HowTo:Be absurdly funny and not a content freak

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If you delete all the drab, boring content and your article is now empty, well, that's progress!

Here are some Uncyclopedia writing tips on how to be absurdly funny while not being a content freak. Mind you, merely wanting to write something humorous in no way guarantees that you are not a content freak too. But if you are only a content freak, then please proceed to Wikipedia - and don't forget your neutral bag of notable references and citations.

Uncyclopedia gets nillions of new articles every day. And out of these pages, many of them end up getting huffed by content freaks, rogue admins, or naughty vandals. Although this usually happens for a good reason, such as the articles' total corn-ball content that isn't funny. In fact, so few of the new articles are good enough that a mere 365 articles get featured each year. You could avoid the possibility of getting huffed by not writing anything here in the first place. But if you would like to try and write something that your friends and grandma might laugh at but your mother won't, then please consider the following advice:

Absurd Platforms

Ancient Uncyclopedia

Uncyclopedia actually has several absurd platforms, such as UnNews, UnBooks, Why?, HowTo, UnTunes, UnReligion, UnBullshit, and UnFunny, etc. This just means we've done the ground-work for you; now all you have to do is write something absurdly funny. Like an article detailing why a 'Polish coyote' chewed off three of its legs and was still caught in the trap.

Boring Information Source

How does a framework? How does a computer work? How does the brain work? How does a Mexican work? How does popcorn pop? Who gives a flat-flying-fuck? But if you want to know, then you’ll have to read HTBFANJS to get those technical goodies. This is just about absurd content with specific, pointed humor.

Wikipedia is what Uncyclopedia refers to as boring and uptight. For the love of parody, don’t be dull. Stick to the absurd. For example, a priest wrote to the Pope and accused 200 hearing-impaired choirboys of systematically overpowering him and raping him between 1950 and 1974. Then quote him: "They just won't take 'NO!' for an answer; they won't listen to me!"

  • If you don’t consider Uncyclopedia a nifty setup for your jokes, then the rest of this page will be like casting swine before pearls.

How NOT to be funny

This guy wanted to be absurdly funny, but failed to read this guide.

Example: Michael Gerard "Mike" Tyson (born June 30, 1966) is a retired American boxer. He was the undisputed heavyweight champion and remains the youngest man ever to win the WBC, WBA, and IBF world heavyweight titles. He won the WBC title in just 20 years, 4 months and 22 days old, after defeating Trevor Berbick by a TKO in the second round. Throughout his career, Tyson became well-known for his ferocious and intimidating boxing style as well as his controversial behavior both inside and outside the ring.

  • Huh? We know all that stuff! This is seriously drab pointless drivel. Although possibly factual within the totally dry context of the page, without the absurd it lacks any kind of humor.

How to BE funny

Example: "Iron" Mike Tyson (born Abdul bin Salim Reza Mohammed Ali in the Summer of 1966) is an African-American pugilist infected with BNA. This genome resulted in the growth of a psychological chip on his shoulder that rivaled the Rock of Gibraltar in sheer size. Conceived out of wedlock to 'Cus' D'amato, Tyson quickly extinguished himself as the "worst man on the planet," becoming world champion at the tender age of just 20 years, 4 months, 22 days, 14 hours, and 12 minutes old. Since turning to boxing, Tyson's technique could best be described as follows: Bell Ring - Charge Forward - Demolish Opponent - Bad Boast - Exit Ring - Forget Money - Rape Bitch.

  • Blending absurd with fiction usually makes for better comedy.

Content Freaks

Content Freak

Too many of Uncyclopedia's articles are either factual sporked content, moronic blah or both. Little to nothing distinguishes them from Wikipedia, with content looking same as Wikipedia, and blah looking same as crap. It may get a laugh the first time for being so stupidly factual, or pathetically prejudiced, but it quickly gets dull.

Example: A huffed article, starts out, " Samuel Henry J. Worthington ('cause you know J. is a name, don't you?), is an English-born Australian actor (la-de-dah). He rose to prominence playing Jake Sully in James Cameron's (don't get me started on that douche) Avatar (biggest waste of money...). Having attained major roles in a number of action and science-fiction movies Worthington has made a name for himself as an up and coming star (yep, he fancies himself a bit of a tough-guy). Other credits include a starring role next to Christian Bale (yeah, another "tough guy", more like mind-bending sociopath, guess American Psycho wasn't that much of a stretch) in Terminator Salvation (yeah, James Cameron really likes this clown)."

