Mother Teresa

The Slutta froze in the chilling winters of Calcutta.

Mother Teresa (26 August 1910 – 5 September 1997), or "The Slutta from Calcutta" to her college friends, was a star of several "nunsploitation" films and competed in the "Albanias greatest Love-machine" competition every year of her tragically short life.

Born Teresa Smith in Bolton she had a tough childhood after her parents disowned her and sold her to a Kosovan soldier of fortune. At the age of 12 she moved back to Britain, only to realise that she had taken a wrong turning in Trieste and had ended up in Calcutta. It was here that she contracted her hideous wasting disease that marred her few remaining years.

Biography

After having realised her potential as a MILF Casanova in a sordid episode involving semolina and sausage pie she established herself on the Indian party scene. It was passing a fairground stand for the competition in Uttar-Pradesh that she first entered "Albanias greatest love-machine". Although she never won, this persistence won her the acclaim of millions around the world, and the respect of several major politicians.

She ended her life with many unwanted children living in and around her home in Calcutta (a feeble claim has been made that this was an "orphange" but all respected scientists have concluded that these were her own children, a result no doubt of her competitiveness in AGLM. It has also been speculated that the children were young'uns that Teresa had singlehandedly saved from abortion by aborting them and keeping them as gardeners and maids. At 24 she had suffered more than most from the aging disease that wracked her and died in monstrous agony and terror in the middle of the Calcutta knife factory (that was mysteriously...exploding at the time). Her carcass was sold to an organ grinder's monkey for 300 bars of gold-pressed latinum.

Although uglier, shorter, kinkier and hornier she has often been called Albanias Diana. In the later pieces of her life, she had an affair with Michael Bolton. Bolton, who escaped sneakily through the front door, is now living happily in the Internet. Later, when asked why he would leave an old nun, Bolton replied "When it comes to sex, she was definitely some kind of mother". He recently discovered Mother Teresa was only attracted to him because of his last name, and is considering changing it to either Hitler or Satan.

Conspiracy theories

Because of her amazing life, she has naturally attracted many conspiracy theorists. Most of these are unfounded and pointless to repeat since many of you may have heard them, a few may need quelling.

1. Mother Teresa is not a native of Bolton in Greater Manchester. This theory is completely ludicrous since it is well documented that one of Teresa's more famous speeches included a littering of idioms such as: "Men do no great things, only small things with great love. ey oop"
2. Mother Teresa was 87 when she died. Well all proof points to the fact that since no one has ever looked as old as her, it must be either God or a disease... actually, it could well be a divine punishment.
3. She gave up hope for world when Diana 'the hearty princess' died, only a week earlier. While Teresa did famously see her as God's way of saying that even vapid blondes who've married well have their place in the whole of creation, Teresa was not, as suggested, killed in a shoot-out with several parazzi.