WWE Smackup: Roid Rage

WWE Smackup: Roid Rage is a next generation cooking video game produced by Vince McMahon the Chairman of the Board of WWE Entertainment. It is based on the Smackup TV show aired on The CW Network that glorifies steroid (aka Roid) use that tends to lead its users into anger management issues (aka rage) which makes them better cooks and wrestlers.

The Game History

Vince McMahon, chairman of the WWE, and inventor of Roiderade.

The WWE had many wrestling video games made, but critics kept saying they weren't realistic. Games like Wrestlefest and Wrestlemania introduced the steel cage and battle royal matches, but they were boring and predictable. Sort of a bash the buttons to beat up the other guy type of video game wrestling. The fans wanted something better. WWE Raw was made with a create your own wrestler option, but due to dyslexia the name would have been "WWE War" and instead was called Raw, which made no sense. Vince McMahon tried to correct it by saying "Raw is War!" but the option to use raw meat as a weapon in hardcore matches didn't do that well.

Mr. McMahon, inspired by the US Government investigating the WWE for steroid use in the 1980's, and Mr. McMahon getting away with it, mocked the US Government by making a show called WWE Smackup. Smackup meaning that the wrestlers were smacking up with steroids. Mr. McMahon had advised his wrestlers to use "ruthless aggression" in their matches or he would fire them.

To solve this problem, Mr. McMahon created Roiderade brand sports-entertainment drink. He made "Asshole" flavor and "Muscle" flavor. For wrestlers like Edge, he would give a case of "Asshole" flavor which gave small muscles with an Asshole personality, for Hulk Hogan he gave "Muscle" flavor which gave him big muscles without the Asshole side-effect but with the anger affect, for Triple H he gave both the "Asshole" and "Muscle" flavors.

Edge became an asshole, and stole Lita, a girlfriend of Matt Hardy, and had live sex on the show calling it a "Smackup". Edge, a former nice guy, continued on his asshole roid rage and drank even more Roiderade and Smackedup Lita on the show every time he could. The show was rated-R and Edge become the rated-R superstar, and gave the Smackup show its name and lead to the game of Smackup: Roid Rage.

The Roiderade was more successful than Mr. McMahon had hoped for, but it had an side-effect of causing serious rage issues like "Stone Cold" Steve Austin beating up people for no known reason. It was called "Roid Rage" by the press, and so Mr. McMahon named his next generation video game "WWE Smackup: Roid Rage"

New Features

WWE Smackup: Roid Rage has new features never before seen in a wrestling video game. It has a "Soap Opera" mode in which you trash-talk and bully the other wrestlers for 50% of the game time, while the other 30% of the game involved wrestling matches, while the remaining 20% of the game involved Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler talking about "Fruity Fruity Skittles!", "Subway Sandwiches Eat Fresh!", "Just for Men Hair Coloring Kits", "Autozone", and other commercials they try to brainwash the viewers into buying their sponsor's products and services.

In order to get title shots, the game is very hard to get title shots just like in real wrestling. There is a glass ceiling that prevents most wrestlers from getting title shots in the game, just like in the real WWE. One way is to marry Mr. McMahon's daughter Stephanie and get her impregnated, and then you can get as many title shots as you want, but have to quit to raise the baby nine months later. Another way is to agree to work for Mr. McMahon as an action movie actor/rapper in a very bad movie that earns millions of dollars but pays you only a small fraction. Another way is to show really ruthless aggression in a smashmouth style and take as much steroids as you humanly can and take on wrestlers that Mr. McMahon holds a grudge with like JBL, only you could get injured and have to give up the title.

Don't cross Vince McMahon or you may have to kiss his ass like William Regal did here.

Naturally you don't want to cross the boss and make Mr. McMahon angry at you. If you do, you may be asked to join an elite club called the "Kiss My Ass Club". You might get asked to wear a dress and wrestle in it. You might get fired and then your career is over. Your character might get re-written to be gay or something. You might end up in a match with the 70 year-old Mr. McMahon and two other wrestlers that beat you up to a bloody pulp. In order to avoid making Mr. McMahon angry, you must do as he tells you to do. That means doing a "job" for one of his favorite wrestlers, meaning that you take a dive.

It could mean that you take a match against another wrestler who is bigger than you, but Mr. McMahon holds a grudge with. Of course you can try to get a contract with the WCW, ECW, or Ohio Valley Wrestling leagues but wouldn't you know it, Vince McMahon bought them out so that he'd have a monopoly plus the wrestlers he personally screwed cannot go someplace else and wrestle.

