Smite

God sure hates Something Awful

Smiting is the most useful thing ever created by none other than George Foreman himself. This ancient art form derived from the old way of the life that most Americans practiced in 1952 could help anyone with a problem and some moneys. To name one person with a problem is God. He likes to smite, a lot. By using this tactic, he has kept his place in teh office of God over Ra the sun god for the past couple of earth years. God tends to smite people he hates (for a complete list, read God). By smiting people He hates, people that God likes (but does not love) become happier because they hate the same people as God. So, what ever you do, do not get on the “List.”

Regulations on Smiting

It should be known that smiting has been restricted to only people over the age of 65 and only if they have a license. This insures that who ever you smite really deserves it because you had to wait a really long time before you can. This rule was put into place in 1996 after Bill Gates would not stop smiting people. Lucky bastard.

You got to be careful when smiting.

Forms of Smiting

Through out the ages, man (and many, many women) has created new and interesting ways to smite all that he loves. The first form of smiting originated around 15,000,000 B.C. when Zeus, the god in charge at the time, got mad at a small dinosaur named Alex Trebek, when he refused to acknowledge his answering a Daily Double when he didn't phrase it as a question. Zeus, who was incredibly high at the time, decided to electrocute Willy with 7.8 gazillion volts of electricity. This then became the first form of smiting, electricity. The popularity of smiting continues today with God, the god in charge at the time of this writing, randomly blowing up trees with bursts of electrons.

The Chinese created the second form of smiting for when they did not like a person's face, which was most of the time. This involved filling the victim’s stomach with battery acid and stomping on it viciously. It was much more brutal than any thing any god had come up with, so from the years 643 to 1478 A.D. the entire country of China was elected God. The only problem was that gods tend to have abnormally large egos, and nobody wants to reproduce with a vain prick. This caused a large drop in birthrates and the country is still hurting from a lack of people.

The third type of smiting is the unspeakable. It is so complex and so completely evil that anyone caught thinking about this form of smiting dies from gonorrhea of the brain. It makes me shiver just thinking about thinking about it.

The fourth type of smiting is very young compared to his brothers. In the late 1960’s, the Schoolyard Toy Shortage was at an all time high. Children were forced into having to make friends, sit around, and talk about politics. Then along came the young Santa Claus who saw this monstrosity and addressed it with a new form of smiting. His form of schoolyard smiting includes running around hitting people in the head with a large stick. This form of smiting was outlawed like its brothers in 1983 when Timothy McVeigh got so good at smiting that he killed 23 of his classmates in one lunch period.

The fifth type of smiting is always used against evil. It absolutely requires an absurdly large liquid metal sword, and is generally performed from behind the controls of an excessively powerful mecha by middle-aged samurai from Germany and/or Austria. Often, the unfortunate victims of these smitings are innocent, helpless aliens who simply wish to colonize Earth, or purge it of violence completely and permanently.

The mythical Smitegun

Some people think there is also a sixth method of smiting: using a Smitegun on people. However, this was proven false when the Pope declared the Smitegun to be a silly myth during a speech in 1977.

Lately, Pat Robertson has suggested that God smites people by making them have a stroke, but almost everyone else agrees that God prefers to give people heart attacks, drop a really big rock on their head, or cause earthquakes to destroy their little island.

History of Smiting

Smiting dates back to days of yore, when men were men, women were women, and rank, flea-infested rats and pork were really rank, flea-infested pork. Smiting often occurs when overpopulation is present, such as the "Black Plague" also known as "The Ultimate Bitch Slap". Smiting, while often reserved for the Lord's work, can be done by any one with religious conviction. Smiting began when Able gave the Lord a better present than Cain. And Cain smote Able like the little, goody two-shoed bitch that he was. Cain was punished, or smited, by being banished. Able stayed dead, like the little, goody two-shoed bitch that he was. This was a religious tale with smiting all around.

Another time the Lord was displeased with New Orleans. The Lord said, "Lo unto me, in this time of strife and want that all y'all better do what I say." The people, blessed with wine and crude statues, drank on. The Lord then spaketh, "Oh, Do thou what they want but fear thy divine displeasure. For whosoever displeases me next will be my herald." A guy named Noah then thumbed his nose up to the Lord, and the Lord said, "Noah, I am the Lord thy God, go tell the people of that sin fest New Orleans that I am displeased." Noah, being of strong mind, ran like hell. The Lord then sent a fish to eat Noah. "Bitch," so sayeth the Lord. After being vomited by the fish, Noah celebrated the first to be smited by the Lord in so many years. The Lord then sent his bitch goddess Katrina to smite New Orleans and the surrounding area.

