HowTo:Improvise weapons

You never know when you will get attacked by an angry gang that wants you dead and/or gay retard (or maybe even an angry gang of gay retards that wants you dead) so that's why we make these nifty improvised weapons out of household items. Make sure you make these under direct supervision of a responsable adult if you are under the age of ten of if you suffer from mental conditions that make you unpredictable and violent. NOTE: If you want to add another weapon to the list, be sure to put it in the right position in the list, according to how hard it is to make. Also, the article author would like it if all weapons could remain at least relatively realistic. It's more fun that way.

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Wooden club

In principle, the club is a very simple weapon. In practice, there are many different kinds of clubs, some of them more effective than others.

If you want, you can just take a short, heavy stick and call it a club. However, if you want a really properly made club, you should make sure you get a fresh, strong piece of wood and use a knife to carve out a well-fitting handle on the small end of the stick. There are other ways to improve your club as well, including hammering nails through the end or bolting pieces of metal onto it. Painting it is also an option. Red is a good paint color to choose, as it will help to mask the blood stains of your pummeled nemesis.

Elastic band

This one doesn't even require any building, all it takes is an elastic band. There are two main ways of shooting elastic bands:

1. Hook the elastic band around your left thumb, pull back on the close side with your right hand, aim at target and release.

2. Put your right hand into the shape of a gun. Curl your right baby finger around one side of the elastic band so that it is held in place, pull the other side up behind your right thumb and hook it around the end of your right index finger. To fire, straighten your baby finger.

3. (The most powerful) This will also involve pieces of paper. Cut a strip of paper about 4 cm wide and as long as you wish (the longer the better). Roll it in to make a kind of flattened cigarrette. Now fold this in half. If it is hard use your teeth, this means you've done it well. Repeat this to build as many ammo as you want. Now put the band in your thumb and index fingers of your right hand. Use this as a bow/slingshot to fire your specially > shaped bullets using your left hand. Practice first to get a good aim. Try to hit people in bare skin or in places where clothing is close and sticking to it for maximum effects. After one or two hits they should be crying for mercy.

Which one of these you use is largely a matter of personal preference. It is suggested that anyone who wants to use elastic bands as weapons should try out all three ways and figure out which one they like best.

Homemade Mace

Self explanatory. You will need:

• Round stone (As big as a softball)
• Super glue
• Thorns
• Mop/Broomstick
• Hands
• Brain
• Eyes
• A victim
• A Medieval speech
• Flowers
• Vodka
• Legs

Creation:

1. . Glue thorns on the round stone.
2. . Glue round stone to broomstick.
3. . With your eyes, look for a victim.
4. . Surprise victim then smack him on the face with the mace.
5. . Make a medieval speech, then sprinkle flowers on the body.
6. . Wash with vodka, then run like hell.
7. . Smite witnesses with mace.

Well done. You're a medieval psychopath.

Apple trebuchet

Many people prefer to just throw apples at their enemies. However, there is a much more effective way to do it. Take a stick (or any long, thin, hard object you can find that isn't attached to your body), stab it through the middle of the apple and use it as a sling to throw the apple. This process can greatly increase range and power, and apples thrown this way will sometimes explode in a shower of sticky, sugary apple sauce on impact. This same method can also be used to throw other fruits such as pears, oranges, grapefruits and pomegranates.

Straw blowgun

Straw blowguns are quite easy to use. Just get a plastic drinking straw, find some ammunition, pack it into the straw, put one end of the straw in your mouth and blow. Be careful the ammunition isn't too sticky, or it will jam in the straw and you will only wreck your ears trying to blow it out. Contrary to popular belief, it is actually better to put the ammunition in the end of the straw that goes in your mouth, because this will give it more acceleration time and it will go much faster when it finally exits the straw. You may want to keep a toothpick or some other thin object to pack the ammunition a centimeter or two into the straw; your finger isn't big enough. If you have access to straws of different sizes, use whichever one best fits your ammunition, although in general bigger straws are usually more powerful.

Here are some good ideas for things to use as ammunition:

• Cooked peas
• Kidney beans
• Pebbles
• Wads of wet paper
• Chunks of plasticine
• Bits of broken eraser
• Tic-Tacs (Use a Jack In The Box straw they fit perfectly)

You can also poke pins through some of these to increase their potential damage.

Straws with bendable necks can also be used, but are generally less powerful because the ammunition must be stuffed into the end you don't put in your mouth. However, they can be very useful for shooting around corners without actually putting yourself in your enemy's line of fire.

