Laconophilia
“I might have it, therefore, everyone probably has it.”
“It's a little flattering, but mostly creepy.”
“I've gutted men, strangled them with my bare hands, been molested by an eight foot Xerxes, seen untold horrors you couldn't even dream of, and yes it's creepy.”
Laconophilia is the uncontrollable desire to have sex with Sparta.
It was so named because Sparta is in the area called Laconia. When coming up with the name, "spartaphilia" was discarded for fear that the inflicted would immediately start humping the mere word. Thus, it was for safety reasons that laconophilia was chosen instead.
It is rumored that Spartacus was the illegitimate child of a successful impregnation of Sparta or impregnation by Sparta (it is not known whether Sparta is male or female). DNA testing has been suggested, but is impossible as the body of Spartacus has been raped to dust by combination necro-laconophiles.
Signs of laconophilia[edit]
If you or a loved one are experiencing these signs, it may indicate experimentation with or fantasizing over Sparta:
- Always cutting off the phrase "This is..." with the correction, "No... THIS... IS... SPARTAAAAAAA!"
- Have seen 300 more than five times and/or can quote more than five lines from it.
- Inability to have a normal conversation with out referencing something to do with Sparta.
If you witness these somewhat serious signs, an intervention should be planned and bring a tranquilizer gun:
- A poster of King Leonidas on their bedroom wall.
- The urge to visit southern Greece.
- The desire to dine in hell.
If someone is showing these critical signs, they need to see a mental health professional right away, where shock therapy or lobotomy should be expected:
- They masturbate to non-nude scenes in 300, specifically when a man is being kicked down a pit.
- Screaming "SPARTAAAAAAA!" during an orgasm.
- They like running around shirtless with a shaved chest, wielding a long knife, and wearing a red cape over one shoulder.
Causes[edit]
There is still much debate over whether laconophilia is a choice or the inflicted are just born that way and can't help what ancient civilizations they love.
On one hand, there is no such thing as a laconophilia gene, nor is there any actual scientific evidence that suggests it is in any way inherited.
However, many laconophiles will argue that they "didn't just wake up one day and decide to become a laconophile", nor would they want to in this abusive laconophobic society.
Supporters of laconophilia argue that the lifestyle is entirely natural, pointing to the fact that many animal species, such as the Peloponnese Slow Worm, can only be found in Southern Greece, apparently demonstrating that laconophilia is present in nature as well.
Some statistics demonstrate that a child raised by two laconophilic parents are no more prone to become laconophiles themselves than any other child.
See also[edit]
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