Points are awarded for following the script in a wrestling match, every time the referee or your opponent tells you what the next move is, and you make it, you score some points. If you don't make the move or do a different move, you lose points. The more points you earn, the more money you make.

You use your money for training, equipment, outfits, and buying more Roiderade so you can become more of an asshole or have bigger muscles. Sometimes you get injured and have to pay a hospital bill because Vince is too cheap to offer health insurance.

These new features makes WWE Smackup: Roid Rage one of the most realistic professional wrestling games of all times.

New Playable Characters

Kane, a Steve Ballmer look-a-like, drinks his Roiderade to bulk up.

• MVP - Montel Vontavious Porter - Ex-Power Ranger turned professional wrestler.
• The Boogieman - African American stereotype with a red painted face who eats worms and then spits them on his opponent as a finishing move.
• The Great Khali - 7 foot 4 Giant from India who speaks like the Tasmanian Devil
• The Highlanders - Scottish stereotypes who wear kilts and use the Lockness Monster to distract the ref while hitting their opponents with broken bottles.
• Dolph Ziggler - Bleach blonde all round awesome dude who is roid king 2008.

The Undertaker, wearing his Doctor Who outfit to look scarier by changing his look every 3 years.

• The new improved Undertaker - Look how scary he looks wearing his mother's black eye mascara around his eyes as he rolls them back in his head.
• Dave Batsta "The Animal" - Quit his job at Starbucks to Wrestle.
• Rey Mysterio Jr. - Spider-Man wannabe, too short to wrestle but they let him anyway.
• Kane - The Undertaker's Brother, looks like Steve Ballmer on steroids, same anger management issues as well as Ballmer.
• The Miz - They scraped the bottom of the barrel and got him from some reality TV show, gave him a Mohawk and use him as a "jobber" for other wrestlers to score wins off of him.
• Victoria - The only so called "Female" on the game. Although his feminism has been brought into question.
• Fitz Finley - Drunken Irishman who cheats using a Shillelagh when his side-kick "Hornswaggle" the leprechaun distracts the referee. Overuse of Irish stereotypes here. Does everything to cheat, except Riverdance. As a shocker to all, Hornswaggle turned out to be the bastard son of Vince McMahnon and the little bastard actually went on to win the Cruiserweight title.
• Paul London & The Brian Kendrick - Former stuntmen who thought that this was a movie, but got in anyway, because they didn't care much for death.
• Rapping Kurt Angle - Oh shit, he's back. TNA didn't want him, so he agreed to return to the WWE for half his salary. Now he is a hip-hop rapper. "John Cena, is a weinar! Kurt Angle, will hurt your ankle!" As an added bonus, rap battle is now available.
• █████ ██████, well actually he got drafted to ECW and was going to win the ECW championship, until he backed out at the last minute due to family issues. He took on a match against his family and won, but ended up killing his wife and child as well as himself. This article had predicted "roid rage" issues in professional wrestlers and Uncyclopedia sort of saw this one coming. In honor to █████ ██████, you get to play him in this game with all of his roid rage issues.
• Chris Masters, looks like he took the Charles Atlas challenge and drank more roiderade than anyone else. Even his eyelids have muscles on them. As a result of roid abuse his penis shrunk to microscopic size and he takes it out on other wrestlers with his "Master Lock" hold which is a modified full nelson. His brain shrunk as well, so he isn't the brightest bulb in the pack.
• Eugene, retarded nephew of Eric Bishoff, he is a wrestling savant and knows all of the wrestling holds. He is easily distracted, by usually taking his teddy bear away from him and threatening to rip it apart. Very easy to trick and fake out. The McMahons once played a joke on him and poured green paint all over him, and you can still see green paint on his jacket.
• Shannon Moore-17 time World Champion and fan favorite. A real punk, as opposed to say...A CM Punk, which just plain doesn't make sense. He is a reject so they partnered him up with Jimmy Wang Yang a Japanese Cowboy from Texas.

King Booker aka Black Jesus before he wore a crown and robe.

