Mega Man

“Capcom is too focused on Monster Hunter and Resident Evil nowadays, and Russia is invading Ukraine, but that's none of my business.”
~ Mega Man

Mega Man, as he spends most of his days now.

Mega Man is a blue humanoid robot developed by Russians in the 1950s. A once-great video game company named Capcom saw this feat in technology and decided to document Mega Man and friends' misadventures, later using these linear notes to develop fictionalized accounts in the form of video games for the NES. The games quickly won over fans who later realized Mega Man had been in too many games. Fast forward more than ten years later, and said fans are whining on how Mega Man's in too little games and how he's being ignored by Crapcom.

The so-called Mega Man fandom nowadays has been overtaken by psychopaths and sociopaths alike, who somehow still manage to get along with each other despite their serious mental illnesses. You have probably seen Yuuta and Akane get dissed for their "educational values" or 13 year old girls glorifying Bass like he's the next Billie Eilish.

Cyborg has been publicly known to be a Mega Man fan.

Story[edit]

A very long time ago (almost as long ago as Mima's birth), in the far off year of 1955, Russia was under attack by possible predator Dr. Wily, who had sought out 7 starving children dubbed "Robot Masters" after undergoing a sex change. A hobo on the street, Dr. Light, murdered an innocent bystander called Astro Boy, then used his spare parts to help native scientists develop a brigade of fighting robots to combat Wily's ragtag band of minors, with Mega Man as their leader. The plan was a success and all seven children got turned into glue or sent to the scrap heap, save for an eighth child, Bond Man, who found a way out of Wily's deal early by feigning a lunch break and relocating to Hollywood, where he would star in a series of critically-acclaimed spy movies.

In 1961, Dr. Wily recruited more kids in need of food to join the Legion of Doom with promises of giving them cookies, and Mega Man & army once again went after them. Not much is known about the actual event, but a known fact about the video game adaptation Capcom produced in 1989 is that it tends to get overrated by rabid fans, which everyone, including most Uncyclopedians, are getting sick and tired of.

In 1962, Mega Man tried to save the world (further knowledge on why has since been eradicated by a natural disaster), but was kidnapped by his sadistic older brother Proto Man, who made him cry by twisting "the ropes." Dr. Light by then had died due to consumption of too much alcohol, and his assistant Otaka was away in Florida, so it seemed like Proto Man would remain scot-free until Mega Man told the police on him. The Blue Bomber tried to run away from home after that and wound up naked. In a series of unfortunate events (no relation to Lemony Snicket), involving a Robot Master who hates children, Mega Man was able to retrieve his clothes. However, what he didn't know but soon learned was that Proto Man had broken out of jail with the help of his cousin Vinnie, and that this TOM expy had his sights on getting revenge, which gave Mega Man the cutest little sad face. Fortunately, he did not start an epidemic in New York; unfortunately, he got tortured again by Proto Man. Lacey Chabert, part of an interdimensional police force called the Reality Police, showed up and put an end to Proto Man's evil big brother fun by arresting him yet again.

Two Japanese kids named Yuuta and Akane Kobayashi tried to use Mega Man as the mascot for their campaign to save their school, but Dr Wily didn't approve and set out to ruin the festival he was participating in. This episode is so bad that even the creators wish that it had been just about the festival, because carnival games are better than video games.

In 1966, a World Hunger charity started and Mega Man, along with all these other ~~Robot Masters~~ starving children from across the regions of the Earth, participated. Everything else known about the charity has since been also eradicated by a natural disaster, except for what was present in Capcom's account of the events. Historians agree, however, that Capcom simply made up the events of their game to fill in the gap.

Sometime in the early 1970s, Mega Man and his friends packed up their bags and moved to the border of Japan and California. Unbeknownst to them, Dr. Wily escaped from prison and was currently stalking them. When Mega Man heard about this, he went to stop Dr. Wily and the he-she's latest incarnation of poor children. Along the way, Mega Man met Bass, an angsty narcissist who probably makes vanity pages on Uncyclopedia. Some say the reason he's so conceited is because he's mistreated by his designer, none other than Dr. Wily themselves.

In 1973, alien energy came down from earth, thus creating a mysterious power source called "Evil Energy." After Mega Man set out to investigate, vomited all over Bass as revenge for him swearing on his Christian Minecraft server, and forced Dr. Wily to change gender again, he got infected with Evil Energy, turning him into a crackhead, and went to a party at Princess Peach's castle, shortly before the Princess got convicted of human rights violations. Mega Man loved the party, there were games and cake. However, Peach noticed his purple glow and thought he forgot to rub in his shampoo, forcing Mega Man to take a shower and almost get scarred by the seething hot water. Later, evil Mega Man tried to get Yuuta and Akane addicted to crack, but they denied, saying that in Japan, drugs are bad.

