Einstein's Malicious Theories

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Albert Einstein, best known for his work inventing Gravity and Light, devising new theories on the cooking time of goose eggs, the braking speed of the Ford Cortina in an oil slick and the natural propensity for objects, when released in midair, to hit the ground, was also responsible for the propagation throughout the physics world of theories designed to anger fellow physicists. The 'Malicious Theories' are seen by some as aberrations, by some others as 'Easter Eggs' in his otherwise dull work.

This asshole nearly lost us the fucking WAR

There are several well documented 'Malicious Theories', which were responsible for the loss of 103,000 man-hours of American nuclear physicists during the height of World War II, according to the National Science Foundation. Several have been posited as further malicious theories, but so far most have been plausible. Whilst this article is not exhaustive, it details some of the most obvious and important of the Malicious Theories.

The discovery of the Malicious Theories resulted in the blocking of Einstein's position as guest host of the Johnny Carson show some years later.

Other Malicious theories have been posited since, by other physicists, and, more recently, biologists bored after dissections.

Energy-Matzoh Equivalence[edit]

Einstein, had established long before 1905 that

usually read "energy is matzoh balls in chicken soup". Ernest Rutherford, who had little tolerance any sort of B.S., reduced it to

Einstein concurred and, feeling that this was a square meal, recast the equation in its final form:


The Weeble Theory[edit]

This states that the Speed of Light may 'wobble' itself at sufficiently high speeds, but will never 'fall over'. For some years, this was taken rather seriously by the Physics establishment, as it seemed to suggest a flux in acceleration for light. Despite the fact that Einstein had accepted a 'defined' lightspeed as a constant in a vacuum, some scientists got a little caught up in hero worship.

The Momentum Force Theory[edit]

This non-expressed theory was a fake thought experiment, released to the Royal Society of the United Kingdom. It concluded that if a previously stable substance was bombarded with high speed protons, a vortex and momentum would build, imploding the source material and making the accumulation of material accelerate to an infinite degree. It seemed to suggest that bombarding a substance would lead inevitably to an immediate runaway accumulation of mass, until, 24 seconds after the creation of the vortex, a sphere of material of infinite mass and gravity would be generated, most likely absorbing the universe.

He would have gotten away with this if it hadn't been for those meddling kids.

The Parallax Conundrum[edit]

Deliberately misnamed, this was a theory Einstein had come up with to help him remember how many drinks he needed to buy Bessie Kirchenstein before she'd get paralytic enough to give him a foot job.

The Theory of Accelerated light would suggest the spoon would appear less bent if there was a brighter light source.

The Theory of Accelerated Light[edit]

The first theory was the easiest to work out as a malicious theory. The theory essentially states that the speed of light is determined by the total number of light sources available, or, in simple terms, that very bright lights travel faster than dimmer ones.

The Special Theory of Hyperbolic Reduction[edit]

Einstein pretended for years that this line was an integral part of his working out for the Special Theory of Relativity. in reality, the equation suggests that the number of energies (sic) is equal to the number of energies minus one speed of light, times 3.14159 gravities. Clearly, this theory has no significance at all.

The Theory of Numerical Equivalence[edit]

Written the day after Einstein's 45th Birthday party (under the influence of liquor and some child tv shows), this theory shows clearly how bored Einstein was with mathematics as a discipline.

The Speed of Thought[edit]

At first considered an error in notation, this appears to be Einstein's assertion that an increase in cups of coffee would not result in an increased speed of thought.

The Vader Theory[edit]

This was Einstein's most haunting theory. It predicts that Darth Vader (Dv) is Anakin Skywalker, and therefore Luke Skywalker's father. (f(lS))

Bizarrely, this formula is derived from a calculation of the speed at which light decelerates relative to a massive object.