Ferrero Rocher
Ferrero Rocher is a the chocolate of choice for the middle classes. The golf-ball-sized sweet consists of an individual gold-wrapped mix of Nutella and Kit Kat. Affluent gated communities consider it de rigueur for VIP events, such as a wedding, 40th birthday or "social visit" by the local bank manager, magistrate, vicar or coroner.
Ferrero Rocher as a classy aperitif owes its success to an unsubtle but brilliant advertising campaign showing an "Ambassador" offering Ferrero Rochet as an accompaniment to champagne during the "meet-and-greet phase" of a tony cocktail party, set within the splendour of a stately home ballroom.
Even though everybody knows the most appropriate canapés to enhance champagne — especially if entertaining a Governor or Royal — is Jamie Oliver's prawn vol au vents and/or Stilton and grape bites, Ferrero Rocher has become so popular among social-climbing wife-swappers and town committee members that they are now available at the local 24-hour BP petrol station, alongside the cheap Prosecco and bouquets of daffodils.
History[edit]
In the 1980s Walls Vienetta was the pioneer sweet that considered the needs of those who liked to keep up appearances, but failed to pick up the free Gordon Ramsay recipe supplement from Waitrose. Walls saw a gap in the market for those who wanted posh-nosh at short notice, but did not quite understand what posh-nosh actually was, but did grasp that ice cream decorated with a pipe in wavy lines, supplemented with chocolate chips, was classier than spotted dick and custard.
Other typical worldly international foods that hit the local corner shop includes: Terry's Chocolate Orange, Mexican Fajita kits and Doritoes with a salsa dip. Such international jet-setter ensembles were rounded off with no expense spared paper doilies and use of the family silver, to equal the pomp and ceremony of a party hosted by say, the Foreign Secretary or Governor of Bermuda. Formal entry into the movers and shakers, manifests itself by adding ice and a slice of lemon to vodka and coke or a ginger biscuit to a cup of coffee.
At around the same time as the Cold War, Cadburies jumped on the middle-class bandwagon with their Milk Tray advert. A Bear Grylls character sporting a ninja outfit would leopard crawl from under the hawthorn in the servant's quarters at night, negotiate the lion statues and rappel up the wall of the manor house with a grappling hook, to deposit a box of Milk Tray (£2.50 in Tesco) on the lady of the house's dressing table, before removing his balaclava to reveal his handsome, chiselled looks.
Single maternity nurses and secretaries at the local stationary shop, who weren't shy when it came to scuppering a box of chocs on an evening, would lay in bed adorned in pink satin, sporting the full "Swansea Bay perm" and plastered in Jovan Musk to hide the smell of burned hair, waited for their hero to arrive at the window... up until the point that their he turned out the be the local Dungeons and Dragons obsessive sporting a manic gaze, and an axe.
Noting the effectiveness of placing an advertising campaign for a mass produced product within the realms of the upper classes, while being as cheap and viable as a Mars Bar, Italian, Michele Ferrero chose Ferrero Rocher because his name sounds a bit like Ferrari and Rocher (the French for a rock in Lourdes), created an aura of foreign nuns, healing and speeding tickets. This made Ferrero Rocher an absolute must for your local double glazing salesmen's dinner parties.
