Marriage
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is much the same.”
“Mawwiage... is wot bwings us togevvuh... today.”
“Show me a woman who wishes to marry me and I'll show you the Christian God.”
“Marriage is when a temporary annoyance becomes a permanent bother.”
“Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious. Both are disappointed.”
Marriage is a compound word combining "mar" and "I rage". It is also a synonym of torture.
Marriage is supposedly between a man and a woman, but exactly where has not been determined. When we looked, all we could find was her bra and his undershirt and chest hair.
Monogamous marriage is a communist conspiracy designed to prevent successful capitalist businessmen from taking more wives and out breeding the poor.
Marriage is used as a punishment for shoplifting in some countries.
It happens when you have exhausted all other mating possibilities and is mourned at an event called a wedding.
In some cultures, it is considered the biggest leap of faith a grown moron can make.
The utility of marriage is as a way to lock a person into a relationship ("wed-lock") before the skin starts to sag.
In most western countries, this unholy covenant is encouraged due to the mistaken belief it allows for the raising of children with the male ending up paying for the support of the child as opposed to the government or church that encouraged the marriage in the first place. However, the top members of both organizations are exempt from marriage. The priest remains childless while the corporate and governmental officials make enough money to afford extramarital affairs. Its other benefit to society mostly include keeping divorce lawyers well paid.
Marriage is called the bedrock of society, and has been for the thousands of years since Ogg the stereotypical caveman clubbed Bong the stereotypical cavewoman and stereotypically dragged her off to his messy cave.
Marriage permits the young adult to get out of the parents' house without becoming a vagabond. Marriage is inexplicably bound to childbearing, with love occasionally on the side. However, the person who qualifies to be the other parent of your children or vice versa is almost never the same person you thought you loved endlessly; in fact, your spouse has glaring faults that everyone else points out to you. Were it not for marriage, the process of discovering faults in a companion would be much more time-consuming. However, in a marriage, it takes only about as long as it takes to have a couple of kids and argue about diaper chores. Once offspring are present, both spouses seek lovers and divorce generally follows. Then, inexplicably, the entire cycle repeats.
It is also a popular excuse for poor women to dress up pretty and pretend to be princesses. It has been known to make poor women actually become rich by marrying themselves to wealthy old men. See Kanye West as an example of such a poor woman.
Despite all these problems, there are four recorded instances of marriages that actually worked out. However, they all took place in Varpnarplia, a magical, mystical kingdom filled with marshmallow fields, lemonade skies, and talking unicorns that inject dreams into your nervous system while you sleep with their razor-sharp horns. Marriage is also an important part of the immigration process.
Reasons for marriage[edit]
Why get married? This depends on the couple's social class.
- Upper class: People get married for money.
- Middle class: Because the couple fell in love. Realistically they soon get sick and tired of each other and divorce.
- Working class: Because the girl got pregnant, or "knocked up".
- Unemployed: Because they can get more dole money.
- Religious: God will finally let you have sex without the whole Damnation for eternity thing.
- Everyone else: Because men have nothing better to do but to listen to their wives ramble on about all the things they've ever done wrong in life, and women have nothing better to do than spend their husband's money on another pair of shoes they won't wear.
Unusual spouses[edit]
It is quite possible to get married to a non-human spouse, such as the following:
- Hangman's wife. When a man is about to get hung, apparently there is a reprieve if the hangman's wife takes pity on the criminal. This works only if the hangman is ugly, criminal stunningly handsome, a divorce is pending, or its a film being shot.
- Hangman, if the condemned is a beautiful woman, or man if hangman is gay.
- A computer. One cybers so much that the computer becomes sentient and grows peripherals such as artificial vaginas.
- Magical Ponies (especially Fluttershy, that cute pastel Pegasus that takes care of animals).
- A car, motorcycle, or bike. Said to be the second wife.
- A garden hedge, for much the same reason as a car.
- A thetan. For those scientologists, a handsome thetan makes a pretty wife.
- A business. If you own a business, running the business requires your time, love, and dedication. Unless your business makes enough money for you to hire someone else to free up your time. But then you have to spend your time training them and supervising them.
- Jesus. Jesus loves you! Frequently.
Will it save you money to get married?[edit]
A full financial appraisal is outside the scope of this article. However, as a rule of thumb, the married state is astronomically more expensive than the single.
