UnNews:Fall Out Boy kidnaps Weezer's Rivers Cuomo

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26 January 2023

Cuomo seemed unbothered by the incident.

LOS ANGELES, California -- Rivers Cuomo, who wrote the hit 2019 song "Africa" and is the frontman of the rock band Weezer, was kidnapped yesterday by members of rival band Fall Out Boy.

"I was taking a selfie with the Buddy Holly guy," Beth, a teenage Weezer fan who spotted Rivers all alone near a burger joint, recalled. "Then these three guys in masks jump out of this ugly brown van and drag Rivers into it — cup of water and all."

In the liner notes for Fall Out Boy's new album, So Much (for) Stardust, eagle-eyed listeners found a thirty-two page manifesto in which Pete Wentz claims Weezer is "too good for their own good" and that Rivers Cuomo needs to be stopped. After Cuomo was kidnapped, Patrick Stump tweeted his demands for Cuomo's release to Brian Bell, Scott Shriner, and Pat Wilson.

The remaining three Weezer members ignored the demands entirely. Wilson retorted, "Keep him" and Bell started to write songs for their new album, Weezer With No Rivers (The Yellow Album).

Hours later, when it seemed that Rivers might actually not come back to the music scene, and with the new three-man Weezer lineup destined to make good music for once, #WeezerIsGoodNow and #NoMoreCuomo went viral on Twitter along with tweets congratulating Fall Out Boy for essentially saving the world. The second hashtag being repurposed from 2021 after Andrew Cuomo resigned after allegations of sexual misconduct — which Rivers has not been accused of.

However, it was also around then that Rivers Cuomo reappeared, free and unscathed, still sipping on his cup of water.

"Yeah, it was all just a prank," Rivers stated. "We thought it would be funny if they kidnapped me for their new video. Those demands weren't even a part of the script. It was all improvised."

Since the prank, Rivers Cuomo has returned to Weezer, and has retaliated by not letting the others play any instruments or even sing on their Rivers' now-resumed 2023 album, Weezer But Rivers Doing All The Work (The Yellow Album).