The Church of Snuggie
“IN SOVIET RUSSIA, The SNUGGIE WEARS YOU!!”
The Church of Snuggie is a enigmatic cult that virtually humiliates all of its members, while posing under the name of The Fondofsumdick Corporation, which markets Snuggie™. The sect features over 100,000,000 members/assholes that prefer a warmer approach on life. When the Church of Snuggie came along, all these jackasses's dreams where fulfilled, as the Church both provided eternal happiness and unending comfort. With all the other cults just offering happiness with a dash of arsenic, The Church of Snuggie is the second most popular cult in history, only behind The Church of Sesame Street, found in 1969 with over 60 million current followers who have still all yet to be potty trained.
While most people have self-esteem, there are millions of sorry losers that don't get life (or even have one) that buy this hunk of junk-shit. Which is pitiful indeed, but what can you do? It's not like you can just storm into one of their session and take them all out at once, ...or can you? For more details, see NRA.
Basic History[edit]
The Church of Snuggie was formed whenever it felt like, which was 1999. Trying to cash in on the Y2K apocalypse buzz going around. It was a huge success as it posed off as just another thoughtless TV Infomercial, which the society of
America had been brought down to. However, success soon slipped from its flannel sleeves when the Star Wars remakes put a bad name of the design. The Snuggie was about to go under when Oprah came along a saved the pointless blanket and the less-than-appealing secret cult. Oprah televised to the nation, with her Snuggie on her, and converted over seven million people, without them knowing, to join the Secret Snuggie cult. Being so comfy at the time, the social deviants with no sense of fashion agreed to sign in for eternity.
For this, Oprah Winfrey received a lifetime membership and free Subway coupons, she added the membership card to a long line of 16 other historical cults that ran their course.
Post 2008[edit]
Since the economic meltdown practically wiped out every practical and sensible product on earth, TV Ads having been flying around like crazy. Quite literally. Since then, there has hardly been a chance for Snuggie™ to send its message of hope, along with it's blanket, without being drowned by all the other useless junk out there. Which is why I'm writing this article. Yeah, Me! Bet you didn't see that one coming. ...no, um. Oh Well. Anyways, I am here because I hope to expose Snuggie™ for the scandalous so-called religion they are. But I am not, because there Snuggies™ are so damn comfy!
Prices[edit]
What most people hated about the Church of Snuggie is their outrageous prices. That, plus a membership fee, (one soul). In 2003, Snuggie was facing an Enron-like-collapse-like-thingy. Then, two months later, the Church offer their members a choice of color for their Snuggies™. [some restrictions needed] Before that new offer, all Snuggies where just marketed in "basic cult black" color. This new add-on quickly got Snuggie back in the spotlight, or at least limelight.
Historical significance[edit]
Kings and queens alike have tried to find their perfect robe in wear. What better for them to wear than a backwards bathrobe. I mean, what genius! Who is the brainiac who came up with that? Sir Issac Newton, of course. He came across the idea when a wet towel was dropped from a height of four stories from a fat woman in her 60s, who also happen in be nude.
After going in shock and spending two years at the local insane asylum, he sought out a way to get rid of a lewd and vulgar nudism (for old people and priest), and decided to invent a new and easy-to-use piece of clothing that any moron can learn to put on. Dry on ideas, he used the towel that landed on him and made a bathrobe. He put it on backwards because it covered the unmentionables, plus he had a thing for butts.
Throughout history, the Snuggie became a unrequited love for those who wanted superior comfort and tender coziness like a kitten. The market did not recognize the Snuggie, due to its cuddliness, which sent out bad messages in the medieval era, a time where whips and nails where considered tools of pleasure. By the 1800s, the rag cloth was the most sought out item in the world, that and the Queens undies, and people/losers where out in the streets begging for Snuggies, oh Joy! Pure idiots where involved in the revolution, like King Archibald the Hairless, French Scientist Dread Results, and Russian singer Iva Humpдlott. Puritans like Donald Trumps great-grandfather where member of the Holy Church of Snuggie. Members of this club (so soon to be later sect, later ring, later band, later church) would include Albert Einstein, Dick Tracy, Howard Hughes, and Elvis Costello. That's the reason they where all screwed up inside. Finally in 1999, they got their big break when Bill Clinton used a Snuggie to remove his love stains from a little run in with Monica. It receive international attention and disgust, and two months later, the Snuggie became the first cult to ever advertise. [more common sense needed]
How to become a member[edit]
What to join in? I don't know, its a pretty exclusive club. Well, you can join in one particular way, but you may not like it. First, you have to surrender your common sense and coolness, and BUY A SNUGGIE. Now, you may totally shunned by society, and your parents may disown you, along with total loss of friends, or even nerdy friends. But at least you will be accepted by your new found cult ...so of.
On a lighter note, according to Fonzi and Einstein, coolness is relative. Just keep on getting people into it, and when 51% of the population is into your Snuggie™, it will be socially accepted, no matter how f&*king stupid it is. All just because the majority is doing it. Before long, everyone will become Snuggians. Unless you are apart of those small group of independent thinkers that don't do what others are doing. For that, I salute you. Of course, you live is not going to be pretty, all you guys can really look forward to is getting assassinated and committing Rock suicides
See also[edit]
- Snuggie
- Pointless inventions
- True Pain
- Towel whipping
- Television
- Annoying the English
- Idiots
- Hairless Panda
- Fish
Pointless Video[edit]
File:The Cult of Snuggie
Another stylish video by Youtubers
 Could have been Featured ArticleThis article was featured on Uncyclopedia in some alternate universe, or alternate timeline. They are really one in the same. However, in this universe, it nomination was huffed.
|