This is actually counter-intuitive due to certain misunderstandings that:
- The single life is one of extravagance, such as clubbing at $200 per night.
- That married couples can save on income tax by better tax rates and a higher standard deduction.
- That it is cheaper for both husband and wife to be unemployed and be on welfare.
In actual fact:
- The wedding itself can be very expensive – costs a lot of money – we are talking at the very least $10,000. Unless it is all very hush-hush and done on a strict budget involving only two witnesses who are invited to a meal at McDonalds. Disney World's "lavish wedding" option includes a ride to the ceremony in the Cinderella coach, costumed trumpeters heralding the couple's arrival, and attendance by Mickey and Minnie Mouse characters dressed in formal attire.
- You are required by law to give a treat to all your friends on Facebook, Orkut and other social networking sites, after the marriage. The list also includes all people who ever visited your institute.
- Not being married and having the higher earning partner file as head-of-household, and the lower earning partner (usually the woman) file as single will usually produce more in tax savings for the couple.
- Then you have a house to buy on a stonking mortgage. On a budget you can expect to put down at least $20,000 for your very own piece of trailer trash.
- The couple may expect to bring up children. In the USA, each child can cost $500,000 until adulthood, more if you intend the child to go to college, and even more if the child graduates and lives at home until the age of 40 and never pays the rent.
- You may be required to buy a new set of bling to match your wedding ring. That can set you back at least 500 grand.
However, the expenses of marriage can easily be recouped by the husband becoming a successful businessman, for example as well-paid crack dealer, pyramid scheme salesman, protection racketeer. Plus he can pimp his wife out.
Due to the US dollar being all weak and flabby to the pound, British live-in lovers should snap up a bargain marriage, by way of cheap flight to Nevada, where there are walk in wedding chapels. Avoiding Las Vegas with a bargepole, and sleeping rough, you can save £9.99 on marriage costs!
Average woman's life cycle[edit]
- Fucks like a crazy slut in college. Gangbangs at frat parties on weekends. Destroys her body by drinking, smoking and lying in the sun to get a nice tan.
- Gets a power corporate job, pumps her fist in the air over grrl power, and fucks more men. One night stands during business trips are normal.
- Suddenly "oh no, I'm turning 30 and must land a husband".
- Contacts every guy from her past, including that guy she rejected in high school, and that Mexican guy she fucked during spring break.
- Wonders why no one wants her bitter, angry, wrinkled ass. Watches "Sex and the City" and reads Cosmopolitan magazine for enlightenment.
- Eventually gives up, and orders 20 cats. Spends the next 50 years listening to the same old sad songs every night as her cats wail in agony. Keeps pictures of herself from her high school and college days to show people that she was once an attractive, young girl.
- Finally dies. Cats rejoice with a feast of her flesh.
Why women want need think they need men[edit]
Well, look at it this way. Iran is on the brink of getting nuclear weapons. How long do you think it will take for them to use them? Three years? Five years? When they do, the result will be a nuclear war, centered in the Middle East. That's where all those sand suckers produce the petroleum that powers the large capacity station wagon you use to haul around your massive brood of welfare recipients in. (see 3rd paragraph of this section for more on this)
And when the whole fragile infrastructure comes tumbling down, you are going to wish to God for a few things. Size and strength. Some kind of practical skill, that's useful. Some kind of safety. Or at least, physical attractiveness, which you can barter with the Mexicans for an oozi or two, as women have done since the dawn of history.
Men are big, small, stupid, smart, short, tall and when push comes to shove, capable of calmly eating a bag of potato chips while watching a horror movie, but most importantly, ummm....hmmmm. Well the alimony can be really helpful. Also, child support and/or life insurance whichever comes first. But most importantly, women should marry as many different men as possible. And even more important, have only one kid with each one because 1 man can't bear the burden of 5 child support checks, but 5 men? 1 check a piece? You're rich biatch!
Why men need want women[edit]
Sex and ironing. Initially the former, the longer the marriage, the more important the latter. Also, some men marry so they can have half the bills paid. Also some men are known to marry because they cannot cook. Most men are, beneath it all, genuinely filthy-minded, perverted bastards, who see marriage as both a legal, and religious, excuse to suit one or more of their sordid, sexual fetishes, as Garfield knows all too well.
