UnNews:Breathing may lead to cancer
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Tuesday, December 3, 2024, 17:07:59 (UTC) |
| Breathing may lead to cancer | 
|
26 January 2008
FREDERICTON, Canada -- Breathing causes cancer? That's what scientists have discovered a few weeks ago. Breathing, once considered a natural process, is said to cause stress in the lungs, "directly leading to all sorts of bloody cancers! Jesus! ", this according to Dr. Sam Adams Pilsner, chair of the "Loudly Harumphs At Splendid Ideas" department at Massachusetts General Hospital.
"Asswipe laymen will probably deny this fact to their dying days, but unfortunately, it is true," said Prof. Douglas Brothingham at the National Institute of health and Pseudoscience. "Important research done under my patronage shows that so-called "free radicals" degrade cellular integrity at an increasing rate with increasing proximity to oxygen molecules. It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out that the most oxygen in the human body is contained in the lungs. This degradation is compounded (annually @ 3.185%) by the act of inhalation. Therefore, the less one breathes, the less chance one has of getting cancer. "
Health officials have confiscated oxygen tanks from hospitals, beach resorts, and divers. "The government has made the public aware of this matter and advised avoiding contact with oxygen whatsoever." Said Canadas health czar Forrest Goodway, "You just have to take our word for it and trust the government to know what's best for you."
Yes, oxygen is addictive, but stop doing it. Unless, that is, you want cancer.
Methods of Prevention[edit]
With the recent discovery of oxygen's carcinogenic properties, top level scientists with the aid of traditional witch doctors have published an article in the reputable Lancet magazine. Although mostly unproven at the moment, the World Health Organization is already rolling out education programs in all developing countries including The United States of America to warn of the dangers and promote measures of prevention.
- Take up smoking.
The increased concentration of substances in cigarette smoke in the lungs simultaenously reduces the concentration of oxygen, as well as curing the lungs natural inability to prevent the crossing of oxygen into the bloodstream. However, it is believed that a minimum of 60 cigarettes per day must be smoked and many consider this too costly.
Using a modified retrovirus to alters ones DNA can change the way the body functions. Scientists have created rats using a modified poliovirus that permanently inhibits the respiratory centre of the medulla oblongata, the part of the brain responsible for controlling breathing. Tests are underway on mans closet relative, the Chuck Norris in hope that the virus is compatible across species.
- Mechanically Assisted Breathing Control.
- Elisa test kits
Scientists have made devices called "Breath Suppressors" which prevents the person wearing it from breathing. For the simple people, wearing paper bags is a recommended method to decrease the ill breathings effects. Putting a pillow on top of your face while you are sleeping is also good way to stop breathing, although many find that they need assistance.
Sources[edit]
- Al Paca "Not just stupid people should stop breathing". Toronto Cock & Bull, January 23, 2007