Another idea is to make your straw blowgun into a harpoon gun. This works best when using something with a pin stuck through it. Tie a thread to the front end of the ammunition and either hold the other end or tie it to the straw. Now, after your ammunition has struck its target, you can get it back with a yank of the thread rather than having to walk over and get it.

B pipe gun

you will need:

• Modeling clay
• Ammo

(Here are some good ideas for things to use as ammunition:

• Cooked peas
• Kidney beans
• Pebbles
• Wads of wet paper
• Chunks of plasticine
• Bits of broken eraser
• Tic-Tacs

You can also poke pins through some of these to increase their potential damage.)

• Oxygen tanks with tube or blow really hard into it.

Step 1-Model the clay into a round clay pot, (Don't Forget the three barrels.), and Add The Tube where you blow in, or it won't work (Tip:Make the tube the size that you can blow on with your mouth.) make sure the pot is round and plump. Then let dry, and make sure the shape is the same when dry,(Air Dry clay is a must).

Step 2 Fill it up with the ammo of choice. Remember, it can only be

• Cooked peas

• Kidney beans

• Pebbles

• Wads of wet paper

• Chunks of plasticine

• Bits of broken eraser

• Tic-Tacs (Use a Jack In The Box straw they fit perfectly).

You can also poke pins through some of these to increase their potential damage.)

Step 3: Then, Blow super hard on the tube on the top, and watch your enemy get shot!

Painting is optional.

Dimmy's light machine gun

you will need:

• something to convince dimmy. he's like jib, except awesomer.
• 200 round of ammo

so, yeah. you just need make the magazine for the OA-93 iirc larger. the trick is to not be surprised by it's size. And to be severely retarded.

Box Of Peanuts

Seriously, It's a Pie Gun,(But With Or Without The Crank And Has A Honeycomb Set Of Chambers,3 in each Row.), But It Now Shoots Peanuts.

Just Fill Up The Banana Clip And Fire.

You Can Get New Ones, Like The Peanut Shotgun,Now With a Recoil Pad. To Improve:

• Put A Silencer On The Back End Of The Gun. It'll Make Your Enemy Feel Like They've Ben attacked By the psychopath.
• Get Some Wood, Put A Sharp Point On The Peanut, And Load it In The Gun And Shoot.
• Optional:Put An "Open Your Mouth In Front Of The Hole" Sign. It'll Be Funny When the Choke on the peanut.

Spear

This is a very basic weapon, but still somewhat harder to make than the wooden club. Get a good stick about two meters long and whittle down the end to make a nice sharp point. To use the spear, hold it in both hands with your non-dominant hand closer to the sharp end and poke your target with it. If you want to go to the extra work for a superior spear, get a kitchen knife with a wooden handle and a sharp pointy end, pry the handle off, split the end of your spear, drill some holes in the side (you can use the pegs on the knife to find the right places to drill the holes) and put the knife into the end with the pegs in the holes. To keep it from coming apart, you can wind some duct tape around the split part of the spear.

Some other ways to improve your spear:

• Peel the bark off the stick to make it look better
• Wrap some leather around it to make it easier to hold
• Cut barbs into the end (this will tear your enemy's flesh when you pull the spear out after attacking them; this increases the power of your spear but unfortunately also makes it harder to use)
• Put poison on the end (even a bit of soap, laundry detergent, paint thinner, insect repellant or habanero pepper juice can help poison your target)
• Paint the spear
• Toss the whole mess and just use the knife

Elastic band ballista

Find an elastic band and a chopstick (plastic, wood and bamboo all work). Use a knife to whittle the end of the chopstick down to a nice point. Now put the elastic band around the thumb and index finger of your non-dominant hand, use your dominant hand to place the chopstick with the dull end against the close side of the elastic band and the rest of it resting on the far side of the elastic band, pull it back and release it. If you do it right, your ballista bolt should go flying through the air and land several meters away.

Once you understand the principle, there are several ways to modify this basic design:

• Snip the elastic band and attach it to both ends of a stick, then rest the chopstick on the stick instad of the elastic band
• Use a needle or pin taped or glued to the end of the chopstick rather than just sharpening it
• Put poison on the end of the chopstick (even a bit of soap, laundry detergent, paint thinner, insect repellant or habanero pepper juice can help poison your target)
• Add fins to the chopstick to keep it more stable in flight
• Paint the chopstick
• Light the chopstick on fire (note that this prevents the chopstick from being reusable)
• Use skewers instead of chopsticks (less power, but can be bought in bulk and are pre-sharpened)

Doubled Daggers

Get pair of scissors(the bigger the better) Unscrew the screw connecting the scissors There now you have double daggers.

