Mega Man

“I'd like to become human one day so I can finally have sex, but that's none of my business.”
~ Mega Man

Mega Man, as he spends most of his days now.

Mega Man is a blue, humanoid robot developed by Russian scientists in the 1950s. A once-great video game company named Capcom saw this feat in technology and decided to document Mega Man and friends' misadventures, later using these linear notes to develop fictionalized accounts in the form of video games for the NES. The games quickly won over fans who later realized Mega Man had been in too many games. Fast forward more than ten years later, and said fans are whining on how Mega Man's in too little games and how he's being ignored by Crapcom.

The so-called Mega Man fandom nowadays has been overtaken by psychopaths and sociopaths alike with Assburger's syndrome, who somehow still manage to get along with each other despite their serious mental illnesses. You have probably seen robots get kinkshamed or people fapping to Bass; the latter of which is a sign of being a minor.

Cyborg has been publicly known to be a Mega Man fan.

Story[edit]

A very long time ago (almost as long ago as Mima's birth) a strange man named Dr. Who? invented 200X. Nobody knows what 200X is, even though it's stated in the opening introduction of every Mega Man game to date. Alas, Who? could not tell us exactly about his creation, as he died several centuries after; however, fans have speculated 200X is a brand of chocolate peanut butter, specifically "Peanut Butter Ayds." In recent games, 200X has been changed to 20XX, as part of a "same great taste, brand new look" promotional motive.

In 1955, Russia was under attack by possible predator Dr. Wily, who had sought out 7 starving children dubbed "Robot Masters" after undergoing a sex change. A hobo on the street, Dr. Light, murdered an innocent bystander called Astro Boy, then volunteered at his local community college to help native scientists develop a brigade of fighting robots to combat Wily's ragtag band of minors, with Mega Man as their leader. The plan was a success and all seven children got turned into glue or sent to the scrap heap, save for an eighth child, Bond Man, who found a way out of Wily's deal early by feigning a lunch break and relocated to Hollywood, where he would star in a series of critically-acclaimed spy movies.

In 1961, Dr. Wily recruited more kids in need of food to join the Legion of Doom with promises of giving them cookies, and Mega Man & army once again went after them. Not much is known about the actual event, but a known fact about the video game adaptation Capcom produced in 1989 is that it tends to get overrated by rabid fans because "ZOMG DA MUSIC IS SOOOO GOOD AND TEH GAME IS SOOOOO MEMORABLE," which everyone, including most Uncyclopedians, are getting sick and tired of.

In 1962, Mega Man tried to save the world for unknown reasons, but was kidnapped by his sadistic older brother Proto Man, who made him cry by twisting "the ropes." Dr. Light by then had died due to consumption of too much alcohol, and his grandmother Bessie was away in Florida, so it seemed like Proto Man would remain scot-free until Mega Man told the police on him. The Blue Bomber tried to run away from home after that and wound up naked. In A Series of Unfortunate Events, involving a Robot Master who hates children, Mega Man was able to retrieve his clothes. However, what he didn't know but soon learned was that Proto Man had broken out of jail with the help of his cousin Vinnie, and that this TOM expy had his sights on getting revenge, which made Mega Man sad. Fortunately, he did not turn into an emo, but unfortunately he got tortured again by Proto Man. Cyndi Lauper, part of an interdimensional police force called the Reality Police, showed up and put an end to Proto Man's evil big brother fun by arresting him yet again.

In 1966, a World Hunger charity started and Mega Man, along with all these other ~~Robot Masters~~ starving children from across the regions of the Earth, participated. Everything else known about the charity is lost in history, except for what was present in Capcom's account of the events. Historians agree, however, that Capcom simply made up the events of their game to fill in the gap.

Sometime in the early 1970s, Mega Man and his friends packed up their bags and moved to the border of Japan and California. Unbeknownst to them, Dr. Wily escaped from prison and was currently stalking them. When Mega Man heard about this, he went to stop Dr. Wily and the he-she's latest incarnation of poor children. Along the way, Mega Man met Bass, an angsty narcissist who probably makes vanity pages on Uncyclopedia. Some say the reason he's so conceited is because he's mistreated by his designer, none other than Dr. Wily themselves.

In 1973, alien energy came down from earth, thus creating a mysterious power source called "Evil Energy." After Mega Man set out to investigate, vomited while fighting Bass, and forced Dr. Wily to change gender again, he got infected by Evil Energy and went to a party at Princess Peach's castle, shortly before the Princess got convicted of human rights violations. Mega Man loved the party, there were games and cake. However, Peach noticed his purple glow and thought he forgot to rub in his shampoo, forcing Mega Man to take a shower and almost get scarred by the seething hot water.

There was something else done in the late 1980s, but all the true facts we know about that consist of the incident involving a fake police officer as well as meatloaf (not the kind who won't do that for love), and that Bass wasn't present during the duration of it as he was undergoing an upgrade (Wily had actually lured him out of the way by telling him Alice in Chains were playing the Luzhniki Stadium, but it turned out to be a cover band, much to Bass's horror.)

