New Continent Civil War

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“ what's this?”

~ Oscar Wilde on The new continent civil war

“In Soviet Russia, civil war new continents YOU!”

~ Russian reversal on The New Continent Civil War

The New Continent Civil War started when the government destroyed agricultural land in the Hillbilly Nation of America (HNA) in order to produce more bowling alleys,so the farmers gathered their pitchforks together to protest at the United States' capital, McLeod, North Dakota.

The farmers realized that the government had sent a SWAT team to disencourage the uprising, so they used their secret nerve gas, created from molding cow pies, against the city. Thus, began the small Battle of Záblatí, in which all farm grown salmon were injected with biological weapons.

United States Capital

Battle of the Lumberjacks[edit]

The Battle of the Lumberjacks began when the rural Hillbilly Nation demanded the assistance of their allies, the lumberjacks, in the new civil war. The lumberjacks were hesitant about the war, so instead of providing HNA with troops, they gave the hillbillies an unlimited supply of wood. Unfortunately, government spies received information about the lumberjack alliance and injected the nearby green grizzly bears, similar to those on St. Pierre and Miquelon, with a nuclear form of rabies. This decease caused the bears to kill all the lumberjacks in the region. After the massacre, only 7 Asian lumberjacks were left, so consequently they moved their ninja business back to Asia, away from the war. In the end, Abraham Lincoln, the leader of an especially furious yet unknown ninja clan, pwned them all with a lightsaber and the mastery of an ancient martial art called "frying."

The almighty fortress of the Lumberjack ninjas
Clinjas, crosses between clowns and ninjas, sided with the lumberjack ninjas for obvious reasons

American Organizations Participating in the War[edit]

The Battle of The Lumberjacks caused North America to divide into the urban cities vs. rural communities. The rural rebels created the New Continent Party (NCO), based in the United States, led by Subaru and a gang made of clones of the iPod Macro, further led by Darth Vader and George W. Bush, because they believed that if the country was controlled by primitive farmers, Subaru cars would sell faster. The NCO consisted of Idaho, Wyoming, Northern North Dakota, Montana, West Carolina, New Me-He-co, Utah, Colorado, Alaska, Kaho`olawe, Lanai, Ritual cannibalism, Texas, Megatexas, Beaumont, Wisconsin, Iowa, South Missouri, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Virginia Mississippi, Alabama, Montgomery, Vermont, and lastly, the angry Kansas City Royals. The Supreme Government Authorities Organization (SGAO), based also in America, consisted of Southern North Dakota, South Dakota, Florida, Tennessee, Darth Sidious, Toby Juan Kenobi, Maryland, Washington DC, Pennsylvania, New York, Ohio, Freeway 69, Interstate 80, New Hampshire, The Carolinas, Louisiana, Oregon, California, Washington, Michigan, Illinois, Delaware, New Jersey, New England, New Lichenstein, and The Yankees. Even though the majority of America was ready for war, several areas stayed neutral and were disputed. These areas include East Carolina, West Virginia, Indiana, Arizona, and most of the islands on Hawaii. Also, international organizations, such as the World Help Organization, the American Red Cross, the American Blue Cross, the American, Green Cross, the American Purple Cross, and the American Black Cross, along with many black people and almost all the outhouse, Lamborghini, and SPAM manufacturers, all helped in giving humanitarian aid, such as giving people McDonald's, free pens, computer viruses, etc. Yet still they all wonder where their daddy is. Stupid little spoiled rich kids...they're all going to burn in a big fire while saying, "Waaah! Where's my daddy??? Teh fie-ah ehs gonna eat me!!!"

What happens to arrogant little kids
George W. Bush, the ultimate military mastermind

The Battles of the Disputed Areas[edit]

After the humiliating defeat at The Battle of The Lumberjacks, NCO decided to siege the small, peacful city of Los Angeles, yet before their troops arrived in California, there overheard SGAO soldiers planning to intercept NCO troops. So, as the disapointed NCO soldiers made camp in Arizona, their chemical weapons and illegal drugs accidentally caught on fire. The raging wildfire soon traveled to the artic city of Pheonix, and supposidely killed the little-known Darth Gallbladder.

The infamous Darth Gallbladder

After discovering their defeat in Arizona, SGAO decided to fight for the ultimate prize, West Virginia. NCO also wanted West Virginia so they stationed their troops in the Appalachian Mountains parallel to Pennsylvania in the small territory of Appalacasotayneli. The Battle of Appalacasotayneli was going to be the first major battle in the new civil war, in which troops from both organizations would fight each other, but unfortunently, the battle would take place in the same general area that that the Battle of the Lumberjacks happened. So accordingly, the still rapid green grizzly bears killed all the soldiers and inhabidants living in Appalacasotayneli.