Famous People That Smite

There are very few people known to be able to smite, mostly because the gods hate it when people attain the power to smite. Most smiters stay in the shadows, but a select few have the audacity to challenge all that is good, or at least that which man thinks to be good.

• Darth Vader- Do we really need to say any more?

• Sophia- Not that many Smites: She smites all the poems that don't follow the 5/7/5 syllable rule that people post on her page with a big red stamp. She also does this on Tanka. God, I hate Tanka.

• Spleen-boy- 4 and 1/2 smites, notable due to not really being a real smiting type, yet he does it anyway.

• Ol' Dirty Bastard- His dirtiness is known for being endowed by God to smite hoes who do not pay him. When asked why he has smitten so many skank ass hoes, he eimply replied "God made dirt and dirt bust ya ass."

• Oprah- 1.6 Million Smites: She has racketed up more kills by smiting than a noob team killing in Counter-strike (another thing worthy of being smitten for). The reason that she has not been smitten by the gods yet is because she bought them all cars (and forced them to pay tax without them knowing, I might add!). The easiest way to avoid her smiting wrath is to cover your face with a paper bag while rubbing Dr. Phil’s head. On a surprising side note, Dr. Phil has never smote anything even though he has legitimate licenses for seven states.

• Sagat - Street Fighter combatant Sagat McEyepatchfuck-a-bitch has been known to smite lesser men on many occasions. He smites your momma in bed every night and he makes you watch.

• George W. Bush- 37 Million Smites: We all know that Presidents smite. Even though the gods hate this, it is very hard to smite someone back when you do not want anyone to know you exist. Most Presidents do not realize this power has been given to them until the last couple of minutes in their term. This ironically is the same point in time they realize they can save people from the bowels of a hell we call the United States Prison System. Bush has been the only exception to this (exception: FDR, but he used his power for good. Kidding! The socialist bastard got lucky). Because W.’s father had gone before him, he known all about his powers. Bush, Sr., trying to inspire the evil with in his son, accused George W. of being a “Nansy Pansy”. This pissed off Jr. enough to lie to other countries so he could smite the entire country of Iraq. His future plans are to conquer the world in one fatal swoop by smiting the entire countries of North Korea and France. On a side note, I like French Toast.

"The terrorists will continue to find ways to harm Americans, and so will we."

~ George W. Bush on Smiting.

A Black Mage smiting an unfortunate young man

• Black Mages- 666,001,337,042 Smites throughout history. The last recorded smiting by a Black Mage occurred in 1944, when a Black Mage tried to hold back 400,000,000 Aliened troops and 900,000 Grues. No Black Mages have been seen since 1969, when one climbed on a podium in front of 685,199,708,354,112 people only to be smitten off it by...

• Pete Townshend- 181 Smites. Pete can smite people 20 yards into the air using his guitar. He is also known to smite his amplifier every 10 seconds.

• Killer Wooden Giraffes of Doom - 3.2 Billion Smites and still going strong: Although technically a race and , the Necks have a fondness for smiting anyone who pisses them off. A popular method of smiting is for a Neck to simply devour the smitee in one gulp; other methods are often unique and gruesome, and there has been one recorded instance of someone being eaten from the inside out, a gruesome inspiration for the Aliens movies.

One of Jesus' smiting tools.

• Jesus- 4.5 Billion Smites: Though his legality for smiting is still being disputed in the higher courts, Jesus, as man, has smote more people than any other part-human ever has. Known for his “Throw the First Stone?” technique, where he would ask anyone that had not sinned to throw the first stone. He would then throw the first stone himself because he of course never has sinned. And by stone he meant a huge bolder on the victims head, effectively crushing the spine. While in France, Jesus often used a guillotine to smite instead of a rock because he liked the sound it made. The English most remember him for the vicious rapes and murders of prostitutes. They continue to send Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.

• Oscar Wilde- 47 Smites: Known as the “Slow Devil”, Oscar Wilde was famous for his slow technique. His victims would not even know they were being pulled in to the serial killers trap, and then: BOOM! off with the testicles. Even though he is more known for his quotes, the University of Tulsa gives out a yearly scholarship in Wilde’s name for the most painful kick to the dean’s balls. When asked last year about the legality of his smiting escapades, he replied:

"Just think of the children in Africa that can eat tonight because I removed an asshole's children from ever existing."

~ Oscar Wilde on being asked last year about the legality of his smiting escapades.