Unquotable:Christopher Walken

"I really don't see any problems here, as long as I don't have to look at you, talk to you, or smell you."

“And why would you quote this punk when you can cite the Wilde wisdom of Oscar? Although I do dig those lips...”

~ Oscar Wilde on you mistakenly quoting Christopher Walken instead of His Majesty of Rhetoric, Oscar Wilde

“Listen to me... If I hear you quoting Christopher Walken again, I will cut your head off.”

~ Christopher Walken on people who falsely attribute quotes to Christopher Walken

“In Soviet Russia, Cow Bell cures YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Christopher Walken

Quoting Christopher Walken is a required course at the Manhattan Institute of Walkentology, where students are trained to think, indeed, to inhabit, the personality of the great actor and wise-person.

As the founder of all three monotheistic religions, Christopher Walken has become a figure of considerable reverence throughout the Western World. Just as Confucianism, Zen Buddhism, and the philosophy of the Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God have influenced their respective cultures, Walkentology has spread its teachings of love, spiritual reflection, and getting the fuck out of my face to millions of adherents, whose numbers are growing by the day.

It is estimated that by the year 2020, virtually half the world's population will be Walkentologists, with the other half simply cowering in fear.

Some Famous Quotes By Christopher Walken

Walken on You

• "I knew a guy once who looked like you. One day... bam!"
• "I believe that deep down inside you, there is a thinking, feeling human being who desires very badly to express himself. And I'm just saying, it might be in your best interests if that human being didn't act on those desires just now."
• "You disappointed me, and I hate being disappointed. So there it is."
• "What were you thinking just now? Not before, but just before now? Not counting what I'm saying to you right now? Because, it was wrong"
• "Nobody puts Baby in a corner!"
• "Hello little man, boy, I heard a lot about you"
• "He'd be damned if any greasy yellow slope get his hands on it, so he hid it in the only place in one place he knew he could hide somethin, up his ass."
• "Tell me, does your mother sew? BOOM! Get 'er to sew that!"

Walken on What You Just Said

• "Who asked you? Did you hear me solicit your opinion? I didn't think so."
• "Now, we can discuss this in a calm, cool, rational manner, like two mature adults, or I can blow your head off."
• "You have to understand something. Your job is not to question what it is I should or should not do in any given situation. Your job, as I see it, is to keep handing me more clips. Don't you like your job? You can be honest with me."
• "You're talkin' to me all wrong, thats the wrong tone. do it again, and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron."

Walken on What You're Looking At

• "They're shoes, asshole. What the fuck do they look like?"
• "I understand that you have a basic need to stare at things you find, shall we say, interesting. And really, I'm very gratified that you would find me interesting - however, your staring makes me, well, somewhat... uncomfortable. I just thought you'd like to know that."
• "I am happy. Seriously, this is my happy face. Satisfied?"
• "I'm glad you like it but my face is up here!"

Walken on What You Did Just Now

• "Listen. From my own personal perspective, there are two ways we can handle this. But I'm not going to tell you what those two ways are, because that might give you the idea that you have some sort of 'choice' here."
• "Now, I thought we'd resolved this. Didn't we resolve this, just a minute ago? So just now, when I needed a new clip, where were you? You weren't here, where I needed you, were you?"
• "If you could hear me correctly, I wouldn't need to kick your ass. But guess what? You can't hear me correctly, you dumb bastard. Go lick a homo."
• "Who farted?"
• "You married her, I didn't deal with it."
• "You do it again, and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron."

Walken on What He Did Just Now

• "What do you want me to say, that I'm sorry? That I apologize? Well, people in Hell want ice water, pal."
• "So, why do you think I did that? Just to amuse myself? Or do you think maybe, just maybe, there was a deep, underlying reason that you're not fully comprehending?"
• "I'm Christopher Walken. Do you know what that means? It means I don't have to explain myself to some dumb bimbo, I don't have to explain myself to the mob, I don't have to explain myself to the cops, I don't have to explain myself to God, and I especially don't have to explain myself to some dead guy."
• "What did I just do?"
• "I just stabbed you in the face with a soldering iron. That's what I just did."

