Rivers Cuomo kidnapped a girl in 1994 and I have the proof

“Bang bang, a knock on the door, I kidnapped a girl in 1994.”

~ Rivers Cuomo, soon to be convicted kidnapper

By now we should all be familiar with the pop-rock band Weezer. They have regularly sold millions of copies of every album, and while some of their albums are polarizing among fans, they still remain beloved today. However, the lead vocalist for the pop-rock band Weezer has a sinister side; Rivers Cuomo kidnapped a girl in 1994 and locked her in his garage, and I have the proof.

The Proof

It's no secret that the majority of the pop-rock band Weezer's songs center around heartbreak, relationships and unrequited love. It's those very lyrics and Cuomo's masterful ability to deceive and misdirect that have allowed him to conceal his confession of kidnapping a girl and locking her in his garage. For instance, fan favorite "No One Else" from the pop-rock band Weezer's first album, known as The Blue Album, contains numerous references to Cuomo's desire to remove a human girl from her home and hold her captive in his garage. Let's take a look:

“ I want a girl who will laugh for no one else

When I'm away she puts her makeup on the shelf

When I'm away she never leaves the house

I want a girl who laughs for no one else

”

More Proof

As damning as the controlling nature of lines one, two and four of the chorus are, he says right in the third line of the chorus that he wants her to never leave the house! Am I the only one seeing this? Open your eyes!

Then, on the the same album, the song "In The Garage" clearly discusses how he feels safe in his garage — which is where he keeps the human girl he stole! Of course he feels safe in there. He knows she hasn't escaped!

Perhaps the most critical piece of evidence I discovered is in the third verse of "I Don't Want to Let You Go" on 2009's Ratitutde. Let's take a look at the lyrics:

“ When I was just a boy at 24

I forced my way through your frontdoor

I stole you from your entourage

And locked you up in my garage

”

Yet Even More Proof

Less astute fans were blinded by the final line that references "In The Garage" from The Blue Album, but they are wrong! It is a confession from the singer Rivers Cuomo, from the pop-rock band Weezer, confessing to a crime of kidnapping a girl and locking her in his garage!

I've been researching and investigating this for over a decade, and I got my biggest break once the pop-rock band Weezer released their 2014 album Everything Will Be Alright in the End. The ninth track on the album, "Cleopatra", contains these eyebrow-raising lyrics:

“ Please I beg of you fellow humans

I can no longer maintain this lie

I kidnapped a girl in 1994

And I locked her in my garage

That last bit isn't a reference to our song on the Blue Album

I am being honest. I stole a human girl from her home in 1994

I am ashamed of this

I've left the door unlocked for the last week in hopes she'd run away

But I think she's been there so long she's afraid to try leaving

Please do your worst to me. Remember I did that video at the Playboy Mansion

You were all pretty upset about that

Please be more upset about me removing a human from her home and locking her in my garage in 1994

”

Conclusion

Wow! He mentions 1994 a few times there, which I've already pinpointed as the year that the singer of the pop-rock band Weezer, Rivers Cuomo, illegally procured a human girl from her home against her will. However, I still need more evidence, so I'm anxiously awaiting the release of the pop-rock band Weezer's next studio album; I Kidnapped a Girl in 1994. I'm Very Serious. This is Real. Help Me Save Her later.