• King Booker pronounced as King Bookahr, he is actually Booker T after getting one too many steel chair-shots to the head, and developed schizophrenia and seems to think that because he won King of the Ring 2006, that makes him King of the World. But wait, it gets better, next year he will claim to be Black Jesus after The Undertaker buries him alive in a Buried Alive match, and Booker thinks he rose from the dead or something.
• The Sandman, ex-construction worker who thinks he is the god of dreams or something. Carries around a big Singapore Cane to hit people with it and he drinks too much beer and then smashes the beer can into his forehead until he bleeds.
• Chris Jericho - The only character who is able to point out Randy Orton's gayness and be heard at the same time.
• Bradley Bradshaw Blayfield - BBB is the brawler, turned good wrestler, turned commentator, turned shitty wrestler who held some title for a long time or something on the B-Show before being outsourced for a younger rapper. John Cena forced him to retire for two years, and he made his comeback beating the shit out of Hornswoggle, and it got him a championship match at Backlash.
• Rider and Hawkins, the Edge Heads. Vince cloned Edge and came up with these two guys. Nobody can tell them apart from the original Edge, they are all egotistical, narcissistic, ruthless, backstabbing weasels who cheat at any chance they can get.
• Eddie Guerrero - After realizing that nobody cares about the WWE anymore, Vince McMahon decided to bring back the last wrestler that actually had any talent. So Vince and Triple H decided to sneak into the Celebrity Deathmatch arena and steal the time machine. After a long night of hot, wild, gay sex they decided to bring Eddie Guerrero. There is also a special "Roid Rage" match that can only be fought between Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero. The match is decided by who can murder the most people in the audience in a two-minute time limit.
• Triple K Kunter Kerst Kelmsly, famous cousin of Triple H, very well loved in the South. Wears a white sheet and hood, burns crosses, was responsible for getting King Booker fired by planting drugs in his water bottle during drug test day. Claims he isn't racist, he just doesn't seem to like Black People, other than that he is exactly like his cousin. He is the identical twin of Triple H and often gets confused for him.
• Oscar Wilde thanks to an agreement with Uncyclopedia and WWE, Oscar became a wrestler on Smack Up to promote Uncyclopedia to Wrestling fans. Oscar uses his wits to outwit other wrestlers, which ironically isn't that hard to do. Most of them have taken so many steroids and drugs that it has fried their brains and they have little brain cells left.
• Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama recently wrestled on a WWE show and are now playable in this version of the game.
• Kevin Federline even though he had a short career and defeated John Cena with the help of Hulk Hogan, he was caught raping Stephanie McMahon and was soon fired, but playable in this game. Catch phrase is "Do you want fries with that?" * Jeff Hardy after a big fight with his brother Matt, he paints his face with makeup to look like a lizard.
• Edge who married Vickie Guerrero and got several title shots out of it before Vickie was moved to Raw and Teddy Long took over as General Manager of Smackup. Unlockable after you play as any character and defeat a laptop in a chairs match.
• Christian, known as Christian Cage on TNA after defecting to TNA from WWE, but got beaten up by the Main Event Mafia and returned to the WWE at half his salary and dropped the "Cage" in his name after being sued by Nicolas Cage.
• John Cena, was drafted to Raw but likes to show up to Smackup events anyway. Shows up on Smackup after ratings are down in order to try and boost them back up. Has grudge matches with Edge. His special move is to wave his hand in front of his face after taking a magic potion made by Hulk Hogan that makes him invisible. He waves his hand in front of his face to get rid of a vapors and says "You can't see me!" and then he does a five knuckle shuffler, then after that he automatically wins the match within five moves or less because he is Goldberg's younger brother.
• Gillberg Goldberg's other brother who was too scrawny to wrestle on WCW but got a job at the WWE. Unlike John Cena he loses most of his matches because he is not a real Goldberg and his mother screwed the milkman instead of Goldberg's father making him a Gilberg instead of a Goldberg.
• YingYang Mitsubishi is an Asian pornstar, also known as the 'backstage promo guy'. He's not exactly playable, but if you mash the right buttons while having Triple H sit on Edge, YingYang will come out onto the stage and moon you.
• David Arquette Bonus chaaracter in the legends section

Match Types

The game features various different match types that differ from the standard 60 minute first blood match.These include:

• TLC Match: This match was introduced to the game as a tribute to Lisa Lefteye Lopez of the Industrial Rock Girl Group TLC.The only way to win was to remove the opponent's left eye and replace it with a condom.
• Ironman match:This match is contested under basic wrestling rules,but one of the competitors is Robert Downey Jr.
• Singles match: A bizarre concept,the winner of this match is the one who pins his opponent's shoulders to the mat (using drawing pins).You can also cheat by using glue.
• Roid Rumble:A match featuring all wrestlers in the game (a total of 29).The winner is the one who can shoot the most needles of steroids into their arm the fastest.This is done by repeatedly mashing the X button.

Trailer

File:The Angriest Promo Ever!

Rated 10.0 by IGN viewers

References

Truthful facts from Wrestling news web sites used in this article:

See also

• Vince McMahon
• WWE
• SmackDown!
• Steroids
• Redneck
• Christianity
• Islam
• The Official List of the Best Things in Existence
• List of weapons that don't exist, but should
• Fake
• Random humor