%.
WoW A.D.D[edit]
WoW A.D.D., or Willy on Wheels Attention Deficit Disorder, is when someone tries to edit Wikipedia or use it for their school project and then starts moving pages around because they're bored and start looking at swords. Swords are pretty cool. One time, my dad was gonna get me a sword, but then eBay like blew up. eBay is kind of like iPods. iPods are evil. Evil's pretty cool and all those guys have black suits and armor and stuff like that. But nobody wears armor anymore and nobody knows whether it's "armor" or "armour". People with armor usually have swords, too. Some people look at swords on Wikipedia when they're trying to do their school work.
Note[edit]
If you read this whole article, congratulations! Now, did you scroll down to the bottom of the page without reading the article? You did? Well, you probably don't have ADD. I do have ADHD and it sucks. People say I talk too much. I don't understand why though... I like Nintendo a lot. I beat Super Mario like fifty gazillion times. That's a really big number. Bigger than a googol which is a 1 with a lot of 0's after it. IT was a really cool Stephen King movie. There was this Clown. I was a clown for halloween in 5th grade. Halloween is a cool holiday that involves lots of toilet papering, smashing pumpkins, and eating lots of candy while getting yelled at by your parents if they catch you. Can't catch me. I'm really super fast. I can do a mile in like 5 minutes. I can hold my breath for 2 minutes almost underwater! I love swimming. I like to stay underwater and pretend I am a dolphin. Dolphins are cool. Their only work is to do tricks for fish. What an awesome job! I should be doing work. I have this cool job. I forget what I do, but it's super cool! What was your name again? Penguins are cool. So are the B-52s. Rock lobster, anyone? That wouldn't hold up in court, no sir, it would not. What wouldn't you do for a klondike bar? I wouldn't do a penguin. No, I take that back, I would do a penguin, regardless of whether or not a klondike bar were being offered. You know, I have really really minty breath. It's like that time when I played paintball, and I shot this guy in the face, but he hit me with an axe. Axes hurt you know. But not as much as those things, you know, those things. The things that you get poked with and it burns. Like fire. Fire is hot. Pamela Anderson is pretty hot too. Oh look, a chair! It's made of wood. Like trees. I climbed a tree once. I died, but I got better. It must've been because I got distracted whilst climbing, but it's not as if I have ADD or anything. ADD is bad. You get all distracted and sidetracked all the tim-KITTY! Kitty kitty kitty! It's a Kitty and it's shiny,like a sword. I have a sword, it's cool and I can swing it around and be like the cool kids and I'd cut down that damn tree and then I'll climb another one, those leaves look tasty so I might eat some, you know California has nice beaches, I should go there.
Important Things To Remember About ADD -It affects thousands of people -Cats attack those with ADD -Cats are assholes -People with ADD will end up being happy about it and scream something like "HEY! Look at me! I am mental!"
Quotes about ADD[edit]
“We'll fight them on the beaches, we'll ... hang on, did I just say beaches? YAY! I haven't been to the seaside in ages. I'm going to get my swimming trunks!”
“Damn the torpedos!! Full spee... whoa, look, a cloud!!!”
Not to be mistaken with[edit]
- Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
- Parkinson's
- Shiny
- OCD
- Asperger's Syndrome
- Autism
- Self Promotion
- Dungeons and Dragons
- TV
- Twenty-Eight and a half but not all of a half. No, just that. Three. Yeah. Ywoh!
- Eight
- Hey, eight is a funny word. It's like--eight. It just jumps out of your mouth. Just like--blegh--eight. Woah! Blegh is funny too! Hey, what was I doing again...