There was something else done in the late 1980s, but all the true facts we know about that consist of the incident involving a fake police officer as well as meatloaf (not the kind who won't do that for love), and that Bass wasn't present during the duration of it as he was undergoing an upgrade (Wily had actually lured him out of the way by telling him Alice in Chains were playing the Luzhniki Stadium, but it turned out to be a cover band, much to Bass's horror.)

In 1991, everyone contracted the strange disease known as Roboenza, but they were magically able to cure themselves by playing Sonic the Hedgehog. After defeating another horde of hungry children in Africa, Mega Man sadly succumbed to Roboenza himself when he found out Madonna had a cut part in the game, as he was the only person to not suffer from it beforehand. Luckily, Roll had already taken her pills, so she offered to FINISH WHAT MEGA STARTED; however, her pathetic attempt of doing so ended up destroying the world. Only Mega Man, Otaka and the Republican party survived.

The survivors that weren't lost in the Alex Jones Vortex (that is, only Mega Man and Otaka) moved to Gensokyo after the global catastrophe (no relation to Jim Cummings hating your kind.) The lack of common sense in Gensokyo led such stupid things as the Marvel gang crossing over with Mega Man several times.

Other chapters in the crazy life of Mega Man include something about Bass dragging Mega Man on a witch-hunt, Roll taking up a job stripping for money while everyone else was driving surprisingly non-self-driving cars, and the cast forming their very own version of Fight Club.

Capcom released yet another adaptation of a day in the life of Mega Man in 2018. True to form, Mega Man blows up Robot Masters and the city they live in, with no Proto Man or Bass to hinder him, much to the chagrin of many fans. Also in 2018, the Cartoon Network, fresh off the boat from passing on Birdman's late night show, created a ripoff of Mega Man. No, it was not TOM. It actually bared the Mega Man brand name, despite containing a tokusatsu wannabe named Aki and his annoying fuck buddy Mega Mini and nothing actually to do with the Russian robot. Capcom immediately sued.

Characters[edit]

Mega Man[edit]

Mega Man is an android who was created in 1955 by Russian scientists with the help of a street-dwelling idiot genius known as Dr. Light. Most of his dialogue contains some nonsensical form of "Oh, boy!" or "Wow whee!" He is good with children and likes animals. Mega Man notably cannot defeat the badass known as Airman, because the jet turbine resembler lures him in with a football and takes it away right when he's going to kick it.

Proto Man[edit]

Mega Man's sadistic older brother who loves torturing his younger sibling and destroying fun for the fun of it, sort of like a certain space phantom's twin brother. He wears sunglasses at night because he thinks he's Corey Hart. He almost got away with using "the ropes" on Mega Man, but our hero told the police on him and he was promptly arrested. He now spends his days crying in a corner at Police Academy right next to Guy Gardner in terms of being characters nobody finds hot... at least anymore, in his (Proto's) case.

Bass[edit]

Mega Man's rival and a jealous whiny brat, Bass is like Shadow the Hedgehog if he were actually an android, but if that android were just Debbie Thornberry. A typical day in his life consists of complaining his "father" is gay, blaring NIN and Deftones, and trolling Mega Man and even Proto Man on ICQ to feel better about his miserable little existence. He's still upset Layne Staley is dead.

Roll[edit]

Mega Man's sister who's a bitch and failed to save the world, resulting in Earth's destruction. She has a crush on Bass, but little does she know Bass prefers Madonna's unreleased punk rock era to her pop stuff, thus he will never go out with her. She's a favorite amongst Pedobear IT trolls. Fans who ship Roll and Mega Man are supporting incest either unknowingly or knowingly; those who are the latter are to be feared.

Otaka[edit]

One of the only sane women in the series, Otaka is a weeaboo and wears glasses. When she's not assisting Dr Light with his robotics, she's studying Wumbology or trolling thousands of lowlife artists in chat rooms with her tall tales. She rolls with the LGBT, since she moved to Gensokyo and thus has seen Marisa and Alice's lovegame.

Airman[edit]

A fucking badass who you cannot defeat, and whoever disagrees will get an air conditioner to their face. Airman likes to cool up the hot place known as Africa, where most of the starving Robot Masters hail from. He also believes snow comes from the ground, and hates it when he's not around.

Mega Man

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