In 1991, everyone contracted the strange disease known as Roboenza, but they were magically able to cure themselves by playing Sonic the Hedgehog. After defeating another horde of hungry children in Africa, Mega Man sadly succumbed to Roboenza himself when he found out Madonna had a cut part in the game, as he was the only person to not suffer from it beforehand. Luckily, Roll had already taken her pills, so she offered to FINISH WHAT MEGA STARTED; however, her pathetic attempt of doing so ended up destroying the world. The earth exploded 12 times. The earth exploded 12 times. The earth exploded 12 times. The earth exploded 12 times. The earth exploded 12 times. The earth exploded 12 times. The earth exploded 12 times. The earth exploded 12 times. The earth exploded 12 times. The earth exploded 12 times. The earth exploded 12 times. The earth exploded 12 times. Only Mega Man and a human friend of his called Otaka survived. And thus ends the Republican party as we know it. (...YOU EEDIOT!!)

The survivors of the explosion (that is, only Mega Man, Proto Man, Bass, and Otaka) moved to Gensokyo after the global catastrophe. The lack of common sense in Gensokyo led Otaka to invent the glorious thing known as "drugs," and she made two types of them: a human equivalent and a robot equivalent, which are interchangeable. People who can take both the human and robot equivalents at the same time are a godsend.

Other chapters in the crazy life of Mega Man include something about Bass dragging Mega Man on a witch-hunt, Roll singing in Singapore while everyone else was driving surprisingly non-self-driving cars, and the cast forming their very own version of Fight Club.

Capcom has released yet another adaptation of a day in the life of Mega Man in 2018. True to form, Mega Man blows up Robot Masters and the city they live in, with no Proto Man or Bass to hinder him, much to the chagrin of many fans. Also during that time, the Cartoon Network, fresh off the boat from passing on Birdman's late night show, created a ripoff of Mega Man. No, it was not TOM. It actually bared the Mega Man brand name, despite containing a tokusatsu wannabe named Aki and his annoying fuck buddy Mega Mini and nothing actually to do with the Russian robot. Capcom immediately sued.

Characters[edit]

Mega Man[edit]

Mega Man is an android who was created in 1955 by Russian scientists with the help of a street-dwelling idiot genius known as Dr. Light. Mega Man, as well as the chocolatey peanut buttery goodness that is 200X, runs on the enigmatic power source AAAAAAAAA! He is good with children and likes animals. He also apparently befriended Eiki Shiki, Yamaxanadu, Reimu Hakurei, and other lolis during his time in Gensokyo. Mega Man notably cannot defeat the badass known as Airman, because the jet turbine resembler lures him in with a football and takes it away right when he's going to kick it.

Proto Man[edit]

Mega Man's sadistic older brother who loves torturing his younger sibling for the fun of it, sort of like a certain space phantom's twin brother. He reportedly wears sunglasses at night "because he can." He almost got away with using "the ropes" on Mega Man, but our hero told the police on him and he was promptly arrested. He now spends his days crying in a corner at Police Academy right next to Guy Gardner in terms of being characters Danne doesn't find hot... at least anymore, in his (Proto's) case.

Bass[edit]

Mega Man's rival, Bass is like Shadow the Hedgehog if he were a robot (I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING), but if that robot were just Debbie Thornberry. A typical day in his life consists of complaining his "father" is gay, blaring NIN and Deftones, and trolling Mega Man and even Proto Man on ICQ to feel better about his miserable little existence. He's still upset Layne Staley is dead.

Roll[edit]

Mega Man's sister, who's also a robot, a bitch, and failed to save the world, resulting in Earth's destruction. She has a crush on Bass, but little does she know Bass prefers Madonna's unreleased punk rock era to her pop stuff, thus he will never go out with her. She's a favorite amongst Pedobear IT trolls. Fans who ship Roll and Mega Man are supporting incest either unknowingly or knowingly; those who are the latter are to be feared.

Otaka[edit]

One of the only sane women in the series, Otaka is a weeaboo and wears glasses. She is actually a self-insert Mary-Sue character created by an underage fangirl in the winter of 2013. Otaka spends her day on the computer playing hentai shoot'em ups and watching SpongeBob SquarePants on TV. She also has a crush on Mega Man. Besides weird LSD video games, Otaka is really good at Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, despite button mashing the entire time, and Advanced Toenail Clipping. She can drink hot sauce, one of the ingredients in her original recipe for drugs, the greatest thing to happen to mankind since canned sliced bread.

Airman[edit]

A fucking badass who you cannot defeat. Airman will tell you this directly to your face if you ever come across him, and you better believe his words, or else you will get an air conditioner to your face. Airman likes to cool up the hot place known as Africa, where most of the starving Robot Masters hail from.

Mega Man

Contents