St. Peter
St. Peter (born Simon "The Rock" Peter) is regarded as second only to Christ in the Christian hierarchy. He was recruited by Jesus to join his gang whilst out fishing for sprats in the Sea of Galilee in around 27 AD.
Personality[edit]
Peter was a big, burly guy who often acted as Jesus's bodyguard. It was his job to keep the fans of the new religion called at this time 'My Way or the Highway' beyond the barrier at live concerts. Jesus called Peter 'a perfect rock' for his rough exterior, rougher manners and er..being three loaves short of a miracle.
Peter's position in the Jesus's team (The Apostles) was unchallenged as he could always rely on his equally beefy brother Andrew to sort out fans and the other apostles. He was especially tough with Jesus's female fans including the dancing prostitute also known as Mary Magdelene.
With Jesus[edit]
Peter went with Jesus everywhere. His simple speech helped to translate some of Jesus's obscure stories and sayings. Jesus in turn treated Peter little better than a pet dog. He called Peter 'Old Faithful'.
When Jesus finally turned up in Jerusalem to go donkey riding, Peter was right there with him. He sat next to Jesus at the final supper and helped pay the bill when party went outside to watch the end of the world. When that didn't happen, Peter got shirty and got arrested by Roman soldiers by cutting off their offending ears. Jesus apologised to the Romans for the misunderstanding and magically restored them to their respective owners.
Denying Jesus[edit]
Jesus predicted Peter would disclaim all knowledge of him. After the arrest, Peter did exactly that, denying he was 'the thug with that Jesus lunatic'. When he said this a third time, a rooster crowed 'cock-a-doodle until shut up by Andrew.
Peter avoided going to Jesus's crucifixion and planned to return home and pursue his original plan to open a Fish and Chip shop in Capernaum. Three days later Jesus walks into a meeting of the apostles in freshly laundered white linen. Peter is overjoyed but then Jesus says he is 'needed back home' and disappears up a celestial tractor beam.
Leadership[edit]
Peter tries to take over the 'My Way or the Highway' religious cult but is blocked by the other apostles who instead select James, a brother of Jesus as their next leader. Peter can become 'Life President' but has no other role. He is allowed to keep Jesus's pet rock toy if that made him happy.
Unhappy that he is being left out of the loop by James, Peter moves to Antioch where he launches the Christian Religion. He tells everyone that the good news that God has walked among them. The bad news is he is back in Heaven after there was a bit of emergency plumbing required.
Peter then receives a message from James to return to Jerusalem as they have a new, powerful convert called Saul of Tarsus. Saul tells everyone to call him 'Paul' from now on and inquires how the 'Messiah business' is run in Jerusalem. James tells Saul...sorry Paul... to buzz off, blaming him for approving the murders of other Christians recently. Paul decides to hang around and then suggests he become a missionary for the non-Jewish population of the Roman Empire. James agrees, as does the recently returned Peter.
Did I mention Mrs St. Peter? Perhaps she was one of Jesus's sisters, called Salome/Rebecca/Ruth. The Apostles were all married except Saul/St.Paul.
Family Matters[edit]
In around 44 AD, Peter's brother Andrew was executed by King Herod Agrippa I for spreading Christian doctrine at a football match. Peter, not feeling very safe, leaves for Rome. He reasons it would be safer to go there than stay in Judaea and get killed.
New Business[edit]
Peter was happy to live as a foreigner in Rome. The locals spit at him and created hidden cesspits for Peter to walk into. He never does and this is considered to be a special power. Peter seems to have returned to Palestine to settle a new argument between James and Paul. Paul tells Peter he is a fool and the Christian religion is going to crap. No more talk of Jews being special. God has spoken, everyone can be saved if they follow the right plan. Peter returns to Rome.
Back in the capital Peter writes a few letters to Jesus fan clubs asking how they should remember the Messiah. Peter gets bored by this and asks his secretary Mark (later St.Mark) to write them instead. This apparently explains how Peter can correspond with people in perfect Greek.
Death[edit]
Peter never learnt Latin in his extended stay in the capital city. His command of Greek was nearly as bad and he couldn't read Hebrew. You had to struggle to listen to Peter's Galilean Aramaic as it was full of slangy loan words from Camp Latin.
Meantime back in Jerusalem, James was stoned to death, after being forced-fed six bags of cannabis. Paul is arrested for being a prick and sent to Rome. He goes to Rome where the local police detectives make the connection between Peter and him. Both are condemned to death by Emperor Nero who wants them to provide entertainment at the Circus Nero Soleil.
Paul just has his head cut off but Peter is condemned to be crucified. He said goodbye to his followers who called him Papa Peter (i.e. Pope Peter). He was succeeded by Linus. Obscurely Peter asks for an 'Australian death' and is nailed upside down and beaten to death with cricket bats. What was left of Peter was buried under the start-finish line of the stadium which later became a tomb and later still, the Vatican.
Upon Peter reaching Heaven, God immediately put Peter to work in the worst job in Heaven: Doorman.