The Battle of Switzerland County[edit]

Before all the NCO soldiers were killed, they quickly retreated into Lexington, Kentucky (AKA Horseyland). Angry over having to retreat, the NCO soldiers decided to invade a nearby territory. Because of the famous NCO quote, "Frankly dear, I dont give a damn," SGAO spies automatically knew that NCO planned to attack Indiana. The SGAO troops quickly rushed toward the Indiana-Kentucky border, yet it was to late Northern Ireland had been destroyed. Unfortunently, the hillbilly troops seemed to outnumber the SGAO, well, by an lot. The local hoosier hillbilly who lead the army was named Väinö Tanner and happened to be the 4th president of Finland, the previously unheard of Colonel Franz Josef Hornisse . Since Finland was a overpopulated, dirty empire, Hornisse decided to hide his troops in the small, neutral country of Switzerland where the Finns would never find him. By his mistake, he retreated into Switzerland county, Indiana, but luckily, the NCO troops, who followed him, also believed it was the country. Franz Josef Hornisse told the county people to act like as if they were citizens of an alpine, neutral city who loved chocolate and made ricolas. The village people distracted the NCO soldiers with their fake Swiss chocolate, and they told the troops that if they ever fought a war in a neutral country, the annoying ricola lady would never stop blowing her horn instrument. Amazingly, the hillbilly soldiers dropped their weapons and ate chocolate, while the government attcked the troops from behind. Fearing the annoying ricola lady, the few surviving soldiers hid in a small town on Highway 156, yet they forgot their chocolate in the middle of the highway and went back to gewt it. Soon, a few drivers intoxicated from the cloud of chemical and drug smoke from Pheonix, ran over the soldiers and stole their chocalte. The SGAO later declared Highway 156 a national landmark and Franz Josef Hornisse the new commanding General of the Army and leader of SGAO.

George Bush, the head of one of the sides, in his "amphibious" Lamborghini while eating chocolate, showing he is better than you

Notable Deaths in the Battle of Switzerland County and the Commerative Song[edit]

► Väinö Tanner

Väinö is the one on the right... He enjoyed men's shoulders

► Balloonist Oscar Stolemywife

► General Raymond A. Spruance

► An Irish prostitute

► Random person named Chester

► Ricola Lady.... NOOOOOOOO

► Suicidal Giraffe

► General Olaf McIliman

Beaver Song!!! We like beavers more than we like broccoli or giant cheeky dinosaurs!!! Their not as good as beaver, Because we like brown. Their houses are called dams. And we like it cuz it's a naughty word!!! And parking meters... And a stopwatch... AAAAAND!!! a stopwatch Billions of stopwatch!!! Millions of stopwatch!!! AKA!!! Watchstop. PAR!!! KING!!! ME!!! TER!!!! lalallalallalalala we like all beaver!!!

General Olaf Mclliman showing us all how sexy he looks

The Spread[edit]

In only a couple of days, the whole world was familiar with The New Continent Civil War, yet the war only spread to Canada, Mexico, and Nicaragua. The Canandians were upset with the NCO's inability to win a battle, so they created a organization called the Canadian Armed Revolutionalry Response (CARR). As the Canadians gathered troops together, Mexico divided into two. Inasmuch as a couple of days, Me-he-co was created by mad, Mexican rednecks desiring to join-up with the suddenly slumping NCO. Me-he-co started as a illegal pot farmer association yet grew into something much more.

Ahhhh yes Me-he-co's greatest attraction

The Me-He-Cans, lead by Jackie Phillips, surrounded the Mexicans and were about to take over the capital city, yet they tragically dropped their... supplies over a cliff and decided to jump after it. Today, Pot Cliff is a historical battlefield honoring the stupidness of hippy rednecks.

Mario was the only known Me-he-can to actually have a picture taken. In fact this is an action photo of mario jumping over the cliff in order to find the missing pot.

Several, Nicaraguan nomads gathered together, but they forgot to take along Pepto Bismal and turned back.

The Alliance[edit]

Once Franz Josef Hornisse reteurned back from Switzerland County, the governent states honored him and he became a house-hold name. President George W. Bush, his adopted father, signed the USA- SGAO alliance. At this point, USA was just a collection of cities (McLeod, Flagstaff, the only city left in Arizona, Colorado Springs, and Lazaro Cardenas.) The deal was that USA would provide SGAO with money, improve foreign relations, and cheap Mexican surfboards.

Typical Mexican surfer.

