Wedding ring

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Example of a wedding ring.

“I gave a wedding ring to a female once, i did NOT kill the bitch and throw her in the woods!”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Not again...”

~ Frodo Baggins

A wedding ring is a magical piece of metal designed to hold two people together, generally male and female, but on occasion male and male, female and female, and sometimes (but rarely) dogs and cats. It is possible that the first wedding rings were made by a terrible volcano. Wedding rings are also often associated with a deadly sin called Marriage


Once put on by both mates, a magical bind is supposed to "hold" the two together forever. However, recent studies suggest that this magic bond is not only complete bullshit, but may possibly reverse the desired effect. Instead of lasting forever, the couple will most likely only last 5-10 years (Although it varies with age and intelligence).

During these 5-10 years, you will generally go through hell. The magic seems to trick you at first, things seem good for the first several months or so, until your mate gets pregnant(male/male, female/female and dog/cat relationships seem to avoid impregnation, this is still going under intense studies as to why this happens). Once your mate becomes pregnant, she may get a serious illnesses such as "Fatcow appetite" or "Icantdoshitlikethisism". These are all evil effects of the wedding ring.

After birth[edit]

After your spouse gives birth, it may be possible that the offspring is a demon spawn. You can tell if this is the case when the creature constantly cries, uses up all of your money, pukes on you, or its first words are a satanic message. It is believed that most offspring speak in a satanic language for the first few years of its life. This is all caused by the sinister evil of the wedding ring, which basically converted an innocent child into a demonic hell spawn. However this can all be prevented.


Abortion should only be used on babies created in sexual intercourse while in the bind of the wedding ring. In these cases you are not killing an innocent baby, you are sending a demonic hellspawn back to the fiery abyss. However, if the child was created before Marriage ever occurred, then it would be killing an innocent child, in which case sends YOU to the fiery abyss where the demon spawn you aborted in your previous life shall eat your soul, forever. It is highly recommended to pay attention to when you create this child, or else you could possibly screw yourself over, badly.

It is also important to realise that if this a demonic hellspawn can be quite a handful in bed. It is advised not to do anything sexual with this child, whether you like it or not. The powers of Sexual Demonic Liver that it is born with can eat men whole!

Losing the ring[edit]

Husband traveling at the speed of light (note the lightning effects) to get back his wedding ring.

To prevent the wedding ring from being removed after the wedding, a spell was cast on it. IF the wearer removed it from its fingers, a "cold turkey" of 231 days would follow. This would often drive the owner mad and would do anything to retrieve the ring.


It happens on occasion that the child hellspawn and the newly possessed wife may be against you. This may cause you to attempt to remove the magical bind, often by taking off the ring and making love to another woman..or man...or...something. This may be a nice numbing sensation to the pain of the magical bind, but this is only an extra effect caused by the wedding ring. You will end up getting caught in which case leads to you being even more screwed. Possibly murdered.

Reversing the ring's power[edit]

Divorce is one of the only known methods of saving yourself from the deadly bind that holds you and your mate together. However, it can cost more money than the demon child and may cause you to put out more money on the demon child if it is young enough, this is known as another life-destroying evil: Child Support. Divorce may also cause you to lose valuable possessions, such as your home and car, maybe your life if done incorrectly. There is one other way out of the bind.


The quickest way out of the bind. It does cause you to lose your life and go to hell, but after living the way you did on earth, could you complain?