Whoa! Is that a spork with a bad attitude? -- But, funny how? Absurd? Hardly! More like boring factual content interspersed with envious sniping - ugh!

Some UnSuggestions

Repetition. Say something factual over and over, and then repeat it, and then say it some more. Two or three times. Example: Mike Tyson's fighting styles included Rape, Ear Eating, Leg Biting, Eagle Claw, Rape, Five Animals, Praying Mantis, Atheist Mantis, Fujian White Crane, Rape, Polish Tai Chi Chuan, Street Brawl, Nose Bone in Brain, and his personal favorite, Rape.

  • But driving a fact into the ground just makes it in the ground. So please, please, please be careful, cautious, and vigilant and if you decide to use this technique, be cautious, vigilant and careful.

Mix actors with their famous parts. Example from Joe Pesci:

Joseph "The Ant" Pesci works-over a toothpick.

“Perhaps, in all fairness, I should explain to you exactly what it is I do. For instance, tomorrow I'll get up nice and early, take a walk down to the studio, and walk in and see you. And if you don't have the part for me, I’ll crack your fuckin’ head wide open in front of everybody on the set! And just about the time I'm coming out of jail, hopefully, you'll be coming out of your coma. And guess what? I'll split your fuckin' head open again!”

~ Joe Pesci to Director Martin Scorsese about auditioning for the part of Nicky Santoro in "Casino"

Misdirection. A little more sophisticated and "witty" than repetition. Appear to go one direction with your writing, but end up in a completely different place. For example, two horses are at the race track talking. One horse tells the other, "Man, I was in this race once and got way behind. So I thought, 'There's no way I can win! Fuck it!' - when, all of a sudden, whoosh, up the arse, and I won the race by a nose!" The other horse replies, "No shit!? That same thing happened to me once, and I also won the race by a nose!" A Grayhound over-hears them, so he comes over and says, "I heard what happened to you guys, and I gotta say, that exact same thing happened to me once too!" The two horses look at each other in wonder and one says, "Well, fuck me! A talking dog!"

  • If your readers have a preconceived notion of where you're going with your joke, then it will only be absurd to do otherwise, but if they don't see what's coming, then they better get out of the freakin' way!

Escalation. The key to the absurd style, but all around a good technique that’s good. Start out reasonable and sensible, then become increasingly extreme, irrational, and absurd. Example: Baby Boomers were battered kids born to war mongering, Spam eating, beer drinking, Bob Hope listening, Camel smoking, A-bomb building, pinball playing, SQUARE parents who lived or died during WWII, and are forever caught in an emotional triangle of Frank Sinatra, Precisianist values, and shell-shock caused by the prospect that getting laid once cost an entire lifetime.

Starting out absurd is rarely absurd. It’s better to END absurd. Absurdity can be absurd, but it helps to work up to it from a deadpan starting point. This is true whether you're dealing with a single letter, a single word, a single sentence, a whole article, a whole book, an entire encyclopedia, or the sum of all reality in a thimble.

Being self-referential. It's an obvious technique that can never be absurd unless you are absurd, like a Ronald McDonald clown representing inhumane animal slaughter. If you’re not absurd, then leave yourself at home.

Post-Nuke Afghanistan

Overstatement. For instance: Afghanistan: NATO Air Strike Kills 190,000 Civilians. KABUL, Afghanistan -- Afghan officials said at least 190,000 civilians were killed by a NATO nuke detonated over Eastern Afghanistan. NATO confirmed that it fired a Tomahawk cruise missile tipped with a W80 thermonuclear warhead on an area it believed contained insurgents, only to discover later that civilians were also in the area.

Col. Willy (Mack) Parsons, head of Eastern Command, said, “It was a bullseye! Bamiyan! We nailed those goddamn Taliban, that'll teach em. Thing is, they use women and children as ‘human shields’ – so what can we do to prevent that? It’s simply ‘collateral damage’ – because war is hell.”

Parsons estimated they killed at least 200 hard-core Taliban fighters. “And that’s a lot of bad guys in one shot!” - bragged Col. Willy. “It sure as hell beats those surgical strikes! Our motto is, 'Kill ‘em all, let God sort ‘em out!' – so I guess Allah or Ali, or whatever his name is, has his hands full today!”

  • As overstatements, go this is absurd.

Reversal. Example: UnNews:Fort Knox robbed, nothing to steal

Fort Knox doesn’t contain gold, it IS gold.

FORT KNOX, Kentucky – For the first time in history the impregnable Fort Knox Army post in Kentucky has been robbed – but nothing was taken. A team of professional thieves led by Robert De Nero was able to break into the base, the building and the vault – only to find it empty.