Woman's point of view[edit]
After sorting through a myriad of feelings after reading the above, similar to the ones I felt that time my only featured jpeg got voted off the island (smarted enough to make my eyes water), I felt the article could use a more fair and balanced point of view, the woman's.
Window-rattling snoring[edit]
Studies have shown that this is the leading cause of divorce and #3 motive behind murder in most developed countries. Although it's tempting to hate the snorer instead of the snoring, the best way to deal with this is to get a 2nd shift job and sleep during the day. The less time you spend around him, the happier your marriage will be.
Sports[edit]
Thank God for them. Many women aren't aware of the important insights to be gained by listening to what the husband hollers during a football game. When your Miami Dolphins fan foams at the mouth while screaming such things as "YOU FUCKING IDIOTS. YOU ARE SO FUCKING STOOPID!! or "MUTHAFUCKERS. COCKSUCKING WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT" it doesn't mean he's about to burn all his Dolphins baseball caps and t-shirts. Think about that the next time he shouts at you "FUCKING CUNT WHORE BITCH". He's actually on your team. Since anger is the only acceptable emotion for a man to express, this is his way of venting all those confusing feelings without looking like a FUCKING PUSSY.
His mother is a cunt[edit]
It's like one day his father went for a walk, found a toad, kissed it and it turned into your mother-in-law. Although former toads look harmless enough one should never forget that beneath their massive piles of warty flesh beats the heart of Donald Trump.
Porn[edit]
The sooner you realize that the image of a naked woman with 44DD breasts and 12" waist pops up in your husband's head every 3 seconds and makes him want to have sex with you twice a day, the easier it is to only give him sex once or twice a week. Since it's physically exhausting for any woman to look like what the man really wants in bed, you should focus on making yourself happy instead. To satisfy your need for romance, try reading Harlequin novels while envisioning yourself floating through the skies of LazyTown at sunset with Sportacus at your side in his awesome blimp with a fold out sofa in the back surrounded by candles and drinking champagne. But you might still have to force yourself to have sex with your husband every so often just to keep the marriage alive.
Other points of view[edit]
Homosexual point of view[edit]
Marriage is actually not as old as it claims to be, but was in fact invented in the last couple of years by Christians in order to promote the "Hetero Agenda". Although we have a great deal of respect for heterosexual people, we regard marriage between them as inherently wrong, and feel that if too many of these "marriages" are carried out, it will devalue the sanctity of our own civil unions and civil partnerships. Gay marriage is of course OK (except when it comes up for a vote), unless of course you happen to be reading this in one of the Red States in which case the widely held belief that if one man's penis enters another man's anus, the gateway to hell shall open and Satan shall crawl forth from the givers cock and the receiver's anus simultaneously. However, if you are from the red states and some how are reading this, then chances are you have an education and already know that there is not really is a problem with Gay marriage
Asexual point of view[edit]
Meh.
Religious point of view[edit]
The church claims that if one reads the Bible they will see that it is a sin to have sex before marriage and go to hell. This is completely false and just a way to profit off the selling of marriage contracts along with the Government. Trust me, I've never seen that once. Of course I've never read the Bible so I'd know better. Other religions don't give a damn may vary.
Summary[edit]
Marriage consists of a union between two three six umm, two people, each wishing for something that could never happen with someone who doesn't exist but who got married anyway and usually wind up divorced in the end.
It is the biggest bullshit and most money-draining experience one would have the misfortunes to come across if they are so fucking stupid in love. For sex and intimacy, do you really need a wife for that? There are brothels and prostitutes who wouldn't mind to have their pipes cleaned. They may be expensive but at least they don't nag you nor there will be children to ruin your life.
On the plus side, you always have the peacefulness of the grave to look forward to.
Marriage is a twisted, devious plan justified through "religion" in which the devil made up a man named "Jesus" and wrote an overly extravagant story about him and made all who follow this "religion" believe in marriage. Once married, the couple must sign a marriage license, which in reality, is a contract selling their souls to eternal damnation in hell. The devil also made the basis for this religion anti-devil to remove any suspicion from him. Brilliant and extremely succesful plan, but now the reader is in on it.
See also[edit]
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