Imaginary diseases

An imaginary disease is a condition which Psychologists fabricate in order to make more money. Often they are named after celebrities or characters who were the first reported to show these imaginary symptoms. What is certain is that an imaginary disease affects less than 100 people over the course of a psychiatrist's career, and that they are carried by psychoviruses. Now I am not going to talk about psychoviruses because they don't exist, peon, and if you demand to know, I hereby diagnose you with Fact Coveting Syndrome (FCS).

Fuge Attention Whore (FAW)

Manifests itself in a variety of forms and has been linked to FAH. Sufferers often make outlandish claims or assertions in order to induce an internet dogpile for personal gratification. Studies show that symptoms can sometimes be temporarily relieved by referring to an FAW sufferer as a douche.

Fat Ass Hormoneitis (FAH)

A made up hormone imbalance to give fat asses an excuse to be fat, lazy, and interested in homeschooling. Sufferers may also be prone to subject themselves to public ridicule on internet message boards, often bringing up a self-deprecating topic repeatedly.

Chuck Cunningham syndrome (CCS)

Unpopular characters vanish of the run of an otherwise successful series. Discovered by Arthur Fonzarelli in 1974 and named after a rival who was affected by it, it has successfully explained the 1970 disappearance of Bobby Martin from All My Children.

Jumping the Shark (JTS)

When a TV show begins a sudden decline in health, also discovered by Fonzarelli in 1977. Nobody knows at what stage JTS is at it's worst, but the medical database jumptheshark.com can often speculate when the psychovirus infected the host.

Cousin Oliver Syndrome (COS)

Where a parasitic host attaches itself to an aging television series, killing the series as fast as six weeks. Discovered and named after Michael "Cousin" Oliver in 1974, a colleague of Fonzarelli.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS)

Sometimes called ME (says it all). A made up affliction characteristic by someone who is perfectly fit and well pretending to be seriously ill because they either want to be the center of attention or due to plain lazy. There are no consistent symptoms, diagnostic tests or treatment.

Jonas Quinn Syndrome (JQS)/Quinn Mallory's Disease (QMD)

Where one character in a series undergoes a physical and mental transformation, as if he/she were a new person. Named after Jonas Quinn, who in 1995 discovered the disease during a routine autopsy in Stargate, Michigan. Also known as Quinn Mallory's Disease in a parallel 1995.

Fonzie-Urkel Syndrome (FUS)

Where the focus of a television show redshifts from its original focus, often causing deviations in continuity, such as science-fiction plots in a sitcom. Was a Joint discovery by Fonzarelli and Steve Urkel in 1990, which is also named after the two respective men.

Madonna's disease

Affecting only Americans, this disease causes people to speak in a British accent. May also form obsession with Kabbalah and/or damaged eyesight. Named after its first victim, Madonna.

George Lucas Syndrome

Mental illness where one person obsesses over one part of his/her work in a career, analogous to cancer. The person may rework the same movies on an annual basis, and/or make future work that is of inferior quality but is perceived as superior and not derivative. Named after Gene Roddenberry.

Robot depression

Delusional mental illness where robots feel sorry for themselves or the fields of human flesh they mow.

What can only be called 2+2=5 disorder (WCOBCTPTEFD)

Person believes that 2+2=5, and spends years in vain trying to prove this. Other strains include finding the last digit of pi, or dividing by zero.

Wikitis

Addiction to Wikipedia and similar formats; may be compelled to write horrible articles that people have to delete or expand. Usually a byproduct of injecting too many textbooks or just procrastination.

Cancer

Cancer allegedly makes you lose your testicles, but is a crab a disease? No, of course not.

Retro Syndrome

This particular disease is currently epidemic, although there are signs of stabilization. Mainly based from the VH1 virus, it causes a person or even a network to focus entirely inward on the past, even going to the point of redefining what is retro to something 1 microsecond ago. So I am going to stop writing this article, because it is not cool anymore. For more information go to Vh1.com.

Tetris syndrome

A quite funny disease where some one believes that the world around them operates under the influence of the game Tetris. Symptoms include grabbing objects and people, trying to put them into the right shape to fit a small space. This disease is contracted from rusty Gameboys and requires a Tetris vaccination shot.

You can't stop at One Syndrome (YCSAOS)

This is a new found disease where once you start with one thing you cannot stop with just that. For example, if you ate one timtam, you couldn't help yourself but have another one and another one, etc. This can be in a wide variety of areas including work, food, and "fun."

Unmanlyitis

This is a disease only contracted by dwarfs and other people of short physical stature. Symptoms include believing you are stronger than you actually are and bragging about your physical strengths and ability to lift heavy objects. When it comes to actually trying to achieve these feats, the sufferer usually picks it up and drops it on their own feet. Treatment options include slaying a dragon or buying an expensive sports car.

Dragon Ball Z-itis

A very serious disease contracted by talking to people who draw terrible Anime. Symptoms include: believing you can fly or shoot laser beams from your hands, screaming loudly while clenching your fists, talking in extremely campy dialogue, and taking over 9000 hours to do anything. Other symptoms include sensing people's "chi", and an addiction to hair styling products.

SG-1

This isn't really a disease; all that happens is your eyes start flashing yellow, you have a scar on your back or neck, your tone of voice changes and you obtain a glove on your hand which performs miracles for you. Also, within 5 minutes of contracting this "disease," a swat team and/or SG teams will break down your door and start firing a hell of a lot of bullets at you.

Stevenson-Long-Caruso Syndrome

A typically career ending disease contracted by a previously unknown person who rises to fame as part of an ensemble cast but then becomes unable to share the spotlight despite having secured a role any sane actor would die for.

Tetris Finger Syndrome (TFS)

A condition where you are unable to play a game that uses the arrow or wasd keys and the mouse at the same time because the person has played to much tetris as a child with two hands on the arrows. This is then a bad habit that is almost impossible to break and will often cause extreme frustration to anyone else who is watching this.

Filler disease

Endemic in Japan. Many symptoms include: life with no plot, endless rambling, flashbacks to your childhood in the midst of epic battles, and dry itchy eyes from increasingly long dramatic stare downs. In severe cases that last the whole season, new villains no one cares about may appear; luckily they disappear just as quickly and are never mentioned again.

Mime disease

Symptoms include loss of color vision, sudden paleness, difficulty speaking, and impaired mobility from invisible walls.

See Also

• Hypochondria