TO MAKE BETTER: learn to throw so you can hit at a distance paint it with so bad-ass colors come to your senses and use a knife, or better yet buy a sword.

Alternate method:

Use two ink pens.

Molotov Cocktail

This is a classic homemade weapon, and also quite effective for how easy it is to make. The things you will need are a bottle of beer or pop (make sure it is a glass bottle; plastic bottles are harder and much more dangerous to use), a rag, a cork and plenty of gasoline. To begin with, open the bottle and drink its entire contents. If it was beer, wait an hour or two before making your molotov cocktail in order to avoid accidentally burning yourself. When you are ready, pour some gasoline into the empty bottle, let about four centimeters of rag down into the neck of the bottle and jam the cork in. Make sure the cork is in snugly so that the rag and the gasoline are both held in.

To use your molotov cocktail, pour a little more gasoline or some oil (the latter is safer) onto the rag, light it on fire and throw the bottle. If possible, try to make sure it lands on a hard surface to increase the chances of the bottle smashing.

A few interesting things to throw molotov cocktails at:

• Your brother-in-law
• Your neighbor's doghouse (the effect is more interesting if the neighbor is chained inside)
• Your neighbor's car
• The local gas station (be sure to get to a safe distance of 100 meters after throwing the molotov cocktail)

Once a big wnough fire is made, try throwing any kind of spray can into it and watch the fun. (armor all works GREAT)

Baking soda and vinegar grenade

Baking soda and vinegar grenades can be made out of any watertight container. However, Uncyclopedia suggests film canisters, due to their small size, tight-fitting caps and handiness for throwing; we will use film canisters in our example here. The idea is that the baking soda and vinegar inside the container will react with each other, producing water (H2O), carbon dioxide (CO2) and sodium asspotato (CH3COONa). The carbon dioxide will be under pressure, and it is this pressure that will burst the container open. Unfortunately, here you have a problem: The vinegar and baking soda will react the moment they contact each other, rather than waiting nicely for you to throw the grenade at your enemies first. However, there is a solution for this. Don't mix the vinegar and baking soda immediately. Instead, put only vinegar into the film canister and put on the lid (vinegar must not be left out in the air, or it will evaporate). Get some gelatin capsules; we suggest the largest size for maximum effectiveness) and fill them with baking soda. When you want to use the grenade, just open the film canister, drop two to four (depending on size) armed capsules in, snap the lid on tight and throw the grenade. If you're fast enough, you can increase the power of your grenades by wrapping scotch tape around the film canister lengthwise between snapping the lid back on and throwing it (this will increase the pressure inside the film canister when the grenade finally explodes). Another idea is to put a few drops of food coloring in the vinegar when you initially prepare the grenades, to make them more spectacular and frightening. Try mixing all sorts of different colors and see the effects! Also note that if you're just playing around with these grenades, the film canisters can be washed afterwards and reused.

A more advanced variation uses a plastic bottle cap instead of gelatin capsules. Fill it with baking soda, then balance it tightly, but not too tightly, in the film canister. When the film canister is thrown, the cap will come loose and your grenade will explode. This version is more useful because the bombs go off in mid air and are not triggered if you wait too long. They can be prepared up to days before use.

Paperwasp Crossbow

A dangerous twist to the classroom paperwasp, not great foir holding off thugs in gangs but excellent if your schoolmates make a common occurrence of paperwasp wars. Mine doesn't fit in me schoolbag but it's still a hell of a lot of fun. I have actually made this device, it works quite well and with my special design of paperwasps can draw blood from a decent range.

You will need:

• 3 egg lackies
• roughly 110cm of 2.5cm x 5 cm jarah stakes
• bandsaw or just a regular saw (if your parents don't have two industrial sheds like mine do)
• 8 tec screws (the screws that don't split wood)
• 8 cable ties
• chisel
• wood file
• texta + ruler
• wood glue

Step 1. using the texta, ruler and saw, measure out 60cm from there 40 cm and then 10 cm (the wood that's left) and cut along the marks.

Step 2. the 60cm will be the runway of the crossbow, 10cm from the tip underneath of the side you wish to use for the runway cut, chisel and file out a groove halfway through the wood 5cm wide.

Step 3. on the second longest piece of wood halfway across make a smooth groove using the saw, chisel and file halfway through the wood 5 cm wide.

step 4. fit the grooves together to check to see if they fit well, if they doo wood glue and tec screw (using two tec screws) from the bottom then cable tie the two pieces together to make sure the stay still.

step 5. 2cm from the edges on the horizontal piece of wood tec screw one tec screw for each side. wood glue the bits for strength then to keep the piece of wood from splitting use two cable ties on each end.

step 6. once secure and dry 1.5 cm from the original tec screw on the inside screw of the previous two tec screws tec screw another tec screw each and triple wide EACH of the egg lackys between the two inside tec screws.

step 7. Cable tie the two sets of tec screws together nice and low so that the bands can't escape.

