The name Dwarf, used mainly in regions surrounding large deposits of gold or huge fire-pulsating dragons, is street-slang for a Gynaecologist. A Dwarf at the height of their career can earn anything up to 1 million gold pieces per expedition. The process of studying the vagina, long thought to be a sure way to make yourself go blind, often involves deep undercover work in hard to reach and extremely inhospitable regions. Dwarfs excel at their work.
The Vagina itself has long been known to be the most dangerous area of the female anatomy. During the Tertiary Cretaceous period thousands of enormous Reptilian creatures known as Dinosaurs became extinct due to the propensity of their species to invest in over-sized vaginal tissue. It was only through the introduction of Dwarf Sub-Terrestrial mining techniques that the vagina survived extinction and is still with us today.
During the Industrial Revolution Dwarfing became a popular pastime among young, upper-class men with nothing better to do. Indeed it was at one such Dwarf gathering that Queen Victoria met her future husband Albert, and the vaginal fluid of a whole nation was expelled. (Photos of the meeting are rumoured to exist, do a Google search and hold your breath).
The main conditions dealt with by a Dwarf are:
- sex: The Dwarf's trusty axe is the best means of detecting this, by obtaining a sample of cervical epithelial cells and examining them with a pointy stick for CrAZeeEY colours. All women are encouraged to have sex at regular intervals just so long as it is with another Dwarf and his axe.
- fun: through sex.
- Gold: (absent in all but the deepest cavities)
Obviously there is some crossover in these areas. Dragons in a young girl may be referred to a Dragon Slayer or Hero, extinction to a film director (one great example of Vagina ecology is catalogued in Steven Spielberg's movie "Fallopian-Tube Park") blaaaarrrr
Dwarfs can often be found stuffing vaginas full of Haggis in an attempt to lure the Legendary Loch Ness Monster said to be able to cure all Gynaecological ills. The therapeutic abilities of the reptilian creature might be due to its close relation to the Dinosaurs themselves and it's incredible propensity to absorb Moisture.
The Dwarf lives in a cycle of no less than 82 revolutions of the Planet Earth. This period can be separated into 6 distinct phases:
- The drinking Phase: Here Dwarfs will consume anywhere upwards of seven litres of fine ale in an attempt to appease The Spirit of Ladies' Naughty Bits.
- The Insufferable Eating of Things Phase: Dwarfs are known to indulge in many bad habits, no more so than the purging of the liver caused by the consumption of anything remotely vagina shaped (i.e. sugar puffs, pies).
- The Mining Phase: Dwarfs will then hunt down the vagina and insert themselves, using the force of gravity, into the said crack from whence all evil came. Terror is likely to follow.
- The Minging Phase: Like The Mining Phase but more Minging.
- The Redemption Phase: Based around the lyrics of Bob Marley and The Whalers song "No Plankton no Cry" Dwarfs are encouraged in this phase to moan constantly until either the vagina is purged, the universe ends or Wales is ruled over by Whales, which ever comes first.
- The Ascension Phase: Where upon the Dwarf will rise to Consultant Gynaecologist of Middle Earth and the vagina will be saved.
Most Dwarfs don't survive more than 3 vaginal purgings and in recent years this number has begun to dwindle. With the introduction of vibro-vaginas and The Lord of the Rings merchandise, the Dwarf's future is looking mighty uncertain. Watch, as they do, from the clammy shadows!
Today’s sport of Dwarf tossing has ancient roots that originated in the 5th century BC by the Roman Emperor Chuckles who enjoyed a good laugh. Dwarfs were often employed as professional fighters in ancient Rome and they were known as “Dwarfiators” (The little fighters). For more than a century, Dwarfiators fought against each other, wild animals, and slaves for the entertainment of spectators.
Early combat participants competed for one or more of the following reasons: (1) as recreation, (2) as serious sport fanatics, (3) for monetary gain, and or (4) social status (the ladies were totally enamored with these little sports heroes of there times. As a direct result of the 59 AD Pompeian riots following the of the tragic death of “Pipion the Small” who was killed with an illegal low blow, the sport of Dwarfiatoral combat was banned in all the Roman provinces. After a ten years moratorium, Dwarf Tossing was introduced as a more gentlemanly version of the original sport while providing the Coliseum fans with all there favorite action heroes. Dwarf tossing a new weapons-free sport pitted a Dwarf against a drunken bar patron of obese stature in a contest of the feats of strength. The objective of the contest is for the bar patron to capture and toss the Dwarf as far across the room as possible and for the Dwarf to evade capture and disable his opponent. The rules of engagement allow the Dwarf to strike, beat, kick, and bite his opponent in an effort to avoid the dreaded toss. Other styles such as tag team and the free-for-all have evolved. These are the bling-bling "sport" of pubs and nightclubs.
Today, even modern Olympic competitions are including women-vs.-women matches, and cross-gender matches.
Sport Controversy Dwarf tossing is a voluntarily performance and contestants are well paid. Dwarfs can make six-figure incomes. PC groups have been successful in having Dwarf-tossing outlawed in several states (Maine, Vermont, Michigan, Ohio) and in several countries.