Tuba

"The only real power comes out of the barrel of a tuba." -Joseph Stalin

The tuba, or some band perverts call it Two-Booby, is an oversized-instrument with a colorful history and a large spit valve.The players come down to obese minorities. It is very rare if you see a skinny white kid playing this instrument. Unless you are in Utah, then it's a common occurrence.

History

Tuba players are actually descendants of a small clan of Dunadain Rangers that descended from the ice glaciers in the late ice age and survived with various Anglo Saxon tribes. During this time they adopted the Anglo Saxon beliefs in the Norse gods. They believed that Odin (King of Gods) and Thor (The God of Thunder) were at war. They believed that they were Thor's chosen servants and that they were his warriors for battle, so in turn they believed that thunder storms were their battles and lighting was the heavenly sparks emitted from the blows of Thor's hammer (Mjolinr) against Odin's armor. During these storms the tribe would yell and bellow to the heavens in an effort to aid Thor's battle. Eventually the tribe began using large hollow logs as megaphones to amplify their bellows. One day one of the tribesmen, being the typical bronze Aztec god a tuba player is, accidentally played amazingly into one of the megaphones and thus created the traditional resonating mating-call like sound of the tuba. The tribesmen soon realized they could mimic the sound with their mouths and continued usage of this technique that was soon the standard of all the tribesmen. Over time the megaphones grew larger and eventually became coiled and made of brass.

There are many debates to where the origin of the actual word tuba came from; many believe that it is actually derived from the Anglo-Saxon word töbast (pronounced tubaist), meaning purest of all instruments. It is believed that other Anglo-Saxon tribes would call the tribe heroes after witnessing them during their battles. There is also a debate on how the tubaist tribe survived- mainly they were out cast from society and practiced until their intelligence far surpassed the level of any woodwind or puny brass player and then were able to filter into society while discreetly maintaining their beliefs and passing them down from generation to generation.

It is unknown when it happened, but Tuba tribes began to keep Russian Dwarf Hamsters as pets. It is said they would give them to the tuba monks who would in turn nurse them all back to health. Now this rare breed of hamster is highly valued amongst tuba enthusiasts and is thought that if you groom them to give them handlebar mustaches they can keep away angry spirits that would otherwise try and steal ones rehearsal points.

Tubaists today are not only moderately different from the Neanderthal tribesmen worshiping Thor. Other than their extreme intelligence and handsome looks, they are genetically identical to their Neanderthal ancestors. This has been possible because the chromosomes of a tubaist are naturally superior to all other human beings, and also bears.

"The band has changed. I feel it in the woodwinds. I feel it in the drumline. I smell it in the storage room. Much that once was, is lost. For none now live who remember it. It began with the forging of the great brass. Three euphoniums were given to the low brass, immoral, wisest and most ballsy of all beings. Seven to the trombone lords, great slackers and craftsmen of the misery of the rest of the band. And nine, nine trumpets were gifted to the upper brass, who above all else desired power. For within these instruments was bound the strength and volume to govern the woodwinds. But they were all deceived, for another instrument was made. In the land of Mordor. In the fires of Mount Doom, the dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master instrument, to control all others and into this instrument, he poured his masculinity, his dance skills, and his will to dominate all sections. One tuba to rule them all." -Tuba Myths & Legends, Volume I

Biology of Tubas

Tubas begin their lives as small euphoniums (not baritones, because they have 3 valves only), or even as the occasional trombone player that notices that he or she wants to switch to euphonium, and then gets drafted to become a tuba in a higher band, but quickly gain size and grow to become full-fledged adult tubas. Note that many euphoniums become confused as to their personality, becoming trombones conforming to natural awkwardness of orientation. The euphoniums feed on notes in treble clef, while an adult tuba feeds on notes in bass clef. Older tubas possess four keys instead of three, which allow them to consume extremely low-pitched notes, which would kill most other instruments. Tubas are extremely acidic and extremely dangerous, especially in packs, however, they are more of a danger to themselves than anyone else. A dozen tubas is a force capable of destroying entire ecosystems (unless there are, say, half a dozen grand pianos there). However, the tubas reproduce slowly, meaning there are seldom more than one or two in any given place.

The Noble and Ancient Art of Tuba Eating

Tubas, with their acidic metals can lead to massive heartburn and dysentery. Therefore, to properly eat a tuba, one must take 2500 tums. Moreover, The tuba must be deep fried in the oil of 90 mammals: shrews, rats, and a mouse. It must be stuffed with a cheese sauce made with cheddar, gouda, and super glue, and then be cut into bite sized pieces that are pickled in vinegar and salt. It must be swallowed with pop rocks and coke. Also the player must be either exceedingly fat, or have an amazing metabolism.

The Mating Ritual

A wild female Tuba player has appeared!

Unfortunately, most of the females of the species reject most of the males who play tuba, preferring players of other instruments or non-band people in general. This results in the species being in even more danger of extinction. Few tuba female players, however, have been known to accept the males of their section.

You must be warned that Tuba Players are an endangered species. A recent study said that the ratio of Tuba Players to all other instruments is 1:1134. The next closest is the glass harmonica at 1:132. So if you see a tuba player attempting to engage a female in a mating ritual, leave them alone!!!

Spit Valve Roulette

The goal of the game is to make someone mad. Go up to a fellow band mate, and ask him to randomly pick a valve. When said member has picked the valve, simply slide it out of the tuba and fling it in the direction of the band member. Lay your tuba down, and run. If you are still alive, congratulations, you win.

The Tuba Hierarchy

To help prevent dissent among the ranks of tuba players, a league had been assembled to carefully choose a hierarchy of tuba players, from least authority to most awesome.

The Skinny Tubas --> The Male Tubas --> The Fat Tubas --> The Female Tubas --> The Bearded Tubas --> The Black Tubas --> The Black Female Tubas --> The Swole Tubas