The Ten Commandments

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Sorry, are you looking for Ten Commandments? They're simple and lack the definite article — just like mother used to make.

  1. Thou shalt not worship other Gods, regardless of how sexually able they might be.
  2. Thou shalt not post graven images of me, because quite frankly, you bitches have no idea what I look like anyway!
  3. Thou shalt not use God's name in bed, unless, of course, God is in bed with you.
  4. Thou shalt worship me on every day of the Sabbath. It's easier if you do it then so I can watch American Idol later.
  5. Thou shalt honor thy elders, they'll be dying off soon anyway. Just humor them...
  6. Thou shalt not kill. Unless your victim's skin color is different. Or their political views. Or they don't worship Me. Or they are gay.
  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery without express written consent of Major League Baseball.
  8. Thou shalt not steal until Pretty Boy Floyd gives back that five bucks he jacked from me. Mail it to P.O. Box 55555 in L.A.
  9. Thou shalt not bear false witness. For one, I'm working on making lie detectors admissible in court.
  10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, but thy neighbor's daughter is another story. And don't even get me started on the barnyard animals...
  11. Thou shalt not wank "on occasions", it must be done EVERY DAY!
Warning: this is Commandment Eleven, not Commandment Ten!

The Boaring Ten Commandments[edit]

  1. I am the Lord thy God, Thou shalt not worship other God before me.
  2. I am a Jealous God, thou shalt not worship graven images, statues or any likeness of anything that resembles anyone from Heaven above, in the Earth beneath, or that is in the water under the Earth.
  3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; For the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
  4. Remember the Sabbath Day to keep it Holy, for in six days the Lord made Heaven and Earth, then sea and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day.
  5. Honor thy father and thy mother; that thy days maybe long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.
  6. Thou shalt not kill.
  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
  8. Thou shalt not steal.
  9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
  10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thy neighbor's wife, nor anything that is thy neighbor's.

WARNING: These are the real ten commandments. Follow them, or God will be angry and thunder you.

The Ten Commandments as they appear in Moses Griffin's Bible[edit]

  1. Shut the hell up.
  2. Nothing can be done about the sun.
  3. There are no more jolly ranchers. They're all gone.
  4. When we pass by a billboard please don't read it out loud.
  5. Listen to your mom, for she is holy.
  6. Blame dangerous minorities when you commit a murder.
  7. Dream of hot chicks, but love your wife.
  8. Run like hell if you steal something.
  9. Blame your neighbor when something happens
  10. Goddamnit, stop being gay!
  11. This is commandment no.11. This is a very NEW commandment so it'll be shy so give it a nice warm welcome.

The Ten Commandments as they appear in Pope Peter the Negro's translation of the Babble[edit]

  1. Reject False Icons. Squeal like a pig whenever your neighbor is listening to Ashlee Simpson, Kelly Clarkson, Barbra Streisand and any of their unholy ilk, paint mustaches on Paris Hilton, 50 Cent, P. Diddy and any of their unholy ilk. Do not wear corporate logos on yourself as those bastards won't pay you a cent.
  2. Do not represent [such] gods by any carved statue or picture of anything in the heaven above, on the earth below, or in the water below the land. Do not bow down to [such gods] or worship them or ask for autographs or stand in line to watch their idiotic movies. I am God your Lord, a God who demands exclusive worship. Where My enemies are concerned, I keep in mind the sin of the fathers for [their] descendants, to the third and fourth [generation]. But for those who love Me and keep My commandments, I show love for thousands [of generations] Remember to buy my T-shirts and coffee mugs.
  3. Do not take the name of God your Lord intravenously. God will not allow the one who takes His name intravenously to go unpunished. Heroin is cheaper and is much healthier.
  4. Remember Black Sabbath to keep it holy. Whatever you do don't watch The Osbournes as the father of that family hijacked Lord Ozzy's holy name, don't listen to hair metal, christian metal or glam rock music ever.
  5. Do not do anything that constitutes work.
  6. Smother your father
  7. Do not commit, it's murder.
  8. Do not adulterate your friend's stash.
  9. Do not squeal.
  10. You shall not witness false bear.
  11. Do not be envious of your neighbor's house, it has a triple mortgage. Do not be envious of your neighbor's wife, she will be 50 pounds overweight next year, his slave, his maid, his ox, his monkey, or anything else that is your neighbor's, it has the cooties.