While leaving empty handed, the gang was rounded up and arrested by MPs. But finding no stolen articles or other evidence on any of the robbers they were only charged with trespassing and entering an insecure building.

Jane Magazine reporter, Sally Wabash, questioned the gang, who were being held in the base brig, and asked them how they managed to infiltrate the world’s most secure location, the leader replied, “Ha, you won’t believe it but after all our planning, when we finally reached the building the door was unlocked!”

A Base MP confirmed to the reporter that the door was not locked.

“Man! We couldn’t believe our luck! The door of Fort Knox is OPEN!” De Nero continued. “So after laughing ourselves to tears, we finally entered the building and found the vault also unlocked. And again we all cracked up!” De Nero said with a chuckle. “But once inside the vault we found that the real joke was on us. Not just on us, but also on the entire human race – the safe was empty! There was no gold at all! Nada!” - De Nero confided, on condition of anonymity.

Irony. Example: UnNews:Jack Bauer arrests screenwriters

Jack Bauer after arresting and incarcerating 24’s screenwriters.

HOLLYWOOD, California -- Actor Kiefer Sutherland, who is the world's highest paid actor for his awesome portrayal of super-human, super-patriot, and super-killer, CTU/FBI/PRESIDENTIAL Agent Jack Bauer, has arrested and filed a criminal case against the screenwriters of the popular FOX TV fantasy, "24". In the suit Sutherland accuses the Screenwriters of the following charges:

  1. Aiding and abetting
  2. Obstructing justice
  3. Terrorism
  4. Being traitorous bastards
  • This is an absurd but effective technique (if it is used or not).

Be silly about serious things. Example: The Vietnam War and Mai lai massacre. Give quotes like this:

“Go in there and bring back-to-life anything you find that's not breathing!”

~ Col. Oran K. Henderson's original mission orders on Mai Lai

“You men from Bravo Company have extinguished yourselves in battle”

~ Gen. William Westmoreland addressing the two lone survivors of Hamburger Hell Hill

The outcome of the Nam war was a HUGE Vietnamese victory with a final score:

Be serious about silly things. Example: UnNews:Afghanistan: Large Blast Rocks Naught? -- A powerful blast rocked Naught’s southern desert - perhaps near the deserted sandy area, but it was not clear immediately what caused it or if there were any casualties or even if the entire story is total hogwash. But the fact that no one resides in Naught makes the possibility of casualties highly nil. According to No One, a devout Sunni, there were no witnesses, and it is uncertain if a place called Naught even exists, what to speak of a bomb exploding there, or even if anyone cares anyway.

The Drab Man. A common mistake is to be drab the whole way through. Example: Michael Joseph Jackson (August 29, 1958 - June 25, 2009) was America's most beloved recording artist, singer, songwriter, artist, record producer, arranger, son, sibling, dancer, father, choreographer, actor, author, philanthropist, child star, musical prodigy, daycare provider, and businessman. Also known as the "King of Pop", Michael began to show an exceptional talent when he was 11, as the youngest member of the successful group, Jackson 5. As a solo artist, he had recorded five of the worlds' best selling albums: Off the Wall (1979), Thriller (1982), Bad (1987), Dangerous (1991) and HIStory: Past, Present and Future, Book I (1995).

  • What the dictionary says about "funny": "causing laughter or amusing; humorous; a funny story."

Write in Style. So, let's look a stylish example: Lord Christopher Monckton denies denying denial.

Lord Christopher Monckton denies he will not become King of England

MC: "Welcome ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming here tonight. Our speaker needs no introduction, none at all, but I normally give one, and I'm not about to change my style for you lot! Personally, I couldn't care less about our speaker, but the writers of this article are forcing me into a bloody impossible situation!"

State the Obvious. This rule is hardly ever absurd unless it IS absurd. Example:

“Hockey Stick, Poppy Cock! Al Gore completely deleted the Medieval Warming Period, and that was a jolly good time! Why, the Vikings were growing Bananas!”

~ Lord Christopher Monckton on Gore's 'hockey stick' history

California exchange student in green: "Listen, dude! I think I can dig where you're comin' from. I understand why the Sun causes global warming. It's cause it's warm, right!? I mean, the Sun, it's, like, seriously hot, man, any Mexican can see that. So, is that your point, that the Sun is hot?"

Lord Monckton: "Oh, aren't you a fine young chap! Now, at last, something which I cannot deny. Yes, indeed, it is hot. As my idol, Jerry Lee Lewis would sing, the Sun is a great ball of fire!"

