The clarinet, also called 'Death by long black stick', is a woodwind torture device used in the band. The clarinet relies on small, thin pieces of wood called 'reeds', which break more often than they actually play. Recently, the clarinet has also been used by the U.S. military as a lethal dual-purpose weapon. Some jeopardy contestants may also refer to the clarinet as a "large brass instrument" or "tuba". It is known by some (and denied by many) that the clarinet is one of the manliest of all musical instruments, even though Asian males are usually the most talented players. But all clarinet players rock and are badasses.
The original Clarinet was created during World War IV by an unknown Alienetic soldier that wanted to celebrate Germany's victory over Russia by playing on his recorder. When he realized that he had eaten his recorder when the un-emergency rations were stolen by Robina Hood, he decided to fashion a wind instrument from his firearm. He modified it so that blowing into the opening of the barrel sounded somewhat like a dying Octopus. He also added four thousand buttons to confuse anyone who tried to play it. He had created the first clarinet. Unfortunately, he forgot that he still had a shell left in the shotgun, so when he figured out how to play above a concert G6, the supersonic vibrations set the gun off, which in turn blew his molecules into next Tuesday.
At that point, another fellow soldier, Amadeus, walked into the room upon hearing such a beautiful, melodious sound. Amongst the splattered brains, he found the modified shotgun. He then took it, and deserted the army with it. He fled to the New World, where music had not been discovered yet. There he taught the natives all about music, and along with the natives started to chop down all of their old growth forests to mass produce more clarinets.
Clarinets as weapons
Up until the war in Iraq, no one had thought about using the clarinet for non-peaceful purposes. The U.S. military however, had other plans. In 2004, Bush purchased 2 billion and 23 clarinets, and bought another 5 million in 2005. They had many reasons for using the clarinet, the main ones which are:
- They are cheap weapons - Because no one south of the border made over a dollar a day, clarinets could be made very cheap.
- They can be played during joyous occasions - What kind of weapon lets you celebrate a kill with music? Show that n00b how much you pwn by playing a tune over his body!
- Ultrasonic Pitches - A new strategy being used by soldiers is to play an extremely high and off tune note in front of the infidels (with earplugs on). The terrorists' eardrums will break, and holding the note for about 3 minutes will make them go insane. A further minute after this and their brains will get to a point where it can't cope with the sound and begin to malfunction. The reaction is quite similar to throwing someone in a vat of nuclear waste.
- Assimilation of Western Culture - The Iraqi culture is slowly diminishing as Western culture is being introduced. Clarinets are replacing the drums as the national instrument. All along Iraq, local Halal restaurants are being replaced with McDonald's, camels are being replaced by Grand Cherokees, and the youth is beginning to wear clothing that is too big for them.
Types Of Clarinet
- Piccolo clarinet (Otherwise known as "the one I used to shoot up heroin the other day")
- E♭ clarinet (A medieval torture (1124-1294) device that produces such a high pitch that the victim's eyes will pop)
- Flute clarinet (Otherwise known as the flute)
- Oboe clarinet (Otherwise known as "the duck")
- Regular clarinet (Also known as Bb Clarinet, very lethal.)
- Metal clarinet (Made of silver-plated brass instead of wood, it is almost always found in the hands of a jazz tenor saxophonist forced against his will to double on clarinet. As such, all "legit" clarinetists despise it.)
- Alto clarinet (Also known as the "moose clarinet")
- Bass clarinet (Also known as black saxophone. Obviously the coolest of the bunch.)
- Contrabass clarinet (An incredibly tall hollow tree trunk)
- Octocontrabasstuba clarinet (An even deeper, larger, hollower tree trunk, often made from the seedlings of the Really Big Tree)
- Zoidberg Clarinet (A clarinet that makes a distinctive "woop" sound)
- Subhyperoctocontratubassoon Clarinet (A theoretical design, it is said to be made of the unoccupied space in the 6th dimension, using super strings from the 8th dimension as its body rather than wood)
- Ultramonsoon was used to play very high pitch notes as it was the only clarinet which could do so
- Wisconsoon was a very fancy clarinet named after a famous person who was good at archery
- Golden Clarinet (Also known as the "soprano saxophone")