Ben Stein

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“In Soviet Russia, Ben Stein's money wins YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on Ben Stein

Ben J. Stein. The J standing for "Jesus this guy is so motherfucking awesome".

Benjamin Jeremy "Ben" Stein (born November 25, 1944) is an American actor, economist, a speech writer for former United States President Richard Nixon, and later on a personification of evil. Ben Stein is best known for having a monotonous droning voice which will enable anyone who listens to him talk to fall asleep immediately. He also famous for his role in the films Ferris Bueller's Day Off, the 2008 dumbomentary Sexpelled: No Intercourse Allowed and for being the lovechild of Judas Iscariot and Cthulhu.

His possibly most famous lines are the brilliant "Bueller... bueller... bueller..." and the less brilliant but more retarded "Love of God and compassion and empathy leads you to a very glorious place, and science leads you to killing people." (Seriously.)

Early Life[edit]

Ben Stein was born in the fires of hell nine million millennia before the birth of Jesus Christ. It is believed in some cultures that Ben Stein was not born, but was made with a hammer and knife crafted in the depths of Jahannam and made from the souls of one million rapists. Other cultures portray Stein as being born in Washington, D.C., November 25, 1944. However this has been proven false. By his own account he is the last universal common ancestor (LUCA) from which all life arose, and that he was created by lightning striking a mud puddle. Genetic evidence supports this claim. Ben Stein is believed to have earned a degree from Columbia University.

The first coming[edit]

In 3000 BC, Stein rose from his dwelling in Gehenna and set fire to all of Babylon. The people of Babylon bowed down to him and pleaded for him to spare their lives, however Ben Stein knew not of mercy and sent forth an army of demons to wipe out all human life on earth.

Second coming[edit]

In 1986, Ben Stein faced a peril beneath in earths crust and in the depths of hell that no mortal man should ever speak of. Ben Stein fled to the land of men and hid in the jungles of Madagascar. A group of animals from the New York zoo found him and Ben Stein killed them without mercy. Ben Stein then burned down the jungle in rage and turned the seas to stone. Ben Stein walked for twenty years across the vast ocean to Idaho where Ben Stein now lives with his family.


The worship of Ben Stein was once only practiced by rapists and blasphemers, but now it is becoming more popular due to his film career. The first organized group of Ben Stein worshipers called themselves " Children of Stein " and where active in Philadelphia during the 1990's. Now they have spread across all of North America and parts of Europe. Although Stein Worship is still believed to be the sister religion of Satanism, it has become socially acceptable in most parts of the world.

As a food product[edit]

Ben Stein is also considered a tasty treat in Indonesia and Thailand. The Ben Stein is a piece of fried apple of a stick, covered in batter and usually covered in gravy.

See Also[edit]