Random humor is best presented as being serious. Example: Muslim student: "In the movie '2012', they purposely omitted any scenes of destruction of the Kabaa in Mecca, even though we Muslims are the most worthy to be destroyed, still we are omitted from the very film! Why this discrimination? We demand to be destroyed as much as California! Otherwise, Allah will be displeased, and that will make matters much worse. Believe me when I tell you that although Allah is the most merciful, He demands to be destroyed like all others. Don't you agree, professor?"

Try to avoid writing too much. – In fact, if you're a "content freak", then please don’t write anything. Just smile in admiration of your amazing self-control.

A life.

If you spent ten seconds writing it, perhaps ten people will like it. If you spent ten minutes, you might have hundreds. If you spent ten hours, then perhaps thousands will laugh. If you spent ten days then maybe millions will like it. But if you spent 10 years then, for sure, it’s a dud!

Lengthy lists are usually not absurd. You know the type to avoid like the plague: "a list of drab people who are drab" or "a list of drab things which are drab." Otherwise, a short and funny list can be absurd - Example:

The "T" have outlined a 5-step plan for establishing the United States of Earth:

  • 1. Kill all the dissenters
  • 2. Kill all the remaining dissenters
  • 3. Kill the last few dissenters
  • 4. Kill the last dissenter
  • 5. Kill yourself (if you too are a dissenter)

Research. Some Featured Articles on Uncyclopedia are occasionally drab, and can never be absurd. Most of the truly drab articles require a lot of copy/paste-research and a completely boring, factual, long-winded content. Add a few snipes, put-downs and swear words. A regular riot, NOT!

Delete drab facts. Excessive writing is absurd because it’s more boring, right?. There's a reason why Wikipedia has short, concise and unpadded data. Because they are geeks – “content freaks”. But writing absurd parody is as much about DELETE as SAVE, so spend at least as much time deleting drab facts as you do inserting them.

If you delete all the drab, boring, content and your article is now empty, well, THAT's progress!

Extremely large numbers like 9999999999999 are really cool. Especially if the number boils down to “9”, or is the number of absurd jokes in your article, or is the amount of Ameros in your Cayman Island offshore bank-account. But, we admit, it would be excessive if it was the number of watermelons crammed up your arse!

Ridiculous dates – like your birthday – simply serve to confuse the writer (you). They don't make your article absurd, unless you were born on April 1, 2012. Remember: you want the reader to actually read your article, not just piss on it, and leave. Unless your article is absurd, you're not going to make someone laugh by choosing ridiculous dates; unless it's April 1, 2012.

If JEFF BECK says something isn't cool - then that bloody settles that!

Celebrities: Really now, did celebrities do anything? Like, make an amateur porn VDO? If you feel the need to insert into a famous person an unrelated organ article, make it one that is applicable to the topic - for example, say "Eminem has BNA!”

Obscure origins: How many articles have a "history" header that begins with "Nobody really knows where whateveritis came from"? None! So you better NOT freakin' do it!

There's no reason to swear like a US Marine Drill Instructor - Unless you are one, and it’s wartime draft in boot camp. And you have three months to turn civilian kids who like ice-cream into heartless robotic killers, who love to cut off ears and dead dicks to show their girlfriend when they get home to the world. God didn’t make Rambo! You did!

  • But if you’re not a foul-mouthed bastard, then motherfucker you can meet and bitch rape our big sister.

HowTo:Make a bad start on VFH:

  1. Be rude and vulgar in 1st quote.
  2. Gave away the end in the beginning in the 2nd quote.
  3. Start with three quotes.
  • It's probably too late to repair once an "against vote" feeding frenzy starts, so don't do it in the first place.

Use of math in-jokes. – Example: Old $ to New Amero Exchange Rate – It is projected that the exchange rate to turn in canceled US dollars will be 00.10 Amero cents per $100. This, however, was declined for its simplicity at the last moment for a more inconvenient way of doing things which involves a more complicated math equation:

Or, use math to tell history. Like, a Mathematical History of The Yardbirds:

Be creative. Example: Synthetic Soma.

  • Composition:

Based on Vedic descriptions of Soma's effects given by the Hindu gods, Dr. Timothy Leary concocted a formula for synthetic Soma which would produce similar effects. The formula (patented in the Cayman Islands), although strictly top-secret, is given as follows: "For one gram of pure synthetic Soma, mix 12 grams of Psilocybin, one kilo of Dimethyltryptamine, 4 quarts of MDMA, 16 grams Tetrahydrocannabinol, 2 kilos of pure Afghani opium, three kaleidoscopes, two Roman candles, and one gallon of Bangladeshi "moonshine" (or Russian Vodka). The mixture is simmered in a large pot (3 meters x 3 meters) for 24-48 hours until solid. The resulting solid mixture is then repeatedly squeezed between the thighs by a 16-year-old Balinesian virgin until just one potent gram of synthetic Soma (approx 4,000,000,000 hits) remains."