Step 8. tec screw the final piece of wood anywhere underneath the bow to act as a handle ( you don't want to get your fingers trust me big bruise if full draw string.

Step 9. make sure the design is sturdy and enjoy.

P.s. if you're ingenuitive enough feel free to add a trigger.

The paperwasps of death add on!! you will need:

• magazine page(s) A4 in size prefferably
• rubber band (for firing the paper wasps)
• scissors
• glue (good quality pasty glue needed)
• Stapler + staples (really good kind, industrial quality)

Step 1. cut the magazine lengthways into 3 cm strips and wrap up extremely tightly.

step 2. when one fold from the end glue the last bit and hold.

step 3. staple through from the inside of the paper wasp twice on each wing of the wasp.

step 4. fold into a V and use two heavy items to hold in that shape till glue dries.

Step 5. Fire, if done corerctly, draws blood.

Claws

First, get a pair of gloves (work gloves are suggested for their durability) and some tape or glue. Find any kind of small, pointed objects such as pins, needles, nails, screws, bamboo skewers, razor blades, straightened fishhooks or broken penknife blades, and tape or glue them to the fingers of the gloves with the sharp ends pointing out. Make sure they are attached to the part of the gloves where the last joints of your fingers will go. If you don't have enough sharp objects, you could always just do the glove for your dominant hand only. For needles, pins and fishhooks, you may run into a problem of them poking back through the glue or tape and coming off; you can solve this by bending the dull end around in a loop first. Finally, you can paint your gloves some bad-ass color (like black or red) to make them more impressive.

Aluminium blade discus

For this one you will need access to some good wire cutters and a can opener. Open a can with the can opener and take the round metal end off completely. If the can is empty, you can do the same thing with the other end. Now take the round pieces of metal you got off the can and use the wire cutters to cut the edge into a series of triangular blades. Make sure all the blades point in the same direction. Once you've done that, bend all the blades clockwise relative to the plane of the disc (or anticlockwise if you are left-handed), to give your homemade blade discus the helicopter effect it will need to stay aloft while spinning. Finally, it is often a good idea to stick a rock or some plasticine to both sides of the center of the blade discus to give it more stability in flight.

To throw your blade discus, hold it in your dominant hand with the leading edges of the blades pointing up, put your hand back by your other side and fling it at your target, being careful to keep it level and spin it as you do so. It may take some practice to learn how to do properly, but once you master it you'll be able to amaze your friends with your l33t ninja skills!

FLAME THROWER

note:this weapon is EXTREMELY dangerous not to be used by retards or teenage girls.(But really what's the difference.) youll need duck tape, oil, and watergun, and matches.

1] tape match to the end of the muzzle of the watergun make sure match is directly in front of watergun. 2] fill watergun with flammable oil. 3] light match and pump oil out and watch the jet of fire!!!!

to make better: squirt target with gasoline get safe distance away and shoot.

Car battery taser

First, get a small cardboard box just big enough to hold a car battery. Put a charged car battery in the box and (while being careful to use rubber gloves or condoms to protect your hands) attach two insulated wires, one about one meter long and the other two meters long, to the terminals of the battery. Get about a 1-meter stick and glue both a second 1-meter wire and the meter of the 2-meter wire farther from the battery to the stick every ten centimeters or so. Leave about two centimeters of both wires sticking off the far end of the stick and use a knife to remove the plastic insulation from these ends. Glue the 1-meter wire connected to the battery to the stick near the close end, leaving just one or two centimetres between it and the other 1-meter wire. Put a small, thin, flat piece of metal over one of the wires and glue or screw it on, then glue a small spring underneath it so that it will only contact the other wire when pressed down. Finally, either put the cardboard box in a backback or put a handle on it, to make it easier to carry.

To use your taser, put on your rubber gloves or condoms, hold the end of the stick closest to the battery, poke whatever you want to stun with the other end and press down the flat piece of metal. If you built it right and the battery is charged, any animal or person you hit will receive a nasty shock.

Your fucking fists

This is one of the most complicated 'weapons' to make and requires vast amounts of intelligence.

Construction

Step 1: Curl back your fingers and thumb.

Step 2: Print certificate.

Step 3: Check to see why your certificate is taking so fucking long to print.

Step 4: Look at your printer and determine its manufacturer. Denounce that company to be retarded.

Use

Step 1: Bring back your arm (preferably with your fist still attatched).

