HowTo:Get away with littering
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Are you fat? So fat you eat tons of food every second? So fat you can't walk seven feet to a trash can? Then this guide is for you![WTF?]
This guide may not be for you if:
- You answered every question with yes[1]
- You are a site admin and cannot bear to view the rubbish below[2]
- You are a hippy and plan to spam the discussion box with "littering's wrong. . . man"[3]
Enough babble. Time to read (gulp) the *cough* guide.
It's not littering if nobody can see it[edit]
Descartes was a great, alright, bearable, slightly smelly idiot when he said
If I can't see it, it doesn't exist LALALALALA CAN'T HEAR YOUUUUU!
Basically, if I were to place a plastic chip packet in a tree trunk in a deserted forest, did I ever do it? Of course I did, but no one is there to complain about it. Problem solved. But if a hippy saw me doing it, they would probably hold a "Littering Kills Puppies" sign and follow me around for a few days until their drugs wear off.
If you are followed by a UBERPSCOANTILITTERHIPPY, you can lose them by distracting them. While they are following you, walk past an abattoir or crack house or something. They will then go and yell at someone else and leave you behind.
It's not littering if it's in a weird place[edit]
If I were to place a banana skin in a bird's nest that's on fire in the middle of Australia or on top of a dancing watermelon, it would be accepted. Basically because anyone walking past will look at it as some excuse for modern art, stare at it for a while and make approving noises like "hmmm, I see". If you're lucky they may even contact the local art gallery. They may give your litter a special exhibition and get art critics to argue about whether the black markings on the banana peel represent your hatred of melons.
It's not littering if you put it in somebody's clothes without them knowing[edit]
Many people get this wrong. If you are trying to stick a cucumber down your best friend's pants, he will probably notice and hit you over the head with it. if he doesn't notice when you do this or makes "oh yeah" approving grunts, he is probably gay. To avoid him noticing, just place it in his pocket or man bag.
It's not littering if you're Chuck Norris[edit]
Chuck Norris doesn't drop litter. The earth moves to accept his rubbish.
It's not littering if you're dressed up as a celebrity[edit]
If you are dressed up as someone like Elvis or that Russian porn star (not someone like Tom Cruise, everyone knows he's crazy), people will not accuse you. Instead they will see it as a fashion statement and try to copy you. You can also use this in conjunction with tip 3: plant litter on unsuspecting fans. If you are Charlie Sheen, throw a few used coke bags down the bra of your prostitute. If you are Britney Spears, dump your youngest baby in the shopping bag of your agent (who will no doubt be poor and begging you for five cents to spend on vodka). The possibilities are endless.
