Under the Sea
“In Soviet Russia, the Sea is under You!”
“Gllblb ululbllb blbllbablbgl!”
Under the Sea comprises nearly 6.3/8 of the Earth's surface, and to this day remains largely unexplored. Humanity has landed more rockets on the surface of the moon than on the ocean floor. As such, Under the Sea remains Earth's final frontier, a place of great mystery, mystique, mysticality, and Myst addiction.
Inhabitants[edit]
Under the Sea is populated by many strange and alien life forms found nowhere else on Earth. The first mile of depth is dominated by fish, whales, fish, coral, barnacles, fish, jellyfish, crabs, fish, dolphins, fish, squid, fish, fish, fish and spam. Below that, pressures are so extreme that natural sunlight cannot penetrate. The only creatures known to survive in the total darkness are eyeless red shrimp, giant squid, miniaturized styrofoam cups, grues, and Chuck Norris. Reports by sailors of beautiful mer-ninjas remain unsubstantiated.
Government[edit]
Poseidon is the elder god who rules over Under the Sea. Legends tell of how he won the territory off Zeus in a drinking match, although modern scholars believe this to be no more than metaphorical reference to Poseidon's rampant alcoholism. Poseidon's communist dictatorship is enforced by legions of Snorks with pointed sticks and funded by a black market sushi trade with Japan, California and Norway. The US has threatened to impose economic sanctions on Poseidon's regime on numerous occasions, and will likely declare preemptive democratic intervention just as soon as a method of bombing the fuck out of the sea floor can be devised.
Explored Regions[edit]
Cowtown[edit]
Cowtown was discovered by an expedition of giants in 1989. It is home to The Cow, an unusual ally of Poseidon, who lives in a well-fortified castle built from the bones of executed dissidents. Cowtown is protected by an army of ninja waterfowl that grows in number every day. Newly covert terns are frequently seen on patrol beneath the waves. The giants were able to befriend The Cow only after the delivery of many rare and wonderful gifts including a purple toupee and a shoehorn with teeth. After smoking numerous varieties of seaweed graciously provided by The Cow, the giants returned home to share their story with the world.
Octopus's Garden[edit]
A beautiful, tranquil location on the seabed filled with happiness and joy, and governed by The Octopus himself. The Octopus is well known for his chameleonic skin, ability to squeeze his whole body through minute cracks, and pedophiliac tendencies. He has been known to stalk young boys and girls, building up complete profiles of where they've been before inviting them to his garden to play in the shade and come into his cave. Discovered and popularized by the crew of a yellow submarine on an extended acid voyage in 1968, the Octopus' garden has become a hit tourist attraction, especially among Japanese schoolgirls.
20,000 Leagues[edit]
Discovered and popularized by Jules Verne on an extended acid voyage in 1869, 20,000 Leagues has become a hit tourist attraction, especially among French schoolboys. 20,000 Leagues is perhaps the most misrepresented location Under the Sea in that it is in fact situated three yards off the coast of France, not some ungodly distance down in the ocean. It gets its name instead from the French word 'Leauegueare' which, roughly translated, means "small ugly rock." Verne was so surprised to find so many ugly rocks in one place that he wrote a whole book about it (taking some artistic license, of course). A tall cairn was later erected to mark the precise location, and as a result most of the original 20,000 Leagues are now above sea level.
The Sea Shrine[edit]
Only accessible by a legendary submarine hidden beneath the desert, the Sea Shrine used to be Under the Sea's greatest and most secure museum. In 1987, four young vandals broke into the Shrine and stole its entire collection, including the rare Orb of Light of Water, and killing then-curator Kraken in cold blood. The shrine's relative inaccessibility has made investigation next to impossible, so while some of the artifacts stolen have since turned up on the black market, the perpetrators of the theft remain at large. The Shrine's inaccessibility has also created difficulties for renovation and reconstruction teams attempting to restore Under the Sea's historic landmarks to their former glory.