Case Studies[edit]
During the summer of 1982 Walls Ice Cream Limited launched the 'Vienetta' range of ice cream desserts. Aimed squarely as a low cost dessert solution for working mothers of low income families, it's low price was masked but an ironic juxtaposition of high quality packaging and high perceived value amongst consumers. This ratio of low price, fancy packaging and high perceived value is enough to trigger FRS amongst many suffers. (Formulae If LP+FP+HPV >frsT) where frsT is a patients threshold to FRS measured of the Rocher Scale
Study One:
Mrs X from Basingstoke, Hampshire, UK was the first recorded victim of FRS to be committed to supervision under the Mental Health Act of 1983. During the summer of 1984 Mrs X was working as a cleaner of Ffyfes Banana ripening factory in Basingstoke. A mixture of long working hours, extreme heat and an unfortunately timed price promotion as well as other extenuating personal circumstances are said to have triggered her episode, though exact causes of FRS are unknown. During the aforementioned summer Mrs X hosted regular tea parties for the local Women's Institute. Her illness manifested itself in a compulsion to serve Wall's Vienetta in a bid to impress her peers. Despite the now famous '2 for 1' offer on Vienetta which lead to a sharp increase in FRS in April of 1984 Mrs X found supplying the ice cream dessert financially straining. She was taken into protective care after being admitted to hospital with 3rd Degree freezer burns to her legs from trying to shop lift 7 Blackforest Gateaux limited editions from a branch of Kwik Save in near by Farnham.
Study Two:
Here a video can be seen of a middle aged women forcing her children to eat a whole Vienetta each. This footage is anonymous, found on YouTube, and this investigation ongoing. If you know any of these people, please call the NSPCC or Childline. Forensic experts have studied the video and determined that is was filmed sometime in December, though which December is unknown.
UPDATE: Tesco is not friends with anyone, even less towards Unilever. A fortunate result is a possible end to sales of Vienetta, Helmands, CBINB, and Cornetto among other things. It is also a possibility that Unilever will manage to bitch a different shoppingchain i Britain. They used to dominate Tesco, even if such be a different past. That is expected to spike the number of FR Syndroms. It concerns the NHS in the following manner: ALL HANDS ON DECK
Who is at risk?[edit]
FRS is indiscriminate in who it affects. There are only superficial visible trends. It tends to affect middle aged women predominately, however, numbers of suffers are almost equal from the different major socio-economic groups. The need to impress though purchasing FRS products (LP+FP+HPV >frsT) cannot be associated with any one rate of income or walk of life, though rates of detection are lowest among Mormon populations. The disorder is often wrongly assocaited with low income families and the purchase of expensive tracksuits by brand names such as Prada and Burberry. This is a different disorder know as Chavesse Syndrome. Though there are similarities between CS and FRS, CS is typified by the suffers compulsion to buy not cheap products, under the delusion that they will impress but to spend a disproportionately large proportion of their income on such products, to the detriment of the standard of living of other family members.
Other Ferrero Rochers[edit]
Geraldine Ferrero-Rocher (August 26, 1935 – March 26, 2011) served in the U.S. House of Representatives under her first surname. In 1984, she was the first female candidate for Vice President representing a major political party, not counting buck-toothed black women. That made 1984 another tedious Year of the Woman, as Ferrero-Rocher's candidacy promised great things for people who look like her, at least when their panties are pulled down.
Rep. Ferrero-Rocher's nomination promised a great new era where government would help people who look like her, at least after pulling their panties down, without hurting anyone who looks different, after doing them too. (Men did not used to wear panties back then, but are acquiring new federal rights every year.) Unfortunately, this inspiring platform was insufficient to elect her, as she was backed with Walter Mondale, the Presidential candidate who touted that he alone had the courage to state that he was going to raise everyone's taxes, whereas his opponent Ronald Reagan was plotting to raise them by stealth, because no way he wanted to lower them; not again, not until 1986. That is all that anyone remembers about Mondale, and they remember nothing about Ferrero-Rocher at all. Thank goodness for the encyclopedia.
In 2016, Hillary Rodham-Clinton arranged with then-Democratic Party chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz to have all records of Ferrero-Rocher's candidacy placed on a private server above the bidet in the master bathroom of Rodham-Clinton's private home in Chappaqua, New York. Wasserman-Schultz and Rodham-Clinton then bleached all the bits on Ferrero-Rocher, using Pepto-Bismol. As a result, Rodham-Clinton's candidacy was unprecedented, and America got its first Year of the Woman, which lasted about two months.
