HowTo:Stop Playing the Accordion
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So, you want to Stop Playing the Accordion. That's understandable - if you want to pick up members of the opposite sex, you need to have both hands free in order to rape them safely. The first thing you must realise is that in order to stop playing the accordion, you must first start playing the accordion. Please note that this is not a euphemism, so put that thing back in your pants and listen good. Or read good, unless you have that text-to-speech stuff. In which case, listen good. Or if you're all "picky" and "fussy" about grammar, listen well. Or read well. Now I'm confused.
Step 1: Acquiring an Accordion
Accordions can be quite daunting for a first time user, with the many options. We'll go through a few of the basic types.
Acoustic
Acoustic accordions can be found in most good music stores, some neutral ones, but are relatively rare in evil music stores. They can weigh anything from 5 grams to 27 kilotons, with the most common falling more towards the lighter end of the scale. The best acoustic accordions can be identified as having:
- A firm, supple squeezebox
- Pert, pouty keys
- Fewer than three bullet-holes
Electronic
Although providing a harsher, more vibrato sound, electronic accordions have found popularity amongst younger players due to their lighter weight, wider range, and faster reloading. They tend to be more expensive, with the more popular brands being available through Target and Borders. The most well-known brand is the Apple iCcordion. Some important safety tips for using electronic accordions:
- Do not use if cord is frayed
- Do not use in damp conditions unless properly insulated
- Do not use while juggling chainsaws
- Do not use while inside a nuclear furnace
Having trouble finding fuel for your steam-powered accordion? While weapons-grade polonium can be hard to find, newspaper can make an adequate substitute. Murdoch papers burn especially well.
Steam-powered
Steam-powered accordions tend to be popular with the latte-drinking poetry-reading beret-wearing set, ever since they were used in the storming of the Bastille. They are crass, useless things which tend to damage everything and everyone around them, and so are the accordions. The mechanism for powering them gives them a thin, reedy tone, not unlike scraping an axe down a chalkboard. They can be found lying on street corners near coffee bars, and should only be used by trained professionals or complete amateurs.
Free-standing
Free-standing accordions are better known as Grand Pianos, and are banned in most countries due to the danger of them crushing people when pushed off the top of stairs. They can be purchased via eBay, but make sure you have a license before purchasing one unless living in the country of Hasslehoff. Grand pianos have a loud, rumbling tone, followed by a wet squelch and a lawsuit.
Step 2: Playing the Accordion
Now that you've obtained your accordion, it's time to start playing it! You'll be the envy of all of your friends, if you have any. If not, would you like to be my friend? I'm a 10 year old girl living in - er, anyway, playing the accordion. Yes. Read on! And any FBI agents, could you just pretend that last sentence didn't exist?
Learning to Play
Several schools that teach a wide range of popular instruments exist worldwide to help you develop the skills necessary to tackle high-level accordion playing. Online guilds in City of Heroes can point you in the right direction, and several ex-Zune salesmen have turned to accordion teaching in order to offset hideous losses and scarring.
It can take many years of hard training to become an expert accordion player, and not every person has the drive and stamina to see it through to the bitter end. However, those that do finally reach the lofty rank of Black Neckstrap will know that they are members of a proud, select few that can truly call themselves anal retentive.
Make sure that you find a reputable venue in which to practice. These can be recognised by a secret symbol which I can teach you after you send a blank cheque to this address:
Behind the bowl
Third stall
Public toilet in Central Station
Finding Safe Places to Play
Accordions have been strictly regulated in every civilised country in the world, leaving only a few countries such as England, France and the USA to allow unlicensed accordion playing. Underground accordion clubs exist in many cities, and can be recognised by the large, fat mimes who act as bouncers.
Some well-known accordion-haunts include:
- The Luxembourg Inn, Düsseldorf
- The Düsseldorf Inn, Luxembourg
- The Cranky Swallow, London
- Bastard's Bar and Grill, Sydney
- Nerds'R'Us, Redmond
- Serbia.
- The Brass Rail, Clarkson, NE, USA
Step 3: Stop Playing the Accordion
Set the damn thing on fire.
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Featured version: 21 February 2007 |
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