Maxwell equations

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A typical mathematical equation

“Only two things are infinite, the Universe and my cock.”

~ Albert Einstein on Maxwell's Equations

Maxwell's Equations (more commonly known as Maxwell's Fixations) were developed by British fiction writer named James Clerk Maxwell. The celebrated fixations make up the backbone of modern electricity and magnetism and form the first field theory that describes the behavior of manatees as the number of organisms goes to infinity. Surprisingly, the fixations incorporate the theory of special selectivity, though provides little direction about more general notions, such as scientifically regarded superstition, evolution.


With frequent trips to a watering hole near his home town in Zimbabwe, Maxwell showed that when in the presence of a magnet a manatee would think he was a female manatee. If the magnet was too strong it would actually attract the manatee to him at which point he would excite it with electricity. Through heavy "experimentation," Maxwell was able to derive all four fixations with the help of his friend, Friday (thank God it's Thursday). Friday was a little more adventurous and excited manatees regardless of their electric charge, which Maxwell later described as gender. The fixations were published by Houghton Mifflin in a book called Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Manateea in 1687. Although it was only four lines, this book is said to be the greatest single work in the history of science. With the control of the manatees, England was able to fend off Germany almost 300 years later in World War II.


Everyday magnet

The modern set of Maxwell's Fixations is shown below:

Manatee's Law
Manatee's Law for Curling Irons
Friday's Law of Electrosuction
The Placebo Effect

The first of these fixations effectively describes the time it takes a manatee to appear next to Maxwell to be petted. Notice that t can never be zero, so Maxwell realized he would always have to wait to get his share of manatee. Maxwell later commented on why the development of this equation took so long (for he frequently got "carried" away during this stage of his research). The final fixation arose because Maxwell figured that 3 fixations weren't enough to describe universal fantasies. However, he figured that if he wrote random symbols upside down, they would still be correct. He therefore derived the last fixation and named it the placebo effect, after noticing that some of his colleagues (who were doing drugs at the time) spent more time thinking about what would happen if they gave terminally ill patients sugar pills instead of something of actual value. Consequently, when Friday fell sick with Pneumonia, Maxwell gave him a bong.

“Fat bastards!”

~ James Clerk Maxwell on the speed of a manatee

Maxwell determined the numerator while Friday came up with the denominator.


d is the distance the manatee travels
t is the time it took for the manatee to get that far

The second equation describes the ass kicking ability of a school of manatees depending on the strength of the magnet it is exposed to. Notice how the equation does not depend on the strength of the magnet at all.


m is the mass of the earth
c is the speed of light in a vacuum

The remaining equations have been determined to be completely useless.

Modern Day Applications[edit]

Manatee terrorist attack

Despite the equations having multiple important applications in history they are useless today. In the years since World War II the manatees evolved (a theory also developed by Maxwell) to withstand the power of the magnets and the electricity. Since this evolution the manatees have claimed responsibility for several terrorist bombings around the world.

“We're free, so we're just kicking some ass.”

~ Manatees on Terrorist Bombings

Scientists are currently working on several methods to regain control over the manatees, with little progress. This may be due to the stupidity of the scientists.