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“To err is human, to punish is going to cost you six shillings an hour.”
Divine Retribution is the wrath of God manifested on Earth.
What began as a hobby for God became a full-blown addiction during his first mid-life crises.
Examples of Divine Retribution
- Destruction of Argos
- That pillar of salt Lot calls his wife
- Eruption of Mt. Vesuvius
- Your mom
- The Titanic. Not the ship, the movie. God, that was awful.
- Chuck Norris
- Stepping on LEGO bricks without shoes on.
- Being forced to watch all three -Extended Edition- movies of Lord of the Rings.
- Overly showy gay couples
Excerpts from the Old Testament Section of the Divine Retribution Handbook
- THINE own house where abidest thee and thine family, is the stead whereon Satan shall pee.
- The LORD shall send upon thee cursing, vexation, rebuke, and the middle finger in all that thou settest thine hand to do, until thou be destroyed, and until thou perish quickly; because of the wickedness of thy parallel parking, whereby thou hast forsaken me.
- The LORD shall make the Grue cleave unto thee, until he have consumed thee from off the land, whither thou goest to possess it.
- The LORD shall smite thee with a conflagration, and with a fever, and with an inflammation, and with an extreme burning, and with the sword, and with blasting, and with mildew, and with bigpox, and with the broomstick, and with bad breath, and with indecent sexual urges and they shall pursue thee until thou perishest.
- And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be Jell-O, and the earth that is under thee shall be Velcro.
- The LORD shall make the rain of thine land chilli powder and angeldust: from heaven shall it pour down upon thee, until thou be destroyed.
- The LORD shall cause thee to be smitten before thine enemies: thou shalt go out one way against them, and flee seven ways before them; and shalt be removed into all the countries of middle earth.
- And thy carcass shall be meat unto all pterodactyls of the air, and unto the reptiles of the earth, and no man shall fray them away.
- The LORD will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods, and with the scab, and with the itch, and with the crabs, and with the AIDS whereof thou canst not be healed.
- The LORD shall smite thee with madness, and blindness, and chocolate milk, and total eclipse of the heart.
- Thou shalt grope at noonday, as the teenage boy gropeth with the clasp of an underwire bra, and thou shalt not prosper in thy ways: and thou shalt be only unhammocked and spoiled evermore, and no man shall save thee.
- Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall give it to her butt good: thou shalt build a house, and thou shalt sleep in thy car: thou shalt plant a vineyard, and shalt not gather the capri sun thereof.
- Thy dog shall be slain before thine eyes, and thou shalt not eat thereof: thy wife’s ass shall be violently shaken before thy face, and shall not be restored to thee: thy sheep shall be given unto thine enemies for pleasure, and thou shalt have none to rescue them.
- Thy sons and thy daughters shall be given unto another people for cooking, and thine eyes shall look, and fail with longing for them all the day long: and there shall be no gun in thine hand.
- The fruit of thy land, and all thy labors, shall a nation called Iraq which thou knowest not eat up; and thou shalt be only oppressed and crushed always.
- The LORD shall smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy vagina unto the top of thy scrotum.
- And thou shalt become an astonishment, a proverb, and a byword, an urban legend among all nations whither the LORD shall lead thee.
- Thou shalt carry much pizza into thy dwelling, and shalt gather but little in; for thy roommate shall consume it.
- Thou shalt beget sons and daughters, but thou shalt not enjoy them; for they shall go into captivity, and not the kinky kind, but the iron chains, and dirty slave ship kind.
- The stranger that is within thee shall get very high; and thou shalt have to clean his bathroom always.
- He shall lend to thee, and thou shalt not lend to him: he shall be the head, and thou shalt be forced to chase tail.
- And the LORD shall bring thee into Iraq again with ships, by the way whereof I spake unto thee, Thou shalt see it no more again: and there ye shall be sold unto your enemies for auto and homo erotic entertainment, and no man shall buy you.
Excerpts from the New Testament Section of the Divine Retribution Handbook
- The children of the Kingdom shall be cast into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of little pointy teeth.
- And they crucified Jesus, making him pay up for all the shit talking he had been doing to the priests of the temple. And God smote down lightning on the Romans, and behold the veil of the temple was rent in two, from top to bottom, and from the bottom to the top, and the earth it did quake, and the rocks spilled forth with mad rushing.
- And the graves were open, and zombies of death poured out to devour the brains of the unrighteous.
- I have the keys of hell and death, and I will use them to unlock the locks of chastity and belt.
- Behold the seven stars of the seven churches, and the seven candlesticks of the seven santas, and the seven knicknacks of the seven old ladies.
- And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, come and see, and I looked, and behold a pale horse: and her name that sat on him was Dolly, and country music followed with her.
- And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as a chimney sweep, and the moon became as cheese.
- The first angel sounded, and there followed ding-dongs, and fire, mingled with blood, and they were cast upon the earth: and the third part of trees was burnt up, and all green grass was burnt up, and the golf index reached an all-time low of -10.
- And the second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became Australia.
- And a demon will come who titles himself the son of the forty-first ruler, and he will opress thy people, but he will be defied at the place of the glorifying of entertainment.
- And those who oppose thy Lord and Savior shall have some whoop-ass retribution to deal with. In the form of Marriage.