Niccolò Machiavelli

Niccolò Machiavelli in his princely attire.

“Who are you going to trust- me? Or your lying eyes??!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Thursday explaining to his wife why he's in bed with Niccolò Machiavelli

Niccolò Machiavelli (3 May 1469 – 21 June 1527) was a Florentine political theorist/mastermind and quintessential renaissance free-thinker. After writing "The Book" showing the thinking behind the curtain of ruthless political bastardy, Machiavelli himself would thereafter, ironically, be regarded by his readers as the bastard in question.

Machiavelli spent most of his life traveling around Europe picking up badguyisms from world leaders. These he would later incorporate into his great accomplishment and singular gift to humankind: “The Book.”

The Book is divided into twenty-six chapters, each detailing how to deal with different individuals under varying circumstances. One must keep in mind that at the time of the writing the author was caught up in a east coast/west coast Italian gang war.

What would Caesar do (WWCD)?

Julius Caesar was the original badass, and he kept a helpful diary called Caesar’s Commentaries. In it, he talks about all the women he gave VD while conquering Transalpine Gaul. Noble women could beg him for an hour to wear a rubber, and Caesar teaches you all the tricks to avoid such a catastrophe.

Don’t know what I want, but I know how to get it

Niccolò watches as Metternich and the March Hare interrogate Alice.

Niccolò was having tea one evening at six o'clock when Metternich posed a question-

Metternich opened his eyes very wide, but all he said was, “Why is a raven like a writing-desk?”

“Come, we shall have some fun now!” exclaimed Alice. “I'm glad they've begun asking riddles.--I believe I can guess that,” she added.

“Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?” said the March Hare.

“Exactly so,” said Alice.

“Then you should say what you mean,” the March Hare went on.

“I do,” Alice hastily replied; “at least--at least I mean what I say--that's the same thing, you know.”

“Not the same thing a bit!” said Metternich. “You might just as well say that ‘I see what I eat’ is the same thing as ‘I eat what I see!’”

“You might just as well say,” added Niccolò, "that 'I like what I get' is the same thing as 'I get what I like!' "

`You might just as well say,” added the Dormouse, who seemed to be talking in his sleep, “that ‘I breathe when I sleep’ is the same thing as ‘I sleep when I breathe!’”

“It is the same thing with you,” said Metternich, and here the conversation dropped, and the party sat silent for a minute.

Making an omelet and hiding the broken eggs

It’s difficult to sweep four thousand dead peasants under the proverbial rug. It takes finesse to rule a country with absolute power. To instill fear in the masses, while maintaining an image of benevolence can create many paradoxes. Your goons round up a family of subversives, do you kill just the father? And then let the son live to grow to manhood to yet again challenge your authority? Do you kill the whole family? Is all this killing really necessary? If you're not smart enough to start a foreign war, galvanize the populace against a real or imagined foe, than yes, it will be necessary. You don’t want to be running concentration camps and gulags when you're fifty years old do you?? Then you better get out there and make a case for war, sell some flags, and breed patriotism. You have to simulate freedom for the public before you can enjoy despotism in private. While your reading the next section, one man will be doing just that at his ranch in Texas.

I read The Prince, and Machiavelli knows what he is talking about. Hey, Skilling, be a good chap and pass over a couple more of those Raptor partnership documents, would you?

Got my mind on money, and my money in high-yield junk bonds

You're going to need capital to fully realize your dreams of tyranny. The kind of investors who don’t mind being the global equivalent of drug dealers and smut peddlers. Microsoft, Amway, Phillip Morris, Tyco, and Accenture (formally Arthur Anderson) (formally the Sheriff of Nottingham) are all solid choices.

God wills it!

Religion has always been, and always will be the best vehicle to achieve your aims. The people will always support a ruler who embodies Christian generosity, virtue, and mercy. Think of Jesus Christ, suffering on the cross for our sins. Think of John the Baptist kissing a bunny rabbit on the head. This is the ruler that the people need. And that's where you come in-to pretend to be everything they want while being actually none of the things they want.

Avoid being called a Hitler

Unless you’re Hitler, try to avoid being called a Hitler. I know, I know, Hitler really ruined it for the rest of us. Mussolini was making fascism seem cool until Adolf came along. Keeping the trains running on time isn’t what Hitler means anymore. Now it means being a real anti-Semite dickhead. The Fuhrer, The Leader, Hitler ruined a lot of good names and titles. Thanks a lot, Hitler.

It’s just me against the world, Baby

She's nothing but trouble, move along.

As a prince, one must not anger the Southside Crips. Nor go to Las Vegas and roll with Suge Knight. Do you want to ride or die? You do have a lot to lose, even if you only have one life to live. The prince must smoke chronic in moderation. God is not going to close the gates of Heaven to the prince who knows how to bank his roll. Life is not fair. Killing is not fair either, but someone has to do it. The prince should not be caught on the sneak tip; make sure your posse is deep, and always run down the punk ass police. Shake the dice, now roll them, if the prince can't stand the pain, he'd better hold them.

Feud with Chef Boyardee

When not touring Europe Machiavelli dabbled in the pizza arts. In reference to "The Great Verona Pizza Bake Off of 1521" Machiavelli declared- "the crust justifies the cheese." This drew criticism from many church officials including his right holiness Chef Boyardee, who shot back with "Jesus says no". At this time in history cheese on a pizza was reserved for the upper class only, and an assertion that any serf with six florins deserved cheese on his pizza was considered outrageous. Chef Boyardee declared that anyone eating of "The Pie Machiavelli" was casting their mortal soul into doubt. Machiavelli fired back accusing Chef Boyardee's tomato sauce of apostasy. This began a three year feud culminating in widespread disorder in the city of Venice. The Doge of Venice — Marino Faliero — attempted to intervene leading a coup based upon Machiavelli's principles. It was unsuccessful, and it would be another three hundred years before pizza with cheese would be available to the masses.

Killed in a drive-By crossbowing

Niccolò Machiavelli is lifted from the carriage of Pope Leo.

On May 18, 1527 a carriage with markings of the Medici gang pulled up along side the coach of Pope Leo at the intersection of VIIth Avenue West and XXIInd street. Several gang members were heard to shout- “Surprise Nigger!!” Seven crossbows were fired into the passenger side, Machiavelli was hit five times at close range, one bolt piercing his lungs. After six days of active bleeding with leeches, Machiavelli waned in and out of consciousness, his last reported words were- "talk about the element of surprise!". On the seventh day Machiavelli passed out of this world, and was declared dead. His opposition to Medici rule, and public comments about whether Pope Julius II “shat in the woods” are believed to be the motive behind the assassination. Public outcry over the lack of any police investigation, and the possible collusion of Pope Leo still lingers today.