Warning: this is =Commandment Eleven, not Commandment Ten!

The Ten commandments as in Oscar Wildes revised editon of the bible VII[edit]

  1. Thou shalt not eat Jesus without paying $2.00 not including gst (God's Son Tax)
  2. Thou shalt not shit wtihin 52 hours of a previuos shit
  3. Thou shalt not insult Jesus without insulting Batman previously
  4. Thou shalt not scuff cats in public without sharing one with a Christian
  5. Thou shalt not read past this commandment
  6. Thou shalt not read this one
  7. Thou shalt worship Oscar Wilde like a God
  8. Thou shalt send three crates of Weapons of Mass Destructio not the White House every year
  9. Thou shalt not touch molest any god other than myself
  10. Thou shalt know the number of this commandment
  11. Thou shalt know this commandment is out of the ten if you knew the tenth commandment
  12. And this one
  13. And this one too
  14. Oh wow ttheres a lot coming...
  15. And more
  16. a put a plug in it
  17. This is way over ten stop editing it!
  18. Well you helped make it longer
  19. So...
  20. Shut up I am God!
  21. No you shut up
  22. Please stop the fighting this is just a stupid list!
  23. HEY!!! Who asked you, dickhead?
  25. Yeah, a list of the 23 Commandments. Yay, God. Good job, creating Earth, and all. I enjoy it every day
  26. C-C-C-COMBO-BREAKER!!!!!

Retrieved from ""

The Ten Commandments as they appear in Chuck Palahniuk's novel, Bible Club[edit]

  1. The first Commandments is, you do not talk about Bible Club.
  2. The second Commandment is, you DO NOT talk about Bible Club.
  3. If someone says stop, speaks in tongues, or is saved, Even if he's just faking it, prayer discussion is over.
  4. Two guys to a prayer discussion.
  5. One prayer discussion at a time.
  6. No shirts, no shoes, no salvation.
  7. Prayer discussions will go on as long as they have to.
  8. If this is your first night at Bible Club, you have to pray.
  9. In death, members of Project Mayhem have a name.
  10. OWV (Oscar Wilde Version) only.

Warning: this is Commandment Ten, Congratulations!

The Ten Commandments after Moral Misjudgment[edit]

  1. “You shall have no other gods before Me, unless it is the idol of ‘family’ as a cover for your heterocentricity, and you feel you need to show non-heterosexual persons just how much greater is your heterosexual ‘family values’ despite your own sexual shame.
  2. “You shall not make for yourself any graven image, except that image of your sexuality as the only legitimate sexuality, so you can force others to bow down and serve this image, that sexuality is only for married opposite-sex couples who can continue trying to add duplicates of themselves to our overpopulated world.
  3. “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, unless you must use My name as a useful political platform to further your heterosexist ‘moralist agenda’, so you can appear to have divine authority over others you perceive as somehow more sexually promiscuous than yourselves.
  4. “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it as a holy reminder for how ‘different’ you are from anyone who is not as ‘straight’ as you; for in that day you shall freely pass judgment upon any stranger in your gate, as a clever way to ignore your own sexual shortcomings.
  5. “Honor your father and your mother, unless they happen to be attracted to someone of their own gender or identify with a gender that seems incongruous to their body, or present themselves in any way outside of your heterosexist ‘moralist agenda’.
  6. “You shall not murder, but it’s okay to turn a blind eye to those who murder anyone living outside the norms of sexuality and gender, encouraged by your loathing of those presumed to lack self-discipline.
  7. “You shall not commit adultery, but blame any of your sexual improprieties on all those who aren’t straight, shaming them as a painful reminder of your own lack of sexual self-control.
  8. “You shall not steal, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take away the self-respect and dignity of any person you deem too ‘different’ from yourselves.
  9. “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor, unless your neighbor is not quite straight and therefore deserves your false representations and any misinformation you can spread around and convince yourselves as true.
  10. “You shall not covet your neighbor's house, unless your neighbor isn’t totally straight, in which case you are free to exploit them in the name of ‘traditional morality’ and discriminate against them so they will not have the kind of access you enjoy to the good things in life.”

See also[edit]