John Hamm

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The King of Nova Scotia, John Hamm.

John Hamm is the former king of Nova Scotia. He is an absolute monarch and ruled the province with an iron fist. He has attempted to annex Cape Breton many times, the last time being in 2004. Shortly after his defeat on October 16th, 2004, he stepped down and gave the throne to his son Sir Rod MacDonald. Between July 1999 and October of 2000, Hamm terrorized the citizens of Cape Breton. He would come and steal all of their valubles, barely leaving enough food in their homes to survive on. Flanked by his two goons, Cecil Clarke and Dan Fraser, Hamm was free to do as he pleased. He would also take the first born daughters if they were attractive and old enough to reproduce in order to spread his seed. Tired of having their money and daughters stolen, Cape Breton, under the leadership of John Morgan and Mr. T beat back the forces of evil in the Battle of Sydney on October 16th, 2004.

Rise to Power[edit]

The Hamm dynasty came into being in July 1999, after Hamm defeated Russell MacLellan in a bloody battle. Hamm ruled with an iron fist and sucked all the money out of the rest of the province, especially Cape Breton. He stole millions of dollars in taxes from the island. Cape Breton stopped paying tribute in 2004 because they recognized John Morgan as their king. This caused a mainland invasion of the tiny island kingdom but the Cape Bretoners, under the leadership of John Morgan and General (Mr.) T., managed to defeat the mainland forces with an overwhelming victory. Mr. T, had used his penis to cut down thousands of mainland soldiers.

Life under the Hamm regime[edit]

Life was hard under the Hamm regime, voting and democracy was banished after he rose to power in 1999. Anyone who spoke out against the regime would be executed. Mass starvations occurred in all parts of the province except for the provincial capital of Halifax. Hamm forced the collectivation of farms across the province and took most of the produce to Halifax. Hamm charged an income tax rate of 80% and about half of the money went to him, the other to the city of Halifax so its citizens would be happy and would help defend him against rebellions that had sprung up across the province. He has also build a huge cult of personality around himself and if anything good happens in Nova Scotia it is attributed to him. His subordinates refer to him as "Dear Leader". Many thought that ham was a simple little slice of pork, but they are wrong! It is also a man! (with a small penis) they say. But there are many other types of hams as well:


John Hamm is happily married to Abigail at the moment. His life is a lie, however, because he thinks that abigail is not a stripper, which she currently is. Every night before they go to bed, Abigail gives John a pill that makes him sleep for a while, so that she may jump out the window and fuck her boyfriend. Right now, she is pregnant with her beloved Pepe. The baby is due the 19th of February, 2010. The operation may require a C-section. Bryan and Siuyen would happily deliver the baby and murder it while puching it with a mallet.

The baby was successfully delivered on said date. However, an evil witch snatched the baby from Abigail's backpack in school. Turns out the baby sneaked into her bookbag the night before. The evil witch questioned her class... "De quien es este BABY???" Abigail did not respond. sooooo... the evil witch walked up to the trash can and DROPPED the baby. poor pepe...

Anyways, Pepe is currently living in his dummpster home with his father, the hobo with love gas.

Ham Business[edit]

In 2002, Hamm purchased an enormous portion of the meat-packing industry in Italy, changing the name to "We got Mother Fucking Ham, Fuckers" and proceeded to market it through myspace advertisements.

See also[edit]