- "Hell" redirects here. For other uses, go to Scotland.
“I went in and they asked me if I had any reservations. I said "Yes, with the decor, the service and probably the food as well. But I still want to dine here!"”
Hell is a themed holiday resort in the core of the Earth run by Satan, and advertised world wide in The Bible. Famed for its brilliant food, large share of the package holiday market, and its rivers of magma, it is the choice of retirement location for billions of
heretics dead people retirees, as well as a temporary location for most politicians and lawyers.
In the 1990s, Hell's fortunes declined as competitors copied its concepts and holidaymakers demanded more sophisticated offerings. Satan hired a famous PR firm to help restore public opinion, but the effort was largely unsuccessful. Satan then pulled Walt Disney away from his poolside cabana and comissioned him to completely redesign Hell.
Disney aimed to change Hell "from a holiday village resort to a services company". Hell took over a chain of French gyms, launched bar/restaurant complexes, opened Club Hell in Las Vegas and Montreal and commenced a budget resort concept aimed at young adults, Extreme Hell with its first resort in Los Angeles. Thirteen additional budget resorts were planned for the new century. So far, Hell has refused to answer any rumors of hiring Donald Trump to run for president, or the rumour that they have created another required math for students.
Heck is a cheaper, less interesting version of Hell inhabited almost entirely by bureaucrats. Heck was originally created by Satan to serve as a filing cabinet. He converted it to its current use when all the bureaucrats who ended up in Hell (i.e. all bureaucrats) started to seriously cramp his style.
The change in strategy was not successful and Hell fell deeply into loss in the the late nineties. In 2000 a new CEO was appointed and a new strategy was announced, returning to a focus on the traditional values that had made Hell so popular in the first place. Club Hell was closed in Las Vegas; though it would be reopened in 2000. Satan announced widespread layoffs and cancelled all corporate expense accounts. From 2001 on, the resort company worked to rebrand itself as upscale and family-oriented. Hell returned to profit in 2005.
In 2006 and 2007, Hell and its partners dedicated a total of $530 million to renovate and revamp the group’s portfolio of offerings. Fiscal year 2006 saw Hell close several sub-levels with the savings reinvested in newer, more promising ventures. The strategy has already paid off for Hell and in 2007 three new "themed" levels of Hell were opened.
In 2008 Hell launched a new advertising campaign “Go To Hell.” More than 25 million euros were invested to roll out this new creative concept in 24 countries worldwide. Marketing experts herald this as the most innovative advertising campaign ever devised.
Expansion and Gentrification
In 2001, Satan decided that to reach the full market potential Hell would have to expand. Several more Extreme Hell resorts were opened in London, Seattle and New Jersey as well as two new Club Hells in New York and Mexico City. Satan has promised that by the end of 2012 there will be a Hell of some form in every continent. With this aggressive new strategy Hell's stock market value has risen exponentially making many catholic priests very, very rich.
The target clientèle has also evolved. Originally attracting mainly singles and young couples from the social fringes, Hell has become primarily a destination for upper middle-class families as well as yuppies. Long gone are the days when Hell was exclusively for the drug consumers and purveyors of pre-marital sex. These days it's almost impossible to walk through Hell without tripping over children or being accosted by lonely soccer moms, and rich hipster are all over the place, constantly cheering about whatever they find across the shitty streets. Several critics have expressed a longing for the "glory days" when Hell was a place to smoke cigars and drink fine scotch (activities that were banned in 2003 in an effort to make Hell more "family friendly") and predict that unless action is taken, Hell will collapse into itself when the "family values" trend ends.
Here are the various districts contained in Hell.
- Limbo (skittles river in heaven), by the beautiful river Acheron, easy to lose track of time here, notorious for its insect problems.
- Sin City (virtue's acropolis in heaven), the capital of hell; notable resident include Satan, Santa Claus, Hitler, and AC/DC's Brian Young, though nobody has quite figured out how he got there.
- Lust Lane (chastity canyon in heaven), the red light district. Enough said. (well perhaps it is one of the best places here in the very least, as you can have eternal sex with he/she you think is the grossest being in the universe.)
- Gluttony Grove (temperance tower in heaven), restaurant capital of the region, many places to eat, but famed for its terrible stormy weather, and its corpulent population bestowed with bodies over 230 pounds heavy.
- Avarice Avenue (charity canyon in heaven), a particularly rich district, good public transport on massive bags of money eternally pushed by residents.
- Wrath Wellspring (peace plains in heaven), a dangerous place, constant violence, although good entertainment to be had betting on fighters.
- Sloth Stateside (diligence dale in heaven), an empty room where all you can do is look at its, well, emptiness, just like as you have been lazy in your lifetime on earth.
- Pride Park (humility harbor in heaven), it's a lovely park with flowers blooming to their best, but when you look closer, you see that everyone relives their most humiliating experiences over and over. Oh, and everyone is naked here.
- Envy's Esquinita (kindness kame in heaven)- it's the smallest street in Hell (hence the name), and famous for its claustrophobic citizens who are, well, jealous of everyone else because they all have something they don't which is, obviously, personal space.