Your Math Tutor
What's happening, "dude?" I heard that you need some help with your math class. It just so happens, "my dog," that I have the "pro skills" needed to help you. Now, I know that math isn't considered "wicked" or "sweet," but I am going to show you how math can be both "wicked" and "sweet." I realize that this may seem "awkward" to you, but just treat me like your "bro," and everything will just flow into that little "cap" of yours, but above all, remember that I'm here for you as Your Math Tutor.
Addition and Subtraction[edit]
Tutor: Now, "home skillet," I'd like to start off with something simple: addition and subtraction.
Home Skillet: I'm in precalculus, not kindergarten.
Tutor: Yes, I know you're in precalculus, but it's always good to go back over the basics. Now, addition and subtraction are super "whack." The setup for these problems is:
Here, I'll show you some equations, "Gunit."
There, really easy. Now for another one.
Gunit: This is retardedly simple. I need to study for my test, not be patronized.
Tutor: I'm not patronizing you! This is important, "Dudeasaurus." Now I'm going to start on subtraction, which is "radical" as well. It's always in the form:
Tutor: I'll give you some examples, too.
Tutor: Ha Ha! All the answers are fortytwo, get it, "Broseph?"
Dudeasaurus: This is stupid. Now you're just making fun of me.
Tutor: No, I'm not! This is really "far out!"
Multiplication and Division[edit]
Tutor: Ok, now we'll move to multiplication and divis
Broseph: I learned this in third grade!
Tutor: Yes, I know you learned this in third grade, but we're going to go over it again, "Leonitizzle."
Multiplication is written as:
I'll give you a few examples.
Tutor: All you have to remember here is that zero times anything is always zero. Isn't that totally "choice?"
Leonitizzle: I'll bet that's also how many girls you've had sex with.
Tutor: No, that isn't how many girls I've slept with, you "brat salandwich."
Brat Salandwich: Wait, what is this?
Tutor: Oh, isn't it "boss" that I switched to division, "diggity?" I could see you were "bugged out" with the other stuff already.
This is the same as multiplication. Zero on top equals zero. "Bad," right?
Diggity: I already know this though!
Tutor: I know you know this, "small fry"; I'm just driving home a point.
Small Fry: I get the point. The point is you're a fucking retard.
Algebra[edit]
Tutor: Ok, you little "Velocibrat," you need to be "chill" right now, or else you might get a B in precalculus!
Velocibrat: Oh no. Not a B. That would be such a "drag."
Tutor: Ok now, algebra is set up in a "nifty" little way, like this:
And from there you have to solve for x by getting all the x's on one side like this:
Tutor: Well you haven't had an outburst in a while so I guess I'll actually be able to teach you something today, "Hamaroni." Solving for x can be more difficult sometimes.
Hamaroni: So, these are always 4?
Tutor: No, it's not always four, "Kraken McFearsome."
Kraken McFearsome: So, I can just put x=4 for all of these.
Tutor: No, you can't just put x=4 on all of thes actually you know what, that's it, you little cheeseball. I was going to try to get you ready for your math test, but you know what? I can't take any more of your attitude!
Trigonometry, Limits, Integrals, e, Natural log, Common log, Powers, and Functions[edit]
Tutor: Here, do this problem while I go have a "study session" with one of the other tutors.
[Door slam]
Cheeseball: Fuck this. I'll just go to trade school.
