Scabies

The 3 phases of scabies. (Left) The early stage is characterized by bulging eyes, heavy hair growth, and lowbrow humor akin to Uncyclopedia. (Center) The rat infection period, characterized by an attraction to loud music; note the pale gray skin color. (Right) Terminal stage, characterized by slowed speech and the need to be always explaining things.

Scabies is a transmissible ectoparasite skin infection characterized by superficial burrows, intense itching and secondary infection. It is caused by microscopic rats Rattus minimus that burrow under the skin looking for microscopic garbage to eat.

An infected doctor shows raised red lines on the skin, large areas of intense skin irritation and bleeding nipples.

Etiology

Scabies is nearly always passed person to person via skin contact, though in rare cases scabies can be transferred from skin to cheese and cheese to skin. Needless to say, this mechanism can result in a much faster form of the infection due to the fat, fit state of the nano-rodents after a cheesefest.

Once on the skin the nano-rodents immediately bore into the skin tissue by means of a hair follicle or sweat gland and set to building an elaborate system of subcutaneous burrows. Some of these burrows will end in large (0.1 mm) chambers in which baby nano-rodents are raised. Since mammalian nipples are actually large, modified sweat glands many rats will congregate in the aureolar area in the evenings, starting fights among themselves and mating; like English people in a bar.

Symptoms only begin to show 4 to 6 years after initial infection, by which time the infected person will have passed on the infection to everyone he or she has even shaken hands with. Apart from zombism, scabies is the most infectious disease in the world and it is estimated by the Luxembourg Bureau of Stuff that by the end of October 2008 every person in the world except HM Elizabeth II Queen of England will be infected. The Queen will not be affected because of her royal training which allows her to indefinitely contain her farts in order to avoid an international incident. King Charles III can absorb fart gas into the bloodstream and release it gradually through the skin. This would kill any scabies infection before it had a chance to take hold. Prince Phillip, having never given a damn who he offends, farts like a trombone and will not benefit from royal immunity.

All Gingers are inherently carriers of scabies. Though they seem to prevail none of the symptoms, great care must be taken when in contact. Never let your skin touch a ginger.

Medication

Killing subcutaneous nano-rodents is pretty easy. It can be done with intense heat, toxic gas (See Queen Elizabeth), poisons or drowning. Unfortunately all of these will kill the patient. Any drugs affect the nano-rodents less than the patient, since rats have always been used for lab testing and have acquired immunity.

Research is currently entering final trials in Brighton, UK, on the possibility of using specially bred nano-weasels to hunt down and kill the nano-rodents. So far weasels as small as 1cm have been bred, but they are extremely vicious and the only patient to have had one inserted under his skin screamed like a little girl until it was taken out.

A promising avenue was opened up with the alcohol bath, a bath of neat vodka in which the patient can float until the nano-rodents have died of alcohol poisoning. Unfortunately the nano-rodents have already learned to just hide in the skin of the nose until the patient gets out of the bath, but a nosectomy at the right moment may well yield positive results.