Step 2: Fling your arm forward quickly, aiming to hit the attacker/ helpless victim squarely in the face with your 'weapon'.

Step 3: Refer to step 2 of Construction.

Note: 'weapon' refers to your fist, and is definitely not a euphanism for your penis. Do not use your penis in self defence, especially if you are pre-pubescent and your attacker is a zombie Michael Jackson.

PVC Pipe Tomahawk/Spiked Club(s)

Works well thrown or as a spiked club up close, best used on creepy people watching kids play from their van.

Ingredients

• A sturdy, thick piece of PVC pipe, 12 - 18 inches in length.
• A hammer
• 2-3 very large nails

OR

• 1-2 railway spikes

Optional

• An axe handle

Construction and Use

Variation #1 (Nails)

• Begin by driving the nails through the pipe near the end of the pipe.
• Make sure they are in the same direction and about 1 inch apart.
• The best sized nails will allow for 3 1/2 inches of nail sticking through with the excess (and un-pointed side) hammered to the left and right around the pipe.

Note that this variation is better suited for clubbing and stabbing up close than thrown. You can also dress it up with barbed wire, paint, tape and whatever else you would like.

Variation #2 (Rail Spikes)

• Drive your railway spike(s) through the pipe near the very end of the pipe.

Yeah, that's it- I don't know where you would get rail spikes anyways but aside from that... 2 Spikes in the same end decreases effectiveness as a ranged weapon as well as overall penetration, but it won't get stuck as much up close and causes more blunt trauma. If you want to throw it more than swing it, you can put the other rail spike in the exact opposite place as the first (other end facing the other side) to counter weight the first one giving more balance as well as much more chance of a successful solid hit or stab if you will. (2X the chance, technically...) Again, feel free to dress it up and add more nails and pointy bits.

Variation #3 (Axe Handle) Assuming you lost the head to your favourite axe it can still serve you well, here is how.

Option I (Ugly and brutal)

• Ram some nails and/or spikes into the end of your handle in one general direction.
• Add whatever other things you can wedge into it, like wrapped barbed wire, knives and knife blades or screws.

Option II (Warspike)

• Just get 1-3 rail spikes and have them cleanly hammered in an inch or so apart.

They both look sick shit and rip apart the faces of pedophiles quite nicely. Work well paired with a couple PVC Pipe Tomahawks.

The RIPper

This is a variant of a chainsaw, use only in crowds or hordes.

What you will need: 1. A small fan, prefferably 2 feet tall. 2. A round and sharp object, like the top of a can. Prefferably medium sized, such as 1 foot. 3. A hammer. 4. Some nails. 5. A board of wood, about as big or bigger as the base of the fan. 6. Some string. 7. Something you can pull back or retract, like a light switch. 8. A bottle of glue. (OPTIONAL) A handle of some kind

Now, here are instructions to build The RIPper.

1. Disassemble the fan and collect the motor, the trigger to the motor, and the base of the fan. Remove the fan blades. Glue the motor to the base of the fan, then nail the base to the board.

2. Take the sharp object and attach it to the motor using glue.

3. Take the trigger and hammer/glue (Depends on size) it to the board of wood.

4. Take the string and glu one end to the motor's trigger on the fan, and glue the other end to the retracting object.

Congrats, you now have a CHAINSAW!!!

Optionally if you have a handle, you can nail it to the side or top of the chainsaw so it's easier to handle.

To use:

Pull back the switch. Thats it, just pull it back. WARNING: Keep ALL body parts away from the front end.

Spear Gun

This is an extremely simple to use and easy to make weapon that can be made with cheap parts from any hardware store.

Materials:

1. PVC tubing aprox 1-2cm thick and 15-20cm long.

2. An industrial straight elastic band.

3. A pack of skewers or toothpicks.

4. A drill.

Method:

1. Drill two holes at opposite sides of the pipe 1-2cm from the bottom.

2. Tie the elastic band in the holes so that it's tight against the base, if it's too lose cut the elastic band to shorten it.

3. Load the skewers into the front end of the pipe. Pull the elastic band while holding the skewer and release.

It can cover a range of over 10 meters and could kill a turkey at close range.

Ring Impailer

Materials: Ring, key ring that fits on your finger well is better. Masking tape, works best even though any will do. Small Screw, helps keep it unnoticable, about 1/2"

Construction: Take the ring an make it so the screw can go through it, the reason a key ring works well, use the tape to hold it in place more effectively by wrapping it around the screw and ring. On the tip of the screw, force the screw through the tape.

Use: put it on your finger, screw pointing up, and punch, preferably on open skin or thinner clothing.