"Guy a protester insulted me once so I had to beat him with his stop the violence sign."

Walken on What You Have When You Do Certain Things

• "Breed crows, and you have lots of crows."
• "You see, violence merely creates more violence. It's a cycle that never ends... You insult me, I shoot you, you drop dead, someone else insults me... And it just keeps repeating over and over again. And for what?"
• "When you treat someone poorly, you know, disrespectfully, you're going to have a certain amount of resentment and anger because of that. You treated me poorly just now, didn't you? So, maybe you can explain to me why I shouldn't just kill you."

Walken on Love

• "Love is what you have when you stop hating. Sure, there are other things you want to have, too, like me releasing you from this wooden crate full of fire ants. But the important thing is that you will have love."
• "Love is like a wreath of pretty flowers which smells bad. Hate is when pointy-eared freaks quote me and don't tell me. Love and Hate is when I let you live. Is today Friday?"
• "The problems of the world won't be solved by love alone. You need the opposite of love too... and by 'opposite' I mean Scientology."
• "There is no greater love than the racism a dog has for cats!"

Walken on Walken

• "I really don't know who that is! Every time I call my line is busy."
• "If I could compose my own epitaph, I wouldn't need the headstone. So this discussion is pointless."
• "If I was able to write a quote about me now, I wouldn't write it right here, or you would still be reading it now, wouldn't you?"
• "I could kill you where you stand. So, stand up."
• "I'm really a very nice guy. No, really, I am! Why are you laughing? Did I say you could laugh at that? I didn't, did I?"
• "It's the little surprises that make life worth living. Like eating a bowl of soup. Am I not the best waiter you've ever had in your entire life? Even though I worked at the post office?"
• "I'm serious. I do not like the unknown or the unexpected. I cannot stand being surprised, yet as an actor I like surprise. I get very upset if my bills are paid immediately."
• " For Lunch, I was an alligator."
• "New York, born and raised. No not, New York, here. No, not here. Kansas."
• "This guy is un-fucking-believable!"

Walken on... Whatever

• "He who needs light blue, should mix blue and white... Oh man, I love Spanish!" (Walken on Colours, Spanish, and Penelope Cruz)
• "For some reason I don't feel like singing today."
• "You stole my shoes, Kip... You took them in broad daylight, you remorseless dolt, and if I had my way I'd cover you in sour milk and filthy scabs and let the Mexicans have their way with you." (Walken on the failing U.S. Social Security system)
• "I find that deep contemplation is best articulated in the nude. Does anyone disagree? No. So shut up." (Walken on Gymnosophy)
• "To give birth, to bring a new human life into the world, is truly a wonderful, magical thing. I'd tell you how it feels, but then I'd have to kill you." (Walken on Childbirth)

Walken on Sunshine

• "Now, I don't want you back for the weekend, not back for a day... I said, baby, I just want you back and I want you to stay. Now, don't it feel good? Don't it?"

Walken on Lions

• "Every once and a while the lion, has to show the jackals who he really is. I’m going out into the other room…it’s too late to be scared, it’s time to kill! Don’t beat him…kick his ass!"

Walken on Water

• "Jesus, that's wet."

Walken on Walkin'

• "I fly."
• "When in doubt, Tap Dance. I said, dance like an old vaudvillian, Motherufcker."

Walken on Little Bunny Foo Foo

• "I could take him"

Walken on Cowbell

• "It needs more!"
• "I gotta have more!"
• "Guess what?! I've got a fever, and the only prescription... is more cowbell"
• "By the time we're done here, you'll be wearing gold plated diapers"
• "Never question Bruce Dickenson"

See also

• Steve Martin, the Anti-Christopher Walken
• Christopher Reeve, the opposite of Christopher Walken
• Dude, Where's My Albatross?
• The Sons of Jesus
• Count Chocula
• Giraffes
• Weapon of Choice