Princess Peach

A portrait of the princess. Note how her eyes are wild with unlimited power.

Princess Peach Persica Toadstool (born September 13, 1970) is the queen of the Mushroom Kingdom. She is powerless and overly-reliant on others, with frequent kidnappings by King Bowser of the Koopaia nation, which in reality are propaganda excuses for the ruthless Peach to frequently invade Koopaia territory. Led by Maj. Gen. Mario Tortolini and his brother, Lieutenant Gen. Luigi Tortolini, the feared Imperial Toadstool Army (ITA) is one of the most powerful in the world. She is a super-saiyan dominatrix whose breaths are hurricanes and whose footfalls are earthquakes. She is a commander of the evil video game corporation known as Nintendo.

Early/Late Life

Princess Peach was born to King Tiberius Stalin Toadstool and Queen Zenobia Aryana Toadstool, the most peaceful rulers in the history of the Mushroom Kingdom. They grew and raised her to be a peaceful ruler as a child, but when she was a teenager she fell madly in love with an older human officer in the Toadstool Army. She started secretly seeing him, and he taught her how to fight in their spare time (when they weren't angrily making out, of course). But over time, the young man grew higher in rank in the army, and he and Pauline had less time for each other. This led to a very sad and defining event in Pauline's life about a year later.

One day, while out on border patrol, the young man was ambushed by a gang of illegal immigrant Koopas trying to get into the prosperous Mushroom Kingdom. He was beaten and killed on duty, and the perpetrators were never identified. The Princess was never the same after this incident.

Ascension to the throne

A picture of the assassin.

Princess Peach, 31 years old and grief-stricken by the loss of her lover, became queen of the Mushroom Kingdom on a dark, rainy September 11, 2001. She didn't do much for several years; she merely acted as a puppet monarch for the Council, who "guided her to the right choices", often to their own benefit. Peach's parents both died from poison mushroom intake in what was deemed an assassination; the culprit was found to be a rebellious Koopa nationalist named Koopes who wanted more rights for the Koopa minorities in the Kingdom. This is believed to be what pushed Peach over the edge, into an insane, yet brilliant, revival of the Mushroom Kingdom not seen since King Toady III. She had him executed, and ever since she had a vicious hatred of all Koopas. She enacted segregatory laws against them, and exerted her powers over the Council until finally, on March 17, 2002, she declared war on the neighboring Koopa nation, Koopaia. She started spreading anti-Koopa propaganda and attempted to make herself look like the victim to win over people. She went so far as to change her name to "Princess Peach," despite the fact that she was no longer a princess nor yet a peach.

Leadership

A map of Peach's empire.

Peach's rule is a very belligerent one fraught with military action and discrimination against Koopas and their ilk, but it has also brought a level of prosperity to the kingdom not seen in ages. While her parents' rule wasn't bad, Peach dramatically increased the size of the ITA, increased the level of imports to the country, and even installed her own sister, Daisy, as a puppet queen of the neighboring Sarasaland; thereby increasing her influence in the world even more.

Culture

The culture of the Mushroom Kingdom has thrived under Peach's rule, but at a cost to minority Goombas and Koopas, who are regularly discriminated against. While this is not immediately evident to any passer-by or tourist, it becomes more obvious upon looking at the living conditions and rights of Toads and comparing them to the minorities; Goombas and Koopas are segregated from wealthy and middle-class Toad neighborhoods and put into separate townships. They are still allowed in the same public spaces, but they live at a lower standard at home.

Military

The ITA's finest generals, glorified in this pro-military poster.

After the death of her parents, Peach increased the size of the army by almost 620,000 infantrymen (mostly Toads and Goombas), cavalry (mostly Toads), and heavy artillery (mostly Flying Koopas and cannons) units. She also increased security in Toadyo, the capital city, and used her armies to declare many wars on neighboring nations. While her country started out small, it engulfed the other small countries around it and grew to be a major power. Peach then split her country into different sectors, or "worlds," as she carved her empire, and gave them very creative and original names such as World 1, World 2, etc. These "worlds" were then subsequently divided into sub-sectors, i.e. World 1-1, World 1-2, and so on. This ensured that her country was as difficult to govern as possible, because nobody but her would want to memorize all the provinces she made; thus nobody wanted to have her throne. This tactic wasn't necessarily good, of course, but it all made sense in her head.

The commander of the ITA is Toadsworth Kinoji (キノ爺), adviser to Princess Peach after her parents died. Toadsworth was responsible for the genocide of Koopas in Koopaia in a campaign in 1978, where 30 million Koopas, Goombas, and other non-Toads are gassed, tortured, placed in cruel experiments, beheaded, de-shelled, crushed or sliced in Koopatraz Island, 160 km (100 miles) off the south east coast of Toadyo. Thousands of Toads who opposed Princess Peach's regime ended up in the same fate or escaped to neighbouring Sarasaland, seeking asylum to enter the country.

Industrialization

Princess Peach accelerated the rate of industrialization with enormous five year plans the first in 2008. Under her watch, the Mushroom Kingdom became the worlds most industrialized country. Among the companies founded were US Steel, GM, and Howard Johnson, symbols of the Kingdom's industrial might.

Video Game Appearances

The princess will now have your eyes gauged out for seeing her bathe.

Peach nearly appears in every Mario Bros game ever made. It all started around 1985 when she was the damsel in distress captured by the evil monster Bowser. The game was so popular that Nintendo realized they could cash in on that same plot premise over and over again. In every Mario Bros sequel, Peach ends up being captured by Bowser and Mario has to jump on turtles and eat mushrooms that make him 50 feet tall to rescue her. However, in some games she gets a different role. Like, in Super Mario Bros. 2 you can actually play as her.

Super Mario Bros 2 Controversy

Controversy arose when Peach was represented as an ineffective novelty character in Super Mario Bros 2. Theories on the cause differ, from the game being a remake of Doki Doki Panic to Mario being unaware of Peach's true omnipotent nature and not dreaming of her as powerful. Who dreams about their girlfriend picking vegetables for four hours, anyway?