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A baptism is what an ordained Minister or Catholic Priest does to scare the Hell out of potential Christians, bending them to the will of their church, and maybe God.


In the Christian mythos, there was a man named Jesus. He insisted that all men under the age of 35 be "baptised", an intensely painful, humiliating experience meant to fill their hearts with dread, and their minds with Him. Village women would stretch out the foreskin of a baptised person to create a tablecloth, on which a light lunch is set. This custom has evolved over eons. Today, they are ritually drowned in the River Jordan (or a reasonable facsimile), sealed up in a cave, and those touched by Christ rise from the dead after three days.


The custom of stretching foreskins harks back to the early Bronze Age, when nomads would get together after a harvest, pillage the local populace, and sacrifice rare "unsoiled goats" (those never been violated by a shepherd). Women were considered ineligible due to their lack of a foreskin.

Archeological digs in the Middle East have produced evidence of experimental baptisms performed on women, substituting nipples and other sensitive body parts. These horrible disfigurements are depicted on a cave in Au Naturel, France.

Baptismal fonts[edit]

Baptismal Whitespace code with syntax highlighting. This code stretches the foreskin.

With the advent of the UTF-8 standard, the Roman Catholic and most Orthodox churches adopted a uniform font for the purpose of baptism. The choice of Whitespace as a programming language to build baptismal compilers is obvious, given the purpose of all religion is to obfuscate and confuse its adherents.

Baptism in an enlightened age[edit]

When it was discovered that the decibel level of a screaming man being baptised caused hearing loss, ear protectors and safety glasses came into vogue. All the young priests and ministers wear them, these days.

The alternative to this procedure is Baptism 2.0, although some critics state it runs on an inferior operating system. This procedure involves submerging a person under water until they nearly drown. The baptised person is only let up for air so the baptist can troll or shout at them until the ritual is finished. Although this action is said to be done with the intent of making the victim participant clean. However, no soap is used in baptism, making the cleaning process ineffective.