Invent stuff. Example:

“The iBauer is our answer to terrorism - it can detect the presence of a genuine terrorist from within a one-mile radius! Perfect for traveling or looking up fellow terrorists.”

~ Steve Jobs on Apple's innovative new iBauer

The iBauer device is Apple's answer to terrorism, it has 4 primary applications, viz., Stomp, Punch, Shoot, and Disintegrate. It is always right. It runs on a 10,000-year nuke-battery. It has no "sleep" or "off" modes. There is also no "ON" button as the device is 'born ON'. The iBauer can detect the presence of a genuine terrorist from within a one-mile radius using innovative new technology, viz., CTU, and then DO something about it! The iBauer always disregards protocol, and it's virtually unbreakable (but it can be a little bit hurt, just enough that you feel sorry for it). Un-losable: It's not that you will never lose the iBauer, it's just that the iBauer will never lose. The entire device can be purchased and downloaded online using the iBeam-me-download feature.

iBauer anti & pro-terror gizmo.
  • Then reverse everything by advertising the iSlam button-function for use by terrorists to detect infidels.

Note to terrorists This device can also be switched into reverse mode, with terrorists replaced by "infidels", simply by pushing the hidden "iSlam" button that's built into every unit.

iTunes: Special Apps for terrorists:

  • iRug - for when you need to stop and pray.
  • iMecca - for when you need a place to pray toward.
  • iAllah - for when you need a person to pray to.
  • iFucked - for when you're selected for a suicide run.
  • iGenie - for when you need a way out of there.
  • iMagicCarpet - the way OUT of there.

Religion – Should we joke about Eric Clapton? NO! Should we joke about religion? YES! In India, the land of filthy-rich people, they have the million years old Hip-veda (book of the absurd) wherein God, while describing His glories in the material nature, says, "Among fish, I'm the shark, among animals I'm the lion, among hideous monstrosities I'm the Blue-ringed octopus, and among jokes I'm the PUNCH LINE." So, the way we figure, as long as we have a joke with a punch-line, then God is present. So if we're telling jokes with punch-lines, then we're hanging out with God. Neat!

Avoid Memes
Weaving a lot of Uncyclopedia memes into an article is not a substitute for being absurd, and few people will think it's absurd. Examples of memes are:

Laird Hamilton keeps trim by doing push downs.
  • Polish "jokes".
  • Chuck Norris "facts".
  • Everything and anything to do with everything and anything, like facts.
  • Your very own made-up version of God or Jesus.
  • Overuse of Donal "Jimbo" Wales jokes.
  • Concerning "mothers" in general.

Use in-jokes sparingly Just because it's absurd to you and the rest of humanity doesn't make it absurd to us. But if you tell us the background then we’ll buy you a bottle of synthetic cyber-Soma and maybe even laugh.

Here is what an INside joke looks like:

“Sometimes I scream, 'Is THAT the best you can do?' - but so far the ocean hasn't taken the bait.”

~ Laird Hamilton

Admin & Cyclops.

Use Pictures Wisely - A picture is a perfect complement to a good joke'; but only if it is well made. Chopping up a picture of Tony Blair's face to one pixel is too small to be seen. Just be absurd. Use absurd pictures.

Bias IS Humor? Never substitute bias in place of the absurdly funny or vise versa. While biases and points of view are allowed, often to the extent of encouragement, on Uncyclopedia, simply writing something like "Wikipedia is a bunch of ‘content freaks!’" is not absurd by itself – because it’s true, almost. Keep your stuff absurd, but not insultingly true.

Admins & Cyclops Admins are demigods and Cyclops are demi-semi gods -- it's that simple. So when an Admin deletes overtly explicit and non-absurd bias, they do not necessarily disagree with you on that subject. It is rarely personal, because the Admin has no idea who you really are. Being a demigod makes you too small for them to even see.

How to recognize a KOOK

This is what a Kook looks like on Uncyclopedia. An "unregistered user" - They ALL look the same!

Now what?

If you are ready to try your hand at creating dead-pan comedy on Uncyclopedia then please follow the Instruction Manual, which may be summed up in one word:


See also

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