The Titanic[edit]
The Titanic was humankind's first attempted permanent outpost Under the Sea. Lack of such basic comforts as oxygen and protection from aquatic scavengers, however, made the project an abysmal failure. The Titanic's patented rivet-unzipping dive mechanism, applied to other colony ships of the era, was also deemed a failure due to its low success rate. The Discovery Channel sponsored an attempt in the early 21st century to recolonize the Titanic with robots. As none of the human team members ever reported back, we can only presume this attempt unsuccessful. Sailors have since reported "strange glowy lights" from the vicinity of the Titanic, but those same sailors have been known to mistake porpoises for beautiful mer-ninjas.
Not Atlantis[edit]
Atlantis is not actually a part of Under the Sea. Atlantis was annexed from Seatle by Poseidon in the year 2048 AC, turned into a smurf slave colony by Poseidon's Snorks, and later sunk and destroyed by fire before it could be given full standing in the empire. As the Atlantean Calendar was destroyed with its civilization, nobody knows when 2048 AC occurred on the roman calendar, and frankly, nobody gives a shit. A sailor once reported being abducted by beautiful mer-ninjas and taken to their stronghold in rebuilt Atlantis, but he turned out to be a robot from the Titanic, so his information is dubious at best.
Bavaristan[edit]
Bavaristan is one of the most recent additions to Under the Sea, having been given in offering to Poseidon by the Canadians during the Canada-Fiji wars in exchange for safe passage to their island nemesis. Now more than a mile underwater, Bavaristan has a growing giant squid sashimi industry and is set to overtake Italy as the greatest contributor to Under the Sea's economy. The Japanese report the sashimi is frequently delivered by robots and ninjas, but fail to see how this is remotely unusual.
Touring[edit]
Under the Sea is a cheap and easy to reach tourist destination. There are no known airports under the sea (this may change as exploration continues), so you will have to arrange other transportation. Common forms of transportation to Under the Sea are insulting a pirate, insulting the mafia, insulting the lifeguard, and living in Florida. Once Under the Sea, you should remember to bring an air tank. It is ideal to remember this before leaving, but the afforementioned travel methods seldom allow for such foresight. You probably will not need your computer Under the Sea- there is no internet, and most versions of Windows are not water-compatible anyway. If you like sushi and seaweed, you're set for food, otherwise you'll want to bring your own. Watertight containers are reccommended- saltwater is a natural preservative, so you want to keep as little as possible from leaking out. Clothing is optional. Many areas are warm enough to go without, but for some you'll want a wet suit (few places are formal enough for a wet tie). If you go more than a mile deep, nobody will even be able to tell you aren't wearing clothes (except the grues, who do so by taste), although you might want to bring along some styrofoam cups to soak up all the ambient pressure.
Surface money has little value Under the Sea, and indeed it is seldom required- most visitors go the remainder of their lives without spending a cent. On a tangential note, you'll be on your own for the return trip, as nobody has yet discovered any mer-pirates, mer-mafia, mer-lifeguards or mer-Florida, and insulting a mer-ninja will almost certainly cause it to flip out and cut your head off.
Imports and Exports[edit]
Known imports to Under the Sea include ships, sewage, oil, rocks, people who insult pirates, people who insult the mafia, people who insult lifeguards, Floridians and Bavaristan. Known exports include fish, and the occasional tire. The origins of Under the Sea tires are not fully known, but leading theories suggest they are excreted by rubber-consuming microbes living near geothermal vents.
Population[edit]
Ninety percent of Under the Sea is unexplored, so by extension ninety percent of Under the Sea's population is unexplored. Most of the remaining ten percent object to being probed, although some sailors have reported quite the opposite result with beautiful topless mer-ninjas. The official stance of the scientific community is that such successful probings are the result of such sailors actually being aliens, and thus having far more experience with probes than the average human scientist. Such sailors tend to agree they do have more experience probing than the average human scientist.
Trivia[edit]
- Under the Sea was ranked the third best part of Disney's The Little Mermaid, after the phallic advertising images and Ben Stein's voiceacting.
- Every day, volcanoes reduce the size of Under the Sea through the use of complex hyperdimensional physics
- Messages posted at the intersection of three (tri) roads (vias) in ancient Rome will not protect you from being probed by sailors