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Just give little the bastards what they want.

Custard usually appears as a pale yellow semiliquid, commonly eaten with a spoon, and is usually found on top of a dessert. It is thermoplastic, thixotropic and lactoid. It is said by some to be quite tasty.

Custard is made from milk, buttermilk, butter, milk and sugar. Formally only produced in large refineries, it is now possible, due to the wonders of technology, to buy custard powder at any old pharmacy and prepare it in your own kitchen. Custard is also gathered in its natural form by poor Africans from the Rift Valley, and comprised the largest share of last year's exports from Zimbabwe. It is also rumoured to be found at the bottom of Loch Ness, being the principal food source of the Loch Ness Monster.

Taking account of differences in dairy cattle used and the variations in recipe from the major brands (Bird's, Cadbury and Pfizer), the relative molecular mass (Mr) of custard varies between 82 and 83 units, making it lighter than lead but heavier than air.

A solution of custard dissolved in a minimum of water exhibits the unusual property of increasing strength according to the force exerted upon it. This property was exploited in the 1930s as a component of bullet-proof glass, but since the invention of perspex, its use in this area is now confined to the 5 poorest countries of Africa. It also allowed for custard-soaked rusks to be used instead of bananas at the 1956 Adelaide Banana Olympics.

Custard has been shown to be highly addictive, and is suspected of being a gateway drug leading inexorably to excessive consumption of eggs, milk, and the deadly white powder, sugar. Secondhand custard has been linked to global warming and cancer of the ear, but subsequent studies have been repressed by the US government. The head of the FDA, a major shareholder in Bird's, has denounced the earlier reports as inaccurate and based on bad science and faulty statistics.

Custard is usually yellow, but under certain circumstances appears fluorescent under black light. When exposed to the correct musical tones from glass harmonicas, it will explode.

Custard is also used in the manufacture of custard blankets and custard furnaces. It has also been used - with varying success - as an Office Space Wall Connection system, first invented by the infamous, yet widely respected, Dynamite George.

Custard was used by many Third World countries as a cheap power source before the discovery of the Fusion Kitten

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