SGAO, on the other hand, would provide USA with protection, a new advanced navy, and an unlimited supply of deadly salmon. As SGAO and USA teamed up, Canada became increasingly worried about CARR, so decided to take orders from the more powerful SGAO and USA. The American organizations gave Canada its first assignment to destroy all Canadian rebelion organizations, including CARR, while SGAO and USA continued to destroy NCO.

Other Notable Alliances and Treaties[edit]

Alliances ► NCO and ANPCA (American National Park and Caveman Association).

► Me-He-Co and Red Bull... who says sports drinks only have proteins and caffeine.

► CARR and MOTORCYCLE (Some cult affiliated with the KKK)

► The Kansas City Royals and Steroids... finally, something that can help them win.

► Switzerland County and Drunk Drivers On Earth (DDOE)

Ahhhh steroids (Which, by the way, is spiked with a little of Me-He-Co's attraction), now we know why he's smiling.


► The Treaty of Appalacasotayneli stated that because green grizzly bears ruled the area, no one would live in West Virginia and the state would become neutral.

► Treaty of Pepto Bismal stated that Nicaragua would exit The New Continent Civil War.

► The Act of Native American Protection was a very small treaty that, at first deemed unimportant, yet eventually changed the whole world.

The Canadian Death Crusade[edit]

In only a matter of days the majority of Canadian rebels had been killed by the government, and soon, the Canadian government would attempt to destroy the remaining organizations left, including CARR.

The Battle of Bawibuaxavar

With the cunning ideas of the Canadian general Gwidon Lowpost, the government set up an historical battle at the port of Bawibuaxavar. The Canadian government somehow convinced the almighty Me-He-Co to ship illegal pot into a small port in the stormiest section of Canada. General Gwidon pretended to retreat toward the Atlantic, so therefore, the CARR soldiers would follow them. The government lead CARR straight into the port were the CARR troops... experimented with the goods. After, the CARR soldiers were all drugged up, they were easy targets for the Canadian forces, and Canada forced CARR to surrender.

The Battle of The Dog Food

Only a few rebel organizations were left in Canada, and all but two would be captured in the Battle of the Dog Food. The Canadian troops realized that these associations used dog sleds to get around, so they created a massize bonfire that consisted of roasting dog food. The roasted dog food caused the: APAT (Alberta Protection and Troops), NBCRO (Northern British Columbia Rural Organization, STA (Saskatchewan Territorial Army), MFC (Manitoba Freedom Campaign), and NTMP(Nunavat Terrorist Military and Party)to all join in the terrible fire.The NWAAM (Northwest Alliance and Military) was on its way to the bonfire, when the dog mussers decided to watch a CFL game in Alberta and later parished in a terrorist bomb. The GYM (Greater Yukon Militia) was also on its way to the bonfire, when a terrible blizzard struck the north, causing the militia to temporarily (or so they thought) take shelter in a Native American village.

The Canadian troops were about to raid the Indian village, until they realized that the The Act of Native American Protection prohibited them from harming the Native Americans.

Typical Canadian Indians.

The Kwanlin Dün Tribe[edit]

Hearing of their miraculous luck, GYM realized that they were protected as long as they stayed in the boundries of the Kwanlin Dün tribe.

Davy Costache's high school sweethart.

Therefore, GYM encouraged all rebels willing to fight against the government, to rush to the Kwanlin Dün Nation to seek protection until they were ready to fight the Canadians. Davy Costache, the leader of the Yukon rebels devised an incredible plan to convert all rebels that came into thee nation into Native Americans (AKA: Canadian Native Americans who wanted nothing to do with Americans so they clled themselves Native Canadians.) Davy Costache, after looking back on the Act of Native American Protection, decided that if all off his soldiers were Indians, then the government could not harm them. So accordingly, Costache went to discuss the mass conversion with the Kwanlin Dün leader, Noble Apricot. They developed a plan to send out Kwanlin Dün missionaries to enigmatic safehouses where they could convert 8051 rebels at a time into Indians.

Actually, it wasn't a Smurf, it was Noble Apricot after he had an allergic reaction to heroin.

Thousands of people, including a hamster, were converted into Indians in only a few weeks, and thousands more rushed to the Kwanlin Dün tribe, preparing for the GYM rebellion.

The Candian Response[edit]

As GYM's rebel army increasinly became bigger, Canada demanded SGAO and USA to send troops to terminate all Canandian rebel organizations, yet the American organizations were hesitant. The American assotiations were aware of the laws that protected the Native Americans and had there own rebel uprisings to deal with. Therefore, the Canadians had to fight GYM and the indians using Burger King and imported terrorists. The Canadian Government strongly believed that the foreign terrorists would be too much for the rebels, yet unfortunetly, there was consequences.